One step at a time.

I met with a pregnancy therapist through Kaiser today. It was nice. I wasn't sure what to expect going in for this visit. But was pleasantly surprised with myself as I poured out my heart, feelings & uncertainties to a complete stranger. I guess, sometimes it's easier to do so. Then talking to friends or family members.

I told her about my history with suicidal tendencies & cutting. I told her that I have learned to watch myself & recognize warning signs. I have learned in the past that bottling up my emotions is destructive and that I needed to choose a healthier way to cope this time around. I told her I decided to start a blog (this blog) to work through my emotions & thoughts. That I didn't want to go to that Dark place where I was so many years ago.

14 years ago, cutting was my form of therapy. I felt so empty & removed from my thoughts & emotions. Cutting was my way of feeling alive & reconnected with reality. It was a way for me to feel my inward emotions, in an outward experience. As stupid as that may sound (even to me) that was me, trying it cope. Not good. Not good at all.

This blog allows me the freedom to openly express how I feel, in a healthy way & not have to worry about my feelings being trampled on, by friends & family members that might say hurtful things. Intentional or unintentionally.

I did go on to talking about how Harbor's death has effected my children. How I feel so helpless & confused as how to help myself, let alone my grieving children. She suggested quite a few helpful suggestions:

*Since we home school, have my children journal. Allow them to write or draw anything they want to regarding how they are feeling about the loss of Harbor. They can write to him. Telling him how much they miss him. Or how angry they are that he isn't here. Or how Sad they are feeling, that they didn't get to do something with him or say to him. Or how happy they are that they got to do something. I told my kids that I don't have to ever see any of it. They are free to vent however they choose. If they are feeling extra angry we could even burn, rip or shred the negative journaling papers...TOGETHER. Safely.

*Hold a Memorial type Service. It doesn't have to include any body else but the 6 of us (myself, my husband & the 4 kids). We can pick a day to spend together, get some balloons & write letters to Harbor. And release them to him!

*During the holidays, especially at Christmas time, we can get him a stocking. But fill it with notes to him or notes of what Good things we can do to honor him during the coming year!

*Make something to honor Harbor. This can be a painting or a drawing. Photographs. A scrapbook. Jewelry. A poem. (Something tangible to have to just remember him!)

*Add hints or reminders to family photos to represent Harbor. She told me of a family she is helping that lost a baby too. They use a star in every family picture they take with their other living children. Just something to represent he is apart of our family. No one needs to know what we use. Just honor him in a way that helps us cope. (I personally want to use a blue balloon to honor him.)

After she suggested making jewelry, with his name on it or something like it. She then noticed the necklace I was wearing. I said my friend made it for me. She didn't know what else to do for me while I'm grieving. So she made me this with his name & birth date on it and the therapist was pleasantly excited that I already had a necklace! She then asked if she could take a look at it & she loved that my friend included his birth stone & an angel wing charm on it!

I told her that I had another friend text me one day. Saying she had made something for me. To my surprise it was a painting of a light house & how she had added all of the little details about his birthday, weight & size to the picture. And my favorite part of it being the definition of a "Safe Harbor" written in the waves!

After I told her what some of you have done for me in the last 6 weeks. The therapist was surprised & commented on "How thoughtful & wonderful" my friends are! She informed me that a lot of the women she works with come to her crying all the time because of the lack of compassion & understanding from their friends & family. But that I am lucky to have such wonderful people in my life!

I fully agree!

And I am sorry I haven't Thank'ed each and everyone one of you personally. But I am grateful. More then you might ever realize. I'm grateful for each & every heartfelt note, letter, meal, flower, text, FB message, phone call, prayer, thought, love & light....EVERYTHING! Thank you!

One of these days I will be able to move forward. With your help, love & support! And Right now, I'm taking it...one step at a time. One day at a time. One moment at a time.

A Ticking Time Bomb...

I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb.

My emotions are all over the place. Happy one second, bawling the next, angry in a matter of an unwanted look, stare or comment.

It is so difficult to be happy around pregnant ladies. I have to avoid eye contact, conversations or looks of pitty. I am truly happy for them, but I have lost my innocence & know that tragic endings happen. (No amount of weeks or months can protect you, you are never truly in a "safe-zone.")

So while I am happy for them, I am also praying and almost holding my breath that they don't have a miscarriage-late term miscarriage-stillbirth-infant loss. This broken silent road, echoes the heart wrenching wails of mothers & fathers grieving so heavily, for their lost child(ren) that even demons would be terrified to travel this road.

As I sat this afternoon with a pregnant family member, it was hard. As I listen to complaints of: being Huge, can't move, I want this baby out, dr says he's gunna be big, clothes we got at the baby shower aren't going to fit him at the right season of the year-do you want them?....I had to try and kindly ignore everything going on around me. Not a good way to cope, but how does one react to a situation like that?

My thoughts turned to a little bit of bitterness & jealously.

"I would love nothing more then my son to be kicking the crap out of my bladder."

"This coming Christmas was suppose to have 2 new little baby boys, but now we will only have 1."

"I want my belly to be big and round like hers."

"I miss Harbor."

