A Year.

Picture this....

Invitations sent out. Party supplies bought. Presents bought. Your 1st birthday outfit carefully made to match the well thought out theme of your party. Candy bought. Cake smash pictures taken! Just snuggling you as the night winds down. Reminiscing about the joyous day you were born.

Tears start to stream as I realize this isn't how my night is going to play out. None of it. Not one single event from above will ever become my reality.

In reality....

I have boughten an Angel Food Cake mix. Blue frosting. A 1st birthday candle. And 24 balloons to release to my dead son in Heaven. No toys for a baby to play with. No big party to celebrate the life Harbor lived. No cutesy outfit for him to wear. No photos to remember this huge milestone. No snuggly babe to soothe this horrible ache.

A year. A whole entire year has past. I can't believe that a year ago Harbor was born earth side. No breathe of life. No joyous moment. No happy visitors.

I am so torn on how to feel. Grateful for the opportunities and lessons on gratitude. Thankful for another opportunity to have another baby on the way. Hurt and depressed because all I want is to hold Harbor, Sing to him and rock him. Sad that life continues on and mine has stalled.

His birth so fresh once again on my mind. Such a dark day that was. Lonely. Isolating. Pain strickening. A day full of prayers. A day full of deep sorrow. A day full of what if's and lots of unknowns.

A day that could break the strongest of the strong. A day that could drive the weak to the deepest depths of despair. A day you would be haunted by for the rest of your life. Scaring even the boldest of monsters in your nightmares.

Tomorrow may be just another day to others. Tomorrow may be JUST February 12th. But not for me.

"Are there birthdays in Heaven?

Do angels blow their horns?

Announcing to everybody, 

that this is the day you were born?

Can the stars be your balloons

And Angel Food your cake?

Presents wrapped in moonbeams 

All the angels helped to make.

Birthdays mean so much to me

They are always a big deal.

Birthday presents, lots of friends

And perhaps a special meal. 

So I will whisper a little prayer today

Asking everyone up above

To sing you a Happy Birthday song

And give you all my love!" 

Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday Harbor! I love you to the moon and back! Until we meet again, my sweet boy.

Free Agency & It's blessings!

About this time last year, I had gone in for what I thought would be another routine prenatal appointment. Boy was my train derailed when the OB dr I was seeing couldn't find Harbor's heart beat.

Today while at church we were asked a question:

"How is Agency a blessing in our life?"

(If you're not sure what Agency is...as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, we believe that before we came to earth we had a choice. To Follow Satan's plan or Jesus Christ's plan. With Satan's plan we would be forced to do what we do. But with Jesus' plan, we would be able to freely choose choices and hopefully our choices would lead us back to our Heavenly Father.)

So as I sat an pondered on this question. My mind went racing in all sorts of directions.

Harbor has been weighing heavy on my heart and mind these days, as it gets closer to his 1st birthday and closer to his little sister's arrival. I then started thinking back to that day...that day when I was told he no longer was alive.

My OB had to finally talk me through my options as I sat bawling in her office. I had 3 options: #1: I could choose to have a D&E (basically an abortion, not a choice I was going to make) #2: I could choose to go home and have him naturally (but with a prior loss it took over 6 weeks for my body to actually expel everything, not a good option either) or option #3: be induced and hope and pray that his body would be born in-tacked and whole.

In that moment, I didn't want any of those options. I wanted my son back. I wanted his heart to be beating and for the Dr to be wrong. I was in denial. Shock. Disbelief.

I made a hard decision to be induced. Even with the possibilities and doubt from the Drs. I felt it in my heart it was the right thing for me to do in this situation. Labor lasted just over 7 hours. But he was born. Fully in-cased in his bag of waters. Protected and whole! The events after weren't what I would wish on my worst enemy.

To hold your limp, lifeless son in your hands. To cry uncontrollably for hours and pray that that child would just breath. Just 1 cry. Something. Silence can be powerful. Pain strickening. Unbearable.

I have never felt anything more powerful in my life, then that night Harbor was born. I felt the angels from Heaven so incredibly close that night. I knew a force more powerful then anything earthly was carrying me through those 1st few hours. I can't even describe it. It was overpowering.

Now...I know you are probably wondering what all of this has to do with the question above:

"How is Agency a blessing in our life?"

Let me tell you. For me, being able to have options to choose from was a huge blessing in my life! I had my Free agency to choose whether or not to see my son. No matter the outcome from his birth. Because of this CHOICE I was able to hold and look at and admire in aw at his tiny features. I was able to take pictures that I cherish far more then anything.

No. I didn't have my free agency to choose whether Harbor lived or died. But I did get to use my agency on how he was born. And in my case, it was for the better.

I am grateful for the many blessings, people & friends, I have met and the lessons I have learned, of just how precious this life is. These things came along with the hardship I have endured, with the loss of my son.

Without my free agency of how Harbor was born, I could have been forced to have a D&E. That would have haunted me more so, the rest of my life. I wouldn't have been able to see or hold Harbor. I would have been robbed of the opportunities and memories that have come with his birth. Some good, some bad. I would have been left feeling more empty. More confused. More scared. More hurt.

But with my Agency, I have been blessed with closure. A better understanding. A piece of mind that helps me get through my days without him here.

No, I might never "get over" his death. I may never stop grieving. But I am more grateful for my opportunities to choose...in all circumstances.

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This week is harder for me already. Just knowing that I have made it nearly a whole year without my son here, kills me inside. The sister at church that gave our lesson also talked about "The Dash".

She read a short story or poem about The Dash. It talks about when someone dies and their tombstone says something like, 04/28/83- 09/17/13. How friends and family are the only ones left to KNOW just what that Dash meant in their loved ones life.

As she read this...I started bawling. (Pregnancy hormones, possibly.) but I started thinking about Harbor's Dash. He doesn't necessarily have a Dash. His birthdate is after his death date. Think about it. His death date is on about February 7, 2014 but his birthdate is on February 12, 2014. So his numbers on a tombstone would look like this: 02/12/14-02/07/14. Crazy & Confusing.

For a baby that is lost while inside their Momma's, there isn't always a Dash. But even without a dash, Harbor's life meant something to me. To my husband. To my other 4 living children. To some friends and family members. And that is something truly amazing! Some people are just special enough to grace this world long enough to make an impact that they didn't even need a whole Dash to define them or to mean something more!

