27 Weeks...

I often sit and wonder how things would be if Harbor was still alive.

I know. I know.

Why torture myself? But I do frequently.

Today. Today would have marked his 27th week of being alive! But unfortunately it's been 12 weeks since he's been gone. I hate that it's been nearly as long since he died, as he was alive.

Today is the 1st time I have looked at my What to Expect When You're Expecting book since Harbor died. I actually threw the stupid book away and never wanted to see that reminder again. But today, I was curious as to what he might have been like had he had more time with me. Crazy? Quite possibly. But I can't stop thinking about him. This loss's impact has been far more difficult then when I lost our 1st baby @ 12 weeks. Because with our 1st loss, the baby had been absorbed. So the reality of my loss actually being a real life baby, wasn't as prominent as when Harbor died. Don't get me wrong. I mourned the 1st loss badly. I stayed in bed and sobbed for days. My in-laws came over 1 day and helped where they could with my oldest son 'T', who was only 15 months old at the time. The grieving process was completely different.

But today...he would have been 27 weeks old! We would be feeling and seeing him move in my tummy. We would be getting ready to welcome home my youngest sister from her 18 month long mission for our church! This was one of my highlighted milestones during Harbor's pregnancy. I was looking forward to this day since the beginning.

This week (according to What to Expect When You're Expecting book) this week Harbor would have graduated into a new growth chart. No longer being measured from crown to rump, but now being measured from head to toe. And he would have been close to 15 inches long. He would have been about 2 pounds.

That's all a far cry from the measurements that he actually was when he was born. If you don't remember, he was 5 1/2 inches long and a measly, 2.12 ounces. Not even a pound. He was so tiny. But completely perfect!

This week: his taste buds would have increased. Which means he would be able to taste the difference in the amniotic fluid when I would have eaten and he would have reacted to spicy foods. Or get hiccups. Oh how I wish I could have felt those pesky hiccups. I remember laughing at times with my older children when they would get hiccups. My tummy would rhythmically bounce and jump!

Why do I do this to myself? Ugh...why to I sit and ponder on the what if's?

This week would have been the closing of my 6th month being pregnant and the start of my 7th month. I can't help but think about everything that I would be doing to get ready to meet Harbor in person. Had we just made it a few more weeks...I can't help but wonder if he might have had a chance to survive. But then reality sets in again. This isn't a possible outcome. Stop dwelling on the: should haves, could haves, would haves. But it's extremely hard not too.

So now I've have looked in the index of this well known book to search for the information they have shared about Late Miscarriages. To my surprise they only have a very small 4-5 paragraphs on this subject. No wonder I felt unprepared for such a horrific possibility. (One of the questions it answers is) HOW COMMON IS IT? Late miscarriages occur in about 1 in 1,000 pregnancies.

What? 1 in a 1,000! Wow! No wonder I naively went along in my pregnancies all these times and never once even thought it could possibly happen to me. This book makes it seem like it almost never happens. And definitely NOT to people like me. People whom: don't smoke, don't drink, don't do drugs, eats healthy, makes good choices...I mean, it couldn't possibly happen to that kind of person. WRONG. So very misleading. I feel sucker punched in the gut. Well, if a well known pregnancy book barely says anything about Late Miscarriages, then it most certainly couldn't happen to THAT many people.

But reality sets in again...information had been misinterpreted and it most certainly can happen to even the best of the best. The most careful of careful people. It happens. A lot more then the What to Expect When You're Expecting book leads on. It's not the Holy Grail of Pregnancy books. I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you that.

All I have ever wanted to be was a Mother. I have wanted LOTS of kids since I was 7 or 8 years old. Thankfully I have living children to love, hold, kiss and remind me how grateful I am. But my heart aches for the children I won't get to do those things with also. Especially with the thought of Mother's Day quickly approaching. I don't want to have anything to do with Mother's Day. Not this year at least.

But I will save that for another day.

Because today. Today...I am mourning 27 weeks and all the good things that were attached to Harbor's growth. Today I am mourning that I won't ever get these weeks back. All the possibilities, the hopes & the dreams that were attached to this week and the weeks to come.