One step at a time.

I met with a pregnancy therapist through Kaiser today. It was nice. I wasn't sure what to expect going in for this visit. But was pleasantly surprised with myself as I poured out my heart, feelings & uncertainties to a complete stranger. I guess, sometimes it's easier to do so. Then talking to friends or family members.

I told her about my history with suicidal tendencies & cutting. I told her that I have learned to watch myself & recognize warning signs. I have learned in the past that bottling up my emotions is destructive and that I needed to choose a healthier way to cope this time around. I told her I decided to start a blog (this blog) to work through my emotions & thoughts. That I didn't want to go to that Dark place where I was so many years ago.

14 years ago, cutting was my form of therapy. I felt so empty & removed from my thoughts & emotions. Cutting was my way of feeling alive & reconnected with reality. It was a way for me to feel my inward emotions, in an outward experience. As stupid as that may sound (even to me) that was me, trying it cope. Not good. Not good at all.

This blog allows me the freedom to openly express how I feel, in a healthy way & not have to worry about my feelings being trampled on, by friends & family members that might say hurtful things. Intentional or unintentionally.

I did go on to talking about how Harbor's death has effected my children. How I feel so helpless & confused as how to help myself, let alone my grieving children. She suggested quite a few helpful suggestions:

*Since we home school, have my children journal. Allow them to write or draw anything they want to regarding how they are feeling about the loss of Harbor. They can write to him. Telling him how much they miss him. Or how angry they are that he isn't here. Or how Sad they are feeling, that they didn't get to do something with him or say to him. Or how happy they are that they got to do something. I told my kids that I don't have to ever see any of it. They are free to vent however they choose. If they are feeling extra angry we could even burn, rip or shred the negative journaling papers...TOGETHER. Safely.

*Hold a Memorial type Service. It doesn't have to include any body else but the 6 of us (myself, my husband & the 4 kids). We can pick a day to spend together, get some balloons & write letters to Harbor. And release them to him!

*During the holidays, especially at Christmas time, we can get him a stocking. But fill it with notes to him or notes of what Good things we can do to honor him during the coming year!

*Make something to honor Harbor. This can be a painting or a drawing. Photographs. A scrapbook. Jewelry. A poem. (Something tangible to have to just remember him!)

*Add hints or reminders to family photos to represent Harbor. She told me of a family she is helping that lost a baby too. They use a star in every family picture they take with their other living children. Just something to represent he is apart of our family. No one needs to know what we use. Just honor him in a way that helps us cope. (I personally want to use a blue balloon to honor him.)

After she suggested making jewelry, with his name on it or something like it. She then noticed the necklace I was wearing. I said my friend made it for me. She didn't know what else to do for me while I'm grieving. So she made me this with his name & birth date on it and the therapist was pleasantly excited that I already had a necklace! She then asked if she could take a look at it & she loved that my friend included his birth stone & an angel wing charm on it!

I told her that I had another friend text me one day. Saying she had made something for me. To my surprise it was a painting of a light house & how she had added all of the little details about his birthday, weight & size to the picture. And my favorite part of it being the definition of a "Safe Harbor" written in the waves!

After I told her what some of you have done for me in the last 6 weeks. The therapist was surprised & commented on "How thoughtful & wonderful" my friends are! She informed me that a lot of the women she works with come to her crying all the time because of the lack of compassion & understanding from their friends & family. But that I am lucky to have such wonderful people in my life!

I fully agree!

And I am sorry I haven't Thank'ed each and everyone one of you personally. But I am grateful. More then you might ever realize. I'm grateful for each & every heartfelt note, letter, meal, flower, text, FB message, phone call, prayer, thought, love & light....EVERYTHING! Thank you!

One of these days I will be able to move forward. With your help, love & support! And Right now, I'm taking it...one step at a time. One day at a time. One moment at a time.

Little Reminders

Today at church, there were little reminders everywhere.

Reminders of Harbor, in the baby boy I held with "A" during sacrament. How much "A's" love for little babies just astounds me. He begged to hold the baby boy in front of us. The way his little face lit up as we held him. Snuggling & rocking him in his arms. I imagine that that is how it would have been like if Harbor was here! I got choked up just thinking about it.

Reminders of Harbor, in a tiny baby doll that was on the ground in Nursery class. This baby doll was eerily similar to the exact size of Harbor. The Length & head size,  down to its feet & hands. I actually picked it up & held it in my hands just to compare it to what it was like when I held Harbor. It was so close. I mean, even it's weight was so close.

Reminders of Harbor, in the smell of a sweet loving sister that asked me how I was doing. She saw me sitting in Nursery class when she peeked in on her own daughter. She mouthed to me "How are you doing?" To which I answered back to her. She must have felt my heartache because she came in & sat down beside me. She apologized for our loss & informed me that she had lost 5 babies. So she could relate to me to some degree. But what caught my attention, it was her breath. No. It didn't stink. She actually was chewing gum. The same smell that was on Harbors blanket. The same smell that I think of every time I think of Harbor and open his memory box. Harbor's memory box has this same smell that seeped from its contents, onto everything it contains!

I have been having a hard time lately & I just needed/wanted some sort of sign that Harbor is near me. That He is some how aware that I miss him. That I am NOT alone. Today. All these reminders, were just what I needed, to reassure me that I am NOT alone. That The Lord knows my heartache and that He is aware of me during this difficult time.

It's the little reminders that I think are going to help me the most!

It. Kills. Me.

No one ever prepares you for the roller coaster of emotions grief releases on you after a loss of a child. 

I have lost friends, family members, pets...but nothing can prepare you for this. 

Yes, I have 4 living kids. I'm grateful beyond words! Believe me. But what kills me day in & day out is...all the dreams I had for Harbor as apart of MY everyday life. All the empty clothing, that I had bought in anticipation of his arrival. 

1 outfit I bought was a "My 1st Thanksgiving" onesies. So carefully picked out to be about the right size to fit him at that time frame. 

You want to know what kills me the most? What kills me is that everything of Harbor's fits into a very small wooden box. That's it. Everything of my sons, fits into a small box. I can't fit everything of my older children's in to just 1 small tiny box. 

It. Kills. Me.