My Pregnancy After Loss Bill of Rights

(http://www.pregnancyafterlosssupport.com/pregnancy-loss-bill-rights/)

1) I have the right to grieve my child or children that have died and/or the previous pregnancies I have lost. I have the right to be sad about my loss(es) during my current pregnancy.

2) I have the right to be scared, anxious and afraid. I already know what it is like to lose. I know how it feels to have the “It will never happen to me” actually happen to me. I have already had the worst happen, and I know it could happen again. Please don’t diminish my reality by diminishing my fears.

3) I have the right to receive support. I need it now more than ever. Especially from my family, friends, other bereaved and PAL moms, mental health providers, and my pregnancy care team.

4) I have the right to seek reassurance from others when needed. I also have the right to turn down reassurance that others give me that I did not ask for and do not want to hear or believe at this time.

5) I have the right to be believed by health care providers. I am the expert on my body, my baby, and this pregnancy, and my concerns should and will be taken seriously. If they are not taken seriously, I can and will find a doctor or midwife who will respect my experience and expertise of knowing myself and listen to my needs.

6) I have the right to plan for and have the birth experience I choose. Be it a at home, hospital, or C-section birth, I have the right to plan and hope for the birth experience that I will find the most healing. I understand firsthand that life doesn’t always go according to plans, but I still have the right to plan for things being different this time.

7) I have the right to not attend baby showers, birthday parties, holidays and any other events that are triggering for me. Declining an invitation to a baby shower during my pregnancy after loss is not self-centered or rude; it’s called self-preservation, which we all have a right to want and enact during our pregnancy after loss.

8) I have the right to feel joy and hope for this new life I carry inside of me. I am free to hope that this child will bring me some sense of healing and joy back into my life.

9) I have the right to NOT be okay. I have been through one of the worst experiences a person can go through; I have lost a child and the mothering of that child. Because of this I have earned the right to not be alright during this pregnancy after loss. If someone has a problem with that, then they might not be someone that can be in my life right now.

10) I have the right to remember my child(ern) that died and/or the previous pregnancy I have lost. Just because I am expecting again does not mean I have stopped grieving all that I have lost.

11) I have the right to celebrate or not celebrate this pregnancy. Pregnancy after loss is hard. It might be the hardest thing I have ever done after losing my child. I have the right to be confused about the dance of joy and grief that continually flows through me as I expect new life while grieving another.
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I really needed to read this right now. To feel validated in this whole process.

This evening Nathan and I took the tour of the hospital that we plan on delivering in. It's a very nice hospital. I was extremely impressed. After having 5 babies in 4 different hospitals we have seen and experienced some crummy care, but also experienced some good care.

The main reasoning for attending this tour was to try to overcome some of our PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) from Harbor's birth and death. The hardest part of our tour was when we were taken into the Labor and Delivery Room. The feelings of such sadness and sorrow filled us both as we faced the baby warmer, once again. You see...the baby warmer has been a memory of joy and happiness before. Drs, nurses and The proud daddy swoon over a screaming, crying, newly born babe. But with Harbor's birth, it was a different experience. It was an eerie silence that filled the delivery room. There were many, many tears. But it wasn't from a newly born babe. The warmer that once held such a joyful memory, is now tainted. Nathan quickly grabbed my hand and squeezed hard. As he looked over at the empty warmer. He was feeling overwhelmed with emotions as we both tried to hold back tears, as not to frighten a room full of expecting couples that joined us on this tour.

I know it seems odd or crazy to some of you, but I couldn't help but mention to Nathan as we later talked on our drive home...I wonder how many, if any of those couples, will end up having a Stillborn baby? How naive these couples were. (I told him.) I  wish I could go back to that point in time. Where I didn't have fear. Where I didn't think anything could possibly happen to my baby and ask seemingly "stupid" questions, like..."how soon after I get to the hospital can I have an epidural? Do you ever run out of birthing balls?"

It's so much harder this time around. I have struggled this time around in having faith that this little girl will actually make it here alive. I know I must sound completely insane at times to you. But this is my reality. My life has been altered. My reality that keeps me grounded...I have built a wall around my heart to protect it from the painful reality that babies die before birth. Without reason. Without any warning. At ANY time. At ANY gestation. No one is exempt. And just because we have experienced 2 losses now, doesn't mean we are exempt from it happening again. I am trying to keep it real. Not just to those that are reading this, but for myself as well.

I have a few outfits for this baby. But the excitement isn't fully there. No feelings to prepare. No excitement to run out and buy anything for her. It's so weird. Total night and day from how I have acted in the past for all my other babies/pregnancies.

I mainly just pray...I pray that time will hurry up. That the weeks will fly by. I pray that I will some how muster up enough courage and strength to make it through Harbor's 1st Angelversery in 2 weeks. I pray that, every week at every appointment, we will hear his little sister's heart beating. I pray that my health issues will remain small and not escalate to a state of emergency. I pray that when she comes, my heart can heal enough to open up and embrace this little girl with all my heart and soul. And that Nathan can heal to some degree as well. This hasn't been an easy road. But I am grateful for the friends and family that have been supportive every step of the way.

The Power of a Single Balloon

I am currently 14weeks pregnant with this new baby. I find as I get closer to the same gestation that Harbor passed away, my fears have over come me. 1 minute I feel pregnant. The next, I think, what if....this baby has died too. What if...I am once again carrying on to hope, but I will be crushed again my next appointment. What if...I make it past 15-16weeks, but this baby dies at 18 weeks?

I want this baby so badly. I want to be past this time frame of pure fear. I want reassurance that I'm not investing once again, whole heartedly, only to have it ripped away. I can't even handle that thought. I know my children couldn't handle it either.

A few days ago I decided that we needed to have pictures taken of my children with their cousins on my husbands side. (Since we are planning on moving out of state, opportunities for group photos won't be available for a while.) So everyone met up in coordinating outfits, they all looked so cute! I decided that I wasn't going to ask anyone, that I was just going to go with what I wanted. I brought a single yellow balloon and had 1 of my kids hold it, in every photo that was taken. This single balloon represented Harbor and that he still has a place in our family. I know some of the family members didn't look so thrilled about it. But for me, it means the world! And that is priceless! My older children love having "Harbor's balloon" in their pictures! This isn't the 1st time we have used this concept. On Easter, shortly after Harbor past, I took a photo of my children dressed up for Easter! All in matching lavender purple! So Harbor's balloon was the same lavender purple as well!

