Silence is Golden.

There is so much going on in my head. It's as if someone has turned on multiple radio stations at the same time. I can't seem to think straight. My focus is so far gone. I just want to be freed from this constant chattering.

At times, I can tune in clearly to 1 single station. When I do, I find:

Negativity. Unkind thoughts. Self doubt. Self worth. To do lists. Complaints. Arguments with myself. Indecisiveness. Questions. Confusion. Anger. Conversations. Soul searching & Why me's.

As you can see, I can't seem to make sense of my own self. So I definitely don't expect anyone else to understand me either.

A friend of mine, keeps thinking I might be upset or angry with her. Afraid that she has hurt my feelings by something she might have done or said.

Truth be told....ABSOLUTELY NOT.

I have hit a wall with the world. I don't want to be around any one. I don't want to talk to any one. I just want to be in a quiet place, undistracted by any one or anything. I want to calm my own thoughts. I want to feel in control of ME, before returning to life & others. Some people might call it Depression & try to force meds down my throat. But honestly, I just need to work through this 1st year, of ALL the 1st (Holidays, due dates, birthdays, etc.) without Harbor here.

Every year my husband takes off to Girls Camp (it's a camp just for the 12-18yr old girls. They do ropes courses, 1st aid, hiking, outdoorsy stuff, etc.) for our church. He helps maintain fire wood, helps where needed, man stuff...you know. So every year while he is gone I take my kids to my Uncles Farm. My absolute favorites' spot in this world. It's remote, calm, laid back, my children run free to explore this world and all it holds, I get to just sit & relax, enjoying my whole week to myself with the great company of my Aunt & Uncle and I am always sad when we have to leave.

It. Is. My. Oasis!

But this year it's different. This year I can't bring myself to go. I just can't.

Don't get me wrong. It's just....I need to remove myself from the world. I need to find myself. I need to tune into each and every station, individually and listen quietly. I then, need to sort it out & work through it.

Cry it out. Yell it out. Write it out. Just figure it out.

I don't want to have to entertain any one or be entertained. I am really hating small talk or chit-chatting. I have been easily frustrated by nonsense. Irritated by loudness. Annoyed by a dirty house & lack of respect. My list can go on.

Can someone please send me away for a major Time-Out? Please!!!

"Duct tape is Silver. But Silence is Golden!"

Now if I could only use Duct tape to silence my thoughts! That would be helpful!