Except.....ME!
I have a heaviness that looms about me. That feeling that the other ball is going to drop & everything will be sent back into chaos. My heart is aching bad today. Oh how I just miss my dear Harbor boy.
I was holding & rocking "A" (my 18 month old.) He has a cold. Runny nose & cough & he just feels miserable. All he wants is his momma. So as I was holding him, trying to get him to fall asleep. My mind started wandering. Thoughts like: Oh how I wish this was Harbor's little body, oh how Harbor looked so much like "A" & his profile.
Does this madness ever subside? I'm starting to think it doesn't. I have many Facebook friends whom have posted things this week about "How time doesn't ever take away the pain." 1 particular friend, said that she felt like it was yesterday. Even though it was over 10 yrs ago that she lost her son. Ugh. I don't feel like I will ever shake out of this dark pit of sadness.
I know my husband is still struggling hard. I keep trying to get him to talk to me. I want to know where he's at. I'm starting to feel like we have a wedge between us at the moment. Not that we are fighting & arguing. But just an avoidance of each other, so we won't have to discuss how we are truly feeling or try & have a conversation that is forced because all we can think about is Harbor & talking about anything else takes too much thought & energy.
Neither of us can barely sleep. It's effecting my ability to be a good Home Schooling momma to my 4 older children. My husbands lack of sleep is effecting his ability to perform up to par at work. He is super tired all the time. Falling asleep in his chair shortly after getting home, some days. It's frustrating, because I would like to just go nap. But like I said before, we have 4 older kids to tend too. I don't want to be angry or jealous. I know he works hard for us, so that I can stay at home with our children. But lately I find myself a tad more irritated.
Irritated with my husband, my children, myself & my lack of interest in doing anything. I feel consumed with grief & rightfully so. After all I did give birth to my son & he is no longer here on earth for me to have & hold.
Honestly, I would really love to just not get out of bed in the mornings. I would much rather stay in bed & feel sorry for myself all day. But I have 4 older kids that need mom to: make breakfast, change their diapers, get them their medicine, insist that they get dressed (all the while, I'm still in my PJs until afternoon time), make sure they accomplish some sort of academics for the day, run them to their activities, make them food and break up fights between them.
You wouldn't ever think I would have time during my day to think about Harbor, but it's just the opposite. Every time I do something for or with my older children, Harbor is ALL I can think about. Would I be sitting at the table nursing him while doing school work with my older kids? Would he be a super good sleeper? Would I be holding him all day? What types of food would he like or hate? What would be his favorite toy? What would be his favorite song? Would he enjoy playing the piano like the older boys? How would he fit into our family dynamics? Would "A" smoother him in kisses & ask to hold Harbor all day long? Would the older 4 argue over who gets to hold him?
I swear my brain never stops and I feel totally consumed in the "what ifs?" and other questions.
While the world continues to buzz around me, I feel trapped in a looking glass. Where I can see & hear everyone & everything, but the interaction just isn't there.
Nearly 3 whole weeks since Harbor was born and it truly does feel like yesterday. I hope that I don't feel like this forever. But part of me wants too. So that I don't ever forget him.
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