Apparently I'm jealous, sad & angry.
My sister-in-law just had her baby yesterday & upon seeing pictures of her new baby boy, I got really upset.
Don't get me wrong. Please.
I am thrilled that her son is born. Alive. I am excited to meet him someday. I even made him a blanket. It's primary colored squares. It's really cute.
But.
I am ever so jealous, sad & angry. (I find myself feeling the need to explain myself...A lot more then usual nowadays. So here is where I explain myself. Bare with me.)
Looking at photos of family members...oooooing & aaaaaawwwwwwing over my new nephew makes my heart ache. Knowing that NO ONE showed that much love & joy over Harbor when he we born. No one proudly showed off photography's of him to their friends. No one even came to the hospital to be with us. So yeah. Jealous much? I am.
Angry? Yep. Sure seems like it.
Sad? My tearful demeanor the past 24 hours could indicate rightfully so.
My thoughts keep bouncing back to a comment my mother-in-law made Christmas Day. (We announced we were expecting Harbor on Christmas Eve.) It was when she looked around at all 8 grand kids that were opening gifts. She then realized that 2 more grand babies were going to be present the following Christmas.
"Where are we going to put everyone next Christmas? We will have 2 more grand kids. We need a bigger house! Or we need to convince someone else to hold Christmas at their house."
This thought hurts my aching heart so badly. The reality that there isn't another DO-OVER. Things aren't going to change. This coming Christmas there will ONLY be the 1 happy baby. And it's NOT OURS.
No fun, happy, smiling Christmas Cards from us should be expected this year. At Christmas, Our 5 month old won't be present. On Thanksgiving Day he would have been 4 months old and we will be missing him in his little onesie I had already carefully bought to fit him. It has the cutest little turkey on it & says "My 1st Thanksgiving" on it. On Halloween his Superman footy jumper will remain empty as well. And in July, instead of busily getting ready to meet our little boy. We will probably be still mourning the...could of...should of...would of's. And our reality of his life cut way to short.
So please forgive me while I am ever so jealous, sad & angry right now. My reality of never getting to hold him again is ever so present as I see my nephew. I'm not sure how I'm going to feel holding him. As happy as I am, it hurts too. Not many people realize how hard it is to move forward, when to me...so much was ripped away. He wasn't just a fetus. He wasn't just a clump of cells. He was a baby! My baby! I had planned & envisioned my life with him in it since the moment I knew he was alive. He was and still is...Oh. So. Very. Real.
My life has been derailed. My plans have had to be thrown out like yesterday's garbage. All these little outfits will remain unworn. Tucked away with the rest of his belongings.
But to some of you...I'm just suppose to move on. "Get over it." "Be grateful I have 4 living children."
My response:
"Let me cut off your thumbs & you'll get over it. I mean, you have 4 others. Be grateful for them."
Or
"You'll have more children." "Good thing it happened early on. Something might have been wrong with him." "God needed him more." "It was Gods will."
My response:
"It does matter if I have more children. Having another child isn't going to replace Harbor." "Something WAS wrong with him. But just like (M, my 7yr old) we would have gratefully welcomed, loved, cherished & taken care of him." "I beg to differ, if you think any one including God, needed Harbor more, hands down. I'd win." "I don't believe in a God whom would knowingly & willingly take children from their mothers. I believe in letting my God tell me HIS WILL. Not you."
So please have a heart & bare with me while I still mourn the way I need to mourn. While I cry over little things & holidays. Bare with me while I grieve over NOT ever getting to hold him again or while I grieve over the endless reminders that the things in my life I had planned to do so with him in it, aren't going to ever happen.
Feel free to put your arm around me & just give me a hug. Call, text or write to me...just to say "hi! I was thinking about you!" "Is there a time I can swing by?" "Can I help with your kids?" "Do you need a break?" "Just was thinking about you today & wanted to drop dinner off." Anything. Just letting me know that I am thought of or offering to help, but really offering. Would be greatly appreciated during this time.
