The Power of a Single Balloon

I am currently 14weeks pregnant with this new baby. I find as I get closer to the same gestation that Harbor passed away, my fears have over come me. 1 minute I feel pregnant. The next, I think, what if....this baby has died too. What if...I am once again carrying on to hope, but I will be crushed again my next appointment. What if...I make it past 15-16weeks, but this baby dies at 18 weeks?

I want this baby so badly. I want to be past this time frame of pure fear. I want reassurance that I'm not investing once again, whole heartedly, only to have it ripped away. I can't even handle that thought. I know my children couldn't handle it either.

A few days ago I decided that we needed to have pictures taken of my children with their cousins on my husbands side. (Since we are planning on moving out of state, opportunities for group photos won't be available for a while.) So everyone met up in coordinating outfits, they all looked so cute! I decided that I wasn't going to ask anyone, that I was just going to go with what I wanted. I brought a single yellow balloon and had 1 of my kids hold it, in every photo that was taken. This single balloon represented Harbor and that he still has a place in our family. I know some of the family members didn't look so thrilled about it. But for me, it means the world! And that is priceless! My older children love having "Harbor's balloon" in their pictures! This isn't the 1st time we have used this concept. On Easter, shortly after Harbor past, I took a photo of my children dressed up for Easter! All in matching lavender purple! So Harbor's balloon was the same lavender purple as well!

I have been struggling for the past month or so. Its crazy and unexpected, at least for me. That being pregnant again, has been so difficult. I chose to try again, so soon. I know that. I knew going into this pregnancy that I would have struggles, but never did I imagine I would be so torn. So emotional. So worried. So frightened. So confused. So perplexed. I didn't realize the impact it would have on my older living children as well.

That night we had pictures done...my dear sweet daughter, "S", came sobbing to me shortly after getting home. She told me, "I miss Harbor, so much." I held her for a while and told her I miss him too and that I don't understand either, why some babies have to die. But that I have faith, that our loving Heavenly Father has a plan for each and everyone of us. And that he has a wonderful plan for Harbor's life as well. "S" asked if we could write a message to Harbor on his balloon and send it off to him! I thought it was a wonderful idea! All 6 of us took a turn writing him a note on his balloon! We took it outside at nearly 10pm, kissed his balloon and sent it off to Harbor in Heaven!

Antibiotics.

Having a hard time swallowing the news from today's Genetics phone appointment. There's a possibility that the antibiotics I took before, during and after Harbor's death...might be the reasoning for his untimely death. Even know I followed my Drs advice and took them, I still can't help but feel responsible. My husband says I'm not to blame, but i failed to do the 1 job I could have done...keeping him safe.

6 months he's been gone. My heartaches so badly tonight. I'm so sorry, Harbor, my love.

6 months.

On August 12, You would be 6 months old. Learning to crawl. Learning to sit up. You'd probably have teeth and eat bites of food off my dinner plate. 6 months since you came into my life and stole pieces of my heart. 6 months without you here. 6 months has never been so short but felt so long all at the same time.

Harbor~

Not a day goes by that you aren't a thought in my mind or brought up in a conversation. You are every bit apart of my life. Now. And forever.

I announced to friends and family via facebook that we are expecting again. I want others to know that you aren't being replaced. But that in fact your place in our family is very much yours...FOREVER. No one can fill your shoes. No one can fill the void in my heart where you belong. I guess, I want to make sure that you aren't forgotten. That your short life holds a purpose and that there was a reason behind why you had to leave so soon.

As your little brother or sister is growing, my fears and anxiety that they will leave me too, grows. I wish that I could some how just forget that loosing you was and is so hard. I wish joy would fill me once again. I wish that I would have been granted another story, one with a happy ending...that included you in it. One where I would get to see your beautiful face. See you smile. Watch you grow. Hear you laugh. A story that didn't have to end 6 months ago. Leaving its reader...me...hanging on. Wishing that the story never ended. Wishing the story still continued. But it's as though someone has borrowed your book of life and ripped out the final chapters. I am left to pick up the pieces and figure out the ending. Or make it up as I go.

So for now...happy 6 month angelversery! I love you so very much son!

Love~ Mommy

My Due Date

Today is the day I so highly looked forward too. A day marked on the calendar since November 2013. A day that was suppose to be filled with joy & happiness. A day where friends & family would have gathered together to congratulate us, rejoice with us & offer us up their blessings. Oooooing and aaaaahhhhing over each perfectly formed little feature. Today was planned out so differently, in my mind.

I had envisioned a day where I was ripe with life. A day where I was so uncomfortable but excited. I would have been filled with so much excitement, everyone would have known. My bags would have been packed. Clothing carefully picked with the anticipation of the individual that was suppose to fill them. A day filled with photos! Tons and tons of photos. Tears. Joy. Sweet relief & Lots of LOVE.

But reality is...my heart is broken...my arms are empty...and today has played out so very very differently. As grateful as I am for the children I have been blessed with...I long for a few extra moments with the son I never got to know. The son that I had to say "Good bye" too, before I ever got to say "Hello" too.

Today is another reminder of what I am missing out on. A reminder of all that could of been and should have been. A day of sadness, sorrow, heart ache and tears. Oh how I wish today could have turned out differently.

Harbor Reed, I love you more then life itself. I love you to infinity and beyond. I hope today you are surrounded by angels that cuddle you and tell you stories about me, until I get to see you and hold you again. I love you my dear sweet boy! Eternity can't come soon enough.

Pandora's Box

What happens after the storm passes?

I am pretty sure it's NOT the same for everyone. The damage and effects that can be ever present after such a horrible storm. You look around and asses the damages. You try to clean up the wreckage.

As Harbor's original due date approaches, I find myself in utter disbelief. You see, nothing can prepare you for the loss of a baby. Or the aftermath of rubble and debris that you will continue to have to sift through for the rest of your life.

As much as I have been trying and praying for another baby to come our way, I was blown away when I took another pregnancy test, on July 9. Normally the past 5 months that I have taken a test, the color changing strip has quickly passed over the 1st line and brightly changed to pink on the second. Indicating that I am NOT pregnant. I would be super disappointed and depressed once again and within the next few days Aunt Flow would pay her monthly visit.

Timing or lack of hormones is what my OB has been thinking. I had her run tests on me to make sure that everything was back to normal. Even know my periods have been all over the place. Spaced so far out that there is NO gauging on "timing." Or when to expect my monthly or every other month-monthly visits. All tests did in fact come back as normal. So I was left to just PRAY, PRAY, PRAY. (Oh and just keep trying.)

Well all of a sudden I had such an overwhelming, powerful feeling that I should take another pregnancy test. Let me tell you just how hard it was for me to convince myself to actually go buy another box of tests. "Knowing" that NOTHING was going to be different. So it didn't matter any ways. Knowing, That after I take this new boughten test, I am just going to start my period again anyways. I debated on waiting until morning to take it since after all, you know...morning pee is the the best. But I figured if disappointment was going to set in, I just wanted to get it over with. So at 7pm I decided that "oh what the heck. I am just going to take it." I go in, pee on the stick and place it on the counter top. I turn my head away as to throw a fit that I am just going to toss it into the garbage angrily any ways so watching it change and skip a line isn't what I wanted to watch. I finish going to the bathroom and then I looked.

Not 1 line....but two this time! Are you freaking kidding me? Is this a joke? Did the asparagus we just ate for dinner have some sort of effect on the test? I can't believe it. I start instantly bawling. "THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU." Is all I can get out of my mouth. I debated on tell my husband right away or waiting. But I run in to the other room where he is watching a tv show. I stand in front of him and show him the test and I just keep bawling. I drop into his arms and just sob. "I am thrilled." I tell him. "But utterly terrified as well. I just don't want to loose this baby too."

It has been a couple of days now since I found out and I haven't told a sole. Other then my dear sweet friend/doula, Laine! I am so scared that something is going to happen again. Afraid that my heart is going to be ripped to pieces again. Uncertain on telling people, because I don't want to disappoint any one else or get their hopes up again for a baby that might not make it. Terrified of the possible outcome. And not being a healthy baby in the end. I want to tell everyone. I am excited. But I don't feel like I will have the Love and support that I would need IF something did happen to happen to this new little "peanut." I want so very badly to be happy and care free again. To not have such worries and fears. To not have such sorrow etched upon my aching heart. I have cried numerous times since finding out. I just want a baby, alive in the end....in my ARMS. I want to hear it cry and scream. I want to hug and kiss this baby so badly, just as I had wanted and still want to with Harbor.

Loosing Harbor has opened my eyes to so much. A world where babies die. A world where life is unfair. A world where moms cry for years on end. A world where grief is ever present. A world where babies don't make it to their due dates and there isn't anything you can do to change the outcome. You have NO choice. It just happens and it can happen more then once to the same person. I know, I have now lost 2 babies.

I told my mom this evening that we are expecting. My mom gave me a hug and asked me if I was ok. I told her "no. I am depressed." She quickly thought that it was due to all my siblings being in town for my little sisters wedding. Our conversation ended and then I followed her down to her room and quietly told her "I am actually expecting again and I am having a hard time being happy. I just don't want to loose another baby." She hugged me as I cried and cried and cried. I told her "I don't know if I should tell anyone or just wait?" She advised me on waiting to tell.

But how long do I wait to tell people? Do I wait until 17weeks and then tell everyone? But what if I had lost Harbor at Birth, would people expect me not to tell them we were expecting again until my next baby was born 'Healthy?'

