Today is the day I so highly looked forward too. A day marked on the calendar since November 2013. A day that was suppose to be filled with joy & happiness. A day where friends & family would have gathered together to congratulate us, rejoice with us & offer us up their blessings. Oooooing and aaaaahhhhing over each perfectly formed little feature. Today was planned out so differently, in my mind.
I had envisioned a day where I was ripe with life. A day where I was so uncomfortable but excited. I would have been filled with so much excitement, everyone would have known. My bags would have been packed. Clothing carefully picked with the anticipation of the individual that was suppose to fill them. A day filled with photos! Tons and tons of photos. Tears. Joy. Sweet relief & Lots of LOVE.
But reality is...my heart is broken...my arms are empty...and today has played out so very very differently. As grateful as I am for the children I have been blessed with...I long for a few extra moments with the son I never got to know. The son that I had to say "Good bye" too, before I ever got to say "Hello" too.
Today is another reminder of what I am missing out on. A reminder of all that could of been and should have been. A day of sadness, sorrow, heart ache and tears. Oh how I wish today could have turned out differently.
Harbor Reed, I love you more then life itself. I love you to infinity and beyond. I hope today you are surrounded by angels that cuddle you and tell you stories about me, until I get to see you and hold you again. I love you my dear sweet boy! Eternity can't come soon enough.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Pandora's Box
What happens after the storm passes?
I am pretty sure it's NOT the same for everyone. The damage and effects that can be ever present after such a horrible storm. You look around and asses the damages. You try to clean up the wreckage.
As Harbor's original due date approaches, I find myself in utter disbelief. You see, nothing can prepare you for the loss of a baby. Or the aftermath of rubble and debris that you will continue to have to sift through for the rest of your life.
As much as I have been trying and praying for another baby to come our way, I was blown away when I took another pregnancy test, on July 9. Normally the past 5 months that I have taken a test, the color changing strip has quickly passed over the 1st line and brightly changed to pink on the second. Indicating that I am NOT pregnant. I would be super disappointed and depressed once again and within the next few days Aunt Flow would pay her monthly visit.
Timing or lack of hormones is what my OB has been thinking. I had her run tests on me to make sure that everything was back to normal. Even know my periods have been all over the place. Spaced so far out that there is NO gauging on "timing." Or when to expect my monthly or every other month-monthly visits. All tests did in fact come back as normal. So I was left to just PRAY, PRAY, PRAY. (Oh and just keep trying.)
Well all of a sudden I had such an overwhelming, powerful feeling that I should take another pregnancy test. Let me tell you just how hard it was for me to convince myself to actually go buy another box of tests. "Knowing" that NOTHING was going to be different. So it didn't matter any ways. Knowing, That after I take this new boughten test, I am just going to start my period again anyways. I debated on waiting until morning to take it since after all, you know...morning pee is the the best. But I figured if disappointment was going to set in, I just wanted to get it over with. So at 7pm I decided that "oh what the heck. I am just going to take it." I go in, pee on the stick and place it on the counter top. I turn my head away as to throw a fit that I am just going to toss it into the garbage angrily any ways so watching it change and skip a line isn't what I wanted to watch. I finish going to the bathroom and then I looked.
Not 1 line....but two this time! Are you freaking kidding me? Is this a joke? Did the asparagus we just ate for dinner have some sort of effect on the test? I can't believe it. I start instantly bawling. "THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU." Is all I can get out of my mouth. I debated on tell my husband right away or waiting. But I run in to the other room where he is watching a tv show. I stand in front of him and show him the test and I just keep bawling. I drop into his arms and just sob. "I am thrilled." I tell him. "But utterly terrified as well. I just don't want to loose this baby too."