Unfortunately, I don't have a time stamp for how long am I going to grieve for. No, I am not just going to get over my son dying. No, I'm not holding it together as well as I would like to be. Yes, I have accepted that I need a therapist & have begun seeing one. I also have been going to support group meetings of parents that have lost babies. While they are helpful, I still need people I know & trust to be there for me!
Showing posts with label Counseling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Counseling. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Thursday, March 27, 2014
One step at a time.
I met with a pregnancy therapist through Kaiser today. It was nice. I wasn't sure what to expect going in for this visit. But was pleasantly surprised with myself as I poured out my heart, feelings & uncertainties to a complete stranger. I guess, sometimes it's easier to do so. Then talking to friends or family members.
I told her about my history with suicidal tendencies & cutting. I told her that I have learned to watch myself & recognize warning signs. I have learned in the past that bottling up my emotions is destructive and that I needed to choose a healthier way to cope this time around. I told her I decided to start a blog (this blog) to work through my emotions & thoughts. That I didn't want to go to that Dark place where I was so many years ago.
14 years ago, cutting was my form of therapy. I felt so empty & removed from my thoughts & emotions. Cutting was my way of feeling alive & reconnected with reality. It was a way for me to feel my inward emotions, in an outward experience. As stupid as that may sound (even to me) that was me, trying it cope. Not good. Not good at all.
This blog allows me the freedom to openly express how I feel, in a healthy way & not have to worry about my feelings being trampled on, by friends & family members that might say hurtful things. Intentional or unintentionally.
I did go on to talking about how Harbor's death has effected my children. How I feel so helpless & confused as how to help myself, let alone my grieving children. She suggested quite a few helpful suggestions:
*Since we home school, have my children journal. Allow them to write or draw anything they want to regarding how they are feeling about the loss of Harbor. They can write to him. Telling him how much they miss him. Or how angry they are that he isn't here. Or how Sad they are feeling, that they didn't get to do something with him or say to him. Or how happy they are that they got to do something. I told my kids that I don't have to ever see any of it. They are free to vent however they choose. If they are feeling extra angry we could even burn, rip or shred the negative journaling papers...TOGETHER. Safely.
*Hold a Memorial type Service. It doesn't have to include any body else but the 6 of us (myself, my husband & the 4 kids). We can pick a day to spend together, get some balloons & write letters to Harbor. And release them to him!
*During the holidays, especially at Christmas time, we can get him a stocking. But fill it with notes to him or notes of what Good things we can do to honor him during the coming year!
*Make something to honor Harbor. This can be a painting or a drawing. Photographs. A scrapbook. Jewelry. A poem. (Something tangible to have to just remember him!)
*Add hints or reminders to family photos to represent Harbor. She told me of a family she is helping that lost a baby too. They use a star in every family picture they take with their other living children. Just something to represent he is apart of our family. No one needs to know what we use. Just honor him in a way that helps us cope. (I personally want to use a blue balloon to honor him.)
After she suggested making jewelry, with his name on it or something like it. She then noticed the necklace I was wearing. I said my friend made it for me. She didn't know what else to do for me while I'm grieving. So she made me this with his name & birth date on it and the therapist was pleasantly excited that I already had a necklace! She then asked if she could take a look at it & she loved that my friend included his birth stone & an angel wing charm on it!
I told her that I had another friend text me one day. Saying she had made something for me. To my surprise it was a painting of a light house & how she had added all of the little details about his birthday, weight & size to the picture. And my favorite part of it being the definition of a "Safe Harbor" written in the waves!
After I told her what some of you have done for me in the last 6 weeks. The therapist was surprised & commented on "How thoughtful & wonderful" my friends are! She informed me that a lot of the women she works with come to her crying all the time because of the lack of compassion & understanding from their friends & family. But that I am lucky to have such wonderful people in my life!
I fully agree!
And I am sorry I haven't Thank'ed each and everyone one of you personally. But I am grateful. More then you might ever realize. I'm grateful for each & every heartfelt note, letter, meal, flower, text, FB message, phone call, prayer, thought, love & light....EVERYTHING! Thank you!
