I have been debating on getting a memorial tattoo.
I know. I know. I know.
I know what your thinking.
Has SHE gone off the deep end?
It has been weighing heavy on my mind lately. I know in our church it's something that seems to be frowned up. We are advised NOT to get them. But I keep feeling like its something I need to do.
I can explain my "needs/wants" for doing so.
I don't have any real tangible thing to cling too. I don't have very many mementos. I can't just show off Harbor's "baby" photos to my friends & family members. Not many people care to see them. I can't just joyously post pictures of him on FB or Instagram. I mean, I would be de-friended in a heart beat. His pictures would probably be banned on FB because they might "offend" someone. I can't just openly talk about him. I mean, which friends do I talk to about him? My pregnant friends or my friends whom just had a healthy baby?
Let's just face it, people don't want to see or hear bad news. They only want to see you when you're at your best. No one wants to see my failures, my faults, my trials, my sorrow. No one wants to see or hear from ME, while I'm un-happy. I know. I have been personally told so.
I have been surprisingly overwhelmed (and not in a good way) with how many people have felt the need to share their pregnancy loss' with me. I am honored they feel comfortable & safe in talking & telling me their stories. Really I am. But it's hard to hear it all the same. So much heart ache. So much sadness. I told my husband tonight, it sort of feels as though I have been inducted into a secret club. A dead baby society or something. (Like Stepford Wives, a cult or something.)
I never asked to be invited in or to join.
I just was.
So back to my needs/wants for a tattoo.
I want Harbor in my arms forever. Since I won't have that in this life. I am trying the best I can to move forward, positively. I want a tattoo of Harbor on my forearm.
Why on the forearm? I have been asked multiple times. Why not on my foot, my shoulder, my back, somewhere it can be hidden?
Well, I will tell you...
Quite frankly, it's because I have to hide everything about Harbor already. Everything that is or was his, is in a tiny box. I don't get to tell people he existed. I don't get to proudly show off my sweet, perfectly formed little boys' baby pictures.
In another month or so (if not, already) people will forget him. People will move on.
And. That. Is. Life.
I want him safely nestled on (in) my arms the rest of my life. I want to find comfort in knowing he will always be with me & I won't ever be able to forget him! I will be able to share with those that ask about my tattoo, that I had another SON!
He lived! But not as long as we had hoped for. His name is Harbor & he was loved! Oh, so very, very LOVED!
Showing posts with label Mormon. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mormon. Show all posts
Friday, March 21, 2014
Sunday, March 16, 2014
My brain is rambling, again. Make it stop.
(I'm gunna keep it real. I have debated about writing something's I may regret later. But who am I. If I don't keep it real? I can't be happy all the time. That wouldn't be right of me. So here it is....ME....in real time. Being human & utterly, real.)
I'm really feeling depressed tonight. Completely overwhelmed & stressed beyond my limits. Rowdy, crazy, loud children...fighting, arguing & crying. All. Day. Long. A tuned out husband, oblivious to anything going on around him. I'm not sure if it's his way of coping today. All I know is it isn't helpful for me. I took 3 of the kids to church by myself while he stayed home "sick." I don't actually believe he had a Headache. I think he stayed up way to late & early morning church just wasn't what he wanted to do...again.
I hate that I have harbored bad feelings from when "M" was a sick baby & I was caring for him in the hospital by myself. All comes to the surface when ever I feel as though I am alone. My husbands way of dealing with our sons illnesses was to mope around the house doing nothing & too worried to care for our 2 older kids. So I would have to arrange childcare for them whenever "M" was hospitalized. He wouldn't even go to work.
I know my husband has come along way since then, but whenever I feel alone &
Like I have to man up and be both parents my hurt feelings from before come out.
I don't mean to be mean, but I am. Regardless of if my husband is truly sick & needs to stay home. I guess it's an issue I need to work through.
But today. I am depressed. I am overwhelmed. I am in need of someone to take care if me. Today has been the 1st time since Harbor's death, that I have even been so overwhelmed that I have had a thought of suicide. It lasted only a couple of minutes but I was aware & snapped out of it quickly. Thank goodness for perspectives.
I, of course, won't openly admit that statement above out loud. But today has been hard for me. Just when I think I have my act together & feel like I can breath & possibly start living again...wham....something creeps in & tears me down. I feel like the worlds worst mother right now. I don't want to interact with my children. I don't want to do anything. Not cooking. Not cleaning. Not getting out of bed. Not get dressed or showered. I don't even want to eat most days. My appetite is not there anymore. I do eat. But not like I did before.
Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........yes, that was me screaming out of frustration.
This is such a lonely path through life. All those people whom you thought were your friends, they have stopped calling, texting, messaging & talking to you. Even your own family members will find it difficult to talk to you, message you, call you, even look you in the face. It sucks. Losing a baby sucks to its fullest. You tend to lose more then your baby.
You. Lose. Yourself.
I'm really feeling depressed tonight. Completely overwhelmed & stressed beyond my limits. Rowdy, crazy, loud children...fighting, arguing & crying. All. Day. Long. A tuned out husband, oblivious to anything going on around him. I'm not sure if it's his way of coping today. All I know is it isn't helpful for me. I took 3 of the kids to church by myself while he stayed home "sick." I don't actually believe he had a Headache. I think he stayed up way to late & early morning church just wasn't what he wanted to do...again.
I hate that I have harbored bad feelings from when "M" was a sick baby & I was caring for him in the hospital by myself. All comes to the surface when ever I feel as though I am alone. My husbands way of dealing with our sons illnesses was to mope around the house doing nothing & too worried to care for our 2 older kids. So I would have to arrange childcare for them whenever "M" was hospitalized. He wouldn't even go to work.
I know my husband has come along way since then, but whenever I feel alone &
Like I have to man up and be both parents my hurt feelings from before come out.
I don't mean to be mean, but I am. Regardless of if my husband is truly sick & needs to stay home. I guess it's an issue I need to work through.
But today. I am depressed. I am overwhelmed. I am in need of someone to take care if me. Today has been the 1st time since Harbor's death, that I have even been so overwhelmed that I have had a thought of suicide. It lasted only a couple of minutes but I was aware & snapped out of it quickly. Thank goodness for perspectives.
I, of course, won't openly admit that statement above out loud. But today has been hard for me. Just when I think I have my act together & feel like I can breath & possibly start living again...wham....something creeps in & tears me down. I feel like the worlds worst mother right now. I don't want to interact with my children. I don't want to do anything. Not cooking. Not cleaning. Not getting out of bed. Not get dressed or showered. I don't even want to eat most days. My appetite is not there anymore. I do eat. But not like I did before.
Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........yes, that was me screaming out of frustration.
This is such a lonely path through life. All those people whom you thought were your friends, they have stopped calling, texting, messaging & talking to you. Even your own family members will find it difficult to talk to you, message you, call you, even look you in the face. It sucks. Losing a baby sucks to its fullest. You tend to lose more then your baby.
You. Lose. Yourself.
Little Reminders
Today at church, there were little reminders everywhere.
Reminders of Harbor, in the baby boy I held with "A" during sacrament. How much "A's" love for little babies just astounds me. He begged to hold the baby boy in front of us. The way his little face lit up as we held him. Snuggling & rocking him in his arms. I imagine that that is how it would have been like if Harbor was here! I got choked up just thinking about it.
Reminders of Harbor, in a tiny baby doll that was on the ground in Nursery class. This baby doll was eerily similar to the exact size of Harbor. The Length & head size, down to its feet & hands. I actually picked it up & held it in my hands just to compare it to what it was like when I held Harbor. It was so close. I mean, even it's weight was so close.
Reminders of Harbor, in the smell of a sweet loving sister that asked me how I was doing. She saw me sitting in Nursery class when she peeked in on her own daughter. She mouthed to me "How are you doing?" To which I answered back to her. She must have felt my heartache because she came in & sat down beside me. She apologized for our loss & informed me that she had lost 5 babies. So she could relate to me to some degree. But what caught my attention, it was her breath. No. It didn't stink. She actually was chewing gum. The same smell that was on Harbors blanket. The same smell that I think of every time I think of Harbor and open his memory box. Harbor's memory box has this same smell that seeped from its contents, onto everything it contains!
I have been having a hard time lately & I just needed/wanted some sort of sign that Harbor is near me. That He is some how aware that I miss him. That I am NOT alone. Today. All these reminders, were just what I needed, to reassure me that I am NOT alone. That The Lord knows my heartache and that He is aware of me during this difficult time.
It's the little reminders that I think are going to help me the most!
Reminders of Harbor, in the baby boy I held with "A" during sacrament. How much "A's" love for little babies just astounds me. He begged to hold the baby boy in front of us. The way his little face lit up as we held him. Snuggling & rocking him in his arms. I imagine that that is how it would have been like if Harbor was here! I got choked up just thinking about it.