It has been a couple of days now since I found out and I haven't told a sole. Other then my dear sweet friend/doula, Laine! I am so scared that something is going to happen again. Afraid that my heart is going to be ripped to pieces again. Uncertain on telling people, because I don't want to disappoint any one else or get their hopes up again for a baby that might not make it. Terrified of the possible outcome. And not being a healthy baby in the end. I want to tell everyone. I am excited. But I don't feel like I will have the Love and support that I would need IF something did happen to happen to this new little "peanut." I want so very badly to be happy and care free again. To not have such worries and fears. To not have such sorrow etched upon my aching heart. I have cried numerous times since finding out. I just want a baby, alive in the end....in my ARMS. I want to hear it cry and scream. I want to hug and kiss this baby so badly, just as I had wanted and still want to with Harbor.
Loosing Harbor has opened my eyes to so much. A world where babies die. A world where life is unfair. A world where moms cry for years on end. A world where grief is ever present. A world where babies don't make it to their due dates and there isn't anything you can do to change the outcome. You have NO choice. It just happens and it can happen more then once to the same person. I know, I have now lost 2 babies.
I told my mom this evening that we are expecting. My mom gave me a hug and asked me if I was ok. I told her "no. I am depressed." She quickly thought that it was due to all my siblings being in town for my little sisters wedding. Our conversation ended and then I followed her down to her room and quietly told her "I am actually expecting again and I am having a hard time being happy. I just don't want to loose another baby." She hugged me as I cried and cried and cried. I told her "I don't know if I should tell anyone or just wait?" She advised me on waiting to tell.
But how long do I wait to tell people? Do I wait until 17weeks and then tell everyone? But what if I had lost Harbor at Birth, would people expect me not to tell them we were expecting again until my next baby was born 'Healthy?'
I mean...I am so torn. I know the impact that Harbor's death had on so many friends and family members...myself and my husband and kids. Do I dare open Pandora's box again?
This has been so hard. I don't feel like I have friends or family members, such as my sisters whom are visiting, to tell them that I am pregnant. They can't even have a conversation with me about Harbor dying. What makes me think..."oh yay...hey sisters...I am pregnant again and I have NO clue if this baby is going to make it to term."
I am so sick of feeling alone. I have felt alone this whole time since Harbor died. Nothing has changed even know I am expecting again. I want to share with my friends whom have lost a baby that we went to our support group with, but I mean, at what point is "Hey we are expecting again" come up in grieving conversations. I don't want to inadvertently hurting someone's feelings. Even know this new baby isn't a 100% guarantee.
I thought life would seem somehow better when we were able to get pregnant again. But unfortunately, life seems to open a whole new can of worms after a loss. I am happy, sad, scared, tired, alone, grieving a baby that I might not ever get to meet, etc. It just doesn't seem to get any better. Sheer terror haunts your every thought. It's like I am grieving 2 babies that have died. Even know this baby is alive at the moment. The emotional roller coaster is hell and it's only been a few weeks.
I have months to go still. Ugh.
I am pretty sure it's NOT the same for everyone. The damage and effects that can be ever present after such a horrible storm. You look around and asses the damages. You try to clean up the wreckage.
As Harbor's original due date approaches, I find myself in utter disbelief. You see, nothing can prepare you for the loss of a baby. Or the aftermath of rubble and debris that you will continue to have to sift through for the rest of your life.
As much as I have been trying and praying for another baby to come our way, I was blown away when I took another pregnancy test, on July 9. Normally the past 5 months that I have taken a test, the color changing strip has quickly passed over the 1st line and brightly changed to pink on the second. Indicating that I am NOT pregnant. I would be super disappointed and depressed once again and within the next few days Aunt Flow would pay her monthly visit.
Timing or lack of hormones is what my OB has been thinking. I had her run tests on me to make sure that everything was back to normal. Even know my periods have been all over the place. Spaced so far out that there is NO gauging on "timing." Or when to expect my monthly or every other month-monthly visits. All tests did in fact come back as normal. So I was left to just PRAY, PRAY, PRAY. (Oh and just keep trying.)