I mean...I am so torn. I know the impact that Harbor's death had on so many friends and family members...myself and my husband and kids. Do I dare open Pandora's box again?

This has been so hard. I don't feel like I have friends or family members, such as my sisters whom are visiting, to tell them that I am pregnant. They can't even have a conversation with me about Harbor dying. What makes me think..."oh yay...hey sisters...I am pregnant again and I have NO clue if this baby is going to make it to term."

I am so sick of feeling alone. I have felt alone this whole time since Harbor died. Nothing has changed even know I am expecting again. I want to share with my friends whom have lost a baby that we went to our support group with, but I mean, at what point is "Hey we are expecting again" come up in grieving conversations. I don't want to inadvertently hurting someone's feelings. Even know this new baby isn't a 100% guarantee.

I thought life would seem somehow better when we were able to get pregnant again. But unfortunately, life seems to open a whole new can of worms after a loss. I am happy, sad, scared, tired, alone, grieving a baby that I might not ever get to meet, etc. It just doesn't seem to get any better. Sheer terror haunts your every thought. It's like I am grieving 2 babies that have died. Even know this baby is alive at the moment. The emotional roller coaster is hell and it's only been a few weeks.

I have months to go still. Ugh.

1 week...7 days...168 hours...

As the days have turned to weeks & weeks have turned to months...my love for you Harbor Reed, only deepens. My heart ache at times, so unbearable. Today would have marked 39 weeks. But unfortunately, it's been 20+ weeks without you here. Oh how I have missed you dearly son.

When will this sorrow and longing to hold you, get easier?

Not a moment of my day goes by without you being spoke of or thought of.

It's so hard to watch all my friends have their babies or get ready to meet their babies. We were all due about the same time.

Tonight I am just missing the joy of getting to hold you.

Tonight I am saddened by the thought of your due date coming & going. Then the major holidays that I was anticipating spending with you, in them, are quickly approaching. Life has become one big blur, filled with emptiness and deep thoughts.

Absent...

If you haven't noticed...I have been absent for a while. My last entry I was contemplating on where to go or what to do. Last time I wrote, I didn't want to go to my Oasis in the Desert.

I started my trip off with a 3 day weekend trip to the Ocean. We meet up with some old friends and their kids. We camped out next to the beach and had a blast.

Long story, short....I had a bad feeling that something bad happened back at home. Since my cell phone doesn't work on the beach I decided to load us all up and leave for home a day early. Upon our arrival at home, my mom informs me that my husband had come home the night before us because his Grandpa was on his death bed and not expected to live through the night.

We decided that we couldn't change the outcome of Grandpa's death. So I loaded the family up and we drove to my Uncles farm any ways. That turned out to be the best thing I could have done for my family. The 1st real day we spent together my Aunt and I drove into town to do her bi-weekly shopping trip. It was so nice to be able to go out to lunch and grocery shop together. Especially, the conversation! That would be my favorite part! I got to share some of our experience about Harbor's untimely death and in return I learned that my Aunt had also lost a baby about the same exact gestation as Harbor. She got to share with me her story & it was so nice to know that she knew exactly how I have felt.

We got to relax! We hiked hidden caves! We got to visit an Indian museum! We also got to go to our 1st Rodeo! It was such a wonderful time....had by all!

When I got home, I just wanted to turn around and just go back. But this time for good. But unfortunately I couldn't. So we are back home, getting finishing touches ready for my little sisters wedding. 2 days and she will be officially married!

The past month has been such a whirlwind of emotions for me. It's not getting any easier for me either with all my siblings here.

Silence is Golden.

There is so much going on in my head. It's as if someone has turned on multiple radio stations at the same time. I can't seem to think straight. My focus is so far gone. I just want to be freed from this constant chattering.

At times, I can tune in clearly to 1 single station. When I do, I find:

Negativity. Unkind thoughts. Self doubt. Self worth. To do lists. Complaints. Arguments with myself. Indecisiveness. Questions. Confusion. Anger. Conversations. Soul searching & Why me's.

As you can see, I can't seem to make sense of my own self. So I definitely don't expect anyone else to understand me either.

A friend of mine, keeps thinking I might be upset or angry with her. Afraid that she has hurt my feelings by something she might have done or said.

Truth be told....ABSOLUTELY NOT.

I have hit a wall with the world. I don't want to be around any one. I don't want to talk to any one. I just want to be in a quiet place, undistracted by any one or anything. I want to calm my own thoughts. I want to feel in control of ME, before returning to life & others. Some people might call it Depression & try to force meds down my throat. But honestly, I just need to work through this 1st year, of ALL the 1st (Holidays, due dates, birthdays, etc.) without Harbor here.

Every year my husband takes off to Girls Camp (it's a camp just for the 12-18yr old girls. They do ropes courses, 1st aid, hiking, outdoorsy stuff, etc.) for our church. He helps maintain fire wood, helps where needed, man stuff...you know. So every year while he is gone I take my kids to my Uncles Farm. My absolute favorites' spot in this world. It's remote, calm, laid back, my children run free to explore this world and all it holds, I get to just sit & relax, enjoying my whole week to myself with the great company of my Aunt & Uncle and I am always sad when we have to leave.

It. Is. My. Oasis!

But this year it's different. This year I can't bring myself to go. I just can't.

Don't get me wrong. It's just....I need to remove myself from the world. I need to find myself. I need to tune into each and every station, individually and listen quietly. I then, need to sort it out & work through it.

Cry it out. Yell it out. Write it out. Just figure it out.

I don't want to have to entertain any one or be entertained. I am really hating small talk or chit-chatting. I have been easily frustrated by nonsense. Irritated by loudness. Annoyed by a dirty house & lack of respect. My list can go on.

Can someone please send me away for a major Time-Out? Please!!!

"Duct tape is Silver. But Silence is Golden!"

Now if I could only use Duct tape to silence my thoughts! That would be helpful!

No Voice.

I can speak. I can articulate what I have to say quite well for someone whom at 1 point was deemed as a High School delinquent. But when it comes to being able to talk to someone in my own family about how I feel or what is going on in my thoughts...I can't seem to muster out one single word.

Unfortunately, that is the honest truth.

So I will continue to share here, openly, on MY blog.

With that being said. My little sister has been home for a month now, from her 18 month mission, serving for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. She is officially engaged to be married. The date has been set for July 16. As in less then 6 weeks from now. As in about a week before I would have been due with Harbor.

Life is busy and buzzing with Wedding planning and....oh yeah, we are planning on moving out of state before the summer is up as well. So if life wasn't stressful before, now add 2 huge life changing events in the mix as well. Somedays I don't know how I keep my composure. While other days, aren't as composed.

This week has been hard. We have now crossed over the 16 week mark of Harbor's death. He was on Earth growing for 16 weeks and now he has been GONE for just as long...plus a few days.

I have tried to honor him this week by going out and purchasing a window decal that I had specially made just for him! It is feet print with Angel wings and has his name and birthdate on it. Only down fall...I don't have a car to put it on. You see. The car I drive, belongs to my parents and when I mentioned possibly putting it on the back window, my mom, wasn't too happy about the idea.

Disappointment...to say the least.

Back to planning Wedding crap. I have ZERO desire to help with a Wedding. When I got engaged, we were married within 2 weeks. I just wanted it over and done with. I just don't understand all the hoopla over a DAY. Call me crazy. But it is...just another day.

Apparently 8 out of the 9 siblings will be in town for the Wedding. Oh poor pregnant sister if mine that can't make it. Is all I keep hearing. The comment of "Oh poor...(sisters name whom I shall keep nameless) can't come out for the wedding because she is due in September."

I swear if I hear that phrase one more time I am gunna snap. "Oh poor pregnant sister." What's the problem with her being pregnant? I mean...hell. I never once heard "Oh poor Robin, her baby died."

I wish I had an excuse as good enough as that, to miss our baby sisters wedding. There is absolutely NO reason why anyone should be pitty-partying my pregnant sister.

I am extremely bitter this evening just thinking about EVERY sibling being here and wanting to be here for the Wedding and just how alone I have felt after loosing Harbor. No one came out for me. What the freaking hell? I just don't get it. I don't even have support from the 1 person I crave it the most from...MY MOM.

After we found out that Harbor had died, my mom was the 1st person I told. I called home to tell my husband (because we live with my parents) and my mom answered and sensed something was wrong and asked me what was going on. I remember telling her "They can't find a heart beat. They can't find a heart beat." All the while, sobbing uncontrollably hard.

2 weeks after Harbor was born, is when my mom realized we had taken pictures of Him. I was telling her about when my in-laws had come over and how my mother-in-law asked to see pictures of Harbor. She said "How come I haven't seen them?" I replied "because you didn't ask." I feel like....only sharing him with others, if they truly ask and WANT to see them. It's not something I am gunna bring up in a conversation. Like..."Oh my son died. I have 300 pictures of him. Would you like to see them?" If you know about him and would like to see him. Ask!

I have only shared Harbor's pictures with a handful of people. His photos are one of my most precious and sacred treasures.

I am having a hard time with the thought of ALL (minus 1) of my siblings being here in town. Why? Because I want so badly for someone to reach out and just HUG ME. I mean, utterly and truly, HUG ME.  As in a heartfelt, I'm here for you. I'm sorry for your loss, kind of hug. Not just the...Hi, I haven't seen you in a couple of years...it's nice to see you, hug.

