No words can express how a parent feels after the loss of a baby.
Physically: well physically, you go through more then any body should ever have to go through. You have pain stakingly carried that sweet, sweet child in your womb for weeks, heck, months. You have been through morning sickness, dizziness, fatigue beyond belief & body changes like none other. You watch as your belly grows to the point of having to increase in clothing size. Your breasts are preparing for milk.
Mentally: mentally, you are excited! To once again hold such a tender child! Joyful! Because we know how much joy another baby adds to our family! Hopeful for a long future together! Thrilled to have a date to find out your child's gender! The count down had begun. 4 weeks left! The high hopes of breaking the boy streak, was on every body's mind.
The feeling of finally. Finally after 4 successful births I was going to get the birth experience I had been dreaming about. A home birth. I had talked. No. Begged, my husband to agree with me. To trust me in this decision. And he did. We meet with our midwife. We Loved her! Set up an appointment to start our care & agreed I would also finish out my prenatal care to 20 weeks with Kaiser before fully jumping ship. Little did we know that our next visit with our midwife, would be the last time we would hear Harbor's heart beating. I had my next appointment with Kaiser 5 days later. That day. Who knew, that that Seemingly normal day would flip my whole universe to unrecognizable.
Normally, I have gone to my appointments alone. But on this day, I was particularly over booked with activities as usual. So the plan was, go to my appointment. Then quickly drive like a bat out of hell across town to make sure "M" (my 6yr old son) would be on time for his Speech & Occupational Therapy's (like every single other Tuesday, for the past year.) Then home to eat as quick as ever, to rush "T" (my 10yr old son) to Cub scouts & "S" (my 8yr old daughter) to activity days. But my life came to a crashing halt, in a matter of a couple of seconds.
My midwife at Kaiser cancelled on me that morning. So I agreed to be seen by ANYONE whom had an opening at the same time. As to not off set my whole fine tuned schedule. They found a Dr to see me & that was that. I arrived early as I usually do. 2 extra boys in tow this time, so chasing "A" (my 18 month old) around the waiting room until my name was called. We marched into the exam room. Sat down & the Dr came in. We talked about how big "M" was at birth (10lbs. 6oz.) & we discussed that she would take over as my back up OB in case I needed meds or I had a rash or something come up. She informed me she would watch for signs of this baby getting big. If so she would induce me early if needs be. After talking a while she was ready to listen for baby's heart beat. Just before she had her Doppler in her hands, I had blurted out, "I've had 2 nightmares in the past few weeks about loosing his baby & how worried I have been." She assured me that pregnancy does funny things to us & that in a minute I would be reassured. (With that heavenly sound of a horse racing as fast as it could run.)
"M" & "A" sat patiently as the Dr put her magic wand on mommies tummy so we could all hear the baby's heart beat. But after the Dr searched for a minute & No sound, my heart sunk. She kept trying to reassure me that all was still good & that she has been lucky all day with finding heart beats of other babies. So just give her another minute or two to find baby and where it may be hiding. Still, no sound. So she said, let's just get a ultrasound machine in here & see this little peanuts heart beating. "M" now excited that he not only gets to hear his baby siblings heart beat, but see it as well! My heart is racing uncontrollably fast by this point. That sinking feeling like something horrible & life changing is about to derail you from your straight & narrow tracks. Finally an ultrasound machine was located & brought into the room. She finds the baby. She finds its heart. I am looking at a black circle on my baby's chest & I knew I wasn't seeing it move. The Dr try's to pick up its heart beat as she clicks on her machine to give her the feedback. NOTHING. She sincerely looks up at me & tells me that the baby no longer has a heart beat. I am so sorry, she keeps repeating it as I lie there sobbing on the exam table. She tells me she wants another colleague to take a look & make sure. A male Dr comes in & after another 2 minutes of trying to find its heart beat, he too informs me that my baby had passed.
