One step at a time.

I met with a pregnancy therapist through Kaiser today. It was nice. I wasn't sure what to expect going in for this visit. But was pleasantly surprised with myself as I poured out my heart, feelings & uncertainties to a complete stranger. I guess, sometimes it's easier to do so. Then talking to friends or family members.

I told her about my history with suicidal tendencies & cutting. I told her that I have learned to watch myself & recognize warning signs. I have learned in the past that bottling up my emotions is destructive and that I needed to choose a healthier way to cope this time around. I told her I decided to start a blog (this blog) to work through my emotions & thoughts. That I didn't want to go to that Dark place where I was so many years ago.

14 years ago, cutting was my form of therapy. I felt so empty & removed from my thoughts & emotions. Cutting was my way of feeling alive & reconnected with reality. It was a way for me to feel my inward emotions, in an outward experience. As stupid as that may sound (even to me) that was me, trying it cope. Not good. Not good at all.

This blog allows me the freedom to openly express how I feel, in a healthy way & not have to worry about my feelings being trampled on, by friends & family members that might say hurtful things. Intentional or unintentionally.

I did go on to talking about how Harbor's death has effected my children. How I feel so helpless & confused as how to help myself, let alone my grieving children. She suggested quite a few helpful suggestions:

*Since we home school, have my children journal. Allow them to write or draw anything they want to regarding how they are feeling about the loss of Harbor. They can write to him. Telling him how much they miss him. Or how angry they are that he isn't here. Or how Sad they are feeling, that they didn't get to do something with him or say to him. Or how happy they are that they got to do something. I told my kids that I don't have to ever see any of it. They are free to vent however they choose. If they are feeling extra angry we could even burn, rip or shred the negative journaling papers...TOGETHER. Safely.

*Hold a Memorial type Service. It doesn't have to include any body else but the 6 of us (myself, my husband & the 4 kids). We can pick a day to spend together, get some balloons & write letters to Harbor. And release them to him!

*During the holidays, especially at Christmas time, we can get him a stocking. But fill it with notes to him or notes of what Good things we can do to honor him during the coming year!

*Make something to honor Harbor. This can be a painting or a drawing. Photographs. A scrapbook. Jewelry. A poem. (Something tangible to have to just remember him!)

*Add hints or reminders to family photos to represent Harbor. She told me of a family she is helping that lost a baby too. They use a star in every family picture they take with their other living children. Just something to represent he is apart of our family. No one needs to know what we use. Just honor him in a way that helps us cope. (I personally want to use a blue balloon to honor him.)

After she suggested making jewelry, with his name on it or something like it. She then noticed the necklace I was wearing. I said my friend made it for me. She didn't know what else to do for me while I'm grieving. So she made me this with his name & birth date on it and the therapist was pleasantly excited that I already had a necklace! She then asked if she could take a look at it & she loved that my friend included his birth stone & an angel wing charm on it!

I told her that I had another friend text me one day. Saying she had made something for me. To my surprise it was a painting of a light house & how she had added all of the little details about his birthday, weight & size to the picture. And my favorite part of it being the definition of a "Safe Harbor" written in the waves!

After I told her what some of you have done for me in the last 6 weeks. The therapist was surprised & commented on "How thoughtful & wonderful" my friends are! She informed me that a lot of the women she works with come to her crying all the time because of the lack of compassion & understanding from their friends & family. But that I am lucky to have such wonderful people in my life!

I fully agree!

And I am sorry I haven't Thank'ed each and everyone one of you personally. But I am grateful. More then you might ever realize. I'm grateful for each & every heartfelt note, letter, meal, flower, text, FB message, phone call, prayer, thought, love & light....EVERYTHING! Thank you!

One of these days I will be able to move forward. With your help, love & support! And Right now, I'm taking it...one step at a time. One day at a time. One moment at a time.

A Ticking Time Bomb...

I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb.

My emotions are all over the place. Happy one second, bawling the next, angry in a matter of an unwanted look, stare or comment.