Well all of a sudden I had such an overwhelming, powerful feeling that I should take another pregnancy test. Let me tell you just how hard it was for me to convince myself to actually go buy another box of tests. "Knowing" that NOTHING was going to be different. So it didn't matter any ways. Knowing, That after I take this new boughten test, I am just going to start my period again anyways. I debated on waiting until morning to take it since after all, you know...morning pee is the the best. But I figured if disappointment was going to set in, I just wanted to get it over with. So at 7pm I decided that "oh what the heck. I am just going to take it." I go in, pee on the stick and place it on the counter top. I turn my head away as to throw a fit that I am just going to toss it into the garbage angrily any ways so watching it change and skip a line isn't what I wanted to watch. I finish going to the bathroom and then I looked.
Not 1 line....but two this time! Are you freaking kidding me? Is this a joke? Did the asparagus we just ate for dinner have some sort of effect on the test? I can't believe it. I start instantly bawling. "THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU." Is all I can get out of my mouth. I debated on tell my husband right away or waiting. But I run in to the other room where he is watching a tv show. I stand in front of him and show him the test and I just keep bawling. I drop into his arms and just sob. "I am thrilled." I tell him. "But utterly terrified as well. I just don't want to loose this baby too."
It has been a couple of days now since I found out and I haven't told a sole. Other then my dear sweet friend/doula, Laine! I am so scared that something is going to happen again. Afraid that my heart is going to be ripped to pieces again. Uncertain on telling people, because I don't want to disappoint any one else or get their hopes up again for a baby that might not make it. Terrified of the possible outcome. And not being a healthy baby in the end. I want to tell everyone. I am excited. But I don't feel like I will have the Love and support that I would need IF something did happen to happen to this new little "peanut." I want so very badly to be happy and care free again. To not have such worries and fears. To not have such sorrow etched upon my aching heart. I have cried numerous times since finding out. I just want a baby, alive in the end....in my ARMS. I want to hear it cry and scream. I want to hug and kiss this baby so badly, just as I had wanted and still want to with Harbor.
Loosing Harbor has opened my eyes to so much. A world where babies die. A world where life is unfair. A world where moms cry for years on end. A world where grief is ever present. A world where babies don't make it to their due dates and there isn't anything you can do to change the outcome. You have NO choice. It just happens and it can happen more then once to the same person. I know, I have now lost 2 babies.
I told my mom this evening that we are expecting. My mom gave me a hug and asked me if I was ok. I told her "no. I am depressed." She quickly thought that it was due to all my siblings being in town for my little sisters wedding. Our conversation ended and then I followed her down to her room and quietly told her "I am actually expecting again and I am having a hard time being happy. I just don't want to loose another baby." She hugged me as I cried and cried and cried. I told her "I don't know if I should tell anyone or just wait?" She advised me on waiting to tell.
But how long do I wait to tell people? Do I wait until 17weeks and then tell everyone? But what if I had lost Harbor at Birth, would people expect me not to tell them we were expecting again until my next baby was born 'Healthy?'
I mean...I am so torn. I know the impact that Harbor's death had on so many friends and family members...myself and my husband and kids. Do I dare open Pandora's box again?
This has been so hard. I don't feel like I have friends or family members, such as my sisters whom are visiting, to tell them that I am pregnant. They can't even have a conversation with me about Harbor dying. What makes me think..."oh yay...hey sisters...I am pregnant again and I have NO clue if this baby is going to make it to term."
I am so sick of feeling alone. I have felt alone this whole time since Harbor died. Nothing has changed even know I am expecting again. I want to share with my friends whom have lost a baby that we went to our support group with, but I mean, at what point is "Hey we are expecting again" come up in grieving conversations. I don't want to inadvertently hurting someone's feelings. Even know this new baby isn't a 100% guarantee.
I thought life would seem somehow better when we were able to get pregnant again. But unfortunately, life seems to open a whole new can of worms after a loss. I am happy, sad, scared, tired, alone, grieving a baby that I might not ever get to meet, etc. It just doesn't seem to get any better. Sheer terror haunts your every thought. It's like I am grieving 2 babies that have died. Even know this baby is alive at the moment. The emotional roller coaster is hell and it's only been a few weeks.
I have months to go still. Ugh.
1 week...7 days...168 hours...