He leaves & I call My husband to let him know the dreaded news. Our sweet baby no longer was alive. I ask him to please come to the hospital to help me with our 2 little boys. I can't do this alone anymore. After my phone call the Dr starts Running down our options. We could:
Option A) wait at home for labor to start & I could have the baby at home. I explained to her that I had had a miscarriage at nearly 12 weeks. But I had unknowingly lost that baby 5-6 weeks earlier but carried it another 5-6 weeks before going into labor on my own, so no thank you. I didn't want to carry another child for a possible extra 5-6 weeks knowing that it had passed. So to scratch that idea. Option B.) have a D & E preformed, which is basically an abortion procedure & there was no way I wanted my baby dismembered & thrown out like yesterday's garbage. So, You can also scratch that Crap off your list. On to Option C).
Option C) I could be induced to have our baby. I would be sent over to Labor & delivery where they would give me Cytotec to dilate my cervix. My baby would have a 50/50 chance at coming out whole & I could hold it. Not my favorite option as I didn't want anything but a healthy baby. I asked if I could go home & let her know by morning. She agreed & off to Radiology I went to have another ultrasound to confirm the diagnosis. I am carrying "A" in my arms & holding "M's" hand tight. He knew what the Drs meant, when they said they couldn't find the baby's heart beat.
It killed me inside to have him there, that he had to hear it first hand. We walked & talked as we headed to Radiology where my husband met up with us. Once called back to the ultrasound room I lied on the table & the tech was cold hearted & quiet. Never saying a word to me other then, "can you hold your breath for a few seconds?" I tried asking her questions. Nothing. Not a single response. When she was finished she left the room to have the radiologist read the scans & came back & said "your good to go. Follow up with your Dr."
Seriously? What the hell just happened? I thought we were gunna get answers. Nope. That was it.
I had called my dear sweet, wonderful friend Laine right after I had called My husband at home earlier. She had planned on meeting up with us just before the ultrasound so her daughter could watch the 2 boys while we did the ultrasound. But unfortunately it didn't go as planned. But she was waiting in the waiting room when we came out. I turned into a heap of sobs as she stood there hugging me. She thought it would be best to find a nice quiet place to sit & talk things through. We eventually found a nice, quiet courtyard off the main building & we sat. Talked. Cried. Talked some more while the little kids ran & played. I asked her questions about my options. She tended to not only my heart but My husband's as well! For the 1st time, My husband was finally grieving the loss of not only this baby but the baby we had previously loss 9 years ago.
A few phone calls later and my dad & 2 of our friends arrived to drive My husband & "M" home because my husband wasn't in a state where he could drive home safely. Laine & I decided it would be best to walk over to Labor & deliver to talk with someone to answer my question before I decided what Option I would go with.
A nurse came out, sat & talked with us. She even shares that she had lost a baby about the same gestational age, years ago. She was polite. Apologetic. She tried her best to answer my questions. Questions about how being induced would go? How long would it take? Would I have rights to my baby's body after I gave birth, since in the state of California a baby isn't technically recognized as a baby until after about 22 weeks. I was 16 weeks. Could we some how reword everything so I could bring my baby's remains home, instead of having my baby thrown out with last weeks gallbladder surgeries junk or other bio hazardous materials. Like a bag of garbage. She informed us that the ONLY way I could have my baby's body would be to have him sent to a morgue but he would only be allowed to be picked up by a Cemetery. He would have to be buried or cremated. I knew we didn't have money for either of those options. My heart sank.
So now my thoughts turn to, well, then I guess I have to go home and wait, for however long it's gunna take before my body recognizes our loss & I give birth at home. Like our 1st early miscarriage. But I knew that the thought of my baby being dead inside me for a month or a month in a half longer would mentally & emotionally kill me. Toiling over what Option I needed to choose. What option would be right for me & my husband? We thanked the nurse for her time & Laine & I sat and cried & talked some more. Then like a light bulb being switched on in her brain, Laine says "Our stake President (we are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) is a Funeral Director. I think you should give him a call & see what you can learn about his services." Night was upon us & Laine had 2 of her little girls with her that needed to get home & fed. So we walked to the parking lot together. And we parted our ways with a huge hug!