I have been struggling for the past month or so. Its crazy and unexpected, at least for me. That being pregnant again, has been so difficult. I chose to try again, so soon. I know that. I knew going into this pregnancy that I would have struggles, but never did I imagine I would be so torn. So emotional. So worried. So frightened. So confused. So perplexed. I didn't realize the impact it would have on my older living children as well.

That night we had pictures done...my dear sweet daughter, "S", came sobbing to me shortly after getting home. She told me, "I miss Harbor, so much." I held her for a while and told her I miss him too and that I don't understand either, why some babies have to die. But that I have faith, that our loving Heavenly Father has a plan for each and everyone of us. And that he has a wonderful plan for Harbor's life as well. "S" asked if we could write a message to Harbor on his balloon and send it off to him! I thought it was a wonderful idea! All 6 of us took a turn writing him a note on his balloon! We took it outside at nearly 10pm, kissed his balloon and sent it off to Harbor in Heaven!

Antibiotics.

Having a hard time swallowing the news from today's Genetics phone appointment. There's a possibility that the antibiotics I took before, during and after Harbor's death...might be the reasoning for his untimely death. Even know I followed my Drs advice and took them, I still can't help but feel responsible. My husband says I'm not to blame, but i failed to do the 1 job I could have done...keeping him safe.

6 months he's been gone. My heartaches so badly tonight. I'm so sorry, Harbor, my love.

6 months.

On August 12, You would be 6 months old. Learning to crawl. Learning to sit up. You'd probably have teeth and eat bites of food off my dinner plate. 6 months since you came into my life and stole pieces of my heart. 6 months without you here. 6 months has never been so short but felt so long all at the same time.

Harbor~

Not a day goes by that you aren't a thought in my mind or brought up in a conversation. You are every bit apart of my life. Now. And forever.

I announced to friends and family via facebook that we are expecting again. I want others to know that you aren't being replaced. But that in fact your place in our family is very much yours...FOREVER. No one can fill your shoes. No one can fill the void in my heart where you belong. I guess, I want to make sure that you aren't forgotten. That your short life holds a purpose and that there was a reason behind why you had to leave so soon.

As your little brother or sister is growing, my fears and anxiety that they will leave me too, grows. I wish that I could some how just forget that loosing you was and is so hard. I wish joy would fill me once again. I wish that I would have been granted another story, one with a happy ending...that included you in it. One where I would get to see your beautiful face. See you smile. Watch you grow. Hear you laugh. A story that didn't have to end 6 months ago. Leaving its reader...me...hanging on. Wishing that the story never ended. Wishing the story still continued. But it's as though someone has borrowed your book of life and ripped out the final chapters. I am left to pick up the pieces and figure out the ending. Or make it up as I go.

So for now...happy 6 month angelversery! I love you so very much son!

Love~ Mommy

My Due Date

Today is the day I so highly looked forward too. A day marked on the calendar since November 2013. A day that was suppose to be filled with joy & happiness. A day where friends & family would have gathered together to congratulate us, rejoice with us & offer us up their blessings. Oooooing and aaaaahhhhing over each perfectly formed little feature. Today was planned out so differently, in my mind.

I had envisioned a day where I was ripe with life. A day where I was so uncomfortable but excited. I would have been filled with so much excitement, everyone would have known. My bags would have been packed. Clothing carefully picked with the anticipation of the individual that was suppose to fill them. A day filled with photos! Tons and tons of photos. Tears. Joy. Sweet relief & Lots of LOVE.

But reality is...my heart is broken...my arms are empty...and today has played out so very very differently. As grateful as I am for the children I have been blessed with...I long for a few extra moments with the son I never got to know. The son that I had to say "Good bye" too, before I ever got to say "Hello" too.

Today is another reminder of what I am missing out on. A reminder of all that could of been and should have been. A day of sadness, sorrow, heart ache and tears. Oh how I wish today could have turned out differently.

Harbor Reed, I love you more then life itself. I love you to infinity and beyond. I hope today you are surrounded by angels that cuddle you and tell you stories about me, until I get to see you and hold you again. I love you my dear sweet boy! Eternity can't come soon enough.

Pandora's Box

What happens after the storm passes?

I am pretty sure it's NOT the same for everyone. The damage and effects that can be ever present after such a horrible storm. You look around and asses the damages. You try to clean up the wreckage.

As Harbor's original due date approaches, I find myself in utter disbelief. You see, nothing can prepare you for the loss of a baby. Or the aftermath of rubble and debris that you will continue to have to sift through for the rest of your life.

As much as I have been trying and praying for another baby to come our way, I was blown away when I took another pregnancy test, on July 9. Normally the past 5 months that I have taken a test, the color changing strip has quickly passed over the 1st line and brightly changed to pink on the second. Indicating that I am NOT pregnant. I would be super disappointed and depressed once again and within the next few days Aunt Flow would pay her monthly visit.

Timing or lack of hormones is what my OB has been thinking. I had her run tests on me to make sure that everything was back to normal. Even know my periods have been all over the place. Spaced so far out that there is NO gauging on "timing." Or when to expect my monthly or every other month-monthly visits. All tests did in fact come back as normal. So I was left to just PRAY, PRAY, PRAY. (Oh and just keep trying.)

Well all of a sudden I had such an overwhelming, powerful feeling that I should take another pregnancy test. Let me tell you just how hard it was for me to convince myself to actually go buy another box of tests. "Knowing" that NOTHING was going to be different. So it didn't matter any ways. Knowing, That after I take this new boughten test, I am just going to start my period again anyways. I debated on waiting until morning to take it since after all, you know...morning pee is the the best. But I figured if disappointment was going to set in, I just wanted to get it over with. So at 7pm I decided that "oh what the heck. I am just going to take it." I go in, pee on the stick and place it on the counter top. I turn my head away as to throw a fit that I am just going to toss it into the garbage angrily any ways so watching it change and skip a line isn't what I wanted to watch. I finish going to the bathroom and then I looked.