But I have to keep reminding myself...this time...this get together...it's not about ME. It is about our baby sister that is getting married. That's all.

I know I sound self-absorbed and like a 2 yr old. But right this minute, I really don't care. I AM HURTING AND I feel so alone. I think sometimes, had I held a funeral for Harbor, would have ANYONE even shown up for it? Would siblings, family members or friends show up? I doubt it. That's why I chose NOT too. I wish I would have. I would have held a funeral if it was for ANY other one of my older children. So why didn't I do it for my baby boy?

I am struggling with the fact that we might NOT be able to get pregnant again. That Harbor is, quite possibly our last baby. Since his birth, I have had 2 periods. Super far spaced out. Like 40+ days apart. I have always been 28 days between periods,  on the dot, from the moment I started as a teen. Even after EVERY baby. Including our loss of Jamie in 2004. I had Jamie, then had 1 normal period and got pregnant with our daughter. Even after a year of absents due to nursing. From the moment of the 1st period starting back up, it was like....Clock work. Normal. Every 28 days.

From all my internet searching this is NOT normal. I have contacted my OB/GYN and I'm waiting to hear back from them on possibly testing to make sure that I am ovulating and that everything else is as it should be. I am just petrified that something might be wrong and that my body is now out of whack and we won't be able to add to our family. We have always wanted more children. Even while we were pregnant with Harbor we had talked about having more. So internally I am freaking out. I'm sure it's probably some hormonal issue and I'm praying that's the case and that it's an easy fix.

But deep down inside...fear has conquered, raised it's flag and set up camp. I have: Fear of the unknown. Fear of the future. Fear of letting go. Fear of forgetting. Fear of moving forward. Just....FEAR.

I did meet with my therapist this week and she was helpful. I feel horrible that my hour session turned into 1 hour plus 45 extra minutes. Oops! I apologized to her, but she was so sweet and said that it was fine. Thankfully NO one was waiting to be seen after me. Otherwise I would have felt even worse.

She found it interesting that I can OPENLY and honestly share my feelings....My needs.....My wants.....My fears.....My sorrow......My jealousy....My resentments....My thoughts....MY VOICE.

She was trying to help me figure out WHY I can be so expressive and easily share MY journey through our loss on my BLOG.

But...with my family....with my friends...IN PERSON....I freeze up. I am at loss for words. I can't freely share my pain and grief or give an honest answer to the daily question of..."How are you doing?" That automatic response just flows so freely off my tongue..."I'm ok."

I'm NOT ok. Far from it most days. I have just cried for the last hour before writing this post. I have been pretty sad today and after reading the poem below I cried even harder.

Here it is:

"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and tell them about you. But since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?" ~Author Unknown

I hope that in time....I will find my voice and share all that I have endured with those that are willing to listen.

Until then...I will continue writing.

Sticks and stones...

'Sticks and stones, may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.'

Oh how I wish that this childhood jingle could ring true all the time. But unfortunately, that wasn't the case, this time. Definitely easier said then done. For sure.

While on a Return to Zero the movie forum on Facebook this afternoon a conversation came up. It was a quote from the movie. It was the scene where Maggie & her mom were having a conversation and her mom told her she had had a "miscarriage" before she had gotten pregnant with Maggie. Maggie is shocked that she hadn't heard of her moms loss until now.

Here is the dialogue from that scene:

This was a very profound scene in this movie. It validated so many babies by just stating..."It's still a loss...And it still hurts. It's not just the loss of a baby, it's a loss of a possibility of what might have been-and that is exactly the same."

I have felt this way since back in 2004 when I lost our 1st baby. But as the comments poured in, it was obvious that mothers to Still born babies didn't feel the same way. Some spouted off really mean and hurtful comments. I was so furious that they were belittling MY son. Devaluing his existence because he was born before some "cut-off" date that was placed by some random, rule-maker-person, that believes that babies aren't babies until a certain gestational age.

Justify it however you need to in order to sleep better at night people.

What a load of crap.

So I couldn't take it any more. I broke down and truly had to let these ignorant people know how it is from my point of view. So, I copied my post titled VALUE in their comment section. I felt so much better afterwards. It's so profound and rewarding to see so many people LIKE my comment. It was validation, that I think deep down inside, I truly needed. I am NOT alone and obviously, there are others that feel the same way that I do.

One particular comment afterwards stood out to me and has forever changed my terminology. She was trying to make a point because her baby died 3 days before the "cut-off" date to be considered a Stillborn baby. Instead, her baby was called a "miscarriage." She said she started calling her babies death...an Early Stillborn. I love that.

Saying, Early Stillborn, at least acknowledges that there was in fact a real baby there. Her son, just like MY son...they each had 10 tiny toes. 10 tiny fingers. Ears. Nose. Mouth. Eyes. Etc. They were human beings.

I had to be induced. I had to deliver his body. I had my milk come in as well. I don't understand how others can sit an compare their losses with mine and say such horrible things.

So I will never call Harbor's death a miscarriage or a late term miscarriage...again.

Editing...processing...loading...waiting.............

EARLY STILLBORN.

That is what I will be calling our loss, from now on.

Harbor was Still. Harbor was born. He was a Stillborn baby. HE WAS STILL...BORN.

Jealousy.

The emotion of jealousy comes into play a lot more then I would have ever realized after a loss of a baby.

My emotions have increased and my awareness has heightened. Little things that never would have bothered me....do now.

I am focused....well, maybe just more aware of others and the things they say & do. Wether it is geared towards me or not. I know sometimes I take it personal.

Like this last week, my cousin announced that she was excited because she was having her baby shower. Normally I would be over the moon thrilled for her and any one else I know in this situation. I mean who doesn't LOVE a baby shower? Everyone does! That is....until you have experienced a loss of a baby. My cousin and I were due 1 week apart and it's another reminder that life is moving on....with or without Harbor in it. It makes me so jealous because Harbor was very much wanted.

Another friend of mine is due a week later then Harbor's due date and she has been posting pictures of her ever growing belly. I find myself more depressed and resentful towards her and everyone else I know that is expecting. I don't mean to be. I don't want to be. I just can't seem to help it.

The other night, while at an Ice cream parlor, I went to check my family in and a pregnant lady walked in, in front of me. I wish so bad to have changed places with this woman. I wanted and should have had a belly, big and round. Feeling Harbor wiggling and kicking me.

While out with my husband Saturday Morning, I had a melt down.

I am sad, depressed, jealous and overwhelmed beyond belief. So many friends and family members getting ready to have their baby showers & babies now. Just more hurtful reminders that life is and will continue too move on without Harbor. And there's nothing I can do to change or fix the outcome. It just sucks!

Picking up the pieces.

"It's so hard to see our kids so upset. I just wish I could fix it. But there isn't anything I can do or say to fix it. And that kills me inside." ~me

My friend DVRed Return to Zero the Movie for me. It aired on Lifetime a week ago! So tonight I decided that I was going to go over to her house to watch it. I took along with me: my husband and ALL 4 of our children. I knew there would be scenes where I felt my kids needed to cover their eyes and because I had seen the movie back in March, I could tell them when to do so. 'A' fell asleep quickly once the movie started. Thank goodness. Destruction free. Everyone else's eyes were affixed upon the TV screen.

I had explained to my kids right before we started the movie that this wasn't a happy, ha-ha kind of movie. This was a true story based on a family, who's baby died. Just like ours and that this movie might be difficult to watch. Nobody protested.

We watched as Maggie (played by Minnie Driver) learned that her son Arthur didn't have a heart beat. Oh how fresh that all too familiar phrase was replaying once again in my mind. My heart racing a thousand times faster then normal. The feeling of shock and disbelief, rushing over your whole body. Consuming you with a deep dark grief, that only those that have lived it, truly can understand.

Everyone else was handling the movie so well. At least that is what it seemed. That was until Maggie actually gave birth to Arthur and she's hugging him and crying. 'T' my 11yr old leaned over onto my arm and mustered out..."I can take it any more. I just can't watch it any more." Uncontrollable sobs poured out his eyes. 2 watery cascades of salty tears just flowing like waterfalls. I hugged him tightly and while doing so, I am telling him how much I love him. I tell him how sorry I am for HIS loss. I am sorry there isn't anything that I can do to fix this. After a few minutes, I was able to convince him that the movie does end happier and to finish out the last 15-20 minutes of the movie.

We finished it and headed home. Once at home, everyone quickly changes for bed and I realize 'T' is on the couch. He is crying once again. We talk. We cry. We hug. We laugh. We hug & we cry some more. And an hour later he is finally in bed.

I truly hate that I can't FIX any of this pain or sorrow. For myself. For my husband. For my kids.

The past few months have been extremely emotional for ME. At times I forget that my children are suffering as well. After all they did loose a BABY BROTHER. He died. He isn't coming back. As much as I am hurting over Harbor being gone, I can only imagine how it must feel to lose a baby brother.

How do families pick up the pieces after a loss? How do they glue back the tiny shards of their life, that are all shattered upon the floor? It seems impossible. Grains of sand so fine you can barely see them with the naked eye. But you know there there. You can feel it.

I pray that peace will come unto my family. A peace so powerful and bold, that we will become like an Anchor in that sand.

Strong & Mighty.

 But like that Anchor,  we will become..........UNMOVABLE!

Tangible.

On our last night of our Support Group therapy, it was suggested that we take up and explore other outlets to convey or capture our emotions on our loss.