I seemed fine as I walked to my van, with "A" in my arms. Tired from all the events of the afternoon. I secure him in his car seat, started the car & drove off. Before I could leave the hospital grounds I was sobbing so terribly hard. My vision blurred in & out & I still have no idea how we made it home safely. But we did. My husband some how showed up home minutes after we did. "S" was at home & asking why I had been crying. "T" hadn't come home from his friends house yet & I didn't want to let them know by themselves. A couple minutes went by & "T" arrived home. I asked my husband if he would break the bad news to the 2 oldest kids. He walked them down the hallway & sat down & told them. All I could hear were their heart wrenching cries and wails echoing from the back room. I knew they would take it hard but I was actually shocked at just how hard they took it.
Red faced, tear streaked-stained, they walked down the hallway to hug me. It was hard. Oh so very, very, very hard. My husband continued to try & comfort our older children as I made difficult phone calls. 1st phone call I put in, was to our stake President. I called his home number & sobbed while trying to leave a message. Then I decided that maybe he was at the Church building office so I called there next. I thought I would get a clerk or someone working in the office. But to my surprise it was our stake President himself! I told him my name & I started to cry. I apologized for not being able to hold myself together. As he continued to try & listen to me in between my cries. I informed him that I was 16 weeks pregnant & that we had just found out that afternoon that our baby had died. I said, "I was wondering since you are a funeral director, if you could answer some questions about prices for a cremation?" Thinking to myself, did you actually just say those words? Cremation for your dead baby. Seriously? He then replies "We can do your baby's cremation & all costs will be absorbed. So no cost to you." In shock, I couldn't believe what I just heard. But when it did, I cried even harder. He told me to write down his cell number & call him "when the process was complete" & he would have everything taken care of by his staff. I asked, but what if I have the baby is born at like 2 or 3 in the morning? He assured me, ANY TIME. So we ended our call & I ran to tell my husband the semi-good news.
He was in my parents room. Talking with them. After they were done talking I asked that my husband & Dad give me a much needed blessing. (It's like a special prayer.) I needed a blessing of peace & comfort to help get me through the next 24 hours. Sleeping that night was a joke. If you call, crying on & off all night, while staring at the clock hoping that some how this was all another horrible, terrible nightmare. "T" had a really hard time sleeping that night as well. He said he kept getting up & crying during the night. And that he just couldn't sleep. I completely knew how he felt.
I called the hospital the next morning around 8am. The advice nurse cheerfully answers my call & starts out with, "I see here that you are expecting. 16 weeks! Congratulations!" I tried to stop her mid sentence but no such luck. My 1st reality blow. I snapped at her, that the baby died yesterday and she sincerely apologizes. I tell her my Dr gave me this number to call to set up my induction. The nurse took a message & sent it to my Dr. She then tells me that someone will be calling me back by no later then 2pm. But if for some reason I didn't hear back from anyone before noon to call her back & she's have it flagged for urgent call back. I thanked her & hung up. About 2 hours go by & a nurse calls me to tell me to come to Labor & Deliver as soon as possible, because this induction process can take any where from a few hours up to 3 days. So sooner would be better. I informed her that I needed to figure out child care from my 4 older children then we would head in.
My brother & sister-in-law had texted that morning offering to take the kids for the day. I had agreed before the hospital had told me to come in. So my brother shows up to pick our kids up. I let him know that between him & my mom, they could work out what to do with my kids. Because of what we had been told, it could take up to 3 days. They agreed. I hugged & kissed my children & sent them on their way, with my brother to his house. I had concerns for "A"because he is very attached to me. Still nursing during the night. But he was excited to go see & play with his cousin!
After our children had left the house, it had an eerie quietness about it. I called Laine to let her know that my husband & I would be heading into the hospital about noon-ish. (You see, Laine is not only my dearest friend. But my doula as well. She was there for my 1st early miscarriage & then was present at "A's"birth!) I needed her there to help me get through this. She let me know that she had an appointment for her son & that she had to do few things at home with her family beforehand. I told her it could take a while to get checked in to a hospital room and started on Cytotec. So we agreed that I would call her when I felt contractions and she would come. After I got off the phone, my husband suggested that I take a shower & then we would head off to the hospital. By the time I finally got in to the shower, I lost it. I started bawling uncontrollably. The hot water felt so good. But no amount of heat could break me of this sadness. Sadness, that this was my last shower, with my baby inside of me. Sadness, that I would never be able to nurse this sweet child of mine either. I eventually got out of the shower, but not happily. As we drug our feet to get ready and out the door. (It's not like with all of our other births, where the excitement is bursting from inside & we wanted to get to the hospital as soon as possible. Just so we could meet our baby.) It was like, if we don't go, maybe it wouldn't be true. Maybe, just maybe our baby this time would be alive.