Not 1 line....but two this time! Are you freaking kidding me? Is this a joke? Did the asparagus we just ate for dinner have some sort of effect on the test? I can't believe it. I start instantly bawling. "THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU." Is all I can get out of my mouth. I debated on tell my husband right away or waiting. But I run in to the other room where he is watching a tv show. I stand in front of him and show him the test and I just keep bawling. I drop into his arms and just sob. "I am thrilled." I tell him. "But utterly terrified as well. I just don't want to loose this baby too."

It has been a couple of days now since I found out and I haven't told a sole. Other then my dear sweet friend/doula, Laine! I am so scared that something is going to happen again. Afraid that my heart is going to be ripped to pieces again. Uncertain on telling people, because I don't want to disappoint any one else or get their hopes up again for a baby that might not make it. Terrified of the possible outcome. And not being a healthy baby in the end. I want to tell everyone. I am excited. But I don't feel like I will have the Love and support that I would need IF something did happen to happen to this new little "peanut." I want so very badly to be happy and care free again. To not have such worries and fears. To not have such sorrow etched upon my aching heart. I have cried numerous times since finding out. I just want a baby, alive in the end....in my ARMS. I want to hear it cry and scream. I want to hug and kiss this baby so badly, just as I had wanted and still want to with Harbor.

Loosing Harbor has opened my eyes to so much. A world where babies die. A world where life is unfair. A world where moms cry for years on end. A world where grief is ever present. A world where babies don't make it to their due dates and there isn't anything you can do to change the outcome. You have NO choice. It just happens and it can happen more then once to the same person. I know, I have now lost 2 babies.

I told my mom this evening that we are expecting. My mom gave me a hug and asked me if I was ok. I told her "no. I am depressed." She quickly thought that it was due to all my siblings being in town for my little sisters wedding. Our conversation ended and then I followed her down to her room and quietly told her "I am actually expecting again and I am having a hard time being happy. I just don't want to loose another baby." She hugged me as I cried and cried and cried. I told her "I don't know if I should tell anyone or just wait?" She advised me on waiting to tell.

But how long do I wait to tell people? Do I wait until 17weeks and then tell everyone? But what if I had lost Harbor at Birth, would people expect me not to tell them we were expecting again until my next baby was born 'Healthy?'

I mean...I am so torn. I know the impact that Harbor's death had on so many friends and family members...myself and my husband and kids. Do I dare open Pandora's box again?

This has been so hard. I don't feel like I have friends or family members, such as my sisters whom are visiting, to tell them that I am pregnant. They can't even have a conversation with me about Harbor dying. What makes me think..."oh yay...hey sisters...I am pregnant again and I have NO clue if this baby is going to make it to term."

I am so sick of feeling alone. I have felt alone this whole time since Harbor died. Nothing has changed even know I am expecting again. I want to share with my friends whom have lost a baby that we went to our support group with, but I mean, at what point is "Hey we are expecting again" come up in grieving conversations. I don't want to inadvertently hurting someone's feelings. Even know this new baby isn't a 100% guarantee.

I thought life would seem somehow better when we were able to get pregnant again. But unfortunately, life seems to open a whole new can of worms after a loss. I am happy, sad, scared, tired, alone, grieving a baby that I might not ever get to meet, etc. It just doesn't seem to get any better. Sheer terror haunts your every thought. It's like I am grieving 2 babies that have died. Even know this baby is alive at the moment. The emotional roller coaster is hell and it's only been a few weeks.

I have months to go still. Ugh.

1 week...7 days...168 hours...

As the days have turned to weeks & weeks have turned to months...my love for you Harbor Reed, only deepens. My heart ache at times, so unbearable. Today would have marked 39 weeks. But unfortunately, it's been 20+ weeks without you here. Oh how I have missed you dearly son.

When will this sorrow and longing to hold you, get easier?

Not a moment of my day goes by without you being spoke of or thought of.

It's so hard to watch all my friends have their babies or get ready to meet their babies. We were all due about the same time.

Tonight I am just missing the joy of getting to hold you.

Tonight I am saddened by the thought of your due date coming & going. Then the major holidays that I was anticipating spending with you, in them, are quickly approaching. Life has become one big blur, filled with emptiness and deep thoughts.

Absent...

If you haven't noticed...I have been absent for a while. My last entry I was contemplating on where to go or what to do. Last time I wrote, I didn't want to go to my Oasis in the Desert.

I started my trip off with a 3 day weekend trip to the Ocean. We meet up with some old friends and their kids. We camped out next to the beach and had a blast.

Long story, short....I had a bad feeling that something bad happened back at home. Since my cell phone doesn't work on the beach I decided to load us all up and leave for home a day early. Upon our arrival at home, my mom informs me that my husband had come home the night before us because his Grandpa was on his death bed and not expected to live through the night.

We decided that we couldn't change the outcome of Grandpa's death. So I loaded the family up and we drove to my Uncles farm any ways. That turned out to be the best thing I could have done for my family. The 1st real day we spent together my Aunt and I drove into town to do her bi-weekly shopping trip. It was so nice to be able to go out to lunch and grocery shop together. Especially, the conversation! That would be my favorite part! I got to share some of our experience about Harbor's untimely death and in return I learned that my Aunt had also lost a baby about the same exact gestation as Harbor. She got to share with me her story & it was so nice to know that she knew exactly how I have felt.

We got to relax! We hiked hidden caves! We got to visit an Indian museum! We also got to go to our 1st Rodeo! It was such a wonderful time....had by all!

When I got home, I just wanted to turn around and just go back. But this time for good. But unfortunately I couldn't. So we are back home, getting finishing touches ready for my little sisters wedding. 2 days and she will be officially married!

The past month has been such a whirlwind of emotions for me. It's not getting any easier for me either with all my siblings here.

Silence is Golden.

There is so much going on in my head. It's as if someone has turned on multiple radio stations at the same time. I can't seem to think straight. My focus is so far gone. I just want to be freed from this constant chattering.

At times, I can tune in clearly to 1 single station. When I do, I find:

Negativity. Unkind thoughts. Self doubt. Self worth. To do lists. Complaints. Arguments with myself. Indecisiveness. Questions. Confusion. Anger. Conversations. Soul searching & Why me's.

