A Year.

Picture this....

Invitations sent out. Party supplies bought. Presents bought. Your 1st birthday outfit carefully made to match the well thought out theme of your party. Candy bought. Cake smash pictures taken! Just snuggling you as the night winds down. Reminiscing about the joyous day you were born.

Tears start to stream as I realize this isn't how my night is going to play out. None of it. Not one single event from above will ever become my reality.

In reality....

I have boughten an Angel Food Cake mix. Blue frosting. A 1st birthday candle. And 24 balloons to release to my dead son in Heaven. No toys for a baby to play with. No big party to celebrate the life Harbor lived. No cutesy outfit for him to wear. No photos to remember this huge milestone. No snuggly babe to soothe this horrible ache.

A year. A whole entire year has past. I can't believe that a year ago Harbor was born earth side. No breathe of life. No joyous moment. No happy visitors.

I am so torn on how to feel. Grateful for the opportunities and lessons on gratitude. Thankful for another opportunity to have another baby on the way. Hurt and depressed because all I want is to hold Harbor, Sing to him and rock him. Sad that life continues on and mine has stalled.

His birth so fresh once again on my mind. Such a dark day that was. Lonely. Isolating. Pain strickening. A day full of prayers. A day full of deep sorrow. A day full of what if's and lots of unknowns.

A day that could break the strongest of the strong. A day that could drive the weak to the deepest depths of despair. A day you would be haunted by for the rest of your life. Scaring even the boldest of monsters in your nightmares.

Tomorrow may be just another day to others. Tomorrow may be JUST February 12th. But not for me.

"Are there birthdays in Heaven?

Do angels blow their horns?

Announcing to everybody, 

that this is the day you were born?

Can the stars be your balloons

And Angel Food your cake?

Presents wrapped in moonbeams 

All the angels helped to make.

Birthdays mean so much to me

They are always a big deal.

Birthday presents, lots of friends

And perhaps a special meal. 

So I will whisper a little prayer today

Asking everyone up above

To sing you a Happy Birthday song

And give you all my love!" 

Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday Harbor! I love you to the moon and back! Until we meet again, my sweet boy.