Reminders of Harbor, in a tiny baby doll that was on the ground in Nursery class. This baby doll was eerily similar to the exact size of Harbor. The Length & head size, down to its feet & hands. I actually picked it up & held it in my hands just to compare it to what it was like when I held Harbor. It was so close. I mean, even it's weight was so close.
Reminders of Harbor, in the smell of a sweet loving sister that asked me how I was doing. She saw me sitting in Nursery class when she peeked in on her own daughter. She mouthed to me "How are you doing?" To which I answered back to her. She must have felt my heartache because she came in & sat down beside me. She apologized for our loss & informed me that she had lost 5 babies. So she could relate to me to some degree. But what caught my attention, it was her breath. No. It didn't stink. She actually was chewing gum. The same smell that was on Harbors blanket. The same smell that I think of every time I think of Harbor and open his memory box. Harbor's memory box has this same smell that seeped from its contents, onto everything it contains!
I have been having a hard time lately & I just needed/wanted some sort of sign that Harbor is near me. That He is some how aware that I miss him. That I am NOT alone. Today. All these reminders, were just what I needed, to reassure me that I am NOT alone. That The Lord knows my heartache and that He is aware of me during this difficult time.
It's the little reminders that I think are going to help me the most!
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Breaking Point
There's a reason why I don't openly share my feelings on Facebook. I posted something venting how upset I was from my experience at the hospital this afternoon. Only to receive what felt like a bashing from a "friend" stating the following and (some other things as well): "I do have to say this is going too far. Crap happens in this world to everyone and it sucks."
Basically telling me I need to stop posting stuff that brings everyone down. Um, I'm sorry. If you don't like what I have to say then delete me as a Friend. It's that simple. Or don't look at my posts. Whatever. I don't care. Life isn't all rainbows, butterflies & candy.
I know eventually I will move forward. But this private message was totally out of line. I think 1 or 2 venting posts on Facebook since Harbor was born, isn't going to kill you. But to say it as though every time I'm on the computer, I'm bashing pregnant people or something.
I am thrilled for everyone that is expecting a baby. I have family members whom are expecting. I actually pray that they never have to struggle like I am with the loss of a child. But to be an insensitive jerk like the rest of them, after loosing a baby of your own, I will never understand. Yeah I had a bad day. Yeah I vented publicly. No I don't expect everyone to go out of their way to accommodate me & my grieving heart. No I don't break down every time I see someone pregnant or holding a baby. But today was a lot harder then most days.
Returning to the same place where I was informed Harbor had died, triggered my scabbed over feelings that came pouring out in tears. Your right, crap happens & it sucks. Also, I have every right to openly express how I feel.
Did you know at a point in my life Suicide was all I could think of? Did you know cutting myself was a form of therapy to work through my emotions? I have many scars to prove it. Did you know that I struggling with depression and today's events magnified them? Do you know how hard it is for me to say how I feel let alone share my feelings with ANYONE? Do you know I don't have 1 single friend that I can run too, to truly cry on their shoulder or vent too or just talk/Cry too, like you have. I don't even have siblings that I can talk too. I have 8 siblings & not 1 single one of them have called, wrote or asked me how I was doing? Not even my own mom. Do you know how hard that is?
No. No you didn't. Why? Because you were too busy judging me & telling me that basically that I have no right to say how I feel. I need to suck it up & be grateful for the children I do have. I am grateful for each & every one of my children. But I am also mourning the loss of Harbor & you know what? That's normal & perfectly OK to do so.
So sorry if this reply comes off as hurtful, but your message to me was. Regardless of if you didn't mean too. I have sat here bawling from your hurtful comments.
I am grateful for the Plan of Salvation & I am fully aware of each & every blessing in my life!
Look at the positive you say...positive? That I am here to walk without this 1 child in my life. There is no positive about that at all.
Help others you say...that is all I ever do. I am the 1st person to take a meal or babysit a kid. I visit others all the time. I make things, cook things, give things, give my time. I find joy in help others. But right now, I am alone. I don't have anyone doing, saying or helping me.
Thank you for all the wonderful reminders that I am a horrible person for having a bad day & venting. Sorry if I "took it too far."
Basically telling me I need to stop posting stuff that brings everyone down. Um, I'm sorry. If you don't like what I have to say then delete me as a Friend. It's that simple. Or don't look at my posts. Whatever. I don't care. Life isn't all rainbows, butterflies & candy.