As you can see, I can't seem to make sense of my own self. So I definitely don't expect anyone else to understand me either.

A friend of mine, keeps thinking I might be upset or angry with her. Afraid that she has hurt my feelings by something she might have done or said.

Truth be told....ABSOLUTELY NOT.

I have hit a wall with the world. I don't want to be around any one. I don't want to talk to any one. I just want to be in a quiet place, undistracted by any one or anything. I want to calm my own thoughts. I want to feel in control of ME, before returning to life & others. Some people might call it Depression & try to force meds down my throat. But honestly, I just need to work through this 1st year, of ALL the 1st (Holidays, due dates, birthdays, etc.) without Harbor here.

Every year my husband takes off to Girls Camp (it's a camp just for the 12-18yr old girls. They do ropes courses, 1st aid, hiking, outdoorsy stuff, etc.) for our church. He helps maintain fire wood, helps where needed, man stuff...you know. So every year while he is gone I take my kids to my Uncles Farm. My absolute favorites' spot in this world. It's remote, calm, laid back, my children run free to explore this world and all it holds, I get to just sit & relax, enjoying my whole week to myself with the great company of my Aunt & Uncle and I am always sad when we have to leave.

It. Is. My. Oasis!

But this year it's different. This year I can't bring myself to go. I just can't.

Don't get me wrong. It's just....I need to remove myself from the world. I need to find myself. I need to tune into each and every station, individually and listen quietly. I then, need to sort it out & work through it.

Cry it out. Yell it out. Write it out. Just figure it out.

I don't want to have to entertain any one or be entertained. I am really hating small talk or chit-chatting. I have been easily frustrated by nonsense. Irritated by loudness. Annoyed by a dirty house & lack of respect. My list can go on.

Can someone please send me away for a major Time-Out? Please!!!

"Duct tape is Silver. But Silence is Golden!"

Now if I could only use Duct tape to silence my thoughts! That would be helpful!

No Voice.

I can speak. I can articulate what I have to say quite well for someone whom at 1 point was deemed as a High School delinquent. But when it comes to being able to talk to someone in my own family about how I feel or what is going on in my thoughts...I can't seem to muster out one single word.

Unfortunately, that is the honest truth.

So I will continue to share here, openly, on MY blog.

With that being said. My little sister has been home for a month now, from her 18 month mission, serving for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. She is officially engaged to be married. The date has been set for July 16. As in less then 6 weeks from now. As in about a week before I would have been due with Harbor.

Life is busy and buzzing with Wedding planning and....oh yeah, we are planning on moving out of state before the summer is up as well. So if life wasn't stressful before, now add 2 huge life changing events in the mix as well. Somedays I don't know how I keep my composure. While other days, aren't as composed.

This week has been hard. We have now crossed over the 16 week mark of Harbor's death. He was on Earth growing for 16 weeks and now he has been GONE for just as long...plus a few days.

I have tried to honor him this week by going out and purchasing a window decal that I had specially made just for him! It is feet print with Angel wings and has his name and birthdate on it. Only down fall...I don't have a car to put it on. You see. The car I drive, belongs to my parents and when I mentioned possibly putting it on the back window, my mom, wasn't too happy about the idea.

Disappointment...to say the least.

Back to planning Wedding crap. I have ZERO desire to help with a Wedding. When I got engaged, we were married within 2 weeks. I just wanted it over and done with. I just don't understand all the hoopla over a DAY. Call me crazy. But it is...just another day.

Apparently 8 out of the 9 siblings will be in town for the Wedding. Oh poor pregnant sister if mine that can't make it. Is all I keep hearing. The comment of "Oh poor...(sisters name whom I shall keep nameless) can't come out for the wedding because she is due in September."

I swear if I hear that phrase one more time I am gunna snap. "Oh poor pregnant sister." What's the problem with her being pregnant? I mean...hell. I never once heard "Oh poor Robin, her baby died."

I wish I had an excuse as good enough as that, to miss our baby sisters wedding. There is absolutely NO reason why anyone should be pitty-partying my pregnant sister.

I am extremely bitter this evening just thinking about EVERY sibling being here and wanting to be here for the Wedding and just how alone I have felt after loosing Harbor. No one came out for me. What the freaking hell? I just don't get it. I don't even have support from the 1 person I crave it the most from...MY MOM.

After we found out that Harbor had died, my mom was the 1st person I told. I called home to tell my husband (because we live with my parents) and my mom answered and sensed something was wrong and asked me what was going on. I remember telling her "They can't find a heart beat. They can't find a heart beat." All the while, sobbing uncontrollably hard.

2 weeks after Harbor was born, is when my mom realized we had taken pictures of Him. I was telling her about when my in-laws had come over and how my mother-in-law asked to see pictures of Harbor. She said "How come I haven't seen them?" I replied "because you didn't ask." I feel like....only sharing him with others, if they truly ask and WANT to see them. It's not something I am gunna bring up in a conversation. Like..."Oh my son died. I have 300 pictures of him. Would you like to see them?" If you know about him and would like to see him. Ask!

I have only shared Harbor's pictures with a handful of people. His photos are one of my most precious and sacred treasures.

I am having a hard time with the thought of ALL (minus 1) of my siblings being here in town. Why? Because I want so badly for someone to reach out and just HUG ME. I mean, utterly and truly, HUG ME.  As in a heartfelt, I'm here for you. I'm sorry for your loss, kind of hug. Not just the...Hi, I haven't seen you in a couple of years...it's nice to see you, hug.

But I have to keep reminding myself...this time...this get together...it's not about ME. It is about our baby sister that is getting married. That's all.

I know I sound self-absorbed and like a 2 yr old. But right this minute, I really don't care. I AM HURTING AND I feel so alone. I think sometimes, had I held a funeral for Harbor, would have ANYONE even shown up for it? Would siblings, family members or friends show up? I doubt it. That's why I chose NOT too. I wish I would have. I would have held a funeral if it was for ANY other one of my older children. So why didn't I do it for my baby boy?

I am struggling with the fact that we might NOT be able to get pregnant again. That Harbor is, quite possibly our last baby. Since his birth, I have had 2 periods. Super far spaced out. Like 40+ days apart. I have always been 28 days between periods,  on the dot, from the moment I started as a teen. Even after EVERY baby. Including our loss of Jamie in 2004. I had Jamie, then had 1 normal period and got pregnant with our daughter. Even after a year of absents due to nursing. From the moment of the 1st period starting back up, it was like....Clock work. Normal. Every 28 days.

