A Dose of Reality

Apparently I'm jealous, sad & angry.

My sister-in-law just had her baby yesterday & upon seeing pictures of her new baby boy, I got really upset.

Don't get me wrong. Please.

I am thrilled that her son is born. Alive. I am excited to meet him someday. I even made him a blanket. It's primary colored squares. It's really cute.

But.

I am ever so jealous, sad & angry. (I find myself feeling the need to explain myself...A lot more then usual nowadays. So here is where I explain myself. Bare with me.)

Looking at photos of family members...oooooing & aaaaaawwwwwwing over my new nephew makes my heart ache. Knowing that NO ONE showed that much love & joy over Harbor when he we born. No one proudly showed off photography's of him to their friends. No one even came to the hospital to be with us. So yeah. Jealous much? I am.
Angry? Yep. Sure seems like it.
Sad? My tearful demeanor the past 24 hours could indicate rightfully so.

My thoughts keep bouncing back to a comment my mother-in-law made Christmas Day. (We announced we were expecting Harbor on Christmas Eve.) It was when she looked around at all 8 grand kids that were opening gifts. She then realized that 2 more grand babies were going to be present the following Christmas.

 "Where are we going to put everyone next Christmas? We will have 2 more grand kids. We need a bigger house! Or we need to convince someone else to hold Christmas at their house."

This thought hurts my aching heart so badly. The reality that there isn't another DO-OVER. Things aren't going to change. This coming Christmas there will ONLY be the 1 happy baby. And it's NOT OURS.

No fun, happy, smiling Christmas Cards from us should be expected this year. At Christmas, Our 5 month old won't be present. On Thanksgiving Day he would have been 4 months old and we will be missing him in his little onesie I had already carefully bought to fit him. It has the cutest little turkey on it & says "My 1st Thanksgiving" on it. On Halloween his Superman footy jumper will remain empty as well. And in July, instead of busily getting ready to meet our little boy. We will probably be still mourning the...could of...should of...would of's. And our reality of his life cut way to short.

So please forgive me while I am ever so jealous, sad & angry right now. My reality of never getting to hold him again is ever so present as I see my nephew. I'm not sure how I'm going to feel holding him. As happy as I am, it hurts too. Not many people realize how hard it is to move forward, when to me...so much was ripped away. He wasn't just a fetus. He wasn't just a clump of cells. He was a baby! My baby! I had planned & envisioned my life with him in it since the moment I knew he was alive. He was and still is...Oh. So. Very. Real.

My life has been derailed. My plans have had to be thrown out like yesterday's garbage. All these little outfits will remain unworn. Tucked away with the rest of his belongings.

But to some of you...I'm just suppose to move on. "Get over it." "Be grateful I have 4 living children."

My response:
"Let me cut off your thumbs & you'll get over it. I mean, you have 4 others. Be grateful for them."

Or

"You'll have more children." "Good thing it happened early on. Something might have been wrong with him." "God needed him more." "It was Gods will."

My response:

"It does matter if I have more children. Having another child isn't going to replace Harbor." "Something WAS wrong with him. But just like (M, my 7yr old) we would have gratefully welcomed, loved, cherished & taken care of him." "I beg to differ, if you think any one including God, needed Harbor more, hands down. I'd win." "I don't believe in a God whom would knowingly & willingly take children from their mothers. I believe in letting my God tell me HIS WILL. Not you."

So please have a heart & bare with me while I still mourn the way I need to mourn. While I cry over little things & holidays. Bare with me while I grieve over NOT ever getting to hold him again or while I grieve over the endless reminders that the things in my life I had planned to do so with him in it, aren't going to ever happen.

Feel free to put your arm around me & just give me a hug. Call, text or write to me...just to say "hi! I was thinking about you!" "Is there a time I can swing by?" "Can I help with your kids?" "Do you need a break?" "Just was thinking about you today & wanted to drop dinner off." Anything. Just letting me know that I am thought of or offering to help, but really offering. Would be greatly appreciated during this time.

Unfortunately, I don't have a time stamp for how long am I going to grieve for. No, I am not just going to get over my son dying. No, I'm not holding it together as well as I would like to be. Yes, I have accepted that I need a therapist & have begun seeing one. I also have been going to support group meetings of parents that have lost babies. While they are helpful, I still need people I know & trust to be there for me!