I have to say that I have been pleasantly surprised with myself on a few attempts so far.

You see...I don't have much to hold on to, in the sense of tangible items to remind me of Harbor. We as humans, seem to think that possessions, help us remember, honor and capture our memories. I have found this to be true on numerous occasions.

Example: when we moved from Colorado to California we had to pack our whole house. Well, in doing so, touching a certain item, triggered certain memories or thoughts. Mostly of good, pleasant, happy moments! But there were some things that triggered unhappy thoughts or memories, as well.

Much like a Hoarder that I have seen on TV shows. The Hoarder has a deep emotional attachment to different items in their house. Causing them to have serious mental, emotional and physical responses to each time. Making it hard to let go of each item.

For me, loosing Harbor at 16 weeks didn't give me many tangible items to remind me of HIM or my pregnancy. Or items to trigger happy, joyous memories that I have spent with HIM.

My grief right now...IS tangible. It is something that I have been holding onto. As sad as that may sound (even to myself.)

His orange blanket...IS tangible. It is something I have and can snuggle with if I wanted too. That HE touched! But the memories associated with his blanket is tainted. Tainted with death. Tainted with sorrow. Tainted with pain. Just tainted.

His Urn...is tangible. As hard as it is, to sit and hold his tiny heart shaped urn. It is also tainted. Tainted with grief. Tainted with guilt for NOT being present at his cremation. Tainted with regrets of NOT having him cremated IN or ON something. Tainted with loss. Tainted with sadness.

My dear sweet neighbor and friend has taken it upon herself to reach out to me during this difficult trial in my life. She has gone above and beyond what a friend or family member would do. She has: written cards, made me a Mother's Necklace with Harbor's a birth date on it, she has driven with me 3 hrs each direction just to see Return To Zero the movie with me. This same friend recently bought and named a Star in honor of Harbor! She has helped me make Harbor's Little Wooden Box a reality.

I love that she has helped me to have positive, happy, joyful tangible items to remind me of my son.

Even with all that my dear sweet friend has done for me to honor him, I still feel so detached from him. So I started dabbling in some art. I started with a drawing and I am very impressed with myself and how it has turned out! Now, I am by NO means a good artist. Unless you qualify stick figures as an artistic ability. Ha! Ha! Ha!

I have also tried my hands at sculpting. I used Model Magic clay because I have sensory issues with Play-doh and mainly because I home school my 4 older children and Model Magic clay is all that we have in our home. So I sat down and tried to create an Angel boy out of this clay. He is kneeling down, sobbing his heart out with his face buried in his hands. He does have wings on his back as well. It's not perfect in any way. But neither am I.

I am grabbing at and trying out ways to process, in ways I never knew existed. I am trying to create Tangible things that remind me of him. That don't send me back to a dark place in my life. I am trying to soften my blow of reality. I am taking hurtful emotions and trying to make them more comfortable to feel, see, process and understand.

I am grabbing at whatever I can that is...TANGIBLE.

GONE.

I would have been 30 weeks pregnant this week. Instead my reality is...it's been 14 long, painful roller coaster filled, emotional jam packed...weeks since Harbor has been gone.

I can't even begin to explain how it feels. I try to explain it, but I don't even think my words make sense anymore. At least not to me.

Harbor has now been gone, nearly as long as he was alive.

(That is the worst sentence I have written in a long time.)

For me it feels as though he died yesterday. Feelings, emotions, visions just as fresh and raw as the day he stole my heart & drifted off to heaven with it.

I don't even know what to say or write anymore. Other then today was another rough day. Milestones that would have been joyous but that are now filled with more disappointment, more sorrow, more grief.

Oh, how I long to cuddle him, look at him and kiss him again. To be granted that dreadfully hard day again, would be much better then the days, weeks and months I have faced since HE has been gone.

Tears fill my eyes as I think about all that seems lost. My hopes, my dreams, my future...all filled with happiness...gone. 14 weeks ago everything seemed alright...now, it's all just gone.

This evening while I was cooking dinner, spaghetti to be exact. My mom asked if there was anything she could do to help. I said we need spaghetti sauce. She brought out the huge jar of Prego sauce that we had used in our Pregnancy Announcement pictures. I debated on telling her the value of this particular jar of sauce and what it meant to me. But who am I kidding? It's spaghetti sauce for crying out loud.

(This was how I told my husband that we were expecting Harbor!)

But I seriously have been holding back the tears since. Who knew something as insignificant as spaghetti sauce could have such a huge impact on me. But it was THE JAR, the one we held in our hands. To announce to the world we were excited and happy to be expecting another child. My mom didn't know or realize, so I'm not upset with her. I'm just sad that that memento is no longer going to be in our pantry. That reminder of Harbor, alive in my tummy,  is gone forever.

Value.

I feel so alone at times on this perpetual grief cycle.

(This is a Grief Wheel)

How hard is it for other people...grieving parents of miscarried babies, late term miscarried babies, Stillborn babies, infant loss babies, aborted babies, etc...to accept that a loss is a loss, no matter how "old" the baby is.

I read a comment today that was written by a mother that lost her baby during her 36th week of pregnancy. She made a comment about how people like me whom have lost a baby before 20 weeks, shouldn't be categorized with grieving parents of a "Stillborn" baby (a baby that dies after the 20th week.) Basically saying that I don't  have the same rights, to mourn as she does.

So I have taken this comment so personal, it astounds me. Why should I mourn the loss of Harbor any LESS then her? Oh because she had more time with her developing baby. Because my heart couldn't possibly have bonded with him as much as she did with her baby.

Harbor had just as much potential as any other child or baby that has died. Why should his death be any different then her babies? Because of a few weeks?

I have many friends whom have "miscarried" multiple babies & yes, everyone mourns differently. I understand that. Everyone's situation is similar, but each story is personally tailored to our own journey through this challenging event. I don't find it appropriate for any one to devalue MY personal feelings on MY loss. We aren't out to one up the other grieving parent. Like it's some sort of competition, as if to say "my son lived longer then your son, so he meant more. Was wanted more. Had more hopes and dreams wanted for them." Seriously?

We should be: kind, loving, caring, compassionate shoulders to cry upon and uplift each other through our darkest hours/days.

Harbor's life was cut short. But he has made such an impacted in so many peoples lives. Especially mine! I will NOT let anyone belittle his life.

"A persons a person, no matter how small." ~Dr. Seuss

Addiction.

Is there such a thing as being addicted to reading other peoples stories of their losses? I would much rather sit and read 20 other peoples stories then sit and watch a movie. I have no desire to focus my attention any where else right now. If this is part of the grieving process, then yay me! If not, I may need help.

I feel that by me reading their stories I am some how validating that their child existed. That they mattered and in return, someday, someone will read through Harbor's story and in doing so, validate HIM as well!

I especially love it when their families have added a photo of their sweet little baby! I pray that at some point I will openly share Harbor's photos. But for now, it is very hard for me to share his photos with family members, let alone the thought of sharing him with the world, through pictures. I suppose my biggest hold up is...fear of people making rude comments or making fun of him. Judging him.

Shortly after Harbor died I came across a blog with a baby about the same gestation as Harbor. This babies family shared photos, sweet, loving photos. Sad, real and devastating personal photos. I read a few comments on that blog and it made me cringe that people can be so mean and hurtful towards this tiny baby's pictures. It made me sick to think that someone might be that mean and rude if I shared Harbor. So for now, he will remain faceless to most of the world.

I especially like reading the blog posts on www.returntozerothemovie.com because it has multiple stories of so many babies that have left this world all too soon. I love that other families are reaching out and trying to break the silence of Miscarriage, Stillborn and infant loss. It is a very difficult decision to speak out and share such personal, heartache and despair with strangers and the world.

Regrets.

I DO have regrets about Harbor's Death.

Regret #1: Complaining about his possible gender.

You see, I have 3 living BOYS and 1 living GIRL. I half jokingly kept telling everyone that if "this" baby (Harbor) was another boy, I got 2 weeks to cry and complain about it and then I had to move on and get over the fact that it was boy #4 for us. I truly regret that statement above and it is probably 1 of my biggest regrets. I hate that I felt so strongly against having "Another" boy. Now I would do just about anything to bring my son back. To just hear him cry, look at me or even just kick me from in utero.

Regret #2: Not having any form of clothing or blanket for him to be cremated in.

There is something comforting to know that when someone dies, that they have clothing on. Not just ANY clothing, but maybe their favorite clothes or some sort of clothing that is special. I could have even settled on a blanket that was hand made with so much love, just for him. But Harbor had NOTHING. It bothers me so much some days. I have made special blankets and clothing for all 4 of my other children. But I didn't have enough time on my hands. And it certainly wasn't the 1st thing that came to mind when we were informed he no longer had a heart beat. Below is a link to an article that makes me so happy! There are people that care and it is amazing! I just wish that Harbor could have had something like this when we died.

http://t.today.com/moms/somebody-cares-donated-wedding-dresses-become-angel-gowns-babies-who-2D79476642

Or you can visit their personal webpage here: http://www.nicuhelpinghands.org/angel-gowns/

Regret #3: Choosing to NOT allow our older children the choice to come see Harbor in person.

