Inducted into a Secret Club

I have been debating on getting a memorial tattoo.

I know. I know. I know.
I know what your thinking.
Has SHE gone off the deep end?

It has been weighing heavy on my mind lately. I know in our church it's something that seems to be frowned up. We are advised NOT to get them. But I keep feeling like its something I need to do.

I can explain my "needs/wants" for doing so.

I don't have any real tangible thing to cling too. I don't have very many mementos. I can't just show off Harbor's "baby" photos to my friends & family members. Not many people care to see them. I can't just joyously post pictures of him on FB or Instagram. I mean, I would be de-friended in a heart beat. His pictures would probably be banned on FB because they might "offend" someone. I can't just openly talk about him. I mean, which friends do I talk to about him? My pregnant friends or my friends whom just had a healthy baby?

Let's just face it, people don't want to see or hear bad news. They only want to see you when you're at your best. No one wants to see my failures, my faults, my trials, my sorrow. No one wants to see or hear from ME, while I'm un-happy. I know. I have been personally told so.

I have been surprisingly overwhelmed (and not in a good way) with how many people have felt the need to share their pregnancy loss' with me. I am honored they feel comfortable & safe in talking & telling me their stories. Really I am. But it's hard to hear it all the same. So much heart ache. So much sadness. I told my husband tonight, it sort of feels as though I have been inducted into a secret club. A dead baby society or something. (Like Stepford Wives, a cult or something.)

I never asked to be invited in or to join.

I just was.

So back to my needs/wants for a tattoo.

I want Harbor in my arms forever. Since I won't have that in this life. I am trying the best I can to move forward, positively. I want a tattoo of Harbor on my forearm.

Why on the forearm? I have been asked multiple times. Why not on my foot, my shoulder, my back, somewhere it can be hidden?

Well, I will tell you...

Quite frankly, it's because I have to hide everything about Harbor already. Everything that is or was his, is in a tiny box. I don't get to tell people he existed. I don't get to proudly show off my sweet, perfectly formed little boys' baby pictures.

In another month or so (if not, already) people will forget him. People will move on.

And. That. Is. Life.

I want him safely nestled on (in) my arms the rest of my life. I want to find comfort in knowing he will always be with me & I won't ever be able to forget him! I will be able to share with those that ask about my tattoo, that I had another SON!

He lived! But not as long as we had hoped for. His name is Harbor & he was loved! Oh, so very, very LOVED!

My brain is rambling, again. Make it stop.

(I'm gunna keep it real. I have debated about writing something's I may regret later. But who am I. If I don't keep it real? I can't be happy all the time. That wouldn't be right of me. So here it is....ME....in real time. Being human & utterly, real.)

I'm really feeling depressed tonight. Completely overwhelmed & stressed beyond my limits. Rowdy, crazy, loud children...fighting, arguing & crying. All. Day. Long. A tuned out husband, oblivious to anything going on around him. I'm not sure if it's his way of coping today. All I know is it isn't helpful for me. I took 3 of the kids to church by myself while he stayed home "sick." I don't actually believe he had a Headache. I think he stayed up way to late & early morning church just wasn't what he wanted to do...again.

I hate that I have harbored bad feelings from when "M" was a sick baby & I was caring for him in the hospital by myself. All comes to the surface when ever I feel as though I am alone. My husbands way of dealing with our sons illnesses was to mope around the house doing nothing & too worried to care for our 2 older kids. So I would have to arrange childcare for them whenever "M" was hospitalized. He wouldn't even go to work.

I know my husband has come along way since then, but whenever I feel alone &
Like I have to man up and be both parents my hurt feelings from before come out.

I don't mean to be mean, but I am. Regardless of if my husband is truly sick & needs to stay home. I guess it's an issue I need to work through.

But today. I am depressed. I am overwhelmed. I am in need of someone to take care if me. Today has been the 1st time since Harbor's death, that I have even been so overwhelmed that I have had a thought of suicide. It lasted only a couple of minutes but I was aware & snapped out of it quickly. Thank goodness for perspectives.