It is so difficult to be happy around pregnant ladies. I have to avoid eye contact, conversations or looks of pitty. I am truly happy for them, but I have lost my innocence & know that tragic endings happen. (No amount of weeks or months can protect you, you are never truly in a "safe-zone.")

So while I am happy for them, I am also praying and almost holding my breath that they don't have a miscarriage-late term miscarriage-stillbirth-infant loss. This broken silent road, echoes the heart wrenching wails of mothers & fathers grieving so heavily, for their lost child(ren) that even demons would be terrified to travel this road.

As I sat this afternoon with a pregnant family member, it was hard. As I listen to complaints of: being Huge, can't move, I want this baby out, dr says he's gunna be big, clothes we got at the baby shower aren't going to fit him at the right season of the year-do you want them?....I had to try and kindly ignore everything going on around me. Not a good way to cope, but how does one react to a situation like that?

My thoughts turned to a little bit of bitterness & jealously.

"I would love nothing more then my son to be kicking the crap out of my bladder."

"This coming Christmas was suppose to have 2 new little baby boys, but now we will only have 1."

"I want my belly to be big and round like hers."

"I miss Harbor."

It just seemed to continue on. I just wanted out of the house & that situation. I kept trying to gesture to my husband that I was ready to go. But I don't think he got the hint, until I was about to burst out, "Quit complaining about your petty, stupid issues. Get over it. Things could be so much worse."

When he was ready I was up & out the door as fast as I could. No good-byes from me. I hurried as fast as I could for the car with children being rounded up as I went.

My mood has been really down since this afternoons visit. On my drive home I started thinking about how I would feel or possibly act when my family member gives birth this week to her son.

I might possibly hold him & just bawl with joy & sorrow and not want to give him back. I might be just fine. I might just be a ticking time bomb of emotions. I hope my family members will be ready & Okay with however the whole ordeal goes down.

Because if NOT....Bbbbbboooooooooommmmmm!

I. Might. Just. Detonate.

Stop and take it all in.

I had to stop myself the other night, while at Target. I was out shopping with 3 of my kids, when right by the milk refrigerator, a pregnant lady (she had to be about 6-7 months pregnant) stops. She turns to her husband & kind of half joking/annoyed says "what are you doing?" He was obviously taking in her beauty! He was snapping a picture of her adorable pregnant belly! They were purchasing a car seat/stroller combo. It was the only thing in their cart. The husband was grinning ear to ear. He had Such love! Such amazement, bursting from within him! It was apparent he was thrilled! But the poor woman wasn't amused. For a split moment, I paused. I debated on running over to her & saying what was truly in my heart.

"Hey pretty momma. Just pause for a moment. Bask in this glory. Truly take it all in. Truly thank god for this sweet baby you have inside of you, that is probably kicking your bladder like a punching bag. Smile. Give in to your husbands excitement & just let him take your picture! You will be so thankful you did when this is all over. You will be thankful that you have that precious memory on file to look back on. Don't take single second for granite. That baby just might not make it 'til it's birthday, breathing. Your life can be altered. Derailed. In a matter of a split second. Take it all in. Let that baby know & feel just how much you & your husband LOVE him or her! Slow down. Time will surely fly by."

I literally wanted to run up to the lady & just make her realize (if she didn't already) that what she's carrying is truly a miracle!

But after my long pause to watch these two interact, I felt a bit jealous & had to leave before I ruined their moment together. As I hurried away I could feel the tears swelling in my eyes. My pain & heart ache came rushing back to me as fresh as the day when I found out Harbor's heart was no longer beating.

Since that night, I have been in a bad mood. Unable to pinpoint, until this evening, why.  I hate feeling like a nut case. I am so thankful for friends, family members & other people that are pregnant, really I am. I just wish that I was still pregnant too. I wish things hadn't gone the way they did. I wish that I never had to know such sorrow.

My brain is rambling, again. Make it stop.

(I'm gunna keep it real. I have debated about writing something's I may regret later. But who am I. If I don't keep it real? I can't be happy all the time. That wouldn't be right of me. So here it is....ME....in real time. Being human & utterly, real.)