I know eventually I will move forward. But this private message was totally out of line. I think 1 or 2 venting posts on Facebook since Harbor was born, isn't going to kill you. But to say it as though every time I'm on the computer, I'm bashing pregnant people or something.
I am thrilled for everyone that is expecting a baby. I have family members whom are expecting. I actually pray that they never have to struggle like I am with the loss of a child. But to be an insensitive jerk like the rest of them, after loosing a baby of your own, I will never understand. Yeah I had a bad day. Yeah I vented publicly. No I don't expect everyone to go out of their way to accommodate me & my grieving heart. No I don't break down every time I see someone pregnant or holding a baby. But today was a lot harder then most days.
Returning to the same place where I was informed Harbor had died, triggered my scabbed over feelings that came pouring out in tears. Your right, crap happens & it sucks. Also, I have every right to openly express how I feel.
Did you know at a point in my life Suicide was all I could think of? Did you know cutting myself was a form of therapy to work through my emotions? I have many scars to prove it. Did you know that I struggling with depression and today's events magnified them? Do you know how hard it is for me to say how I feel let alone share my feelings with ANYONE? Do you know I don't have 1 single friend that I can run too, to truly cry on their shoulder or vent too or just talk/Cry too, like you have. I don't even have siblings that I can talk too. I have 8 siblings & not 1 single one of them have called, wrote or asked me how I was doing? Not even my own mom. Do you know how hard that is?
No. No you didn't. Why? Because you were too busy judging me & telling me that basically that I have no right to say how I feel. I need to suck it up & be grateful for the children I do have. I am grateful for each & every one of my children. But I am also mourning the loss of Harbor & you know what? That's normal & perfectly OK to do so.
So sorry if this reply comes off as hurtful, but your message to me was. Regardless of if you didn't mean too. I have sat here bawling from your hurtful comments.
I am grateful for the Plan of Salvation & I am fully aware of each & every blessing in my life!
Look at the positive you say...positive? That I am here to walk without this 1 child in my life. There is no positive about that at all.
Help others you say...that is all I ever do. I am the 1st person to take a meal or babysit a kid. I visit others all the time. I make things, cook things, give things, give my time. I find joy in help others. But right now, I am alone. I don't have anyone doing, saying or helping me.
Thank you for all the wonderful reminders that I am a horrible person for having a bad day & venting. Sorry if I "took it too far."
Monday, March 10, 2014
Processing. Please wait....
After last nights parent support group meeting, my brain has so much to download & process.
There was an Art therapist that came & walked us through some of our emotions we are dealing with as grieving parents. To be quite honest, my brain kept shutting off & wondering to somewhere else in time. I found it extremely hard to listen & understand the words coming from her mouth. I would catch myself drifting somewhere & then snap back out of it & be present once again.
I remember her talking about something to do with when you're emotionally traumatized in a sense, your brain throws the events in a space in the brain & we find it hard to process those feelings into words. So through the art process, drawing, scribbling, doodling, etc....we can try to help that part of our brain turn those feelings into something tangible. Something easier for our brains to handle.
We soften the blow of the horrible events that we have had to go through & we can alter the events into something more happy so that we can cope better.
Again...in & out of being in the moment for me...the therapist is now ready to start. We are asked to draw a picture of how we feel about our babies and our connection with them.
I drew a picture of an empty pregnant body. I had to use a navy blue color but I wanted to use black. But couldn't find it in an oil pastel. I then find & grab a black sharpie marker and draw a black baby figure drifting upwards holding onto a blue balloon. The baby figure is reaching out to the pregnant belly. As if it didn't want to go, but HAD too. I couldn't help but cry as I drew the entire time. I just kept thinking of Harbor & how much I just wanted MORE time with him. But that I felt HE was ripped away, all too soon.
That was the end of our 1st step. Which we didn't know was the 1st step.
The therapist then asked us to add something to our pictures that would help make the pictures safer. Draw something that would help make your previous drawing easier to cope with looking at.
Hhhuuuummmmm......now what can I add? I think to myself. This is so hard to draw how I feel. My mind racing through a bunch of different things I could draw. But then it hits me...a light house on the base of the ocean. With a light beacon shinning from within. And I drew a source of light radiating from the Heavens above. I added a dark shaded heart from the womb & a red little heart in the baby's body. To show love for each other.
Now, I'm NO artist. But in this case we didn't need to be. It's about each of our individual experiences & the best way to help ourselves cope.
