Finding Refuge in my "Harbor": Happy 1st Easter!

Today is Easter.

So many things made today difficult.

During our church service, as a song was playing that the congregation was singing...I started crying. It was a song about Christ & heaven.

Also While at church, I received a sweet & thoughtful text message from my older sister. It read: "Hey, I just wanted to let you know we have announced our baby on Facebook. We are so excited! We love you and think of you and Harbor often."

If you couldn't guess...I started bawling. No holding back. I have known my sister was pregnant for months. She found out in January. We had talked back then, about us both having horrible morning sickness this time around. So it's not like it was a surprise or anything. I suppose I was upset because I'm reminded once again, that life continues on for everyone else.

But for me...my life is on pause.

My sister also announced her 5th baby is another BOY! I'm happy for her! We have shared pregnancies #1, #2 & #3 together and we each had our #4 NOT when the other was pregnant. But then we were excited to be sharing our 5th babies being due close together again.

So maybe you can imagine how hard it still was to hear her message. I appreciated the heads up. It was so thoughtful & kind of her to do so. And she didn't have to do that. But she did!

It's just hard for me to swallow the fact that her son has passed Harbor's gestational age and the probability that her son will be born full term, healthy & alive...stings a little. My pea size brain can't seem to understand the WHY's.

WHY...did my son have to die?

WHY...couldn't I have had more time with My baby, like my Sister-in-law, my sister or my friends?

WHY...me?.....Again.

We then spent the majority of our afternoon with our newly born nephew. My husband was surprised that I held him as much as I did. But for me...it was therapeutic, a bit. My heart ached badly. And I'm sure I looked as though I was in outer space somewhere. I felt like crying the whole time, but I put on my best happy face. I listened as my brother & sister-in-law happily talked about events that happened the day their son was born. I viewed their photos from that day and smiled for their Happy Ever After, with a baby that was never intended to be here. They have 2 older kids and claimed to be finished with having children. So our new nephew was a huge surprise baby for them, nearly 12 yrs after their original last kid.

So it's hard to not be a little sad at the fact that WE have wanted more children & have tried hard to become pregnant. Then when we finally became pregnant, we loose him.

So today, I had to do something for myself. I needed to feel as though Harbor was validated on this 1st Holiday without him. So I bought 6 helium balloons: Red, orange, yellow, green, light blue & lavender! I took a picture with all 4 of my living children with 1 of the balloons to represent Harbor!

Then, We each wrote a message to Harbor & released our balloons up to Heaven, for him! I took pictures of each message that was lovingly & heartfelt wrote by: myself, my husband and all 4 of our living children! It was such a bitter sweet moment. I think my in-laws were a tad weirded out by it, but that's ok. I have to do for my family what we need done, to help us heal. And I am glad we did it!