A quiet ride to the hospital. No music could sooth our aching hearts. No words could out weigh what we both were thinking & dreading. We held hands the whole way & just kept quiet, as to not set the other one off on another crying fit. The 30-45 minute drive to the hospital was seemingly longer then any other time I have driven that route. I swear we hit every light Red. I swear no one was in a hurry to get anywhere, including me. We arrived about 1pm. Checked in & was sent to the Labor & Delivery ward. While waiting to be taken to our room a very pregnant lady strolled on in. I lost it, crying all over again. How UN-fair. I have to give birth to my baby as well. But I don't get the reward at the end like she does. I have to go through all of it. Labor, delivery, deliver the placenta and the hormonal roller coaster. It felt like yet another slap in my face before it all began.
Finally a nurse came to escort us to our room. We weaved through the hallways, past rooms filled with balloons, cards & flowers. We had to pass by rooms filled with JOY, with HOPE, HAPPINESS. We had to pass by rooms filled with laugher & pure bliss. Rooms with life. When we got to our room, the nurse talked a little bit with us. She kept saying how sorry she was for our loss. She then asked me to get into the oh so lovely hospital gown, so when she got back from wherever, she could get started. She said that the Dr wanted to see me before we started as well. He came in & I asked him how it would go. I asked how successful was Cytotec. How many inductions end with a D & E? (Which I didn't want.) he informed me that they normally don't see 16 week-ers and rarely see any one 17 & 18 weeks along either. He said I have a 50/50 chance at having Cytotec work. That I needed to be prepared for having a D & E, but he would allow me to continue on Cytotec up to 3 days as long as I didn't spike a fever. Because fever would indicate that I have an infection. My life is all that matters to them at this point. He left & said that he'd be back a little later after all the paper work was filled out & my I.V. was in.
It took a long grueling hour for the nurse to collect all the paper work we would be needing to fill out before she could even start my I.V. We filled them out & she was searching for a vein to place my I.V. line in. She didn't feel confident enough, so she called the Anesthesiologist in and she even had a hard time finding a vein. She was gunna numb my wrist up 1st but I told her to just get going & on with it already. She had to place it in a weird spot. The side of my wrist where I couldn't comfortably bend my wrist without pain. Oh well. I thought. It is what it is & it's all part of the crappy circumstance. The Dr was called back in & at 3:45pm my 1st dose of Cytotec was inserted. The Dr didn't want me to take it orally, which was opposite of what the nurse had originally told me. So she apologized & said "I guess the Dr wants it vaginally." Great. After about a half hour or so I started having some light cramping. Nothing bad. Just cramps. We were to wait 4 hours before the next dose would be given. I made it through the 1st 4 hours without any major cramping. I was starting to get a little discouraged. So I started praying.
Praying that I needed his help. "I need your help Lord. You have asked so much of me already & I couldn't bare the thought of having to have my baby's body brought into this world by a D & E. I couldn't go through that as well. Please help the Cytotec do what it needed to do. Help my cervix dilate. Give me the strength to get through this whole ordeal." I needed to be carried through this trial. I needed to feel HIS presence.
