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After last nights parent support group meeting, my brain has so much to download & process.

There was an Art therapist that came & walked us through some of our emotions we are dealing with as grieving parents. To be quite honest, my brain kept shutting off & wondering to somewhere else in time. I found it extremely hard to listen & understand the words coming from her mouth. I would catch myself drifting somewhere & then snap back out of it & be present once again.

I remember her talking about something to do with when you're emotionally traumatized in a sense, your brain throws the events in a space in the brain & we find it hard to process those feelings into words. So through the art process, drawing, scribbling, doodling, etc....we can try to help that part of our brain turn those feelings into something tangible. Something easier for our brains to handle.

We soften the blow of the horrible events that we have had to go through & we can alter the events into something more happy so that we can cope better.

Again...in & out of being in the moment for me...the therapist is now ready to start. We are asked to draw a picture of how we feel about our babies and our connection with them.

I drew a picture of an empty pregnant body. I had to use a navy blue color but I wanted to use black. But couldn't find it in an oil pastel. I then find & grab a black sharpie marker and draw a black baby figure drifting upwards holding onto a blue balloon. The baby figure is reaching out to the pregnant belly. As if it didn't want to go, but HAD too. I couldn't help but cry as I drew the entire time. I just kept thinking of Harbor & how much I just wanted MORE time with him. But that I felt HE was ripped away, all too soon.

That was the end of our 1st step. Which we didn't know was the 1st step.

The therapist then asked us to add something to our pictures that would help make the pictures safer. Draw something that would help make your previous drawing easier to cope with looking at.

Hhhuuuummmmm......now what can I add? I think to myself. This is so hard to draw how I feel. My mind racing through a bunch of different things I could draw. But then it hits me...a light house on the base of the ocean. With a light beacon shinning from within. And I drew a source of light radiating from the Heavens above.  I added a dark shaded heart from the womb & a red little heart in the baby's body. To show love for each other.

Now, I'm NO artist. But in this case we didn't need to be. It's about each of our individual experiences & the best way to help ourselves cope.

The therapist then had us stop. She asks us to share with everyone what our drawings say to us.

For me...it's finding refuge in a situation that makes me feel so terribly stuck in a whirlpool. There is nothing I can do to change the outcome. All I can do is fight to stay alive. All I can do is pray to a loving Heavenly Father, whom I know loves me & truly loves Harbor as well. All I can do is try to survive the raging storm & hope that when the rage ends, I will some how be able to pick up the pieces & moving forward to rebuild my life, gracefully.

So I will continue to process the bits & pieces from last nights meeting and try to make sense of this whole ordeal.

ANTICIPATION

The anticipation is killing me. Today is the 1st time my husband & I get to go to our support group meeting for parents of babies whom have passed.

I suppose I am nervous about what is going to happen. How I am going to feel? How is my husband going to feel? Is it going to be helpful for the BOTH of us? Is this meeting going to stir up feelings I have been trying to push aside & not deal with? Am I going to be a big blubbering idiot that whole time?

All I know is that feeling depressed isn't how I want to keep living. I can't keep doing/acting the way I have been. My lack of interest in anything & everything isn't okay. I have 4 other kids to: teach, love, take care of, nurture, inspire, etc. I can't just give up.

Oh how easy it would be to just give up. I have struggled with depression almost all my life. As a teenager I actually attempted suicide on numerous occasions. At 1 point I was in a mental hospital for a month due to repeated, unsuccessful, suicidal attempts. I was really depressed then, a lot like I am now. But thankfully I have learned the coping skills I need to make sure that I don't get to that point again. It is a daily choice I have to make & Some days are definitely harder then others.

Harbor's death has been challenging to not repeat my past behaviors. I want to be happy, healthy and productive in my life! I do. I really do. But it is hard to continue on in life, when you feel as though part of you died, the same time your baby did. It's a constant battle between Heaven & Earth. I would miss out on everything my 4 older child do, say or go through, here on Earth. But I am also missing out on so much as well without Harbor here too.

The anticipation is killing. The anticipation of waiting to leave this Earthly world so I can snuggle my little boy. To see him happy, healthy & smiling! To have him cuddle my neck with his little arms! To hear him say "Momma!" Or anything thing for that matter! To see what color is hair would be or his eyes! Would he have his Momma's eyes, bright & blue as the oceans water? Or would he be our 1st baby to have his Daddy's deep Honey brown eyes, that I love so very much?

Today....the anticipation of everything, is eating at my very existence.

Crying. Lots and lots of crying.

3 weeks. How has 3 weeks flown by so quickly? Or hasn't it? Have I just been stuck in that day. The day Harbor was born.

In 4 days my husband & I will attend our 1st ever support group for grieving parents. At 1st I thought this would be really great for my husband but as the day gets nearer, I know that to be utterly wrong. I am the one whom needs it most.

I am completely depressed. I don't sit & cry all day long. (Usually only at night when I'm by myself and everyone is asleep.) But all day long I feel such a heaviness upon me. A dark cloud just looming over head. I just feel like I'm 1 incident away from bawling my eyes out. I feel so lost. I feel so useless. I am so consumed with grief that I just don't know how to move on. Maybe out of fear. Fear of forgetting. Fear of remembering. Fear of hurting forever. I don't know. Maybe all of the above.

Last night "A" was screaming & crying inconsolably. I was literally up almost all night long. Every time I went to sit down while holding him because he had fallen asleep, he could somehow tell & wake screaming once again.

At one point during one of his screaming fits I started to sing to him, to try & comfort him. The song that came to mind was a hymn "Families can be together forever." While singing him this song, I lost it bawling. I couldn't even finish humming the song. One of the lines that stung most was "I have a family here on earth. They are so good to me. I want to share my life with them for all eternity."

I do have most of my family here on earth! Yes they are good to me! And I most definitely want to spend all of eternity with each any everyone of them! But what hurt the most was the realization that Harbor isn't here on earth any more. I sobbed as I held "A" & then the most amazing thing happened.

During the wee hours of the morning while sobbing and trying to console a really unhappy 18 month old...."A" stopped crying & he wrapped his little arms around my neck & hugged me tight. It was like we connected. It was like, Heaven sending me a hug from Harbor through his big brother. A hug so powerful, that it calmed my aching heart. I truly felt as though "A" was trying to tell me that everything is going to be alright. And he didn't even have to say a thing. It was just the most incredible confirmation that I am NOT alone during this grieving process.