The ONLY complaint my 8 yr old daughter had, was NOT being able to hold her baby brother. I think my heart broke into a gazillion pieces more, after hearing her sobbing about it. My husband and I felt at the time we were making the right decision on behalf of our children. We didn't know what the state of Harbor's remains would be in by the time he was born. We didn't even know if an induction was even going to work. We were impending a dreaded doom of a possible D&E (dilate and extract, an abortion process which is inhumane in my personal books and if that were to happen, we wouldn't have been allowed to see him.) We were scared beyond belief and totally unprepared for any of the events we were to go through. So the thought at the time was...it was too hard for US, so it would be even harder for our children. But I think I underestimated my children's need for closure, when Harbor died. I am so sorry kids, that daddy and I had to make such a difficult decision. We love you and wish that things could have played out differently.

Disappointments.

"Your strength is in maintaining who you are!" Talking about NOT loosing yourself in self pity, during times of disappointment in your life. (These were the words spoken by a pastor yesterday on Mothers Day.)

This sermon really got me thinking about how I have been self absorbed and rightfully so. But to what extent? Do I or should I continue on in this life being angry, bitter, depressed, jealous and spiteful? As much as I love and will always love Harbor...when will I start living again...for him?

How embarrassing or ashamed would I feel if, when I die, Harbor asks me "Mommy, how come you stopped living when I died?"

I honestly wouldn't even know where to begin, to answer that question.

So yesterday at my Sister-in-laws church, the pastor spoke mainly on being a mother that has been disappointed...with something in your life. He went on to list a few examples:

You're disappointed that...your children didn't turn out the way you had planned...you don't own the nicest, newest house, car, clothes, whatever...you haven't been able to have children...your child or children have died...his list went on.

 But I got choked up feeling that he was all of a sudden speaking directly to my aching sole. He told of a story about Ruth in the bible. How she had a family and all of them died. So she changed her name and she changed her identity. I don't know much on the story of Ruth. (I openly admit that I am NO bible thumper and I have a horrible memory unless I can relate and personally connect to those that I am reading about.) So the Pastor goes on about how when Ruth was going through a rough trial she pulled away from The Lord and was bitter. Within doing so, she lost sight of who she was.

But if we decide and whole hearted choose to have a relationship and I mean, a sincere relationship with out Savior...then we will feel complete again.

Christ can renew our broken, childless hearts. Christ gives us HOPE! Christ gives us STRENGTH!

I will say it again..."Your strength is in maintaining who you are!"

So these words have eaten at me all night long. I have allowed Harbor's death to define me.

'Am I just another parent that has had a child die? Am I just a bitter, jealous lunatic? Am I just a horrible mother because I have been absent from fully grasping onto life with my living children?'

I have been allowing Harbor's death to change me and NOT for the better. I would be very ashamed of myself. If Harbor had actually asked me that question. What can I do to change my perspective? I thought.

Tired from the lack of sleep because I was up all night with 'A' who was screaming and crying all night due to leg pain. I chose to NOT complain. I choose to embrace the moment and snuggle him that much more. Happily thanking God for this moment. For allowing me to have 'A' and my 3 other living children!

When the dishes were piling up and laundry as well. I chose to NOT be angry that I was the only person doing it. I choose to be thankful for the opportunities to serve my family by doing these chores. And you know what? My oldest pitched in willingly and happily I might add!

This morning I woke with a new outlook on trying to live my life. I loaded my 4 older kids in the van and surprised them by going to the bowling alley. Unfortunately there were about 75 old people there ready to take over the whole alley for league. So we basically drove a good half hour out of our way just to sit in a bowling alley to eat our lunch for 45 minutes. I could have been really angry and taken my frustration out on the poor guy running the place but instead, I told my kids who were highly disappointed that they didn't get to bowl..."Hey. We got to eat lunch in a bowling alley! We have never JUST eaten lunch in a bowling alley before! That was pretty awesome!" I then made a quick change in our plans and we headed to an indoor trampoline place and had a blast! Grabbed ice cream on our way home and played outside!

Does this mean I have moved on? No. Does this mean I won't ever complain again? Unfortunately not. I am human. Does this mean that I am past grieving my sons death? No. It just means that I am trying to hold on to the main thing in this world that I CAN HAVE CONTROL OVER...MYSELF!

This sermon really made me rethink. Reevaluate.

I know God has a bigger plan then I will ever know in this life. Yes, I am disappointed that MY Perfect plans for this life haven't worked in my favor. It was a nice reminder that I am NOT in control of what happens. I only get to control the way I react and handle the situations that come my way.

I get to...fine joy and peace in MY............DISAPPOINTMENTS!

My thoughts about Mother's Day

This Mother's Day is stirring up a lot more emotions then I had anticipated.

Why? It's not like this is your 1st Mother's Day. After all, it is just another...silly holiday. You must be asking yourself this, right?

Mother's Day holds a heavy spot in my heart. Mother's Day is an extra reminder of just how much I miss Harbor and Jamie.

My husband and I had announced we were expecting Jamie (our 1st Miscarried baby) on Mother's Day. We had actually found out we were expecting just before our 1st Born sons, 1st birthday! We decided that it would be so fun to wait and announce to the whole family that we were expecting again, at our Mother's Day get together. We got a nice jewelry case box and placed our Positive Pregnancy Test inside. Wrapped it up nicely and gave it to my Mother-in-law. We couldn't wait to see her reaction. She opened the box. Looked confused for a few moments, then, bing! The light switch turned on & "Are you serious?" Poured out! We were thrilled. Over the moon, excited! But about a month and half later, I miscarried. So Mother's Day has always been hard for me.

This year, I don't expect anything less. It's a painful, extra reminder, emphasized on being the one thing I cherish the most...A Mother.

If you can't imagine how that would feel...try this...trying imagining the 1 person you wouldn't want to have to live the rest of your life without (a grandparent, your mother, your dad, a friend, a pet, whomever.) Now imagine...that unfortunately you HAVE TO live your life without them in it. So, from now on...1 specific day a year...EVERYONE rubs it in your face that they are no longer alive and their own (grandparent, parent, spouse, friend, pet, whomever) is. Ha! Ha!

Now, I imagine that is as close to how you can personally relate. But a 1000 times worse.

For me it is hard because I DO have living children. I KNOW what I am missing out on: Homemade cards, stamped with cute, chubby little hands & feet print! Misspelled, hand written, heart felt cards! Adorable tissue paper flowers! Glitter covered drawings! I love you's! Coupons promising to "be good for the whole day" or for "one extra hug!" Freshly picked flowers (or weeds) from the yard that were so lovingly hand picked just for me!

Mother's Day is a day to reflect on Thanking your Mom for bringing you into this world. But who thanks a mom on Mother's Day for giving birth to her deceased child? No one.

For giving birth to them, knowing that it will be the ONLY time you get to touch, kiss,  hold, smell, look at, take pictures of them. The ONLY time when you truly feel as though you get to BE the Mother to that child.

Mother's Day this year is going to be harder because this year...I have 2 in Heaven.

Pardon my French...but I'm calling Bull Sh**!

When I started this blog I figured..."oh, someday it will be a great place to uplift and support other women and families trudging though the aftermath of a Late Miscarriage."

But...the more I write...the more my words reach a depth inside of myself that on some days I can't seem to understand, find or make sense of.

My blog is a safe place to reassure MYSELF that, hopefully, at some point, this pain...this grief...this sense of feeling worthless...this yell at the sky...this punch the couch...this absolutely life changing sorrow...will one day make me a stronger person. A better friend. A more grateful mother.

 I don't know how. I don't know why. I just do. Because if I believe for a second that there wasn't a Damn good reason for having to go through all of this...I would loose my freaking mind.

So lately I have been searching for something. That one certain thing, that will click...that thing that will just make sense...that will just sooth my sole...that will make me feel some what put back together. Complete. Whole again.

Scripture verses. Praying. Writing. Driving. Being overly tired. Being overly scheduled. Going to the temple. Talking with people. Service. Not talking with people. Watching mind numbing amounts of stupid shows. Etc.

Unfortunately, I haven't found my one thing. And the worst part is, that nobody can relate to me personally to help me out. No one seems to understand where I'm at. So I have to put on a front and BS my way through my day.

I just want to NOT have this event define the rest of my life. But I'm still not sure how to move forward. How does one become "okay" with the fact that their never going to be able to experience this life with their child? How do you just "get over" it?

I mean, I can get over the fact that a favorite sports team didn't win a big game. I can get over not being skinny, ever...again. And I can certainly get over not eating a favorite candy. I can get over not buying a certain house, car, clothing or shoes. But how do you become so desensitized to fact that your child is never coming back? I can't just get over the fact that Harbor died.

So...

I'm calling Bull Sh** on..."Getting Over" my son's death.
I'm calling Bull Sh** on...me writing to help others.
I'm calling Bull Sh**...on this whole thing.

Decisions

When I started my family...I never imagined that I would have to hold an angel here on earth. I never thought that in a million years, I would have to decide weather to bury or cremate my baby. Pick out a casket smaller then my daughters American Girl Doll or which Urn to hold his remains in.

I never knew that there were so many heartfelt, heart wrenching and pain stakingly difficult decisions I would have to make.

To hold a memorial service for a baby NO one ever got to hold. Let alone ever got to see. Or just do away with the notion, as to not put friends and family members in an awkward position. I mean really..."today we gather together family and friends...we're here to...what...celebrate a life that never was...we're here to...say our good byes to a baby we never got to say Hello too..." It was a hard decision to NOT hold a service. I mean, that is what people do when someone dies. Right? To Hold some sort of service to commemorate a life that was lived.