The 4 hour mark came. With that so did a shift change. Thank The Lord! A new Dr, a woman this time. Came in to give me the next dose of Cytotec. It was now nearing 8pm. She inserted it & I stayed lying down for the full 1 hour after like before. About 9pm I started asking for I.V. pain meds. The cramping had increased & I had already decided before, that because I wasn't worried this time about harming my baby while on pain meds, that I would use them this time. The nurse gave me something & instantly I was feeling better. Sleepy but better. I had turned the T.V. on for My husband. But neither of us really could focus on "watching" anything. I eventually asked him to turn it off. An hour later I asked for the pain meds again. My pain had started returning. I asked the nurse if it was only suppose to last an hour or longer? She said, "No it usually only lasts an hour." Okay, well then, please let me have some more. She happily did so. Another hour came. It was almost 11pm. My meds had worn off & I had gone to the bathroom & just couldn't stop shaking. My body was shaking uncontrollably bad. I got back in bed & the Dr came in. She said "I would like to check you to see if you have dilated before I give you more Cytotec." Sure, go ahead. She checked me & said "you're only a 3." I was happy to hear the news. The Dr seems discouraged. But the nurse told her that that was great news as I had been NOTHING every time before! The Dr started covering me back up with my blanket when I felt a bulge from my vagina. I told them & they quickly uncovered me and saw that it was my bag of waters. The nurse asked the Dr if she wanted a hook to break it. But thankfully the Dr said no. So we waited a couple of minutes to try & let the baby come out without help. Then the Dr said "can you push a little bit for me?" I did & the rest of the sack came out. At 11:15pm, on February 12, 2014, my baby was born. It was a bitter sweet moment.
They placed the baby in the sack, in a bucket. And started to check if my placenta would deliver. But nope. It wasn't ready to come out. They said that that was normal & fine. That they would give me a 4 hour count down & if I hadn't delivered the placenta within that time frame I would have to have a D & C to finish removing it. I asked Nathan to call Laine to come. So he did. After she arrived I decided I wanted to hold my baby.
She suggested that because of how fragile he was due to being born so early that it would be best to hold him in a bucket of water. I agreed. So the nurses filled a bucket with warm water for me & I sat on my bed with the bucket in between my legs. My baby was still inside its amniotic sac. The fluids had slowly started to leak out because it had a small hole in it. So after we got the sack into the water I slowly pulled the sack off. To unveil my baby. I sat holding him in my hands for a while. I asked the nurse, my husband & Laine to all take pictures. I wanted to have pictures. And lots & lots of them. After all, this would be the only pictures of my baby that I would have, to last me until my dying days. I needed a lot of them. After looking over every inch of my precious sweet little baby I decided to look & see if we could tell if it was a girl or a boy. It was definitely a BOY! "A boy!" I said as I started to once again cry. His little hands & feet so tiny & small. But so perfectly made. The fingers all moved, the toes all separated. I could see his tiny ears & nose. He had eyes! A mouth that opened when I gently touched his chin! I sat in Awww over just how perfect he was. I could tell that he had something wrong with his brain. The top of his skull was open & a sac with what I believe was his tiny brain inside. But he was so perfect beyond words that I could care less about that. I didn't need to dwell on that 1 tiny problem. I had my son in my hands & my husband by my side. And I definitely had the spirit of my sweet, sweet precious little boy in my room at that very moment!
The excitement of seeing our son, mixed with the tears & sorrow of how short his life was with us. It was all so overwhelming. I didn't want to stop holding him. I wanted to stay in that moment for as long as I could. I encouraged my husband to hold our tiny son. He did. But I think it was really hard for him. Needed, but hard. I seriously couldn't get over how perfectly tiny everything was. And it was, all perfect! Tiny bones, tiny joints, tiny rib cage, tiny chest plate, tiny nipples (yes, he had titty bitty teeny tiny nipples) and it brought a smile to my face! He was just so perfectly formed, I remember saying "I just can't believe how people can say these sweet little babies aren't HUMAN beings. How can you look at this and say it's just tissue mass?" I just couldn't & still can't understand that.
I have No concept of time at this point. Time just seemed to stand still and at that moment, I could care less. At one point the nurse asked if I was ready to weigh & measure our son. I told her no at 1st, but then after a while longer I was ready. I needed to go pee really badly. So it seemed like a good time to hand him over. The nurse waited for me to finish before she did anything. Which was really kind. He weighed 60grams which comes to 2.12ounces and he was 5 1/2 inches long. We decided to name our son, Harbor Reed Leach!
{On Thursday, February 6th, 2014, we had driven in the pouring rain to another town about 45minutes to an hour away to meet with our Midwife for our 1st official appointment. This would turn out to be the last time we would ever hear Harbors heart beating. It was also my husbands 1st time ever hearing his heart beat. So it's a bitter sweet memory. On our drive home that afternoon we had passed a truck with the name Harbor on it.
