One step at a time.

I met with a pregnancy therapist through Kaiser today. It was nice. I wasn't sure what to expect going in for this visit. But was pleasantly surprised with myself as I poured out my heart, feelings & uncertainties to a complete stranger. I guess, sometimes it's easier to do so. Then talking to friends or family members.

I told her about my history with suicidal tendencies & cutting. I told her that I have learned to watch myself & recognize warning signs. I have learned in the past that bottling up my emotions is destructive and that I needed to choose a healthier way to cope this time around. I told her I decided to start a blog (this blog) to work through my emotions & thoughts. That I didn't want to go to that Dark place where I was so many years ago.

14 years ago, cutting was my form of therapy. I felt so empty & removed from my thoughts & emotions. Cutting was my way of feeling alive & reconnected with reality. It was a way for me to feel my inward emotions, in an outward experience. As stupid as that may sound (even to me) that was me, trying it cope. Not good. Not good at all.

This blog allows me the freedom to openly express how I feel, in a healthy way & not have to worry about my feelings being trampled on, by friends & family members that might say hurtful things. Intentional or unintentionally.

I did go on to talking about how Harbor's death has effected my children. How I feel so helpless & confused as how to help myself, let alone my grieving children. She suggested quite a few helpful suggestions:

*Since we home school, have my children journal. Allow them to write or draw anything they want to regarding how they are feeling about the loss of Harbor. They can write to him. Telling him how much they miss him. Or how angry they are that he isn't here. Or how Sad they are feeling, that they didn't get to do something with him or say to him. Or how happy they are that they got to do something. I told my kids that I don't have to ever see any of it. They are free to vent however they choose. If they are feeling extra angry we could even burn, rip or shred the negative journaling papers...TOGETHER. Safely.

*Hold a Memorial type Service. It doesn't have to include any body else but the 6 of us (myself, my husband & the 4 kids). We can pick a day to spend together, get some balloons & write letters to Harbor. And release them to him!

*During the holidays, especially at Christmas time, we can get him a stocking. But fill it with notes to him or notes of what Good things we can do to honor him during the coming year!

*Make something to honor Harbor. This can be a painting or a drawing. Photographs. A scrapbook. Jewelry. A poem. (Something tangible to have to just remember him!)

*Add hints or reminders to family photos to represent Harbor. She told me of a family she is helping that lost a baby too. They use a star in every family picture they take with their other living children. Just something to represent he is apart of our family. No one needs to know what we use. Just honor him in a way that helps us cope. (I personally want to use a blue balloon to honor him.)

After she suggested making jewelry, with his name on it or something like it. She then noticed the necklace I was wearing. I said my friend made it for me. She didn't know what else to do for me while I'm grieving. So she made me this with his name & birth date on it and the therapist was pleasantly excited that I already had a necklace! She then asked if she could take a look at it & she loved that my friend included his birth stone & an angel wing charm on it!

I told her that I had another friend text me one day. Saying she had made something for me. To my surprise it was a painting of a light house & how she had added all of the little details about his birthday, weight & size to the picture. And my favorite part of it being the definition of a "Safe Harbor" written in the waves!

After I told her what some of you have done for me in the last 6 weeks. The therapist was surprised & commented on "How thoughtful & wonderful" my friends are! She informed me that a lot of the women she works with come to her crying all the time because of the lack of compassion & understanding from their friends & family. But that I am lucky to have such wonderful people in my life!

I fully agree!

And I am sorry I haven't Thank'ed each and everyone one of you personally. But I am grateful. More then you might ever realize. I'm grateful for each & every heartfelt note, letter, meal, flower, text, FB message, phone call, prayer, thought, love & light....EVERYTHING! Thank you!

One of these days I will be able to move forward. With your help, love & support! And Right now, I'm taking it...one step at a time. One day at a time. One moment at a time.

My brain is rambling, again. Make it stop.

(I'm gunna keep it real. I have debated about writing something's I may regret later. But who am I. If I don't keep it real? I can't be happy all the time. That wouldn't be right of me. So here it is....ME....in real time. Being human & utterly, real.)

I'm really feeling depressed tonight. Completely overwhelmed & stressed beyond my limits. Rowdy, crazy, loud children...fighting, arguing & crying. All. Day. Long. A tuned out husband, oblivious to anything going on around him. I'm not sure if it's his way of coping today. All I know is it isn't helpful for me. I took 3 of the kids to church by myself while he stayed home "sick." I don't actually believe he had a Headache. I think he stayed up way to late & early morning church just wasn't what he wanted to do...again.