The therapist then had us stop. She asks us to share with everyone what our drawings say to us.
For me...it's finding refuge in a situation that makes me feel so terribly stuck in a whirlpool. There is nothing I can do to change the outcome. All I can do is fight to stay alive. All I can do is pray to a loving Heavenly Father, whom I know loves me & truly loves Harbor as well. All I can do is try to survive the raging storm & hope that when the rage ends, I will some how be able to pick up the pieces & moving forward to rebuild my life, gracefully.
So I will continue to process the bits & pieces from last nights meeting and try to make sense of this whole ordeal.
There was an Art therapist that came & walked us through some of our emotions we are dealing with as grieving parents. To be quite honest, my brain kept shutting off & wondering to somewhere else in time. I found it extremely hard to listen & understand the words coming from her mouth. I would catch myself drifting somewhere & then snap back out of it & be present once again.
I remember her talking about something to do with when you're emotionally traumatized in a sense, your brain throws the events in a space in the brain & we find it hard to process those feelings into words. So through the art process, drawing, scribbling, doodling, etc....we can try to help that part of our brain turn those feelings into something tangible. Something easier for our brains to handle.
We soften the blow of the horrible events that we have had to go through & we can alter the events into something more happy so that we can cope better.
Again...in & out of being in the moment for me...the therapist is now ready to start. We are asked to draw a picture of how we feel about our babies and our connection with them.
I drew a picture of an empty pregnant body. I had to use a navy blue color but I wanted to use black. But couldn't find it in an oil pastel. I then find & grab a black sharpie marker and draw a black baby figure drifting upwards holding onto a blue balloon. The baby figure is reaching out to the pregnant belly. As if it didn't want to go, but HAD too. I couldn't help but cry as I drew the entire time. I just kept thinking of Harbor & how much I just wanted MORE time with him. But that I felt HE was ripped away, all too soon.
That was the end of our 1st step. Which we didn't know was the 1st step.
The therapist then asked us to add something to our pictures that would help make the pictures safer. Draw something that would help make your previous drawing easier to cope with looking at.
Hhhuuuummmmm......now what can I add? I think to myself. This is so hard to draw how I feel. My mind racing through a bunch of different things I could draw. But then it hits me...a light house on the base of the ocean. With a light beacon shinning from within. And I drew a source of light radiating from the Heavens above. I added a dark shaded heart from the womb & a red little heart in the baby's body. To show love for each other.
Now, I'm NO artist. But in this case we didn't need to be. It's about each of our individual experiences & the best way to help ourselves cope.
The therapist then had us stop. She asks us to share with everyone what our drawings say to us.
For me...it's finding refuge in a situation that makes me feel so terribly stuck in a whirlpool. There is nothing I can do to change the outcome. All I can do is fight to stay alive. All I can do is pray to a loving Heavenly Father, whom I know loves me & truly loves Harbor as well. All I can do is try to survive the raging storm & hope that when the rage ends, I will some how be able to pick up the pieces & moving forward to rebuild my life, gracefully.
So I will continue to process the bits & pieces from last nights meeting and try to make sense of this whole ordeal.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Crying. Lots and lots of crying.
3 weeks. How has 3 weeks flown by so quickly? Or hasn't it? Have I just been stuck in that day. The day Harbor was born.
In 4 days my husband & I will attend our 1st ever support group for grieving parents. At 1st I thought this would be really great for my husband but as the day gets nearer, I know that to be utterly wrong. I am the one whom needs it most.
I am completely depressed. I don't sit & cry all day long. (Usually only at night when I'm by myself and everyone is asleep.) But all day long I feel such a heaviness upon me. A dark cloud just looming over head. I just feel like I'm 1 incident away from bawling my eyes out. I feel so lost. I feel so useless. I am so consumed with grief that I just don't know how to move on. Maybe out of fear. Fear of forgetting. Fear of remembering. Fear of hurting forever. I don't know. Maybe all of the above.
Last night "A" was screaming & crying inconsolably. I was literally up almost all night long. Every time I went to sit down while holding him because he had fallen asleep, he could somehow tell & wake screaming once again.
At one point during one of his screaming fits I started to sing to him, to try & comfort him. The song that came to mind was a hymn "Families can be together forever." While singing him this song, I lost it bawling. I couldn't even finish humming the song. One of the lines that stung most was "I have a family here on earth. They are so good to me. I want to share my life with them for all eternity."