I had mentioned the name Harbor a few times before, but this time. This day. For whatever reason, my husband looked at me & said "I like Harbor for a name." I was kind of shocked. I do too, I said back. But that was it for the conversation, as we had already had 2 other names picked out. Coral for a girl & Fin for a boy. But neither seemed right for our son the night he was born. Actually the day I found out Harbor didn't have a heart beat, that night I couldn't sleep. I was crying on & off the whole night. Just unable to wrap my mind around the events of that afternoon/evening. Actually all I could think of for certain was the name Harbor. Harbor, what? I didn't care. When I got up with my kids in the morning I knew my baby's name was going to be Harbor. When my husband got up we clung to each other & sobbed. I whispered in his ear. I want to name our baby Harbor. My husband nodded in agreement. And that was that.}
So now, it's about 3 hours after Harbor was born. It's February 13, 2014 & I still hadn't delivered the placenta. I was getting nervous about the possibility of needing a D & C preformed. I didn't want to have to go through anything else if I didn't need to. I asked my nurse if I could be given Pitocin to see if that would help increase my contractions and help me deliver the placenta. She replied with "I was just talking to another nurse out there and she said that she had a mom get in the shower & that worked for her." I agreed to try it. The nurse said that she'd give me about a half hour & if I didn't deliver it, we would discuss other options. So I stripped down & climbed into the shower. My dear friend Laine sat at the door keeping an eye on me to make sure I didn't pass out or fall down. Just talking with me as I rocked & swayed and did what I could to try and work the placenta out. Nothing. I was really discouraged by this point. Crying & praying to The Lord. "Lord, please, I know you have helped me get this far, with what I've asked of you. Please help me once again to deliver this placenta. You've asked a lot of me today & I just need to have this over with." After my heartfelt prayer, no, plead with The Lord. I had an inspiration to squat. My thoughts said, "what's the best way for a mom to birth a baby? Squat of course." So I grabbed the arm bar in the shower. Squatted down & gave the biggest push I could muster out. And low & behold, the placenta came out. Just like that. And I just threw my head back & thanked The Lord for his tender mercies once again. I was so happy it was over with.
My husband was laying down, exhausted from the whole 2 days of stress & emotions while I was in the shower. He knew Laine would keep a watchful eye over me. He said later that he couldn't fall asleep, until after he heard me say that I had delivered the placenta. He said that was all he remembers because he then fell asleep.
I continued to have some huge blood clots come out after I delivered the placenta. So I felt the most comfortable staying in the shower pushing them out. Laine had called for the nurse to let her know I had finally delivered it and the Dr & nurse came in. We handed it over to them so they could double check it. Making sure that it had all come out. It did! The Dr said that the placenta looked odd. Which is what Laine & I had commented on as well right after I delivered it. It was mis-shappened and had a weird growth on it. We will see if pathology notes anything about it later. I didn't care any more. I just wanted to get dried off & back to my bed. Laine helped me back into bed. We sat & talked for a while, because I told her I had that crazy burst of energy, that a mom normally gets right after giving birth. But instead of being able to sit and enjoy the reward of having my new baby, cuddling, nursing, bonding, getting to know each other and such, I had what felt like an empty room. A room full of sorrow. A room full of tears. What a surreal feeling that was. The worst was when I kept looking over at the baby warming station. That feeling like, my baby is over there. Just waiting for my baby to cry, so I could rush over to his side & scoop him up & comfort him. But nothing. No crying. Just a weird sensation that my baby needed me & there was nothing I could do but sit and do nothing. Wide awake. Just sit & ponder.
Laine needed to get home to her baby that is nursing, so she hugged me & I thanked her for being there with me and she left. I then tried to lay down & sleep. I just laid there starring in disbelief that my son was no longer in utero, but across the room in the baby warming station. Life less. His little tiny body just laid as still as ever. I wanted to go to sleep & wake to find that this was all just some horrible, horrible nightmare. I eventually fell asleep only to wake about an hour later when the shift changed at 7am.
