(http://www.pregnancyafterlosssupport.com/pregnancy-loss-bill-rights/)
1) I have the right to grieve my child or children that have died and/or the previous pregnancies I have lost. I have the right to be sad about my loss(es) during my current pregnancy.
2) I have the right to be scared, anxious and afraid. I already know what it is like to lose. I know how it feels to have the “It will never happen to me” actually happen to me. I have already had the worst happen, and I know it could happen again. Please don’t diminish my reality by diminishing my fears.
3) I have the right to receive support. I need it now more than ever. Especially from my family, friends, other bereaved and PAL moms, mental health providers, and my pregnancy care team.
4) I have the right to seek reassurance from others when needed. I also have the right to turn down reassurance that others give me that I did not ask for and do not want to hear or believe at this time.
5) I have the right to be believed by health care providers. I am the expert on my body, my baby, and this pregnancy, and my concerns should and will be taken seriously. If they are not taken seriously, I can and will find a doctor or midwife who will respect my experience and expertise of knowing myself and listen to my needs.
6) I have the right to plan for and have the birth experience I choose. Be it a at home, hospital, or C-section birth, I have the right to plan and hope for the birth experience that I will find the most healing. I understand firsthand that life doesn’t always go according to plans, but I still have the right to plan for things being different this time.
7) I have the right to not attend baby showers, birthday parties, holidays and any other events that are triggering for me. Declining an invitation to a baby shower during my pregnancy after loss is not self-centered or rude; it’s called self-preservation, which we all have a right to want and enact during our pregnancy after loss.
8) I have the right to feel joy and hope for this new life I carry inside of me. I am free to hope that this child will bring me some sense of healing and joy back into my life.
9) I have the right to NOT be okay. I have been through one of the worst experiences a person can go through; I have lost a child and the mothering of that child. Because of this I have earned the right to not be alright during this pregnancy after loss. If someone has a problem with that, then they might not be someone that can be in my life right now.
10) I have the right to remember my child(ern) that died and/or the previous pregnancy I have lost. Just because I am expecting again does not mean I have stopped grieving all that I have lost.
11) I have the right to celebrate or not celebrate this pregnancy. Pregnancy after loss is hard. It might be the hardest thing I have ever done after losing my child. I have the right to be confused about the dance of joy and grief that continually flows through me as I expect new life while grieving another.
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I really needed to read this right now. To feel validated in this whole process.
This evening Nathan and I took the tour of the hospital that we plan on delivering in. It's a very nice hospital. I was extremely impressed. After having 5 babies in 4 different hospitals we have seen and experienced some crummy care, but also experienced some good care.
The main reasoning for attending this tour was to try to overcome some of our PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) from Harbor's birth and death. The hardest part of our tour was when we were taken into the Labor and Delivery Room. The feelings of such sadness and sorrow filled us both as we faced the baby warmer, once again. You see...the baby warmer has been a memory of joy and happiness before. Drs, nurses and The proud daddy swoon over a screaming, crying, newly born babe. But with Harbor's birth, it was a different experience. It was an eerie silence that filled the delivery room. There were many, many tears. But it wasn't from a newly born babe. The warmer that once held such a joyful memory, is now tainted. Nathan quickly grabbed my hand and squeezed hard. As he looked over at the empty warmer. He was feeling overwhelmed with emotions as we both tried to hold back tears, as not to frighten a room full of expecting couples that joined us on this tour.
I know it seems odd or crazy to some of you, but I couldn't help but mention to Nathan as we later talked on our drive home...I wonder how many, if any of those couples, will end up having a Stillborn baby? How naive these couples were. (I told him.) I wish I could go back to that point in time. Where I didn't have fear. Where I didn't think anything could possibly happen to my baby and ask seemingly "stupid" questions, like..."how soon after I get to the hospital can I have an epidural? Do you ever run out of birthing balls?"
It's so much harder this time around. I have struggled this time around in having faith that this little girl will actually make it here alive. I know I must sound completely insane at times to you. But this is my reality. My life has been altered. My reality that keeps me grounded...I have built a wall around my heart to protect it from the painful reality that babies die before birth. Without reason. Without any warning. At ANY time. At ANY gestation. No one is exempt. And just because we have experienced 2 losses now, doesn't mean we are exempt from it happening again. I am trying to keep it real. Not just to those that are reading this, but for myself as well.
I have a few outfits for this baby. But the excitement isn't fully there. No feelings to prepare. No excitement to run out and buy anything for her. It's so weird. Total night and day from how I have acted in the past for all my other babies/pregnancies.
I mainly just pray...I pray that time will hurry up. That the weeks will fly by. I pray that I will some how muster up enough courage and strength to make it through Harbor's 1st Angelversery in 2 weeks. I pray that, every week at every appointment, we will hear his little sister's heart beating. I pray that my health issues will remain small and not escalate to a state of emergency. I pray that when she comes, my heart can heal enough to open up and embrace this little girl with all my heart and soul. And that Nathan can heal to some degree as well. This hasn't been an easy road. But I am grateful for the friends and family that have been supportive every step of the way.
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