A Year.

Picture this....

Invitations sent out. Party supplies bought. Presents bought. Your 1st birthday outfit carefully made to match the well thought out theme of your party. Candy bought. Cake smash pictures taken! Just snuggling you as the night winds down. Reminiscing about the joyous day you were born.

Tears start to stream as I realize this isn't how my night is going to play out. None of it. Not one single event from above will ever become my reality.

In reality....

I have boughten an Angel Food Cake mix. Blue frosting. A 1st birthday candle. And 24 balloons to release to my dead son in Heaven. No toys for a baby to play with. No big party to celebrate the life Harbor lived. No cutesy outfit for him to wear. No photos to remember this huge milestone. No snuggly babe to soothe this horrible ache.

A year. A whole entire year has past. I can't believe that a year ago Harbor was born earth side. No breathe of life. No joyous moment. No happy visitors.

I am so torn on how to feel. Grateful for the opportunities and lessons on gratitude. Thankful for another opportunity to have another baby on the way. Hurt and depressed because all I want is to hold Harbor, Sing to him and rock him. Sad that life continues on and mine has stalled.

His birth so fresh once again on my mind. Such a dark day that was. Lonely. Isolating. Pain strickening. A day full of prayers. A day full of deep sorrow. A day full of what if's and lots of unknowns.

A day that could break the strongest of the strong. A day that could drive the weak to the deepest depths of despair. A day you would be haunted by for the rest of your life. Scaring even the boldest of monsters in your nightmares.

Tomorrow may be just another day to others. Tomorrow may be JUST February 12th. But not for me.

"Are there birthdays in Heaven?

Do angels blow their horns?

Announcing to everybody, 

that this is the day you were born?

Can the stars be your balloons

And Angel Food your cake?

Presents wrapped in moonbeams 

All the angels helped to make.

Birthdays mean so much to me

They are always a big deal.

Birthday presents, lots of friends

And perhaps a special meal. 

So I will whisper a little prayer today

Asking everyone up above

To sing you a Happy Birthday song

And give you all my love!" 

Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday Harbor! I love you to the moon and back! Until we meet again, my sweet boy.

Free Agency & It's blessings!

About this time last year, I had gone in for what I thought would be another routine prenatal appointment. Boy was my train derailed when the OB dr I was seeing couldn't find Harbor's heart beat.

Today while at church we were asked a question:

"How is Agency a blessing in our life?"

(If you're not sure what Agency is...as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, we believe that before we came to earth we had a choice. To Follow Satan's plan or Jesus Christ's plan. With Satan's plan we would be forced to do what we do. But with Jesus' plan, we would be able to freely choose choices and hopefully our choices would lead us back to our Heavenly Father.)

So as I sat an pondered on this question. My mind went racing in all sorts of directions.

Harbor has been weighing heavy on my heart and mind these days, as it gets closer to his 1st birthday and closer to his little sister's arrival. I then started thinking back to that day...that day when I was told he no longer was alive.

My OB had to finally talk me through my options as I sat bawling in her office. I had 3 options: #1: I could choose to have a D&E (basically an abortion, not a choice I was going to make) #2: I could choose to go home and have him naturally (but with a prior loss it took over 6 weeks for my body to actually expel everything, not a good option either) or option #3: be induced and hope and pray that his body would be born in-tacked and whole.

In that moment, I didn't want any of those options. I wanted my son back. I wanted his heart to be beating and for the Dr to be wrong. I was in denial. Shock. Disbelief.

I made a hard decision to be induced. Even with the possibilities and doubt from the Drs. I felt it in my heart it was the right thing for me to do in this situation. Labor lasted just over 7 hours. But he was born. Fully in-cased in his bag of waters. Protected and whole! The events after weren't what I would wish on my worst enemy.

To hold your limp, lifeless son in your hands. To cry uncontrollably for hours and pray that that child would just breath. Just 1 cry. Something. Silence can be powerful. Pain strickening. Unbearable.

I have never felt anything more powerful in my life, then that night Harbor was born. I felt the angels from Heaven so incredibly close that night. I knew a force more powerful then anything earthly was carrying me through those 1st few hours. I can't even describe it. It was overpowering.

Now...I know you are probably wondering what all of this has to do with the question above:

"How is Agency a blessing in our life?"

Let me tell you. For me, being able to have options to choose from was a huge blessing in my life! I had my Free agency to choose whether or not to see my son. No matter the outcome from his birth. Because of this CHOICE I was able to hold and look at and admire in aw at his tiny features. I was able to take pictures that I cherish far more then anything.

No. I didn't have my free agency to choose whether Harbor lived or died. But I did get to use my agency on how he was born. And in my case, it was for the better.

I am grateful for the many blessings, people & friends, I have met and the lessons I have learned, of just how precious this life is. These things came along with the hardship I have endured, with the loss of my son.

Without my free agency of how Harbor was born, I could have been forced to have a D&E. That would have haunted me more so, the rest of my life. I wouldn't have been able to see or hold Harbor. I would have been robbed of the opportunities and memories that have come with his birth. Some good, some bad. I would have been left feeling more empty. More confused. More scared. More hurt.

But with my Agency, I have been blessed with closure. A better understanding. A piece of mind that helps me get through my days without him here.

No, I might never "get over" his death. I may never stop grieving. But I am more grateful for my opportunities to choose...in all circumstances.

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This week is harder for me already. Just knowing that I have made it nearly a whole year without my son here, kills me inside. The sister at church that gave our lesson also talked about "The Dash".

She read a short story or poem about The Dash. It talks about when someone dies and their tombstone says something like, 04/28/83- 09/17/13. How friends and family are the only ones left to KNOW just what that Dash meant in their loved ones life.

