Pandora's Box

What happens after the storm passes?

I am pretty sure it's NOT the same for everyone. The damage and effects that can be ever present after such a horrible storm. You look around and asses the damages. You try to clean up the wreckage.

As Harbor's original due date approaches, I find myself in utter disbelief. You see, nothing can prepare you for the loss of a baby. Or the aftermath of rubble and debris that you will continue to have to sift through for the rest of your life.

As much as I have been trying and praying for another baby to come our way, I was blown away when I took another pregnancy test, on July 9. Normally the past 5 months that I have taken a test, the color changing strip has quickly passed over the 1st line and brightly changed to pink on the second. Indicating that I am NOT pregnant. I would be super disappointed and depressed once again and within the next few days Aunt Flow would pay her monthly visit.

Timing or lack of hormones is what my OB has been thinking. I had her run tests on me to make sure that everything was back to normal. Even know my periods have been all over the place. Spaced so far out that there is NO gauging on "timing." Or when to expect my monthly or every other month-monthly visits. All tests did in fact come back as normal. So I was left to just PRAY, PRAY, PRAY. (Oh and just keep trying.)

Well all of a sudden I had such an overwhelming, powerful feeling that I should take another pregnancy test. Let me tell you just how hard it was for me to convince myself to actually go buy another box of tests. "Knowing" that NOTHING was going to be different. So it didn't matter any ways. Knowing, That after I take this new boughten test, I am just going to start my period again anyways. I debated on waiting until morning to take it since after all, you know...morning pee is the the best. But I figured if disappointment was going to set in, I just wanted to get it over with. So at 7pm I decided that "oh what the heck. I am just going to take it." I go in, pee on the stick and place it on the counter top. I turn my head away as to throw a fit that I am just going to toss it into the garbage angrily any ways so watching it change and skip a line isn't what I wanted to watch. I finish going to the bathroom and then I looked.

Not 1 line....but two this time! Are you freaking kidding me? Is this a joke? Did the asparagus we just ate for dinner have some sort of effect on the test? I can't believe it. I start instantly bawling. "THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU." Is all I can get out of my mouth. I debated on tell my husband right away or waiting. But I run in to the other room where he is watching a tv show. I stand in front of him and show him the test and I just keep bawling. I drop into his arms and just sob. "I am thrilled." I tell him. "But utterly terrified as well. I just don't want to loose this baby too."

It has been a couple of days now since I found out and I haven't told a sole. Other then my dear sweet friend/doula, Laine! I am so scared that something is going to happen again. Afraid that my heart is going to be ripped to pieces again. Uncertain on telling people, because I don't want to disappoint any one else or get their hopes up again for a baby that might not make it. Terrified of the possible outcome. And not being a healthy baby in the end. I want to tell everyone. I am excited. But I don't feel like I will have the Love and support that I would need IF something did happen to happen to this new little "peanut." I want so very badly to be happy and care free again. To not have such worries and fears. To not have such sorrow etched upon my aching heart. I have cried numerous times since finding out. I just want a baby, alive in the end....in my ARMS. I want to hear it cry and scream. I want to hug and kiss this baby so badly, just as I had wanted and still want to with Harbor.

Loosing Harbor has opened my eyes to so much. A world where babies die. A world where life is unfair. A world where moms cry for years on end. A world where grief is ever present. A world where babies don't make it to their due dates and there isn't anything you can do to change the outcome. You have NO choice. It just happens and it can happen more then once to the same person. I know, I have now lost 2 babies.

I told my mom this evening that we are expecting. My mom gave me a hug and asked me if I was ok. I told her "no. I am depressed." She quickly thought that it was due to all my siblings being in town for my little sisters wedding. Our conversation ended and then I followed her down to her room and quietly told her "I am actually expecting again and I am having a hard time being happy. I just don't want to loose another baby." She hugged me as I cried and cried and cried. I told her "I don't know if I should tell anyone or just wait?" She advised me on waiting to tell.

But how long do I wait to tell people? Do I wait until 17weeks and then tell everyone? But what if I had lost Harbor at Birth, would people expect me not to tell them we were expecting again until my next baby was born 'Healthy?'

I mean...I am so torn. I know the impact that Harbor's death had on so many friends and family members...myself and my husband and kids. Do I dare open Pandora's box again?

This has been so hard. I don't feel like I have friends or family members, such as my sisters whom are visiting, to tell them that I am pregnant. They can't even have a conversation with me about Harbor dying. What makes me think..."oh yay...hey sisters...I am pregnant again and I have NO clue if this baby is going to make it to term."

I am so sick of feeling alone. I have felt alone this whole time since Harbor died. Nothing has changed even know I am expecting again. I want to share with my friends whom have lost a baby that we went to our support group with, but I mean, at what point is "Hey we are expecting again" come up in grieving conversations. I don't want to inadvertently hurting someone's feelings. Even know this new baby isn't a 100% guarantee.

I thought life would seem somehow better when we were able to get pregnant again. But unfortunately, life seems to open a whole new can of worms after a loss. I am happy, sad, scared, tired, alone, grieving a baby that I might not ever get to meet, etc. It just doesn't seem to get any better. Sheer terror haunts your every thought. It's like I am grieving 2 babies that have died. Even know this baby is alive at the moment. The emotional roller coaster is hell and it's only been a few weeks.

I have months to go still. Ugh.