There is so much going on in my head. It's as if someone has turned on multiple radio stations at the same time. I can't seem to think straight. My focus is so far gone. I just want to be freed from this constant chattering.
At times, I can tune in clearly to 1 single station. When I do, I find:
Negativity. Unkind thoughts. Self doubt. Self worth. To do lists. Complaints. Arguments with myself. Indecisiveness. Questions. Confusion. Anger. Conversations. Soul searching & Why me's.
As you can see, I can't seem to make sense of my own self. So I definitely don't expect anyone else to understand me either.
A friend of mine, keeps thinking I might be upset or angry with her. Afraid that she has hurt my feelings by something she might have done or said.
Truth be told....ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I have hit a wall with the world. I don't want to be around any one. I don't want to talk to any one. I just want to be in a quiet place, undistracted by any one or anything. I want to calm my own thoughts. I want to feel in control of ME, before returning to life & others. Some people might call it Depression & try to force meds down my throat. But honestly, I just need to work through this 1st year, of ALL the 1st (Holidays, due dates, birthdays, etc.) without Harbor here.
Every year my husband takes off to Girls Camp (it's a camp just for the 12-18yr old girls. They do ropes courses, 1st aid, hiking, outdoorsy stuff, etc.) for our church. He helps maintain fire wood, helps where needed, man stuff...you know. So every year while he is gone I take my kids to my Uncles Farm. My absolute favorites' spot in this world. It's remote, calm, laid back, my children run free to explore this world and all it holds, I get to just sit & relax, enjoying my whole week to myself with the great company of my Aunt & Uncle and I am always sad when we have to leave.
It. Is. My. Oasis!
But this year it's different. This year I can't bring myself to go. I just can't.
Don't get me wrong. It's just....I need to remove myself from the world. I need to find myself. I need to tune into each and every station, individually and listen quietly. I then, need to sort it out & work through it.
Cry it out. Yell it out. Write it out. Just figure it out.
I don't want to have to entertain any one or be entertained. I am really hating small talk or chit-chatting. I have been easily frustrated by nonsense. Irritated by loudness. Annoyed by a dirty house & lack of respect. My list can go on.
Can someone please send me away for a major Time-Out? Please!!!
"Duct tape is Silver. But Silence is Golden!"
Now if I could only use Duct tape to silence my thoughts! That would be helpful!
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Saturday, June 7, 2014
No Voice.
I can speak. I can articulate what I have to say quite well for someone whom at 1 point was deemed as a High School delinquent. But when it comes to being able to talk to someone in my own family about how I feel or what is going on in my thoughts...I can't seem to muster out one single word.
Unfortunately, that is the honest truth.
So I will continue to share here, openly, on MY blog.
With that being said. My little sister has been home for a month now, from her 18 month mission, serving for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. She is officially engaged to be married. The date has been set for July 16. As in less then 6 weeks from now. As in about a week before I would have been due with Harbor.
Life is busy and buzzing with Wedding planning and....oh yeah, we are planning on moving out of state before the summer is up as well. So if life wasn't stressful before, now add 2 huge life changing events in the mix as well. Somedays I don't know how I keep my composure. While other days, aren't as composed.
This week has been hard. We have now crossed over the 16 week mark of Harbor's death. He was on Earth growing for 16 weeks and now he has been GONE for just as long...plus a few days.
I have tried to honor him this week by going out and purchasing a window decal that I had specially made just for him! It is feet print with Angel wings and has his name and birthdate on it. Only down fall...I don't have a car to put it on. You see. The car I drive, belongs to my parents and when I mentioned possibly putting it on the back window, my mom, wasn't too happy about the idea.
Disappointment...to say the least.
Back to planning Wedding crap. I have ZERO desire to help with a Wedding. When I got engaged, we were married within 2 weeks. I just wanted it over and done with. I just don't understand all the hoopla over a DAY. Call me crazy. But it is...just another day.
Apparently 8 out of the 9 siblings will be in town for the Wedding. Oh poor pregnant sister if mine that can't make it. Is all I keep hearing. The comment of "Oh poor...(sisters name whom I shall keep nameless) can't come out for the wedding because she is due in September."
I swear if I hear that phrase one more time I am gunna snap. "Oh poor pregnant sister." What's the problem with her being pregnant? I mean...hell. I never once heard "Oh poor Robin, her baby died."
I wish I had an excuse as good enough as that, to miss our baby sisters wedding. There is absolutely NO reason why anyone should be pitty-partying my pregnant sister.
I am extremely bitter this evening just thinking about EVERY sibling being here and wanting to be here for the Wedding and just how alone I have felt after loosing Harbor. No one came out for me. What the freaking hell? I just don't get it. I don't even have support from the 1 person I crave it the most from...MY MOM.
After we found out that Harbor had died, my mom was the 1st person I told. I called home to tell my husband (because we live with my parents) and my mom answered and sensed something was wrong and asked me what was going on. I remember telling her "They can't find a heart beat. They can't find a heart beat." All the while, sobbing uncontrollably hard.