I hate that I have harbored bad feelings from when "M" was a sick baby & I was caring for him in the hospital by myself. All comes to the surface when ever I feel as though I am alone. My husbands way of dealing with our sons illnesses was to mope around the house doing nothing & too worried to care for our 2 older kids. So I would have to arrange childcare for them whenever "M" was hospitalized. He wouldn't even go to work.

I know my husband has come along way since then, but whenever I feel alone &
Like I have to man up and be both parents my hurt feelings from before come out.

I don't mean to be mean, but I am. Regardless of if my husband is truly sick & needs to stay home. I guess it's an issue I need to work through.

But today. I am depressed. I am overwhelmed. I am in need of someone to take care if me. Today has been the 1st time since Harbor's death, that I have even been so overwhelmed that I have had a thought of suicide. It lasted only a couple of minutes but I was aware & snapped out of it quickly. Thank goodness for perspectives.

I, of course, won't openly admit that statement above out loud. But today has been hard for me. Just when I think I have my act together & feel like I can breath & possibly start living again...wham....something creeps in & tears me down. I feel like the worlds worst mother right now. I don't want to interact with my children. I don't want to do anything. Not cooking. Not cleaning. Not getting out of bed. Not get dressed or showered. I don't even want to eat most days. My appetite is not there anymore. I do eat. But not like I did before.

Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........yes, that was me screaming out of frustration.

This is such a lonely path through life. All those people whom you thought were your friends, they have stopped calling, texting, messaging & talking to you. Even your own family members will find it difficult to talk to you, message you, call you, even look you in the face. It sucks. Losing a baby sucks to its fullest. You tend to lose more then your baby.

You. Lose. Yourself.

Breaking Point

There's a reason why I don't openly share my feelings on Facebook. I posted something venting how upset I was from my experience at the hospital this afternoon. Only to receive what felt like a bashing from a "friend" stating the following and (some other things as well): "I do have to say this is going too far. Crap happens in this world to everyone and it sucks."

Basically telling me I need to stop posting stuff that brings everyone down. Um, I'm sorry. If you don't like what I have to say then delete me as a Friend. It's that simple. Or don't look at my posts. Whatever. I don't care. Life isn't all rainbows, butterflies & candy.

I know eventually I will move forward. But this private message was totally out of line. I think 1 or 2 venting posts on Facebook since Harbor was born, isn't going to kill you. But to say it as though every time I'm on the computer, I'm bashing pregnant people or something.

I am thrilled for everyone that is expecting a baby. I have family members whom are expecting. I actually pray that they never have to struggle like I am with the loss of a child. But to be an insensitive jerk like the rest of them, after loosing a baby of your own, I will never understand. Yeah I had a bad day. Yeah I vented publicly. No I don't expect everyone to go out of their way to accommodate me & my grieving heart. No I don't break down every time I see someone pregnant or holding a baby. But today was a lot harder then most days.

Returning to the same place where I was informed Harbor had died, triggered my scabbed over feelings that came pouring out in tears. Your right, crap happens & it sucks. Also, I have every right to openly express how I feel.

Did you know at a point in my life Suicide was all I could think of? Did you know cutting myself was a form of therapy to work through my emotions? I have many scars to prove it. Did you know that I struggling with depression and today's events magnified them? Do you know how hard it is for me to say how I feel let alone share my feelings with ANYONE? Do you know I don't have 1 single friend that I can run too, to truly cry on their shoulder or vent too or just talk/Cry too, like you have. I don't even have siblings that I can talk too. I have 8 siblings & not 1 single one of them have called, wrote or asked me how I was doing? Not even my own mom. Do you know how hard that is?

No. No you didn't. Why? Because you were too busy judging me & telling me that basically that I have no right to say how I feel. I need to suck it up & be grateful for the children I do have. I am grateful for each & every one of my children. But I am also mourning the loss of Harbor & you know what? That's normal & perfectly OK to do so.

So sorry if this reply comes off as hurtful, but your message to me was. Regardless of if you didn't mean too. I have sat here bawling from your hurtful comments.

I am grateful for the Plan of Salvation & I am fully aware of each & every blessing in my life!

