Inducted into a Secret Club

I have been debating on getting a memorial tattoo.

I know. I know. I know.
I know what your thinking.
Has SHE gone off the deep end?

It has been weighing heavy on my mind lately. I know in our church it's something that seems to be frowned up. We are advised NOT to get them. But I keep feeling like its something I need to do.

I can explain my "needs/wants" for doing so.

I don't have any real tangible thing to cling too. I don't have very many mementos. I can't just show off Harbor's "baby" photos to my friends & family members. Not many people care to see them. I can't just joyously post pictures of him on FB or Instagram. I mean, I would be de-friended in a heart beat. His pictures would probably be banned on FB because they might "offend" someone. I can't just openly talk about him. I mean, which friends do I talk to about him? My pregnant friends or my friends whom just had a healthy baby?

Let's just face it, people don't want to see or hear bad news. They only want to see you when you're at your best. No one wants to see my failures, my faults, my trials, my sorrow. No one wants to see or hear from ME, while I'm un-happy. I know. I have been personally told so.

I have been surprisingly overwhelmed (and not in a good way) with how many people have felt the need to share their pregnancy loss' with me. I am honored they feel comfortable & safe in talking & telling me their stories. Really I am. But it's hard to hear it all the same. So much heart ache. So much sadness. I told my husband tonight, it sort of feels as though I have been inducted into a secret club. A dead baby society or something. (Like Stepford Wives, a cult or something.)

I never asked to be invited in or to join.

I just was.

So back to my needs/wants for a tattoo.

I want Harbor in my arms forever. Since I won't have that in this life. I am trying the best I can to move forward, positively. I want a tattoo of Harbor on my forearm.

Why on the forearm? I have been asked multiple times. Why not on my foot, my shoulder, my back, somewhere it can be hidden?

Well, I will tell you...

Quite frankly, it's because I have to hide everything about Harbor already. Everything that is or was his, is in a tiny box. I don't get to tell people he existed. I don't get to proudly show off my sweet, perfectly formed little boys' baby pictures.

In another month or so (if not, already) people will forget him. People will move on.

And. That. Is. Life.

I want him safely nestled on (in) my arms the rest of my life. I want to find comfort in knowing he will always be with me & I won't ever be able to forget him! I will be able to share with those that ask about my tattoo, that I had another SON!

He lived! But not as long as we had hoped for. His name is Harbor & he was loved! Oh, so very, very LOVED!

Breaking Point

There's a reason why I don't openly share my feelings on Facebook. I posted something venting how upset I was from my experience at the hospital this afternoon. Only to receive what felt like a bashing from a "friend" stating the following and (some other things as well): "I do have to say this is going too far. Crap happens in this world to everyone and it sucks."

Basically telling me I need to stop posting stuff that brings everyone down. Um, I'm sorry. If you don't like what I have to say then delete me as a Friend. It's that simple. Or don't look at my posts. Whatever. I don't care. Life isn't all rainbows, butterflies & candy.

I know eventually I will move forward. But this private message was totally out of line. I think 1 or 2 venting posts on Facebook since Harbor was born, isn't going to kill you. But to say it as though every time I'm on the computer, I'm bashing pregnant people or something.

I am thrilled for everyone that is expecting a baby. I have family members whom are expecting. I actually pray that they never have to struggle like I am with the loss of a child. But to be an insensitive jerk like the rest of them, after loosing a baby of your own, I will never understand. Yeah I had a bad day. Yeah I vented publicly. No I don't expect everyone to go out of their way to accommodate me & my grieving heart. No I don't break down every time I see someone pregnant or holding a baby. But today was a lot harder then most days.

Returning to the same place where I was informed Harbor had died, triggered my scabbed over feelings that came pouring out in tears. Your right, crap happens & it sucks. Also, I have every right to openly express how I feel.

Did you know at a point in my life Suicide was all I could think of? Did you know cutting myself was a form of therapy to work through my emotions? I have many scars to prove it. Did you know that I struggling with depression and today's events magnified them? Do you know how hard it is for me to say how I feel let alone share my feelings with ANYONE? Do you know I don't have 1 single friend that I can run too, to truly cry on their shoulder or vent too or just talk/Cry too, like you have. I don't even have siblings that I can talk too. I have 8 siblings & not 1 single one of them have called, wrote or asked me how I was doing? Not even my own mom. Do you know how hard that is?

No. No you didn't. Why? Because you were too busy judging me & telling me that basically that I have no right to say how I feel. I need to suck it up & be grateful for the children I do have. I am grateful for each & every one of my children. But I am also mourning the loss of Harbor & you know what? That's normal & perfectly OK to do so.

So sorry if this reply comes off as hurtful, but your message to me was. Regardless of if you didn't mean too. I have sat here bawling from your hurtful comments.

I am grateful for the Plan of Salvation & I am fully aware of each & every blessing in my life!

Look at the positive you say...positive? That I am here to walk without this 1 child in my life. There is no positive about that at all.

Help others you say...that is all I ever do. I am the 1st person to take a meal or babysit a kid. I visit others all the time. I make things, cook things, give things, give my time. I find joy in help others. But right now, I am alone. I don't have anyone doing, saying or helping me.

Thank you for all the wonderful reminders that I am a horrible person for having a bad day & venting. Sorry if I "took it too far."