My grandmother past away in December 2013. At her funeral, people sang songs that she loved. They told stories about her. We laughed. We cried. We rejoiced that she was finally...after 86 years, she was returning home to Heaven. She had children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren present at her funeral. We had a chance to pick one of Grandma's Teddy Bears that she collected, to keep as a keepsake, to remind us of her.

So in comparison...Harbor didn't have people tell stories about his life. There wasn't a gathering to mourn together and have people hold us up. We wept secretly in our home. We don't have the memories to last us until we meet again in Heaven. Harbor never had a chance to hug a Teddy Bear or to look at a book or hear a book read. He won't ever have children or give me grandchildren. Basically, it was as if he never existed. And that hurts. I never had a chance to make him an outfit to be cremated in. I never had a chance to make him a blanket to be wrapped up in.

When your in the moment of just trying to come to terms that your baby has died, you can't and don't think about anything else. You have to make decisions that will haunt you the rest of your life. We didn't know that we could have put pictures, toys,   a blanket, flowers, etc. with him when he was cremated. I hate that I didn't even think to ask. But it was my 1st experience planning a funeral for anybody, let alone my own baby. But in our case, NO funeral. But funeral arrangements.

My thoughts are really heavy this evening. This weekend has been a trying time for me. My nephew had his 1st Communion and the last time we were in that church was right after I had had "A." But this time, my newly born nephew was the baby in attendance. My thoughts and emotions were difficult to hold back. So many people were in attendance to this joyous occasion. It was truly a beautiful service.

But thinking about how things were suppose to play out differently.

How in 12 weeks...we were suppose to be bringing our son home for the 1st time. Friends and family members would have joined us in our room after his birth, to hold him and love on him and Thank God he was apart of our family. In less then 12 weeks from now, I was suppose to be having my baby shower. Which my dear friend and neighbor had already started planning. I would have started his baby blanket, baby book, made numerous outfits with little suspenders and ties on them. I would be worrying where we would put up his crib, Hang his clothes & store his stuff.

Not...planning his funeral. Not...grieving in silence. Not...trying to hold myself together. Not...being able to freely share his existence with my friends, my family, the world...is just NOT FAIR.

27 Weeks...

I often sit and wonder how things would be if Harbor was still alive.

I know. I know.

Why torture myself? But I do frequently.

Today. Today would have marked his 27th week of being alive! But unfortunately it's been 12 weeks since he's been gone. I hate that it's been nearly as long since he died, as he was alive.

Today is the 1st time I have looked at my What to Expect When You're Expecting book since Harbor died. I actually threw the stupid book away and never wanted to see that reminder again. But today, I was curious as to what he might have been like had he had more time with me. Crazy? Quite possibly. But I can't stop thinking about him. This loss's impact has been far more difficult then when I lost our 1st baby @ 12 weeks. Because with our 1st loss, the baby had been absorbed. So the reality of my loss actually being a real life baby, wasn't as prominent as when Harbor died. Don't get me wrong. I mourned the 1st loss badly. I stayed in bed and sobbed for days. My in-laws came over 1 day and helped where they could with my oldest son 'T', who was only 15 months old at the time. The grieving process was completely different.

But today...he would have been 27 weeks old! We would be feeling and seeing him move in my tummy. We would be getting ready to welcome home my youngest sister from her 18 month long mission for our church! This was one of my highlighted milestones during Harbor's pregnancy. I was looking forward to this day since the beginning.

This week (according to What to Expect When You're Expecting book) this week Harbor would have graduated into a new growth chart. No longer being measured from crown to rump, but now being measured from head to toe. And he would have been close to 15 inches long. He would have been about 2 pounds.

That's all a far cry from the measurements that he actually was when he was born. If you don't remember, he was 5 1/2 inches long and a measly, 2.12 ounces. Not even a pound. He was so tiny. But completely perfect!

This week: his taste buds would have increased. Which means he would be able to taste the difference in the amniotic fluid when I would have eaten and he would have reacted to spicy foods. Or get hiccups. Oh how I wish I could have felt those pesky hiccups. I remember laughing at times with my older children when they would get hiccups. My tummy would rhythmically bounce and jump!

Why do I do this to myself? Ugh...why to I sit and ponder on the what if's?

This week would have been the closing of my 6th month being pregnant and the start of my 7th month. I can't help but think about everything that I would be doing to get ready to meet Harbor in person. Had we just made it a few more weeks...I can't help but wonder if he might have had a chance to survive. But then reality sets in again. This isn't a possible outcome. Stop dwelling on the: should haves, could haves, would haves. But it's extremely hard not too.

So now I've have looked in the index of this well known book to search for the information they have shared about Late Miscarriages. To my surprise they only have a very small 4-5 paragraphs on this subject. No wonder I felt unprepared for such a horrific possibility. (One of the questions it answers is) HOW COMMON IS IT? Late miscarriages occur in about 1 in 1,000 pregnancies.

What? 1 in a 1,000! Wow! No wonder I naively went along in my pregnancies all these times and never once even thought it could possibly happen to me. This book makes it seem like it almost never happens. And definitely NOT to people like me. People whom: don't smoke, don't drink, don't do drugs, eats healthy, makes good choices...I mean, it couldn't possibly happen to that kind of person. WRONG. So very misleading. I feel sucker punched in the gut. Well, if a well known pregnancy book barely says anything about Late Miscarriages, then it most certainly couldn't happen to THAT many people.

But reality sets in again...information had been misinterpreted and it most certainly can happen to even the best of the best. The most careful of careful people. It happens. A lot more then the What to Expect When You're Expecting book leads on. It's not the Holy Grail of Pregnancy books. I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you that.

All I have ever wanted to be was a Mother. I have wanted LOTS of kids since I was 7 or 8 years old. Thankfully I have living children to love, hold, kiss and remind me how grateful I am. But my heart aches for the children I won't get to do those things with also. Especially with the thought of Mother's Day quickly approaching. I don't want to have anything to do with Mother's Day. Not this year at least.

But I will save that for another day.

Because today. Today...I am mourning 27 weeks and all the good things that were attached to Harbor's growth. Today I am mourning that I won't ever get these weeks back. All the possibilities, the hopes & the dreams that were attached to this week and the weeks to come.

Just so we're Clear...

Let me clear up a few things, because obviously some people need to be informed.

Clear up #1: I don't have the plague.

As much as you feel the need to distant yourself from me, please don't. It's more hurtful towards me and YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DIE FROM BEING AROUND OR TOUCHING ME.

Clear up #2: Your baby isn't going to die if I touch it.

I have now had 3 people refuse to allow me to hold their babies since Harbor has died. I'm not sure what they are thinking or if I'm just taking it too personal. But seriously, it is hard enough for me to be in the same room as your babies, let alone ask to hold them. And when you refuse for whatever reason, I feel as though you believe I have the plague. And that if I touch your baby it will contract it. Please see Clear up #1 for information on that subject.

Clear up #3: I'm NOT ready to listen to anyone complain about a newborn crying.

As flattered as I should be that you may feel comfortable enough to call me and ask me for advice because YOUR newborn screamed bloody murder/crying all night. But honestly...I can't handle it. I just want to yell at you. What wouldn't I give to be able to hold MY OWN screaming, crying newborn ALL NIGHT LONG.

Clear up #4: I don't give a flying flip about what so and so gave you as a baby gift.

Please for the love of...anything holy, please don't freaking share detailed information about...the oh, so sweet...blah, blah, blah...you received. I'm already jealous of your healthy, living baby in your arms. I can't handle the over joyous crap you just received for baby so-in-so too.

Clear up #5: Just because you have seen me smiling or laughing, don't assume everything in life is peachy.

Underneath my smiles and laughter there is many, many tears. I spent some of yesterday bawling. Today, I've been on the verge. Something small or something big can trigger the water works. It could be a certain word. Or scent. Or song. It could just be a thought or something I've just seen.

Clear up #6: I hate being told that I am strong or brave.

How can a person be considered Strong after their baby dies? Why am I considered Strong? Because I haven't committed suicide to join my baby. Or because you couldn't handle it as well as I can. At least that is what I've been told. But yet I'm expected to be better now. To have moved on and over the fact that my baby died 3 months ago.

I'm brave? How? I didn't have a choice to loose my son. Bravery is an action word for doing something or standing up to something. It is best described by me: I might be considered brave if I was face to face with a bear and had a gun in my hands, but certainly not in this situation and the death of my son.

I am sure I can come up with many more and I might possibly at a later date. But I will stop there this evening.

Saying Good-bye.

This was our last homework assignment because last night was our last meeting. We got to bring anything we wanted to share with the other couples about our babies. My husband and I brought Harbor's Little Wooden box. We shared photos, his blanket and his feet prints.

Others shared their photos as well! It was so nice to officially see their babies and some mementos of their babies! By the end of class, nobody wanted to leave. It's a bitter sweet moment that you don't want leave. The bonds that we have forged together as we are grieving our losses is irreplaceable. I personally didn't want this to be our last weekly meeting. It was something that I looked forward to all week long. A time when I could freely share how I truly felt and receive feedback from others that could personally relate. I hope that our friendships continue to grow and that we will still see each other at monthly meetings.

Homework (Week 4) ~April 14, 2014~
Week 4: Journaling Topic:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Write a letter to your baby. Tell them of your hopes and dreams for them, or express to them the emotion you are feeling now that they are gone.