One of these days I will be able to move forward. With your help, love & support! And Right now, I'm taking it...one step at a time. One day at a time. One moment at a time.
I told her about my history with suicidal tendencies & cutting. I told her that I have learned to watch myself & recognize warning signs. I have learned in the past that bottling up my emotions is destructive and that I needed to choose a healthier way to cope this time around. I told her I decided to start a blog (this blog) to work through my emotions & thoughts. That I didn't want to go to that Dark place where I was so many years ago.
14 years ago, cutting was my form of therapy. I felt so empty & removed from my thoughts & emotions. Cutting was my way of feeling alive & reconnected with reality. It was a way for me to feel my inward emotions, in an outward experience. As stupid as that may sound (even to me) that was me, trying it cope. Not good. Not good at all.
This blog allows me the freedom to openly express how I feel, in a healthy way & not have to worry about my feelings being trampled on, by friends & family members that might say hurtful things. Intentional or unintentionally.
I did go on to talking about how Harbor's death has effected my children. How I feel so helpless & confused as how to help myself, let alone my grieving children. She suggested quite a few helpful suggestions:
*Since we home school, have my children journal. Allow them to write or draw anything they want to regarding how they are feeling about the loss of Harbor. They can write to him. Telling him how much they miss him. Or how angry they are that he isn't here. Or how Sad they are feeling, that they didn't get to do something with him or say to him. Or how happy they are that they got to do something. I told my kids that I don't have to ever see any of it. They are free to vent however they choose. If they are feeling extra angry we could even burn, rip or shred the negative journaling papers...TOGETHER. Safely.
*Hold a Memorial type Service. It doesn't have to include any body else but the 6 of us (myself, my husband & the 4 kids). We can pick a day to spend together, get some balloons & write letters to Harbor. And release them to him!
*During the holidays, especially at Christmas time, we can get him a stocking. But fill it with notes to him or notes of what Good things we can do to honor him during the coming year!
*Make something to honor Harbor. This can be a painting or a drawing. Photographs. A scrapbook. Jewelry. A poem. (Something tangible to have to just remember him!)
*Add hints or reminders to family photos to represent Harbor. She told me of a family she is helping that lost a baby too. They use a star in every family picture they take with their other living children. Just something to represent he is apart of our family. No one needs to know what we use. Just honor him in a way that helps us cope. (I personally want to use a blue balloon to honor him.)
After she suggested making jewelry, with his name on it or something like it. She then noticed the necklace I was wearing. I said my friend made it for me. She didn't know what else to do for me while I'm grieving. So she made me this with his name & birth date on it and the therapist was pleasantly excited that I already had a necklace! She then asked if she could take a look at it & she loved that my friend included his birth stone & an angel wing charm on it!
I told her that I had another friend text me one day. Saying she had made something for me. To my surprise it was a painting of a light house & how she had added all of the little details about his birthday, weight & size to the picture. And my favorite part of it being the definition of a "Safe Harbor" written in the waves!
After I told her what some of you have done for me in the last 6 weeks. The therapist was surprised & commented on "How thoughtful & wonderful" my friends are! She informed me that a lot of the women she works with come to her crying all the time because of the lack of compassion & understanding from their friends & family. But that I am lucky to have such wonderful people in my life!
I fully agree!
And I am sorry I haven't Thank'ed each and everyone one of you personally. But I am grateful. More then you might ever realize. I'm grateful for each & every heartfelt note, letter, meal, flower, text, FB message, phone call, prayer, thought, love & light....EVERYTHING! Thank you!
One of these days I will be able to move forward. With your help, love & support! And Right now, I'm taking it...one step at a time. One day at a time. One moment at a time.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Processing. Please wait....
After last nights parent support group meeting, my brain has so much to download & process.
There was an Art therapist that came & walked us through some of our emotions we are dealing with as grieving parents. To be quite honest, my brain kept shutting off & wondering to somewhere else in time. I found it extremely hard to listen & understand the words coming from her mouth. I would catch myself drifting somewhere & then snap back out of it & be present once again.