I'm really feeling depressed tonight. Completely overwhelmed & stressed beyond my limits. Rowdy, crazy, loud children...fighting, arguing & crying. All. Day. Long. A tuned out husband, oblivious to anything going on around him. I'm not sure if it's his way of coping today. All I know is it isn't helpful for me. I took 3 of the kids to church by myself while he stayed home "sick." I don't actually believe he had a Headache. I think he stayed up way to late & early morning church just wasn't what he wanted to do...again.

I hate that I have harbored bad feelings from when "M" was a sick baby & I was caring for him in the hospital by myself. All comes to the surface when ever I feel as though I am alone. My husbands way of dealing with our sons illnesses was to mope around the house doing nothing & too worried to care for our 2 older kids. So I would have to arrange childcare for them whenever "M" was hospitalized. He wouldn't even go to work.

I know my husband has come along way since then, but whenever I feel alone &
Like I have to man up and be both parents my hurt feelings from before come out.

I don't mean to be mean, but I am. Regardless of if my husband is truly sick & needs to stay home. I guess it's an issue I need to work through.

But today. I am depressed. I am overwhelmed. I am in need of someone to take care if me. Today has been the 1st time since Harbor's death, that I have even been so overwhelmed that I have had a thought of suicide. It lasted only a couple of minutes but I was aware & snapped out of it quickly. Thank goodness for perspectives.

I, of course, won't openly admit that statement above out loud. But today has been hard for me. Just when I think I have my act together & feel like I can breath & possibly start living again...wham....something creeps in & tears me down. I feel like the worlds worst mother right now. I don't want to interact with my children. I don't want to do anything. Not cooking. Not cleaning. Not getting out of bed. Not get dressed or showered. I don't even want to eat most days. My appetite is not there anymore. I do eat. But not like I did before.

Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........yes, that was me screaming out of frustration.

This is such a lonely path through life. All those people whom you thought were your friends, they have stopped calling, texting, messaging & talking to you. Even your own family members will find it difficult to talk to you, message you, call you, even look you in the face. It sucks. Losing a baby sucks to its fullest. You tend to lose more then your baby.

You. Lose. Yourself.

Little Reminders

Today at church, there were little reminders everywhere.

Reminders of Harbor, in the baby boy I held with "A" during sacrament. How much "A's" love for little babies just astounds me. He begged to hold the baby boy in front of us. The way his little face lit up as we held him. Snuggling & rocking him in his arms. I imagine that that is how it would have been like if Harbor was here! I got choked up just thinking about it.

Reminders of Harbor, in a tiny baby doll that was on the ground in Nursery class. This baby doll was eerily similar to the exact size of Harbor. The Length & head size,  down to its feet & hands. I actually picked it up & held it in my hands just to compare it to what it was like when I held Harbor. It was so close. I mean, even it's weight was so close.

Reminders of Harbor, in the smell of a sweet loving sister that asked me how I was doing. She saw me sitting in Nursery class when she peeked in on her own daughter. She mouthed to me "How are you doing?" To which I answered back to her. She must have felt my heartache because she came in & sat down beside me. She apologized for our loss & informed me that she had lost 5 babies. So she could relate to me to some degree. But what caught my attention, it was her breath. No. It didn't stink. She actually was chewing gum. The same smell that was on Harbors blanket. The same smell that I think of every time I think of Harbor and open his memory box. Harbor's memory box has this same smell that seeped from its contents, onto everything it contains!

I have been having a hard time lately & I just needed/wanted some sort of sign that Harbor is near me. That He is some how aware that I miss him. That I am NOT alone. Today. All these reminders, were just what I needed, to reassure me that I am NOT alone. That The Lord knows my heartache and that He is aware of me during this difficult time.

It's the little reminders that I think are going to help me the most!

ANTICIPATION

The anticipation is killing me. Today is the 1st time my husband & I get to go to our support group meeting for parents of babies whom have passed.

