I want this baby so badly. I want to be past this time frame of pure fear. I want reassurance that I'm not investing once again, whole heartedly, only to have it ripped away. I can't even handle that thought. I know my children couldn't handle it either.
A few days ago I decided that we needed to have pictures taken of my children with their cousins on my husbands side. (Since we are planning on moving out of state, opportunities for group photos won't be available for a while.) So everyone met up in coordinating outfits, they all looked so cute! I decided that I wasn't going to ask anyone, that I was just going to go with what I wanted. I brought a single yellow balloon and had 1 of my kids hold it, in every photo that was taken. This single balloon represented Harbor and that he still has a place in our family. I know some of the family members didn't look so thrilled about it. But for me, it means the world! And that is priceless! My older children love having "Harbor's balloon" in their pictures! This isn't the 1st time we have used this concept. On Easter, shortly after Harbor past, I took a photo of my children dressed up for Easter! All in matching lavender purple! So Harbor's balloon was the same lavender purple as well!
I have been struggling for the past month or so. Its crazy and unexpected, at least for me. That being pregnant again, has been so difficult. I chose to try again, so soon. I know that. I knew going into this pregnancy that I would have struggles, but never did I imagine I would be so torn. So emotional. So worried. So frightened. So confused. So perplexed. I didn't realize the impact it would have on my older living children as well.
That night we had pictures done...my dear sweet daughter, "S", came sobbing to me shortly after getting home. She told me, "I miss Harbor, so much." I held her for a while and told her I miss him too and that I don't understand either, why some babies have to die. But that I have faith, that our loving Heavenly Father has a plan for each and everyone of us. And that he has a wonderful plan for Harbor's life as well. "S" asked if we could write a message to Harbor on his balloon and send it off to him! I thought it was a wonderful idea! All 6 of us took a turn writing him a note on his balloon! We took it outside at nearly 10pm, kissed his balloon and sent it off to Harbor in Heaven!