2 weeks after Harbor was born, is when my mom realized we had taken pictures of Him. I was telling her about when my in-laws had come over and how my mother-in-law asked to see pictures of Harbor. She said "How come I haven't seen them?" I replied "because you didn't ask." I feel like....only sharing him with others, if they truly ask and WANT to see them. It's not something I am gunna bring up in a conversation. Like..."Oh my son died. I have 300 pictures of him. Would you like to see them?" If you know about him and would like to see him. Ask!
I have only shared Harbor's pictures with a handful of people. His photos are one of my most precious and sacred treasures.
I am having a hard time with the thought of ALL (minus 1) of my siblings being here in town. Why? Because I want so badly for someone to reach out and just HUG ME. I mean, utterly and truly, HUG ME. As in a heartfelt, I'm here for you. I'm sorry for your loss, kind of hug. Not just the...Hi, I haven't seen you in a couple of years...it's nice to see you, hug.
But I have to keep reminding myself...this time...this get together...it's not about ME. It is about our baby sister that is getting married. That's all.
I know I sound self-absorbed and like a 2 yr old. But right this minute, I really don't care. I AM HURTING AND I feel so alone. I think sometimes, had I held a funeral for Harbor, would have ANYONE even shown up for it? Would siblings, family members or friends show up? I doubt it. That's why I chose NOT too. I wish I would have. I would have held a funeral if it was for ANY other one of my older children. So why didn't I do it for my baby boy?
I am struggling with the fact that we might NOT be able to get pregnant again. That Harbor is, quite possibly our last baby. Since his birth, I have had 2 periods. Super far spaced out. Like 40+ days apart. I have always been 28 days between periods, on the dot, from the moment I started as a teen. Even after EVERY baby. Including our loss of Jamie in 2004. I had Jamie, then had 1 normal period and got pregnant with our daughter. Even after a year of absents due to nursing. From the moment of the 1st period starting back up, it was like....Clock work. Normal. Every 28 days.
From all my internet searching this is NOT normal. I have contacted my OB/GYN and I'm waiting to hear back from them on possibly testing to make sure that I am ovulating and that everything else is as it should be. I am just petrified that something might be wrong and that my body is now out of whack and we won't be able to add to our family. We have always wanted more children. Even while we were pregnant with Harbor we had talked about having more. So internally I am freaking out. I'm sure it's probably some hormonal issue and I'm praying that's the case and that it's an easy fix.
But deep down inside...fear has conquered, raised it's flag and set up camp. I have: Fear of the unknown. Fear of the future. Fear of letting go. Fear of forgetting. Fear of moving forward. Just....FEAR.
I did meet with my therapist this week and she was helpful. I feel horrible that my hour session turned into 1 hour plus 45 extra minutes. Oops! I apologized to her, but she was so sweet and said that it was fine. Thankfully NO one was waiting to be seen after me. Otherwise I would have felt even worse.
She found it interesting that I can OPENLY and honestly share my feelings....My needs.....My wants.....My fears.....My sorrow......My jealousy....My resentments....My thoughts....MY VOICE.
She was trying to help me figure out WHY I can be so expressive and easily share MY journey through our loss on my BLOG.
But...with my family....with my friends...IN PERSON....I freeze up. I am at loss for words. I can't freely share my pain and grief or give an honest answer to the daily question of..."How are you doing?" That automatic response just flows so freely off my tongue..."I'm ok."
I'm NOT ok. Far from it most days. I have just cried for the last hour before writing this post. I have been pretty sad today and after reading the poem below I cried even harder.
Here it is:
"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and tell them about you. But since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?" ~Author Unknown
I hope that in time....I will find my voice and share all that I have endured with those that are willing to listen.
Until then...I will continue writing.
Unfortunately, that is the honest truth.
So I will continue to share here, openly, on MY blog.
With that being said. My little sister has been home for a month now, from her 18 month mission, serving for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. She is officially engaged to be married. The date has been set for July 16. As in less then 6 weeks from now. As in about a week before I would have been due with Harbor.
Life is busy and buzzing with Wedding planning and....oh yeah, we are planning on moving out of state before the summer is up as well. So if life wasn't stressful before, now add 2 huge life changing events in the mix as well. Somedays I don't know how I keep my composure. While other days, aren't as composed.
This week has been hard. We have now crossed over the 16 week mark of Harbor's death. He was on Earth growing for 16 weeks and now he has been GONE for just as long...plus a few days.
I have tried to honor him this week by going out and purchasing a window decal that I had specially made just for him! It is feet print with Angel wings and has his name and birthdate on it. Only down fall...I don't have a car to put it on. You see. The car I drive, belongs to my parents and when I mentioned possibly putting it on the back window, my mom, wasn't too happy about the idea.
Disappointment...to say the least.
Back to planning Wedding crap. I have ZERO desire to help with a Wedding. When I got engaged, we were married within 2 weeks. I just wanted it over and done with. I just don't understand all the hoopla over a DAY. Call me crazy. But it is...just another day.