I suppose I am nervous about what is going to happen. How I am going to feel? How is my husband going to feel? Is it going to be helpful for the BOTH of us? Is this meeting going to stir up feelings I have been trying to push aside & not deal with? Am I going to be a big blubbering idiot that whole time?

All I know is that feeling depressed isn't how I want to keep living. I can't keep doing/acting the way I have been. My lack of interest in anything & everything isn't okay. I have 4 other kids to: teach, love, take care of, nurture, inspire, etc. I can't just give up.

Oh how easy it would be to just give up. I have struggled with depression almost all my life. As a teenager I actually attempted suicide on numerous occasions. At 1 point I was in a mental hospital for a month due to repeated, unsuccessful, suicidal attempts. I was really depressed then, a lot like I am now. But thankfully I have learned the coping skills I need to make sure that I don't get to that point again. It is a daily choice I have to make & Some days are definitely harder then others.

Harbor's death has been challenging to not repeat my past behaviors. I want to be happy, healthy and productive in my life! I do. I really do. But it is hard to continue on in life, when you feel as though part of you died, the same time your baby did. It's a constant battle between Heaven & Earth. I would miss out on everything my 4 older child do, say or go through, here on Earth. But I am also missing out on so much as well without Harbor here too.

The anticipation is killing. The anticipation of waiting to leave this Earthly world so I can snuggle my little boy. To see him happy, healthy & smiling! To have him cuddle my neck with his little arms! To hear him say "Momma!" Or anything thing for that matter! To see what color is hair would be or his eyes! Would he have his Momma's eyes, bright & blue as the oceans water? Or would he be our 1st baby to have his Daddy's deep Honey brown eyes, that I love so very much?

Today....the anticipation of everything, is eating at my very existence.

"Re-capping"

So bare with me a few minutes as I recap on some events that happened shortly after Harbor was born. 

~February 18, 2014~

Just days after Harbor was born, WIC contacted me to let me know that I had missed my appointment. (My appointment was on February 13.) Like I didn't already know that I had missed it. -Insert sarcasm here- I was still in the hospital having just had Harbor. So on the 18th I decided to call & figure something out. While on the phone waiting to have a WIC worker answer my call they play a message. This message goes on telling thus said listener that WIC is wonderful. (Well it has been helpful.) but the message went on. Pregnancy this & pregnancy that. WIC has now made it easier for you to enroll your new baby once it's born. 

I can see where this information can be helpful, but can I remind you that I had just experienced a late term miscarriage just days before. I tried everything in my powers to hold back tears while listening to this God awful, pregnancy/ baby filled message that KEPT REPEATING ITSELF. Are you freaking kidding me? 10 minutes on hold waiting through this painful reminder that I am not joyously expecting a baby anymore. 

Finally a WIC rep answered the phone. I informed her that I had missed my appointment because I was in the hospital having my son & that he died. She apologized and then informed me that I would have to come in to the office to pick up my vouchers. WHAT THE......???????? Did she not hear me right? So I repeat to her that my son had died. She says "I am so sorry but because you haven't turned in your paper work for your blood work we can't mail you your vouchers. You have to come in." Are you kidding me? 

About this same time I received a picture text message. (I will later fill you in on my reason for adding this in the mix and it will make sense. I promise.) 

I am still trying to figure out how I can get around coming into their office. The rep keeps telling me that I have to come in. Argh. I just wish I could have reached through the phone at that point & literally strangled the person on the other end. Whatever. Frustrated. I end our call. Apparently I'm not getting anywhere with this lady. 

I get off the phone with the WIC rep & go on to check my text messages to see who sent me a message. It was from an unknown number. The number looked familiar but I couldn't place my finger on where I knew it from. So I opened it. 

Worst. Mistake. Ever.

The picture loads & it is a newborn baby on a weight station table. And the message reads....

Introducing the newest love of my life my grandson Carter Benjamin --------!!!!!!! Can you hear my heart singing!!!!!!!!

I lost it bawling so hard. Really? Are you freaking kidding? Who the freak is sending me a text like this so soon after my loss? 