As she read this...I started bawling. (Pregnancy hormones, possibly.) but I started thinking about Harbor's Dash. He doesn't necessarily have a Dash. His birthdate is after his death date. Think about it. His death date is on about February 7, 2014 but his birthdate is on February 12, 2014. So his numbers on a tombstone would look like this: 02/12/14-02/07/14. Crazy & Confusing.

For a baby that is lost while inside their Momma's, there isn't always a Dash. But even without a dash, Harbor's life meant something to me. To my husband. To my other 4 living children. To some friends and family members. And that is something truly amazing! Some people are just special enough to grace this world long enough to make an impact that they didn't even need a whole Dash to define them or to mean something more!

My Pregnancy After Loss Bill of Rights

(http://www.pregnancyafterlosssupport.com/pregnancy-loss-bill-rights/)

1) I have the right to grieve my child or children that have died and/or the previous pregnancies I have lost. I have the right to be sad about my loss(es) during my current pregnancy.

2) I have the right to be scared, anxious and afraid. I already know what it is like to lose. I know how it feels to have the “It will never happen to me” actually happen to me. I have already had the worst happen, and I know it could happen again. Please don’t diminish my reality by diminishing my fears.

3) I have the right to receive support. I need it now more than ever. Especially from my family, friends, other bereaved and PAL moms, mental health providers, and my pregnancy care team.

4) I have the right to seek reassurance from others when needed. I also have the right to turn down reassurance that others give me that I did not ask for and do not want to hear or believe at this time.

5) I have the right to be believed by health care providers. I am the expert on my body, my baby, and this pregnancy, and my concerns should and will be taken seriously. If they are not taken seriously, I can and will find a doctor or midwife who will respect my experience and expertise of knowing myself and listen to my needs.

6) I have the right to plan for and have the birth experience I choose. Be it a at home, hospital, or C-section birth, I have the right to plan and hope for the birth experience that I will find the most healing. I understand firsthand that life doesn’t always go according to plans, but I still have the right to plan for things being different this time.

7) I have the right to not attend baby showers, birthday parties, holidays and any other events that are triggering for me. Declining an invitation to a baby shower during my pregnancy after loss is not self-centered or rude; it’s called self-preservation, which we all have a right to want and enact during our pregnancy after loss.

8) I have the right to feel joy and hope for this new life I carry inside of me. I am free to hope that this child will bring me some sense of healing and joy back into my life.

9) I have the right to NOT be okay. I have been through one of the worst experiences a person can go through; I have lost a child and the mothering of that child. Because of this I have earned the right to not be alright during this pregnancy after loss. If someone has a problem with that, then they might not be someone that can be in my life right now.

10) I have the right to remember my child(ern) that died and/or the previous pregnancy I have lost. Just because I am expecting again does not mean I have stopped grieving all that I have lost.

11) I have the right to celebrate or not celebrate this pregnancy. Pregnancy after loss is hard. It might be the hardest thing I have ever done after losing my child. I have the right to be confused about the dance of joy and grief that continually flows through me as I expect new life while grieving another.
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I really needed to read this right now. To feel validated in this whole process.

This evening Nathan and I took the tour of the hospital that we plan on delivering in. It's a very nice hospital. I was extremely impressed. After having 5 babies in 4 different hospitals we have seen and experienced some crummy care, but also experienced some good care.

The main reasoning for attending this tour was to try to overcome some of our PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) from Harbor's birth and death. The hardest part of our tour was when we were taken into the Labor and Delivery Room. The feelings of such sadness and sorrow filled us both as we faced the baby warmer, once again. You see...the baby warmer has been a memory of joy and happiness before. Drs, nurses and The proud daddy swoon over a screaming, crying, newly born babe. But with Harbor's birth, it was a different experience. It was an eerie silence that filled the delivery room. There were many, many tears. But it wasn't from a newly born babe. The warmer that once held such a joyful memory, is now tainted. Nathan quickly grabbed my hand and squeezed hard. As he looked over at the empty warmer. He was feeling overwhelmed with emotions as we both tried to hold back tears, as not to frighten a room full of expecting couples that joined us on this tour.

I know it seems odd or crazy to some of you, but I couldn't help but mention to Nathan as we later talked on our drive home...I wonder how many, if any of those couples, will end up having a Stillborn baby? How naive these couples were. (I told him.) I  wish I could go back to that point in time. Where I didn't have fear. Where I didn't think anything could possibly happen to my baby and ask seemingly "stupid" questions, like..."how soon after I get to the hospital can I have an epidural? Do you ever run out of birthing balls?"

It's so much harder this time around. I have struggled this time around in having faith that this little girl will actually make it here alive. I know I must sound completely insane at times to you. But this is my reality. My life has been altered. My reality that keeps me grounded...I have built a wall around my heart to protect it from the painful reality that babies die before birth. Without reason. Without any warning. At ANY time. At ANY gestation. No one is exempt. And just because we have experienced 2 losses now, doesn't mean we are exempt from it happening again. I am trying to keep it real. Not just to those that are reading this, but for myself as well.

I have a few outfits for this baby. But the excitement isn't fully there. No feelings to prepare. No excitement to run out and buy anything for her. It's so weird. Total night and day from how I have acted in the past for all my other babies/pregnancies.

I mainly just pray...I pray that time will hurry up. That the weeks will fly by. I pray that I will some how muster up enough courage and strength to make it through Harbor's 1st Angelversery in 2 weeks. I pray that, every week at every appointment, we will hear his little sister's heart beating. I pray that my health issues will remain small and not escalate to a state of emergency. I pray that when she comes, my heart can heal enough to open up and embrace this little girl with all my heart and soul. And that Nathan can heal to some degree as well. This hasn't been an easy road. But I am grateful for the friends and family that have been supportive every step of the way.