My dear sweet Harbor boy,
Oh how I miss you moving & growing within my belly. The days are turning into weeks without you here. Your big brothers & sissy, miss you so much as well. Our hearts won't ever be the same again. Your life, even though it was only a short span, has marked a huge spot in our worlds. Every time 1 of your older siblings do something: funny, crazy, cute or annoying, I can't help but wonder how you would have changed our dynamics.

From the moment I knew you were alive & growing, I envisioned you! I had planned out holidays spent with you. You would have made the cutest little Superman at Halloween time! Friends & family members would have smothered you with hugs & kisses! You would be held all the time. I truly don't think you would ever be laid down!

Your big brother 'T' was looking forward to lovin' on you! He already had things he so lovingly wanted to do with you! Like rock you to sleep while singing songs to you. He wanted to make you laugh & smile. He has cried the hardest since you left us.

Your big Sister's biggest complaint is that she didn't get to hold you. She has cried many times with the thought of NOT being able to hold you until she goes to Heaven. She loves you and misses you dearly.

Your big brother 'M' loves to talk about you and draw pictures of you with Jesus! It warms my heart and makes me smile! He misses you as well but it's a nice comfort when he reminds me of who you get to spend your days with! I know you are being well taken care of and are surrounded by friends & family members that will love on you until the day I get too!

I was looking forward to moments spent with you in my arms. Nursing you. Hugging you. Bathing you. Touching & counting each little finger & toe. Running my finger over your chubby cheeks. Gazing into your eyes and watching them light up when you recognized it was me! The sleepless nights. The diaper changes. I was looking forward to all of it. My arms ache with emptiness and the lack of your presence is noticed and felt throughout my day.

Oh, what wouldn't I give, to hold you 1 more time?

Last week, your daddy & I went to Ikea. On our drive there, we smiled in delight as we took the Harbor exit (the very Exit, you where named after)  & then the very next exit we took was Reed St exit (which we didn't realize)! How ironic! Your 1st & middle name, 1 right after the other! It felt like a sign from you. Letting us know you were present, when we needed to feel you most!

The days...weeks...and even months now, aren't getting any easier without you here. Every time your big brother 'A' sees a baby, he feels compelled to hug & kiss them or pick them up. And every time, I think of how he would have loved you to pieces too! He loves to hold your urn and kiss it! Much how he would have cuddled with you in person!

I'm not gunna lie...I miss you so badly. I wish I had more time with you.

So much I want to say to you...but you know the intentions of my heart and the words I can't seem to find to say to you. Heaven has another special little guy and they are lucky to have you back.

I'll love you forever, my sweet baby boy!

Much love, Always and forever!

Love your Mommy

How does 1+1=3?

At what point does one...stop counting the days, weeks, months or years since their baby dies?
For me it has been: 69 days, 11 weeks and nearly 3 months since Harbor was born. Still counting.

At what point does one...not look at certain dates and cry?
For me: Holidays, birthdays, my little sister coming home, July 30th my due date, my calendar on my cell phone has OB Dr appts and my 20 week ultrasound appt scheduled. Still breaks my heart.

At what point does one...start looking ahead? Planning for the future?
For me: I would love to look ahead without fear of everything. To have another baby and be a happy person again. But that day isn't today.

These are only a couple of the questions floating around in my mind this evening.

At times I wonder about our future. Like...

Are we going to try to have more children? If so, when is a good time? Too soon and everyone will think we have moved on. Waiting too long and everyone will think we are finished or too consumed in grief to go forward and have more children.

We know we would like to have more children. We had talked about having 5 kids when we were dating. Well, we now have had 6 kids, 4 living, 2 in Heaven. Most only realize we have had 1 loss. But we have now experienced 2. We lost a baby at 12 weeks back in 2004. It would have been born between our 2 oldest living children.

For me, this whole process makes me come across as a mathematical genius. I will give you a break down that runs through my head:

It takes 9 months or 37-42 weeks for a baby to grow to term.
If we get pregnant in...such in such month...our baby could possibly be born in...?
Then if we have another miscarriage or late term miscarriage that can set us back a few months on having a health baby in our arms, born at term.
So we are looking at another year or 2 before we could potentially have a healthy baby.
Then there's the whole, it took us a year to get pregnant with our son 'A'. So we could be looking at another year on top of that.

Ugh...my mind seems so wrapped up in the logistics of it all and I can't seem to be okay with any of it. I wanted and was looking forward to having a healthy baby this year. Spaced close to 2 years apart from his older brother. Now the thought that it might never happen again, makes me worried and sad.

I don't have a say in the outcome of my future. Not to the full extent that I thought I had. There is NO telling what our future holds.

Because 1 + 1 CAN equal 3! (You + Spouse = you, spouse & baby)

But if baby dies then, 1 + 1= 2. (You + Spouse)

Just saying...

My Obsession.

Robert Munsch's book titled "LOVE YOU FOREVER". Has always been my top favorite book since I was younger. But recently I read an article about this book. That solidified my LOVE for it!

It was an interview with Mr. Munich on 'What inspired' this beloved popular children's book. He went on to explain that him & his wife had lost 2 babies. They were Stillborn. He wrote this book for them! This article didn't mean as much or didn't hit home as much as it does now, months later.

I have read this book to my own children as they have grown up & I will continue doing so, for as long as I can! Quite often, you can hear myself or my oldest son singing it to a baby that is needing comfort or to a child that is tired.

The meaning behind this book is so powerful! A mother that LOVES her son SO MUCH as he grows up, that every night while he sleeps, she rocks him & sings to him!

I would like to believe that Mr. Munsch wrote this book for his Wife's aching heart. To help sooth their aching souls. To truly put into words what THEY (and anyone else who has lost a baby or child) would have wanted to do with their son!

IMAGINE HIM...HOLD HIM...SING TO HIM...ROCK HIM...JUST LOVE HIM!

After Harbor died, this article about this book came to mind. Now every time I'm in a  thrift shop and I see this book...I HAVE TO BUY IT. No joke. I have 8 copies of this book right now sitting on my shelf above Harbor's Memory Box. On this past Saturday, I bought 2 of them!

So I have been thinking for the past 2 weeks that I wanted to do something special for the 3 other couples in our Grief Support Group. But I have been having a hard time figuring out what to do or make or give to them. That was until I found those last 2 copies of this book. My ONLY fear is...that I will come across, as an insensitive jerk. That, maybe, my thoughtful, loving gesture, will come across as a painful reminder that our babies aren't here. So I talked with my little sister about my idea and she suggested that I write a personal note to each of the couples inside or in a card to give to them along with the book. So that they could know that I mean well. That sounded like a great idea to me!

Tonight is our last Grief Support Group meeting. I am sad because it has been really helpful. It's nice to be able to talk about my feelings openly with others that understand. Who aren't judge mental or make me feel like I'm burdening them with my grief. So tonight as we share our babies memories & mementos with each other...I will be giving these books, as a way to honor Harbor!

And Because Harbor isn't here for me to read to or sing to in person, I am singing out loud to him the song:

"I love you forever!
I like you for always!
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be!"

Because as long as I'm living......My Baby.....You'll be!

Happy 1st Easter!

Today is Easter.

So many things made today difficult.

During our church service, as a song was playing that the congregation was singing...I started crying. It was a song about Christ & heaven.

Also While at church, I received a sweet & thoughtful text message from my older sister. It read: "Hey, I just wanted to let you know we have announced our baby on Facebook. We are so excited! We love you and think of you and Harbor often."

If you couldn't guess...I started bawling. No holding back. I have known my sister was pregnant for months. She found out in January. We had talked back then, about us both having horrible morning sickness this time around. So it's not like it was a surprise or anything. I suppose I was upset because I'm reminded once again, that life continues on for everyone else.

But for me...my life is on pause.

My sister also announced her 5th baby is another BOY! I'm happy for her! We have shared pregnancies #1, #2 & #3 together and we each had our #4 NOT when the other was pregnant. But then we were excited to be sharing our 5th babies being due close together again.

So maybe you can imagine how hard it still was to hear her message. I appreciated the heads up. It was so thoughtful & kind of her to do so. And she didn't have to do that. But she did!

It's just hard for me to swallow the fact that her son has passed Harbor's gestational age and the probability that her son will be born full term, healthy & alive...stings a little. My pea size brain can't seem to understand the WHY's.

WHY...did my son have to die?

WHY...couldn't I have had more time with My baby, like my Sister-in-law, my sister or my friends?

WHY...me?.....Again.

We then spent the majority of our afternoon with our newly born nephew. My husband was surprised that I held him as much as I did. But for me...it was therapeutic, a bit. My heart ached badly. And I'm sure I looked as though I was in outer space somewhere. I felt like crying the whole time, but I put on my best happy face. I listened as my brother & sister-in-law happily talked about events that happened the day their son was born. I viewed their photos from that day and smiled for their Happy Ever After, with a baby that was never intended to be here. They have 2 older kids and claimed to be finished with having children. So our new nephew was a huge surprise baby for them, nearly 12 yrs after their original last kid.

So it's hard to not be a little sad at the fact that WE have wanted more children & have tried hard to become pregnant. Then when we finally became pregnant, we loose him.

So today, I had to do something for myself. I needed to feel as though Harbor was validated on this 1st Holiday without him. So I bought 6 helium balloons: Red, orange, yellow, green, light blue & lavender! I took a picture with all 4 of my living children with 1 of the balloons to represent Harbor!