From all my internet searching this is NOT normal. I have contacted my OB/GYN and I'm waiting to hear back from them on possibly testing to make sure that I am ovulating and that everything else is as it should be. I am just petrified that something might be wrong and that my body is now out of whack and we won't be able to add to our family. We have always wanted more children. Even while we were pregnant with Harbor we had talked about having more. So internally I am freaking out. I'm sure it's probably some hormonal issue and I'm praying that's the case and that it's an easy fix.

But deep down inside...fear has conquered, raised it's flag and set up camp. I have: Fear of the unknown. Fear of the future. Fear of letting go. Fear of forgetting. Fear of moving forward. Just....FEAR.

I did meet with my therapist this week and she was helpful. I feel horrible that my hour session turned into 1 hour plus 45 extra minutes. Oops! I apologized to her, but she was so sweet and said that it was fine. Thankfully NO one was waiting to be seen after me. Otherwise I would have felt even worse.

She found it interesting that I can OPENLY and honestly share my feelings....My needs.....My wants.....My fears.....My sorrow......My jealousy....My resentments....My thoughts....MY VOICE.

She was trying to help me figure out WHY I can be so expressive and easily share MY journey through our loss on my BLOG.

But...with my family....with my friends...IN PERSON....I freeze up. I am at loss for words. I can't freely share my pain and grief or give an honest answer to the daily question of..."How are you doing?" That automatic response just flows so freely off my tongue..."I'm ok."

I'm NOT ok. Far from it most days. I have just cried for the last hour before writing this post. I have been pretty sad today and after reading the poem below I cried even harder.

Here it is:

"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and tell them about you. But since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?" ~Author Unknown

I hope that in time....I will find my voice and share all that I have endured with those that are willing to listen.

Until then...I will continue writing.

Sticks and stones...

'Sticks and stones, may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.'

Oh how I wish that this childhood jingle could ring true all the time. But unfortunately, that wasn't the case, this time. Definitely easier said then done. For sure.

While on a Return to Zero the movie forum on Facebook this afternoon a conversation came up. It was a quote from the movie. It was the scene where Maggie & her mom were having a conversation and her mom told her she had had a "miscarriage" before she had gotten pregnant with Maggie. Maggie is shocked that she hadn't heard of her moms loss until now.

Here is the dialogue from that scene:

This was a very profound scene in this movie. It validated so many babies by just stating..."It's still a loss...And it still hurts. It's not just the loss of a baby, it's a loss of a possibility of what might have been-and that is exactly the same."

I have felt this way since back in 2004 when I lost our 1st baby. But as the comments poured in, it was obvious that mothers to Still born babies didn't feel the same way. Some spouted off really mean and hurtful comments. I was so furious that they were belittling MY son. Devaluing his existence because he was born before some "cut-off" date that was placed by some random, rule-maker-person, that believes that babies aren't babies until a certain gestational age.

Justify it however you need to in order to sleep better at night people.

What a load of crap.

So I couldn't take it any more. I broke down and truly had to let these ignorant people know how it is from my point of view. So, I copied my post titled VALUE in their comment section. I felt so much better afterwards. It's so profound and rewarding to see so many people LIKE my comment. It was validation, that I think deep down inside, I truly needed. I am NOT alone and obviously, there are others that feel the same way that I do.

One particular comment afterwards stood out to me and has forever changed my terminology. She was trying to make a point because her baby died 3 days before the "cut-off" date to be considered a Stillborn baby. Instead, her baby was called a "miscarriage." She said she started calling her babies death...an Early Stillborn. I love that.

Saying, Early Stillborn, at least acknowledges that there was in fact a real baby there. Her son, just like MY son...they each had 10 tiny toes. 10 tiny fingers. Ears. Nose. Mouth. Eyes. Etc. They were human beings.

I had to be induced. I had to deliver his body. I had my milk come in as well. I don't understand how others can sit an compare their losses with mine and say such horrible things.

So I will never call Harbor's death a miscarriage or a late term miscarriage...again.

Editing...processing...loading...waiting.............

EARLY STILLBORN.

That is what I will be calling our loss, from now on.

Harbor was Still. Harbor was born. He was a Stillborn baby. HE WAS STILL...BORN.

Jealousy.

The emotion of jealousy comes into play a lot more then I would have ever realized after a loss of a baby.

My emotions have increased and my awareness has heightened. Little things that never would have bothered me....do now.

I am focused....well, maybe just more aware of others and the things they say & do. Wether it is geared towards me or not. I know sometimes I take it personal.

Like this last week, my cousin announced that she was excited because she was having her baby shower. Normally I would be over the moon thrilled for her and any one else I know in this situation. I mean who doesn't LOVE a baby shower? Everyone does! That is....until you have experienced a loss of a baby. My cousin and I were due 1 week apart and it's another reminder that life is moving on....with or without Harbor in it. It makes me so jealous because Harbor was very much wanted.

Another friend of mine is due a week later then Harbor's due date and she has been posting pictures of her ever growing belly. I find myself more depressed and resentful towards her and everyone else I know that is expecting. I don't mean to be. I don't want to be. I just can't seem to help it.

The other night, while at an Ice cream parlor, I went to check my family in and a pregnant lady walked in, in front of me. I wish so bad to have changed places with this woman. I wanted and should have had a belly, big and round. Feeling Harbor wiggling and kicking me.

While out with my husband Saturday Morning, I had a melt down.

I am sad, depressed, jealous and overwhelmed beyond belief. So many friends and family members getting ready to have their baby showers & babies now. Just more hurtful reminders that life is and will continue too move on without Harbor. And there's nothing I can do to change or fix the outcome. It just sucks!

Picking up the pieces.

"It's so hard to see our kids so upset. I just wish I could fix it. But there isn't anything I can do or say to fix it. And that kills me inside." ~me

My friend DVRed Return to Zero the Movie for me. It aired on Lifetime a week ago! So tonight I decided that I was going to go over to her house to watch it. I took along with me: my husband and ALL 4 of our children. I knew there would be scenes where I felt my kids needed to cover their eyes and because I had seen the movie back in March, I could tell them when to do so. 'A' fell asleep quickly once the movie started. Thank goodness. Destruction free. Everyone else's eyes were affixed upon the TV screen.