I remember her talking about something to do with when you're emotionally traumatized in a sense, your brain throws the events in a space in the brain & we find it hard to process those feelings into words. So through the art process, drawing, scribbling, doodling, etc....we can try to help that part of our brain turn those feelings into something tangible. Something easier for our brains to handle.
We soften the blow of the horrible events that we have had to go through & we can alter the events into something more happy so that we can cope better.
Again...in & out of being in the moment for me...the therapist is now ready to start. We are asked to draw a picture of how we feel about our babies and our connection with them.
I drew a picture of an empty pregnant body. I had to use a navy blue color but I wanted to use black. But couldn't find it in an oil pastel. I then find & grab a black sharpie marker and draw a black baby figure drifting upwards holding onto a blue balloon. The baby figure is reaching out to the pregnant belly. As if it didn't want to go, but HAD too. I couldn't help but cry as I drew the entire time. I just kept thinking of Harbor & how much I just wanted MORE time with him. But that I felt HE was ripped away, all too soon.
That was the end of our 1st step. Which we didn't know was the 1st step.
The therapist then asked us to add something to our pictures that would help make the pictures safer. Draw something that would help make your previous drawing easier to cope with looking at.
Hhhuuuummmmm......now what can I add? I think to myself. This is so hard to draw how I feel. My mind racing through a bunch of different things I could draw. But then it hits me...a light house on the base of the ocean. With a light beacon shinning from within. And I drew a source of light radiating from the Heavens above. I added a dark shaded heart from the womb & a red little heart in the baby's body. To show love for each other.
Now, I'm NO artist. But in this case we didn't need to be. It's about each of our individual experiences & the best way to help ourselves cope.
The therapist then had us stop. She asks us to share with everyone what our drawings say to us.
For me...it's finding refuge in a situation that makes me feel so terribly stuck in a whirlpool. There is nothing I can do to change the outcome. All I can do is fight to stay alive. All I can do is pray to a loving Heavenly Father, whom I know loves me & truly loves Harbor as well. All I can do is try to survive the raging storm & hope that when the rage ends, I will some how be able to pick up the pieces & moving forward to rebuild my life, gracefully.
So I will continue to process the bits & pieces from last nights meeting and try to make sense of this whole ordeal.
There was an Art therapist that came & walked us through some of our emotions we are dealing with as grieving parents. To be quite honest, my brain kept shutting off & wondering to somewhere else in time. I found it extremely hard to listen & understand the words coming from her mouth. I would catch myself drifting somewhere & then snap back out of it & be present once again.
I remember her talking about something to do with when you're emotionally traumatized in a sense, your brain throws the events in a space in the brain & we find it hard to process those feelings into words. So through the art process, drawing, scribbling, doodling, etc....we can try to help that part of our brain turn those feelings into something tangible. Something easier for our brains to handle.
We soften the blow of the horrible events that we have had to go through & we can alter the events into something more happy so that we can cope better.
Again...in & out of being in the moment for me...the therapist is now ready to start. We are asked to draw a picture of how we feel about our babies and our connection with them.
I drew a picture of an empty pregnant body. I had to use a navy blue color but I wanted to use black. But couldn't find it in an oil pastel. I then find & grab a black sharpie marker and draw a black baby figure drifting upwards holding onto a blue balloon. The baby figure is reaching out to the pregnant belly. As if it didn't want to go, but HAD too. I couldn't help but cry as I drew the entire time. I just kept thinking of Harbor & how much I just wanted MORE time with him. But that I felt HE was ripped away, all too soon.
That was the end of our 1st step. Which we didn't know was the 1st step.
The therapist then asked us to add something to our pictures that would help make the pictures safer. Draw something that would help make your previous drawing easier to cope with looking at.
Hhhuuuummmmm......now what can I add? I think to myself. This is so hard to draw how I feel. My mind racing through a bunch of different things I could draw. But then it hits me...a light house on the base of the ocean. With a light beacon shinning from within. And I drew a source of light radiating from the Heavens above. I added a dark shaded heart from the womb & a red little heart in the baby's body. To show love for each other.