Apparently 8 out of the 9 siblings will be in town for the Wedding. Oh poor pregnant sister if mine that can't make it. Is all I keep hearing. The comment of "Oh poor...(sisters name whom I shall keep nameless) can't come out for the wedding because she is due in September."
I swear if I hear that phrase one more time I am gunna snap. "Oh poor pregnant sister." What's the problem with her being pregnant? I mean...hell. I never once heard "Oh poor Robin, her baby died."
I wish I had an excuse as good enough as that, to miss our baby sisters wedding. There is absolutely NO reason why anyone should be pitty-partying my pregnant sister.
I am extremely bitter this evening just thinking about EVERY sibling being here and wanting to be here for the Wedding and just how alone I have felt after loosing Harbor. No one came out for me. What the freaking hell? I just don't get it. I don't even have support from the 1 person I crave it the most from...MY MOM.
After we found out that Harbor had died, my mom was the 1st person I told. I called home to tell my husband (because we live with my parents) and my mom answered and sensed something was wrong and asked me what was going on. I remember telling her "They can't find a heart beat. They can't find a heart beat." All the while, sobbing uncontrollably hard.
2 weeks after Harbor was born, is when my mom realized we had taken pictures of Him. I was telling her about when my in-laws had come over and how my mother-in-law asked to see pictures of Harbor. She said "How come I haven't seen them?" I replied "because you didn't ask." I feel like....only sharing him with others, if they truly ask and WANT to see them. It's not something I am gunna bring up in a conversation. Like..."Oh my son died. I have 300 pictures of him. Would you like to see them?" If you know about him and would like to see him. Ask!
I have only shared Harbor's pictures with a handful of people. His photos are one of my most precious and sacred treasures.
I am having a hard time with the thought of ALL (minus 1) of my siblings being here in town. Why? Because I want so badly for someone to reach out and just HUG ME. I mean, utterly and truly, HUG ME. As in a heartfelt, I'm here for you. I'm sorry for your loss, kind of hug. Not just the...Hi, I haven't seen you in a couple of years...it's nice to see you, hug.
But I have to keep reminding myself...this time...this get together...it's not about ME. It is about our baby sister that is getting married. That's all.
I know I sound self-absorbed and like a 2 yr old. But right this minute, I really don't care. I AM HURTING AND I feel so alone. I think sometimes, had I held a funeral for Harbor, would have ANYONE even shown up for it? Would siblings, family members or friends show up? I doubt it. That's why I chose NOT too. I wish I would have. I would have held a funeral if it was for ANY other one of my older children. So why didn't I do it for my baby boy?
I am struggling with the fact that we might NOT be able to get pregnant again. That Harbor is, quite possibly our last baby. Since his birth, I have had 2 periods. Super far spaced out. Like 40+ days apart. I have always been 28 days between periods, on the dot, from the moment I started as a teen. Even after EVERY baby. Including our loss of Jamie in 2004. I had Jamie, then had 1 normal period and got pregnant with our daughter. Even after a year of absents due to nursing. From the moment of the 1st period starting back up, it was like....Clock work. Normal. Every 28 days.
From all my internet searching this is NOT normal. I have contacted my OB/GYN and I'm waiting to hear back from them on possibly testing to make sure that I am ovulating and that everything else is as it should be. I am just petrified that something might be wrong and that my body is now out of whack and we won't be able to add to our family. We have always wanted more children. Even while we were pregnant with Harbor we had talked about having more. So internally I am freaking out. I'm sure it's probably some hormonal issue and I'm praying that's the case and that it's an easy fix.
But deep down inside...fear has conquered, raised it's flag and set up camp. I have: Fear of the unknown. Fear of the future. Fear of letting go. Fear of forgetting. Fear of moving forward. Just....FEAR.
I did meet with my therapist this week and she was helpful. I feel horrible that my hour session turned into 1 hour plus 45 extra minutes. Oops! I apologized to her, but she was so sweet and said that it was fine. Thankfully NO one was waiting to be seen after me. Otherwise I would have felt even worse.
She found it interesting that I can OPENLY and honestly share my feelings....My needs.....My wants.....My fears.....My sorrow......My jealousy....My resentments....My thoughts....MY VOICE.
She was trying to help me figure out WHY I can be so expressive and easily share MY journey through our loss on my BLOG.
But...with my family....with my friends...IN PERSON....I freeze up. I am at loss for words. I can't freely share my pain and grief or give an honest answer to the daily question of..."How are you doing?" That automatic response just flows so freely off my tongue..."I'm ok."
I'm NOT ok. Far from it most days. I have just cried for the last hour before writing this post. I have been pretty sad today and after reading the poem below I cried even harder.
Here it is:
"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and tell them about you. But since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?" ~Author Unknown
I hope that in time....I will find my voice and share all that I have endured with those that are willing to listen.
Until then...I will continue writing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)