I do have most of my family here on earth! Yes they are good to me! And I most definitely want to spend all of eternity with each any everyone of them! But what hurt the most was the realization that Harbor isn't here on earth any more. I sobbed as I held "A" & then the most amazing thing happened.
During the wee hours of the morning while sobbing and trying to console a really unhappy 18 month old...."A" stopped crying & he wrapped his little arms around my neck & hugged me tight. It was like we connected. It was like, Heaven sending me a hug from Harbor through his big brother. A hug so powerful, that it calmed my aching heart. I truly felt as though "A" was trying to tell me that everything is going to be alright. And he didn't even have to say a thing. It was just the most incredible confirmation that I am NOT alone during this grieving process.
In 4 days my husband & I will attend our 1st ever support group for grieving parents. At 1st I thought this would be really great for my husband but as the day gets nearer, I know that to be utterly wrong. I am the one whom needs it most.
I am completely depressed. I don't sit & cry all day long. (Usually only at night when I'm by myself and everyone is asleep.) But all day long I feel such a heaviness upon me. A dark cloud just looming over head. I just feel like I'm 1 incident away from bawling my eyes out. I feel so lost. I feel so useless. I am so consumed with grief that I just don't know how to move on. Maybe out of fear. Fear of forgetting. Fear of remembering. Fear of hurting forever. I don't know. Maybe all of the above.
Last night "A" was screaming & crying inconsolably. I was literally up almost all night long. Every time I went to sit down while holding him because he had fallen asleep, he could somehow tell & wake screaming once again.
At one point during one of his screaming fits I started to sing to him, to try & comfort him. The song that came to mind was a hymn "Families can be together forever." While singing him this song, I lost it bawling. I couldn't even finish humming the song. One of the lines that stung most was "I have a family here on earth. They are so good to me. I want to share my life with them for all eternity."
I do have most of my family here on earth! Yes they are good to me! And I most definitely want to spend all of eternity with each any everyone of them! But what hurt the most was the realization that Harbor isn't here on earth any more. I sobbed as I held "A" & then the most amazing thing happened.
During the wee hours of the morning while sobbing and trying to console a really unhappy 18 month old...."A" stopped crying & he wrapped his little arms around my neck & hugged me tight. It was like we connected. It was like, Heaven sending me a hug from Harbor through his big brother. A hug so powerful, that it calmed my aching heart. I truly felt as though "A" was trying to tell me that everything is going to be alright. And he didn't even have to say a thing. It was just the most incredible confirmation that I am NOT alone during this grieving process.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Sock it to me
Today is Sunday. Another day to remind me how NOT pregnant I am any more. The day where I torcher myself by attending church with my family. Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is great but it's also horribly difficult when you have lost your baby. Our church has such a great emphasis on the family. I swear there are about 10 other women pregnant or have just given birth to their own little bundles of joy. Church is full of children & babies. Oh how hard this is & can be. Another new family moved in & guess what....the woman is pregnant as well. I feel like it is such a slap in the face every time I turn around. Jealous? Of course I am. I wanted my son. I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to feel him grow & move inside of me. At 16 weeks, I had been feeling Harbor's little fluttering movements occasionally. I was so excited to be experiencing that joyous milestone. But it was all short lived.
At 16 weeks I had boughten clothes for Harbor. 5 new little outfits to be exact. My excitement had been growing as we were getting so close to finding out if Harbor was a boy or a girl. We had 4 more weeks until our ultrasound appt. We hadn't quite decided if we were actually going to find out at that appt or not. I wanted to wait until Harbor was born. Since I was having a home birth, I wanted the gender to be an incentive to push at the end of a long awaited pregnancy. My husband wanted to know before hand. We had found out with all 4 of our other kids. But this time I wanted to be surprised. Well at 16 weeks when I gave birth to Harbor I found out. It was still a surprise but not how I had envisioned finding out.
Too soon. It's all over too soon.
At 16 weeks I had boughten clothes for Harbor. 5 new little outfits to be exact. My excitement had been growing as we were getting so close to finding out if Harbor was a boy or a girl. We had 4 more weeks until our ultrasound appt. We hadn't quite decided if we were actually going to find out at that appt or not. I wanted to wait until Harbor was born. Since I was having a home birth, I wanted the gender to be an incentive to push at the end of a long awaited pregnancy. My husband wanted to know before hand. We had found out with all 4 of our other kids. But this time I wanted to be surprised. Well at 16 weeks when I gave birth to Harbor I found out. It was still a surprise but not how I had envisioned finding out.
Too soon. It's all over too soon.
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