Now, I'm NO artist. But in this case we didn't need to be. It's about each of our individual experiences & the best way to help ourselves cope.
The therapist then had us stop. She asks us to share with everyone what our drawings say to us.
For me...it's finding refuge in a situation that makes me feel so terribly stuck in a whirlpool. There is nothing I can do to change the outcome. All I can do is fight to stay alive. All I can do is pray to a loving Heavenly Father, whom I know loves me & truly loves Harbor as well. All I can do is try to survive the raging storm & hope that when the rage ends, I will some how be able to pick up the pieces & moving forward to rebuild my life, gracefully.
So I will continue to process the bits & pieces from last nights meeting and try to make sense of this whole ordeal.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
ANTICIPATION
The anticipation is killing me. Today is the 1st time my husband & I get to go to our support group meeting for parents of babies whom have passed.
I suppose I am nervous about what is going to happen. How I am going to feel? How is my husband going to feel? Is it going to be helpful for the BOTH of us? Is this meeting going to stir up feelings I have been trying to push aside & not deal with? Am I going to be a big blubbering idiot that whole time?
All I know is that feeling depressed isn't how I want to keep living. I can't keep doing/acting the way I have been. My lack of interest in anything & everything isn't okay. I have 4 other kids to: teach, love, take care of, nurture, inspire, etc. I can't just give up.
Oh how easy it would be to just give up. I have struggled with depression almost all my life. As a teenager I actually attempted suicide on numerous occasions. At 1 point I was in a mental hospital for a month due to repeated, unsuccessful, suicidal attempts. I was really depressed then, a lot like I am now. But thankfully I have learned the coping skills I need to make sure that I don't get to that point again. It is a daily choice I have to make & Some days are definitely harder then others.
Harbor's death has been challenging to not repeat my past behaviors. I want to be happy, healthy and productive in my life! I do. I really do. But it is hard to continue on in life, when you feel as though part of you died, the same time your baby did. It's a constant battle between Heaven & Earth. I would miss out on everything my 4 older child do, say or go through, here on Earth. But I am also missing out on so much as well without Harbor here too.
The anticipation is killing. The anticipation of waiting to leave this Earthly world so I can snuggle my little boy. To see him happy, healthy & smiling! To have him cuddle my neck with his little arms! To hear him say "Momma!" Or anything thing for that matter! To see what color is hair would be or his eyes! Would he have his Momma's eyes, bright & blue as the oceans water? Or would he be our 1st baby to have his Daddy's deep Honey brown eyes, that I love so very much?
Today....the anticipation of everything, is eating at my very existence.
I suppose I am nervous about what is going to happen. How I am going to feel? How is my husband going to feel? Is it going to be helpful for the BOTH of us? Is this meeting going to stir up feelings I have been trying to push aside & not deal with? Am I going to be a big blubbering idiot that whole time?
All I know is that feeling depressed isn't how I want to keep living. I can't keep doing/acting the way I have been. My lack of interest in anything & everything isn't okay. I have 4 other kids to: teach, love, take care of, nurture, inspire, etc. I can't just give up.
Oh how easy it would be to just give up. I have struggled with depression almost all my life. As a teenager I actually attempted suicide on numerous occasions. At 1 point I was in a mental hospital for a month due to repeated, unsuccessful, suicidal attempts. I was really depressed then, a lot like I am now. But thankfully I have learned the coping skills I need to make sure that I don't get to that point again. It is a daily choice I have to make & Some days are definitely harder then others.
Harbor's death has been challenging to not repeat my past behaviors. I want to be happy, healthy and productive in my life! I do. I really do. But it is hard to continue on in life, when you feel as though part of you died, the same time your baby did. It's a constant battle between Heaven & Earth. I would miss out on everything my 4 older child do, say or go through, here on Earth. But I am also missing out on so much as well without Harbor here too.
The anticipation is killing. The anticipation of waiting to leave this Earthly world so I can snuggle my little boy. To see him happy, healthy & smiling! To have him cuddle my neck with his little arms! To hear him say "Momma!" Or anything thing for that matter! To see what color is hair would be or his eyes! Would he have his Momma's eyes, bright & blue as the oceans water? Or would he be our 1st baby to have his Daddy's deep Honey brown eyes, that I love so very much?