I was introduced to the new nurse on duty and I tried to go back to sleep. I couldn't. I just stared at my baby's lifeless body from across the room. Still hoping that something would be different. My nurse came in shortly after 8:30am with breakfast for both My husband & I. But I couldn't eat much. My stomach kept doing flip-flops. Probably due to all the stress.
We were asked when our son was going to be picked up by the Funeral home. We didn't know. So I had My husband call our stake President once again. We were suppose to meet with him at the Cemetery to sign paper work at 2pm. But the hospital couldn't release Harbor's body to them without us signing paper work that the Funeral Home had and Harbor's body had to be picked up before 11:30am otherwise his body would remain at Kaisers morgue & his body couldn't be claimed until the next morning. I didn't like the idea of his body resting in the morgue. It made me sick. Thankfully our stake President was able to work things out & he and another guy showed up close to 11am at my hospital room.
The room had a quiet hush fall upon it. It was hard to watch as the nurse roughly peeled his lifeless body off his brightly orange colored blanket and placed his little body in a clear plastic sheet. She then placed his little body into a white body bag and zipped it shut. By this time I was burying my face into My husbands chest & just weeping. As the realization that Harbor wasn't coming home with us & that this was the last time I was able to see my sons little body. During this time, there was a song that played over & over again in my mind, as all of this was going on. 'God be with you til we meet again.'
Our sweet Stake President, gently took our sons body from the nurse & he carefully carried our son to whatever car they drove to the hospital in.
It was really hard. I hadn't been prepared for all the events that took place. Actually, I don't think anyone could have prepared me for everything that we had gone through. With our sons body now gone, my focus shifted to us getting out of the hospital as soon as possible. I got dressed as quickly as I could. Packed up our stuff. And asked for a wheel chair because I was feeling a bit tired. We needed to pick up my prescriptions before heading home. So we did. Quickly. Because I just wanted to be home and with my 4 older kids.
We were told that we needed to still show up at the cemetery to sign and finalize the paper work at 2:30pm. We ended up driving to the wrong cemetery clear across town. I guess that's what happens when you haven't gotten that much sleep & your under a ton of emotional stress. Our stake President was understanding & waited for us. We were greeted & escorted to a private room. We talked. Tried to joke a little bit & then it was time to discuss business. We were told again, that all costs would be absorbed. We just needed to fill out & sign forms, mainly to appease the State of California. We were then told to pick out a little tiny Urn to have his remains put into. We agreed on a little blue heart shaped container, that would have his Name & birth/Death date engraved on it. While signing papers it's was a surreal moment to see our sons name across the top of every page. It was a validation to me that he existed & he was real. (Even if the state of California won't recognize him for ever being born.)
When we finished we headed over to my brothers house to pick up our children! "A" was there & was so excited to see me! It was just what my heart needed! We waited for my brother to return from Taekwondo with the 3 oldest kids. Once home, we loaded our crew up & headed home. That evening we sat down with our children & explained what happened. We informed them that there was nothing they could have said or done that would have changed the outcome. We asked them if they wanted to see pictures of Harbor & they all agreed to see his little body. "S" & "T" cried once again. "S"couldn't understand why she didn't get to hold him. It was her baby brother too. I had to explain that mommy & daddy had to make the hard decision for them not to come see & hold him. But that we had tons of pictures that they could look at.
February 19, 2014. It has now been a whole week since Harbor graced us with his sweet spirit & changed our lives forever. This 1st week has been horribly challenging for my husband & I. My milk came in & I was hurting, so I gave into "A's" demands to nurse & that has helped me considerably. My husband & I are grieving on & off. Having a hard time processing how we are feeling. It's confusing & difficult altogether. But I strangely feel closer to My husband then I did before. I rely on him more now.
This is only the beginning of the rest of our lives without our sweet baby boy, Harbor. I pray that we never forget him. I pray that we will all strive to be better people so that we can return to heaven, to be together as a family forever! I pray that we have the strength to continue on in this earthly life & that we live & love to the fullest. I pray that my children all know that I love them dearly! That I would do anything for them. I pray that I can be patient with myself. That I can be patient with my husband. I pray that I can be a source of guidance, of inspiration, of hope and of love to anyone & everyone!