I, of course, won't openly admit that statement above out loud. But today has been hard for me. Just when I think I have my act together & feel like I can breath & possibly start living again...wham....something creeps in & tears me down. I feel like the worlds worst mother right now. I don't want to interact with my children. I don't want to do anything. Not cooking. Not cleaning. Not getting out of bed. Not get dressed or showered. I don't even want to eat most days. My appetite is not there anymore. I do eat. But not like I did before.

Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........yes, that was me screaming out of frustration.

This is such a lonely path through life. All those people whom you thought were your friends, they have stopped calling, texting, messaging & talking to you. Even your own family members will find it difficult to talk to you, message you, call you, even look you in the face. It sucks. Losing a baby sucks to its fullest. You tend to lose more then your baby.

You. Lose. Yourself.

Little Reminders

Today at church, there were little reminders everywhere.

Reminders of Harbor, in the baby boy I held with "A" during sacrament. How much "A's" love for little babies just astounds me. He begged to hold the baby boy in front of us. The way his little face lit up as we held him. Snuggling & rocking him in his arms. I imagine that that is how it would have been like if Harbor was here! I got choked up just thinking about it.

Reminders of Harbor, in a tiny baby doll that was on the ground in Nursery class. This baby doll was eerily similar to the exact size of Harbor. The Length & head size,  down to its feet & hands. I actually picked it up & held it in my hands just to compare it to what it was like when I held Harbor. It was so close. I mean, even it's weight was so close.

Reminders of Harbor, in the smell of a sweet loving sister that asked me how I was doing. She saw me sitting in Nursery class when she peeked in on her own daughter. She mouthed to me "How are you doing?" To which I answered back to her. She must have felt my heartache because she came in & sat down beside me. She apologized for our loss & informed me that she had lost 5 babies. So she could relate to me to some degree. But what caught my attention, it was her breath. No. It didn't stink. She actually was chewing gum. The same smell that was on Harbors blanket. The same smell that I think of every time I think of Harbor and open his memory box. Harbor's memory box has this same smell that seeped from its contents, onto everything it contains!

I have been having a hard time lately & I just needed/wanted some sort of sign that Harbor is near me. That He is some how aware that I miss him. That I am NOT alone. Today. All these reminders, were just what I needed, to reassure me that I am NOT alone. That The Lord knows my heartache and that He is aware of me during this difficult time.

It's the little reminders that I think are going to help me the most!

Sock it to me

Today is Sunday. Another day to remind me how NOT pregnant I am any more. The day where I torcher myself by attending church with my family. Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is great but it's also horribly difficult when you have lost your baby. Our church has such a great emphasis on the family. I swear there are about 10 other women pregnant or have just given birth to their own little bundles of joy. Church is full of children & babies. Oh how hard this is & can be. Another new family moved in & guess what....the woman is pregnant as well. I feel like it is such a slap in the face every time I turn around. Jealous? Of course I am. I wanted my son. I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to feel him grow & move inside of me. At 16 weeks, I had been feeling Harbor's little fluttering movements occasionally. I was so excited to be experiencing that joyous milestone. But it was all short lived.

At 16 weeks I had boughten clothes for Harbor. 5 new little outfits to be exact. My excitement had been growing as we were getting so close to finding out if Harbor was a boy or a girl. We had 4 more weeks until our ultrasound appt. We hadn't quite decided if we were actually going to find out at that appt or not. I wanted to wait until Harbor was born. Since I was having a home birth, I wanted the gender to be an incentive to push at the end of a long awaited pregnancy. My husband wanted to know before hand. We had found out with all 4 of our other kids. But this time I wanted to be surprised. Well at 16 weeks when I gave birth to Harbor I found out. It was still a surprise but not how I had envisioned finding out.

Too soon. It's all over too soon.