Today....the anticipation of everything, is eating at my very existence.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Crying. Lots and lots of crying.
3 weeks. How has 3 weeks flown by so quickly? Or hasn't it? Have I just been stuck in that day. The day Harbor was born.
In 4 days my husband & I will attend our 1st ever support group for grieving parents. At 1st I thought this would be really great for my husband but as the day gets nearer, I know that to be utterly wrong. I am the one whom needs it most.
I am completely depressed. I don't sit & cry all day long. (Usually only at night when I'm by myself and everyone is asleep.) But all day long I feel such a heaviness upon me. A dark cloud just looming over head. I just feel like I'm 1 incident away from bawling my eyes out. I feel so lost. I feel so useless. I am so consumed with grief that I just don't know how to move on. Maybe out of fear. Fear of forgetting. Fear of remembering. Fear of hurting forever. I don't know. Maybe all of the above.
Last night "A" was screaming & crying inconsolably. I was literally up almost all night long. Every time I went to sit down while holding him because he had fallen asleep, he could somehow tell & wake screaming once again.
At one point during one of his screaming fits I started to sing to him, to try & comfort him. The song that came to mind was a hymn "Families can be together forever." While singing him this song, I lost it bawling. I couldn't even finish humming the song. One of the lines that stung most was "I have a family here on earth. They are so good to me. I want to share my life with them for all eternity."
I do have most of my family here on earth! Yes they are good to me! And I most definitely want to spend all of eternity with each any everyone of them! But what hurt the most was the realization that Harbor isn't here on earth any more. I sobbed as I held "A" & then the most amazing thing happened.
During the wee hours of the morning while sobbing and trying to console a really unhappy 18 month old...."A" stopped crying & he wrapped his little arms around my neck & hugged me tight. It was like we connected. It was like, Heaven sending me a hug from Harbor through his big brother. A hug so powerful, that it calmed my aching heart. I truly felt as though "A" was trying to tell me that everything is going to be alright. And he didn't even have to say a thing. It was just the most incredible confirmation that I am NOT alone during this grieving process.
In 4 days my husband & I will attend our 1st ever support group for grieving parents. At 1st I thought this would be really great for my husband but as the day gets nearer, I know that to be utterly wrong. I am the one whom needs it most.
I am completely depressed. I don't sit & cry all day long. (Usually only at night when I'm by myself and everyone is asleep.) But all day long I feel such a heaviness upon me. A dark cloud just looming over head. I just feel like I'm 1 incident away from bawling my eyes out. I feel so lost. I feel so useless. I am so consumed with grief that I just don't know how to move on. Maybe out of fear. Fear of forgetting. Fear of remembering. Fear of hurting forever. I don't know. Maybe all of the above.
Last night "A" was screaming & crying inconsolably. I was literally up almost all night long. Every time I went to sit down while holding him because he had fallen asleep, he could somehow tell & wake screaming once again.
At one point during one of his screaming fits I started to sing to him, to try & comfort him. The song that came to mind was a hymn "Families can be together forever." While singing him this song, I lost it bawling. I couldn't even finish humming the song. One of the lines that stung most was "I have a family here on earth. They are so good to me. I want to share my life with them for all eternity."
I do have most of my family here on earth! Yes they are good to me! And I most definitely want to spend all of eternity with each any everyone of them! But what hurt the most was the realization that Harbor isn't here on earth any more. I sobbed as I held "A" & then the most amazing thing happened.
During the wee hours of the morning while sobbing and trying to console a really unhappy 18 month old...."A" stopped crying & he wrapped his little arms around my neck & hugged me tight. It was like we connected. It was like, Heaven sending me a hug from Harbor through his big brother. A hug so powerful, that it calmed my aching heart. I truly felt as though "A" was trying to tell me that everything is going to be alright. And he didn't even have to say a thing. It was just the most incredible confirmation that I am NOT alone during this grieving process.
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