Then, We each wrote a message to Harbor & released our balloons up to Heaven, for him! I took pictures of each message that was lovingly & heartfelt wrote by: myself, my husband and all 4 of our living children! It was such a bitter sweet moment. I think my in-laws were a tad weirded out by it, but that's ok. I have to do for my family what we need done, to help us heal. And I am glad we did it!

Happy 1st Easter with Jesus, Harbor boy! We miss you & love you dearly! Life just isn't the same without you here.

My Condolences...

Homework (Week 3) ~April 14, 2014~
Week 3: Journaling Topic:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Write a condolence letter to your spouse.

Dear Nathan,

I wanted to say I am so sorry that your son, Harbor, has past away. I can completely understand how that must feel. I am sorry that you won't be able to watch him grow up or hear him say "Da-da." Or be able to see him smile at you. I can't help but feel responsible for your loss and I am truly sorry. I have appreciated you being by my side through this difficult time. I can't imagine some of the turmoil and heartache that only you, personally, can go through, as a dad. But you are an amazing husband & father!

It must have been really hard to sit beside me during the day we knew Harbor was going to be born and hold yourself together as well as you did. I was impressed watching you that day. What strength you showed me as a man of God! To watch you look up scriptures & stories about Prophets that have experienced loosing their own children. I appreciated that more then you may ever realize.

I am sorry your family & friends haven't been supportive or sensitive towards your feelings. I am also sorry that you took the brunt of people at church in order to protect my feelings. It has been a rough 9 weeks without your son in it. It hasn't been easy for the rest of us either.

We have been through so much in our married life and I couldn't imagine my life without you. Harbor will continue to be included in our family conversations, holidays & photos! He is your son & no one can take that away. No matter if we are able to have another child or not. He will not be replaced.

I hope & pray that you will find comfort & peace and know that you have a family that loves you dearly!

I love Harbor's name so much, because I truly feel HE is our Safe Harbor. He is a peaceful child & he is the calm after this storm. May he will be your light house & your beacon that rescues you from the hurt & pain of his passing. I love you babe.

I just want you to know that I am here for you as well! I love you so much!

Love Always & Forever! ~ Your Baby Blues (Robin)

Staying United.

Then, For this Weeks assignment, it was about Grieving as a Couple. We filled out a Work sheet, on what we thought about ourselves & our spouses and our processes of Grieving. I found it quite surprising to find out that my husband & I were very much on the same page. There were a few things that I didn't realize that my husband does...like I didn't realize that he looks at pictures & touch's Harbor's stuff. That was nice to know. Also at the bottom of our Work sheet it had 5 questions. The following are the questions & my personal responses:

Homework (Week 3) Couples Work Sheet ~April 13, 2014~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1.) When I am upset or hurting, what I really want from my partner is...
*To feel loved. Not be pressed to talk about whatever is making me upset. Sometimes, just left alone.

2.) My partner tries to help by...
*Hugging me. Talking to me. Sometimes he makes dinner or takes over with the bigger kids.

3.) If I could ask my partner to do one thing for me, it would be...
*To continue letting me know...He loves me & that I am doing a good job. Basically, I want to feel validated.

4.) Probably the biggest problem my partner and I face is...
*Miscommunication. Which leads to frustration & anger. Then, Arguing. It can be over something one of us thought the other said or didn't say. And not understanding where the other is on the Wheel of Grief.

5.) I now realize that if i could change one thing about myself in order to get a long better with my partner as we grieve, it would be...
*Be more compassionate towards my husband. Happily do things to help make life better for him, so he won't feel so stressed out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This new up in coming week is considered our last and final week of meeting in our Short Term Group. This weeks journaling topic is to write a condolence letter to our spouse about our loss. And/or write a letter letting our spouse know what we need or want from them during this healing process.

I have chosen to write a condolence letter to my husband. But I will save that for another day.

New Addition. No! I'm NOT Pregnant.

Today my family finally met our newest nephew for the 1st time since he was born. He is now 3 weeks old. We weren't planning on seeing him until Easter Sunday. But plans changed and our oldest was going to need to be picked up from my sister-in-laws house. We had a short amount of time to see the baby since we were on a time crunch to get kids to Taekwondo.

I know this might sound awful...but I was dreading the whole scenario that was playing in my mind. I seriously had heart palpitations and I just wanted to cry in terror. (Wow...I surprise myself, just writing that.)

But it's all true.

As I drove nearer to their house the internal panic increased & my blood pressure did too. How was this all going to play out? Sheer panic.

We made it inside the house and congratulated my sister-in-law. She was showing her son to my husband. I asked if I could hold him. She handed him over and instantly, my eyes filled with tears. My thoughts turned to a mixture of emotions, but mostly...sadness and happiness.

Looking my nephew over. Trying to in vision Harbor, if he had made it to full term. I wanted so terribly bad to whisper in his ear, those Words that I would have said to him had our outcome been different. "I love you and I'm so glad you're here." I mean, how hard could it be? Very hard. Harder then I realized.

He was so cute. He looked just like his daddy. My brother-in-law. He had quite a bit of black hair on his head. Cutest little nose. Poutiest bottom lip.

'A' was so cute with his newest cousin! He kept coming over & hugging him & kissing his head. Saying "Baby! Baby! Baby!" He then wanted to sit down and hold him! Kissing his head over & over & over again. It was a sweet moment.

But then I have to ruin it with thoughts of Harbor. Thinking this is how it was suppose to be. We were suppose to be the parents of a new baby & 'A' was suppose to be smothering OUR baby with hugs & kisses. Ugh...I hate feeling so jealous. I truly don't think I could have prepared myself for all that. I decided that my husband needed to have a turn. So I took the baby over to him to hold for a minute before we had to leave.

He was reluctant and as soon as our nephew was in his arm...instantly...tears filled his eyes. I could see how hard it was for my husband as well. He held him for a few minutes, commenting on some of his adorable features. He also noticed how much our nephew looked like our brother-in-law. He then stood up, walked over to his Sister and gave her a hug. I'm not sure of the words he spoke to her. But I would like to think he was congratulating her & telling her, he is beautiful!

We then had to hand the baby back & rush out the door. We were going to be late for Taekwondo.

Regardless of how we were feeling during the visit...we are glad that we finally met him and I hope in time, we will be able to hold our nephew & other babies & not long for the day when we get to hold Harbor again.

No Expiration Date On Grieving.

Then in Week 2, I felt our topics were even harder for me to answer. But I will share them with you as well:

Homework (Week 2) ~April 11, 2014~
Week 2: Journaling Topics
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Write a letter to your family and friends explaining what you need from them.

Dear friends, family members, co-workers....

I am in need of your continued love, light & support. Although it has been just over 8 weeks since Harbor's death. I am still dealing with so many emotions I didn't even know, ever existed. My children are still dealing with emotions that they have never experienced before. We have experienced a loss that is devastating to US.

It will take time, months, possibly even years, for our family to work through the grief and sorrow we feel. We will cry more then usual and at times, even seem angry. But please understand that this is perfectly okay, the tears we cry are for Harbor and the memories & experiences that we will miss out on, with him.

We know how uncomfortable our situation is for most of our friends & family members to cope with. We are having a hard time coping as well. Please know that your presence can be helpful. That talking about Harbor, by name, is like music to our ears. I know some might feel like they are sparing us from heartache by not mentioning him, but the truth is we will always hurt. He was and will continue to be a part of my families lives. It's important to our family that he is recognized.

If you don't feel comfortable talking about Harbor, it is perfectly Okay to: give us hugs, write cards or notes of encouragement or well wishes, a text or a phone call saying "I was thinking of you, today!" It is perfectly okay to say "I just don't really know what to say or do for you or your family." Because truth be told...neither do we! But your presence in our lives means more now then ever before, even though we may, at times, seem distant.

The loss of Harbor has been the most difficult thing we could have been asked to endure. We know that in time we will learn to laugh & smile again, but we will need your support and understanding along the way.

Sincerely~ R
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Journal about what your family and friends have done that hurts as well as what helps.

HURTFUL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Belittling our loss.
Acting as though Harbor never existed.
Saying insensitive comments or remarks.
Glamorizing another persons pregnancy or complaining about a pregnancy.
Not asking to see pictures of Harbor.
Not talking to me.
Acting like...I have had enough time to grieve, time to move on.
Telling me...to be grateful that I have living children.
When calling to talk to me, you only talk about the new grand son (that was born after Harbor died.)
Not texting or calling me like before.
Not coming to the hospital when we knew we were going to deliver Harbor.
Not hugging me.
Acting as though we have the plague.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HELPFUL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Making a heart the same size & weight as a Harbor.
Making a necklace with Harbors: name & Birth date on it.
Making a painting to honor Harbor!
Asking to see pictures of him.
Wanting to hear his birth story.
Sending cards, filled with love & encouragement.
Hugs.
Talking to me.
Bringing Meals over.
Taking my kids for an afternoon.
Watching the my kids so I can go to Counseling.
Helping keep my laundry clean.
Helping do the dishes.
Inviting us over for dinner & games!
Letting me cry.
Crying with me.
Going to a movie with me, 2 hours away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After I finished Week 2's journaling topics, I really felt the need to write Thank you letters to a few key people that have stuck out to me. So I spent a few hours writing Thank you letters to friends & family members! For those that truly know me, know that I am the worlds worst Thank you letter-er. So just felt like I need to express my gratitude a tiny bit more then my heartfelt personal, verbal, Thank you's!