As the days have turned to weeks & weeks have turned to months...my love for you Harbor Reed, only deepens. My heart ache at times, so unbearable. Today would have marked 39 weeks. But unfortunately, it's been 20+ weeks without you here. Oh how I have missed you dearly son.
When will this sorrow and longing to hold you, get easier?
Not a moment of my day goes by without you being spoke of or thought of.
It's so hard to watch all my friends have their babies or get ready to meet their babies. We were all due about the same time.
Tonight I am just missing the joy of getting to hold you.
Tonight I am saddened by the thought of your due date coming & going. Then the major holidays that I was anticipating spending with you, in them, are quickly approaching. Life has become one big blur, filled with emptiness and deep thoughts.
When will this sorrow and longing to hold you, get easier?
Not a moment of my day goes by without you being spoke of or thought of.
It's so hard to watch all my friends have their babies or get ready to meet their babies. We were all due about the same time.
Tonight I am just missing the joy of getting to hold you.
Tonight I am saddened by the thought of your due date coming & going. Then the major holidays that I was anticipating spending with you, in them, are quickly approaching. Life has become one big blur, filled with emptiness and deep thoughts.
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Absent...
If you haven't noticed...I have been absent for a while. My last entry I was contemplating on where to go or what to do. Last time I wrote, I didn't want to go to my Oasis in the Desert.
I started my trip off with a 3 day weekend trip to the Ocean. We meet up with some old friends and their kids. We camped out next to the beach and had a blast.
Long story, short....I had a bad feeling that something bad happened back at home. Since my cell phone doesn't work on the beach I decided to load us all up and leave for home a day early. Upon our arrival at home, my mom informs me that my husband had come home the night before us because his Grandpa was on his death bed and not expected to live through the night.
We decided that we couldn't change the outcome of Grandpa's death. So I loaded the family up and we drove to my Uncles farm any ways. That turned out to be the best thing I could have done for my family. The 1st real day we spent together my Aunt and I drove into town to do her bi-weekly shopping trip. It was so nice to be able to go out to lunch and grocery shop together. Especially, the conversation! That would be my favorite part! I got to share some of our experience about Harbor's untimely death and in return I learned that my Aunt had also lost a baby about the same exact gestation as Harbor. She got to share with me her story & it was so nice to know that she knew exactly how I have felt.
We got to relax! We hiked hidden caves! We got to visit an Indian museum! We also got to go to our 1st Rodeo! It was such a wonderful time....had by all!
When I got home, I just wanted to turn around and just go back. But this time for good. But unfortunately I couldn't. So we are back home, getting finishing touches ready for my little sisters wedding. 2 days and she will be officially married!
The past month has been such a whirlwind of emotions for me. It's not getting any easier for me either with all my siblings here.
I started my trip off with a 3 day weekend trip to the Ocean. We meet up with some old friends and their kids. We camped out next to the beach and had a blast.
Long story, short....I had a bad feeling that something bad happened back at home. Since my cell phone doesn't work on the beach I decided to load us all up and leave for home a day early. Upon our arrival at home, my mom informs me that my husband had come home the night before us because his Grandpa was on his death bed and not expected to live through the night.
We decided that we couldn't change the outcome of Grandpa's death. So I loaded the family up and we drove to my Uncles farm any ways. That turned out to be the best thing I could have done for my family. The 1st real day we spent together my Aunt and I drove into town to do her bi-weekly shopping trip. It was so nice to be able to go out to lunch and grocery shop together. Especially, the conversation! That would be my favorite part! I got to share some of our experience about Harbor's untimely death and in return I learned that my Aunt had also lost a baby about the same exact gestation as Harbor. She got to share with me her story & it was so nice to know that she knew exactly how I have felt.
We got to relax! We hiked hidden caves! We got to visit an Indian museum! We also got to go to our 1st Rodeo! It was such a wonderful time....had by all!
When I got home, I just wanted to turn around and just go back. But this time for good. But unfortunately I couldn't. So we are back home, getting finishing touches ready for my little sisters wedding. 2 days and she will be officially married!
The past month has been such a whirlwind of emotions for me. It's not getting any easier for me either with all my siblings here.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)