Look at the positive you say...positive? That I am here to walk without this 1 child in my life. There is no positive about that at all.

Help others you say...that is all I ever do. I am the 1st person to take a meal or babysit a kid. I visit others all the time. I make things, cook things, give things, give my time. I find joy in help others. But right now, I am alone. I don't have anyone doing, saying or helping me.

Thank you for all the wonderful reminders that I am a horrible person for having a bad day & venting. Sorry if I "took it too far."

SALT

I can NOT be the 1st person to lose a baby while pregnant with them. In fact I KNOW I'm not. I can NOT be the 1st person to have to go to the OB's office after a loss either.

I am really upset with how things were handled. I am saddened, hurt & angry at the lack of sensitivity towards women whom have just lost their babies.

Let me help you understand: my heart is aching so very badly because I will never get to hold, cuddle or look at my son ever again. You see, he died when I was 16 weeks pregnant with him.

Now if you can imagine my pain & sorrow. Truly imagine it. Now imagine 4 weeks after loosing your son, you have to go to the waiting room office of FULL of pregnant happy women. You go to check in while trying to hold back tears. The receptionist is pregnant. She informs you that because YOU are NO longer pregnant you have a $45 co-pay for your office visit. You are also going to be seen by some random Dr because yours is out sick...again. But no one informed you ahead of time so that you could have made the decision before hand to be seen by a stranger or wait until your Dr is back. You are then told to go sit & wait in that same waiting room with ALL those pregnant women. You sit & try not to bawl your eyes out while waiting to be called back to be seen.

Now I want to know, if 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage or a loss, then why the heck isn't there more sensitivity towards those women? Why isn't there a special office or waiting room we could be sent too so we aren't faced with the reality once again that our babies are no longer with us. Instead we are forced to sit with other pregnant women. Now, Let's just POUR SALT into their open wounds. Let's just make matters worse for that mom whom might be contemplating suicide so the heartache will just end. Let's just allow her to suffer in silence.

I don't want to feel alone any more. I don't want to be mistreated by insensitive personnel any more. I don't feel it's right. Women need to be informed that there is a high chance that their baby might not make it to full term or even if it does, that it doesn't guarantee a happy, healthy baby in the end.

I left my appointment this morning, MORE depressed. MORE hurt. MORE angry. MORE disappointed. Moms shouldn't have to leave their appointments feeling this way. The medical field is lacking in empathy. It's lacking in the ability to truly help their patients when they need it the most. I hope my words will be taken into account. Things need to be changed. Especially in regards to women after a loss.

ANTICIPATION

The anticipation is killing me. Today is the 1st time my husband & I get to go to our support group meeting for parents of babies whom have passed.

I suppose I am nervous about what is going to happen. How I am going to feel? How is my husband going to feel? Is it going to be helpful for the BOTH of us? Is this meeting going to stir up feelings I have been trying to push aside & not deal with? Am I going to be a big blubbering idiot that whole time?

All I know is that feeling depressed isn't how I want to keep living. I can't keep doing/acting the way I have been. My lack of interest in anything & everything isn't okay. I have 4 other kids to: teach, love, take care of, nurture, inspire, etc. I can't just give up.

Oh how easy it would be to just give up. I have struggled with depression almost all my life. As a teenager I actually attempted suicide on numerous occasions. At 1 point I was in a mental hospital for a month due to repeated, unsuccessful, suicidal attempts. I was really depressed then, a lot like I am now. But thankfully I have learned the coping skills I need to make sure that I don't get to that point again. It is a daily choice I have to make & Some days are definitely harder then others.

Harbor's death has been challenging to not repeat my past behaviors. I want to be happy, healthy and productive in my life! I do. I really do. But it is hard to continue on in life, when you feel as though part of you died, the same time your baby did. It's a constant battle between Heaven & Earth. I would miss out on everything my 4 older child do, say or go through, here on Earth. But I am also missing out on so much as well without Harbor here too.

The anticipation is killing. The anticipation of waiting to leave this Earthly world so I can snuggle my little boy. To see him happy, healthy & smiling! To have him cuddle my neck with his little arms! To hear him say "Momma!" Or anything thing for that matter! To see what color is hair would be or his eyes! Would he have his Momma's eyes, bright & blue as the oceans water? Or would he be our 1st baby to have his Daddy's deep Honey brown eyes, that I love so very much?

Today....the anticipation of everything, is eating at my very existence.