It just seemed to continue on. I just wanted out of the house & that situation. I kept trying to gesture to my husband that I was ready to go. But I don't think he got the hint, until I was about to burst out, "Quit complaining about your petty, stupid issues. Get over it. Things could be so much worse."

When he was ready I was up & out the door as fast as I could. No good-byes from me. I hurried as fast as I could for the car with children being rounded up as I went.

My mood has been really down since this afternoons visit. On my drive home I started thinking about how I would feel or possibly act when my family member gives birth this week to her son.

I might possibly hold him & just bawl with joy & sorrow and not want to give him back. I might be just fine. I might just be a ticking time bomb of emotions. I hope my family members will be ready & Okay with however the whole ordeal goes down.

Because if NOT....Bbbbbboooooooooommmmmm!

I. Might. Just. Detonate.

Inducted into a Secret Club

I have been debating on getting a memorial tattoo.

I know. I know. I know.
I know what your thinking.
Has SHE gone off the deep end?

It has been weighing heavy on my mind lately. I know in our church it's something that seems to be frowned up. We are advised NOT to get them. But I keep feeling like its something I need to do.

I can explain my "needs/wants" for doing so.

I don't have any real tangible thing to cling too. I don't have very many mementos. I can't just show off Harbor's "baby" photos to my friends & family members. Not many people care to see them. I can't just joyously post pictures of him on FB or Instagram. I mean, I would be de-friended in a heart beat. His pictures would probably be banned on FB because they might "offend" someone. I can't just openly talk about him. I mean, which friends do I talk to about him? My pregnant friends or my friends whom just had a healthy baby?

Let's just face it, people don't want to see or hear bad news. They only want to see you when you're at your best. No one wants to see my failures, my faults, my trials, my sorrow. No one wants to see or hear from ME, while I'm un-happy. I know. I have been personally told so.

I have been surprisingly overwhelmed (and not in a good way) with how many people have felt the need to share their pregnancy loss' with me. I am honored they feel comfortable & safe in talking & telling me their stories. Really I am. But it's hard to hear it all the same. So much heart ache. So much sadness. I told my husband tonight, it sort of feels as though I have been inducted into a secret club. A dead baby society or something. (Like Stepford Wives, a cult or something.)

I never asked to be invited in or to join.

I just was.

So back to my needs/wants for a tattoo.

I want Harbor in my arms forever. Since I won't have that in this life. I am trying the best I can to move forward, positively. I want a tattoo of Harbor on my forearm.

Why on the forearm? I have been asked multiple times. Why not on my foot, my shoulder, my back, somewhere it can be hidden?

Well, I will tell you...

Quite frankly, it's because I have to hide everything about Harbor already. Everything that is or was his, is in a tiny box. I don't get to tell people he existed. I don't get to proudly show off my sweet, perfectly formed little boys' baby pictures.

In another month or so (if not, already) people will forget him. People will move on.

And. That. Is. Life.

I want him safely nestled on (in) my arms the rest of my life. I want to find comfort in knowing he will always be with me & I won't ever be able to forget him! I will be able to share with those that ask about my tattoo, that I had another SON!

He lived! But not as long as we had hoped for. His name is Harbor & he was loved! Oh, so very, very LOVED!

Stop and take it all in.

I had to stop myself the other night, while at Target. I was out shopping with 3 of my kids, when right by the milk refrigerator, a pregnant lady (she had to be about 6-7 months pregnant) stops. She turns to her husband & kind of half joking/annoyed says "what are you doing?" He was obviously taking in her beauty! He was snapping a picture of her adorable pregnant belly! They were purchasing a car seat/stroller combo. It was the only thing in their cart. The husband was grinning ear to ear. He had Such love! Such amazement, bursting from within him! It was apparent he was thrilled! But the poor woman wasn't amused. For a split moment, I paused. I debated on running over to her & saying what was truly in my heart.

"Hey pretty momma. Just pause for a moment. Bask in this glory. Truly take it all in. Truly thank god for this sweet baby you have inside of you, that is probably kicking your bladder like a punching bag. Smile. Give in to your husbands excitement & just let him take your picture! You will be so thankful you did when this is all over. You will be thankful that you have that precious memory on file to look back on. Don't take single second for granite. That baby just might not make it 'til it's birthday, breathing. Your life can be altered. Derailed. In a matter of a split second. Take it all in. Let that baby know & feel just how much you & your husband LOVE him or her! Slow down. Time will surely fly by."

I literally wanted to run up to the lady & just make her realize (if she didn't already) that what she's carrying is truly a miracle!

But after my long pause to watch these two interact, I felt a bit jealous & had to leave before I ruined their moment together. As I hurried away I could feel the tears swelling in my eyes. My pain & heart ache came rushing back to me as fresh as the day when I found out Harbor's heart was no longer beating.

Since that night, I have been in a bad mood. Unable to pinpoint, until this evening, why.  I hate feeling like a nut case. I am so thankful for friends, family members & other people that are pregnant, really I am. I just wish that I was still pregnant too. I wish things hadn't gone the way they did. I wish that I never had to know such sorrow.