I had explained to my kids right before we started the movie that this wasn't a happy, ha-ha kind of movie. This was a true story based on a family, who's baby died. Just like ours and that this movie might be difficult to watch. Nobody protested.

We watched as Maggie (played by Minnie Driver) learned that her son Arthur didn't have a heart beat. Oh how fresh that all too familiar phrase was replaying once again in my mind. My heart racing a thousand times faster then normal. The feeling of shock and disbelief, rushing over your whole body. Consuming you with a deep dark grief, that only those that have lived it, truly can understand.

Everyone else was handling the movie so well. At least that is what it seemed. That was until Maggie actually gave birth to Arthur and she's hugging him and crying. 'T' my 11yr old leaned over onto my arm and mustered out..."I can take it any more. I just can't watch it any more." Uncontrollable sobs poured out his eyes. 2 watery cascades of salty tears just flowing like waterfalls. I hugged him tightly and while doing so, I am telling him how much I love him. I tell him how sorry I am for HIS loss. I am sorry there isn't anything that I can do to fix this. After a few minutes, I was able to convince him that the movie does end happier and to finish out the last 15-20 minutes of the movie.

We finished it and headed home. Once at home, everyone quickly changes for bed and I realize 'T' is on the couch. He is crying once again. We talk. We cry. We hug. We laugh. We hug & we cry some more. And an hour later he is finally in bed.

I truly hate that I can't FIX any of this pain or sorrow. For myself. For my husband. For my kids.

The past few months have been extremely emotional for ME. At times I forget that my children are suffering as well. After all they did loose a BABY BROTHER. He died. He isn't coming back. As much as I am hurting over Harbor being gone, I can only imagine how it must feel to lose a baby brother.

How do families pick up the pieces after a loss? How do they glue back the tiny shards of their life, that are all shattered upon the floor? It seems impossible. Grains of sand so fine you can barely see them with the naked eye. But you know there there. You can feel it.

I pray that peace will come unto my family. A peace so powerful and bold, that we will become like an Anchor in that sand.

Strong & Mighty.

 But like that Anchor,  we will become..........UNMOVABLE!

Tangible.

On our last night of our Support Group therapy, it was suggested that we take up and explore other outlets to convey or capture our emotions on our loss.

I have to say that I have been pleasantly surprised with myself on a few attempts so far.

You see...I don't have much to hold on to, in the sense of tangible items to remind me of Harbor. We as humans, seem to think that possessions, help us remember, honor and capture our memories. I have found this to be true on numerous occasions.

Example: when we moved from Colorado to California we had to pack our whole house. Well, in doing so, touching a certain item, triggered certain memories or thoughts. Mostly of good, pleasant, happy moments! But there were some things that triggered unhappy thoughts or memories, as well.

Much like a Hoarder that I have seen on TV shows. The Hoarder has a deep emotional attachment to different items in their house. Causing them to have serious mental, emotional and physical responses to each time. Making it hard to let go of each item.

For me, loosing Harbor at 16 weeks didn't give me many tangible items to remind me of HIM or my pregnancy. Or items to trigger happy, joyous memories that I have spent with HIM.

My grief right now...IS tangible. It is something that I have been holding onto. As sad as that may sound (even to myself.)

His orange blanket...IS tangible. It is something I have and can snuggle with if I wanted too. That HE touched! But the memories associated with his blanket is tainted. Tainted with death. Tainted with sorrow. Tainted with pain. Just tainted.

His Urn...is tangible. As hard as it is, to sit and hold his tiny heart shaped urn. It is also tainted. Tainted with grief. Tainted with guilt for NOT being present at his cremation. Tainted with regrets of NOT having him cremated IN or ON something. Tainted with loss. Tainted with sadness.

My dear sweet neighbor and friend has taken it upon herself to reach out to me during this difficult trial in my life. She has gone above and beyond what a friend or family member would do. She has: written cards, made me a Mother's Necklace with Harbor's a birth date on it, she has driven with me 3 hrs each direction just to see Return To Zero the movie with me. This same friend recently bought and named a Star in honor of Harbor! She has helped me make Harbor's Little Wooden Box a reality.

I love that she has helped me to have positive, happy, joyful tangible items to remind me of my son.

Even with all that my dear sweet friend has done for me to honor him, I still feel so detached from him. So I started dabbling in some art. I started with a drawing and I am very impressed with myself and how it has turned out! Now, I am by NO means a good artist. Unless you qualify stick figures as an artistic ability. Ha! Ha! Ha!

I have also tried my hands at sculpting. I used Model Magic clay because I have sensory issues with Play-doh and mainly because I home school my 4 older children and Model Magic clay is all that we have in our home. So I sat down and tried to create an Angel boy out of this clay. He is kneeling down, sobbing his heart out with his face buried in his hands. He does have wings on his back as well. It's not perfect in any way. But neither am I.

I am grabbing at and trying out ways to process, in ways I never knew existed. I am trying to create Tangible things that remind me of him. That don't send me back to a dark place in my life. I am trying to soften my blow of reality. I am taking hurtful emotions and trying to make them more comfortable to feel, see, process and understand.

I am grabbing at whatever I can that is...TANGIBLE.

GONE.

I would have been 30 weeks pregnant this week. Instead my reality is...it's been 14 long, painful roller coaster filled, emotional jam packed...weeks since Harbor has been gone.

I can't even begin to explain how it feels. I try to explain it, but I don't even think my words make sense anymore. At least not to me.

Harbor has now been gone, nearly as long as he was alive.

(That is the worst sentence I have written in a long time.)

For me it feels as though he died yesterday. Feelings, emotions, visions just as fresh and raw as the day he stole my heart & drifted off to heaven with it.

I don't even know what to say or write anymore. Other then today was another rough day. Milestones that would have been joyous but that are now filled with more disappointment, more sorrow, more grief.

Oh, how I long to cuddle him, look at him and kiss him again. To be granted that dreadfully hard day again, would be much better then the days, weeks and months I have faced since HE has been gone.