Once I read the last name of the baby it all made sense on who sent it. It was a midwife that we had enquired with just weeks before. But we had decided to not go with her because we loved the 1st one we met with. 

So I kindly sent a text back....."Congratulations! But I just lost my son at 16 weeks pregnant. I can't take anyone's good news right now. Please take my number off your call list." 

I ran to my bedroom & just hysterically cried for a good hour. During that time I texted my husband at work & informed him of what had just happened. He tried to console me from afar. But it didn't help. 

The midwife lady then sends me another text...."I am soooooooo sorry.....my sisters name is Robin and I sent the text in error......I am soooooo sorry!!!

I didn't care. I felt it was a cruel, cruel joke. Sort of, some sick prank. But unfortunately I wasn't laughing. I was truly at my lowest low. That was the straw that broke my camels back. 

I was hurt. I was angry. I was depressed. I was crushed. I was really, really pissed off. 

Not only because of this "wonderful" text of someone's good news. But because WIC was insisting that I come into their office in person. If you have never been inside of a WIC office, let me enlighten you a second....the name of the place is WIC. It stands for: Women, infant & Children. Yep! The place is infested with them. My pulse rate was sky rocket high just thinking about what I was going to have to face when I went into their office. Pregnant women just sitting there in those chairs. Or those who had just had their babies, sitting there with their car seats, strollers, and arms full with live, living, breathing babies. How in the world do they seriously expect me to come in? 

After a few hours, I called the WIC office back. Had to sit through another long repeated message, the same as before just to take to a rep. The same freaking lady answered the phone. Are you kidding me? I told her through my sobs that there was no way I was going to come in today. I didn't think it was fair that I would have to come in & sit with pregnant, happy moms and newborn babies just to get my vouchers. Can't they mail them to me? We can she says, but because you haven't turned in your blood work, paper work we can't mail them to you. We need that paper work. I said "Is the paper work for me or my son?" She said its for your son. I said "well I turned it in last month & I have it in my clear file with my folder." She then says oh I see that you turned his in last month. Oh it's for you. "Oh really? You need blood work for a pregnancy that is NO longer a pregnancy? Please tell me how this makes sense?" The state needs it otherwise we can't give you your vouchers. "Well then, I don't want my vouchers. I am not coming in to your office filled with pregnant ladies. I think its wrong & very mean of you guys to do this to people who've just been through a lot as it is." She then informs me that she can mail me my sons vouchers but vouchers for me won't be allowed to be sent to me because the lack of this 1 paper. I told her I don't care. I'm not pregnant anymore so it doesn't matter. 

Really? Was all of this madness necessary? It was my 1st major, horrible, terrible bad day after Harbor was born. 

Sock it to me

Today is Sunday. Another day to remind me how NOT pregnant I am any more. The day where I torcher myself by attending church with my family. Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is great but it's also horribly difficult when you have lost your baby. Our church has such a great emphasis on the family. I swear there are about 10 other women pregnant or have just given birth to their own little bundles of joy. Church is full of children & babies. Oh how hard this is & can be. Another new family moved in & guess what....the woman is pregnant as well. I feel like it is such a slap in the face every time I turn around. Jealous? Of course I am. I wanted my son. I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to feel him grow & move inside of me. At 16 weeks, I had been feeling Harbor's little fluttering movements occasionally. I was so excited to be experiencing that joyous milestone. But it was all short lived.

At 16 weeks I had boughten clothes for Harbor. 5 new little outfits to be exact. My excitement had been growing as we were getting so close to finding out if Harbor was a boy or a girl. We had 4 more weeks until our ultrasound appt. We hadn't quite decided if we were actually going to find out at that appt or not. I wanted to wait until Harbor was born. Since I was having a home birth, I wanted the gender to be an incentive to push at the end of a long awaited pregnancy. My husband wanted to know before hand. We had found out with all 4 of our other kids. But this time I wanted to be surprised. Well at 16 weeks when I gave birth to Harbor I found out. It was still a surprise but not how I had envisioned finding out.

Too soon. It's all over too soon.