Tears fill my eyes as I think about all that seems lost. My hopes, my dreams, my future...all filled with happiness...gone. 14 weeks ago everything seemed alright...now, it's all just gone.

This evening while I was cooking dinner, spaghetti to be exact. My mom asked if there was anything she could do to help. I said we need spaghetti sauce. She brought out the huge jar of Prego sauce that we had used in our Pregnancy Announcement pictures. I debated on telling her the value of this particular jar of sauce and what it meant to me. But who am I kidding? It's spaghetti sauce for crying out loud.

(This was how I told my husband that we were expecting Harbor!)

But I seriously have been holding back the tears since. Who knew something as insignificant as spaghetti sauce could have such a huge impact on me. But it was THE JAR, the one we held in our hands. To announce to the world we were excited and happy to be expecting another child. My mom didn't know or realize, so I'm not upset with her. I'm just sad that that memento is no longer going to be in our pantry. That reminder of Harbor, alive in my tummy,  is gone forever.

Value.

I feel so alone at times on this perpetual grief cycle.

(This is a Grief Wheel)

How hard is it for other people...grieving parents of miscarried babies, late term miscarried babies, Stillborn babies, infant loss babies, aborted babies, etc...to accept that a loss is a loss, no matter how "old" the baby is.

I read a comment today that was written by a mother that lost her baby during her 36th week of pregnancy. She made a comment about how people like me whom have lost a baby before 20 weeks, shouldn't be categorized with grieving parents of a "Stillborn" baby (a baby that dies after the 20th week.) Basically saying that I don't  have the same rights, to mourn as she does.

So I have taken this comment so personal, it astounds me. Why should I mourn the loss of Harbor any LESS then her? Oh because she had more time with her developing baby. Because my heart couldn't possibly have bonded with him as much as she did with her baby.

Harbor had just as much potential as any other child or baby that has died. Why should his death be any different then her babies? Because of a few weeks?

I have many friends whom have "miscarried" multiple babies & yes, everyone mourns differently. I understand that. Everyone's situation is similar, but each story is personally tailored to our own journey through this challenging event. I don't find it appropriate for any one to devalue MY personal feelings on MY loss. We aren't out to one up the other grieving parent. Like it's some sort of competition, as if to say "my son lived longer then your son, so he meant more. Was wanted more. Had more hopes and dreams wanted for them." Seriously?

We should be: kind, loving, caring, compassionate shoulders to cry upon and uplift each other through our darkest hours/days.

Harbor's life was cut short. But he has made such an impacted in so many peoples lives. Especially mine! I will NOT let anyone belittle his life.

"A persons a person, no matter how small." ~Dr. Seuss

Addiction.

Is there such a thing as being addicted to reading other peoples stories of their losses? I would much rather sit and read 20 other peoples stories then sit and watch a movie. I have no desire to focus my attention any where else right now. If this is part of the grieving process, then yay me! If not, I may need help.

I feel that by me reading their stories I am some how validating that their child existed. That they mattered and in return, someday, someone will read through Harbor's story and in doing so, validate HIM as well!

I especially love it when their families have added a photo of their sweet little baby! I pray that at some point I will openly share Harbor's photos. But for now, it is very hard for me to share his photos with family members, let alone the thought of sharing him with the world, through pictures. I suppose my biggest hold up is...fear of people making rude comments or making fun of him. Judging him.

Shortly after Harbor died I came across a blog with a baby about the same gestation as Harbor. This babies family shared photos, sweet, loving photos. Sad, real and devastating personal photos. I read a few comments on that blog and it made me cringe that people can be so mean and hurtful towards this tiny baby's pictures. It made me sick to think that someone might be that mean and rude if I shared Harbor. So for now, he will remain faceless to most of the world.

I especially like reading the blog posts on www.returntozerothemovie.com because it has multiple stories of so many babies that have left this world all too soon. I love that other families are reaching out and trying to break the silence of Miscarriage, Stillborn and infant loss. It is a very difficult decision to speak out and share such personal, heartache and despair with strangers and the world.

Regrets.

I DO have regrets about Harbor's Death.

Regret #1: Complaining about his possible gender.

You see, I have 3 living BOYS and 1 living GIRL. I half jokingly kept telling everyone that if "this" baby (Harbor) was another boy, I got 2 weeks to cry and complain about it and then I had to move on and get over the fact that it was boy #4 for us. I truly regret that statement above and it is probably 1 of my biggest regrets. I hate that I felt so strongly against having "Another" boy. Now I would do just about anything to bring my son back. To just hear him cry, look at me or even just kick me from in utero.

Regret #2: Not having any form of clothing or blanket for him to be cremated in.

There is something comforting to know that when someone dies, that they have clothing on. Not just ANY clothing, but maybe their favorite clothes or some sort of clothing that is special. I could have even settled on a blanket that was hand made with so much love, just for him. But Harbor had NOTHING. It bothers me so much some days. I have made special blankets and clothing for all 4 of my other children. But I didn't have enough time on my hands. And it certainly wasn't the 1st thing that came to mind when we were informed he no longer had a heart beat. Below is a link to an article that makes me so happy! There are people that care and it is amazing! I just wish that Harbor could have had something like this when we died.

http://t.today.com/moms/somebody-cares-donated-wedding-dresses-become-angel-gowns-babies-who-2D79476642

Or you can visit their personal webpage here: http://www.nicuhelpinghands.org/angel-gowns/

Regret #3: Choosing to NOT allow our older children the choice to come see Harbor in person.

The ONLY complaint my 8 yr old daughter had, was NOT being able to hold her baby brother. I think my heart broke into a gazillion pieces more, after hearing her sobbing about it. My husband and I felt at the time we were making the right decision on behalf of our children. We didn't know what the state of Harbor's remains would be in by the time he was born. We didn't even know if an induction was even going to work. We were impending a dreaded doom of a possible D&E (dilate and extract, an abortion process which is inhumane in my personal books and if that were to happen, we wouldn't have been allowed to see him.) We were scared beyond belief and totally unprepared for any of the events we were to go through. So the thought at the time was...it was too hard for US, so it would be even harder for our children. But I think I underestimated my children's need for closure, when Harbor died. I am so sorry kids, that daddy and I had to make such a difficult decision. We love you and wish that things could have played out differently.