How does 1+1=3?

At what point does one...stop counting the days, weeks, months or years since their baby dies?
For me it has been: 69 days, 11 weeks and nearly 3 months since Harbor was born. Still counting.

At what point does one...not look at certain dates and cry?
For me: Holidays, birthdays, my little sister coming home, July 30th my due date, my calendar on my cell phone has OB Dr appts and my 20 week ultrasound appt scheduled. Still breaks my heart.

At what point does one...start looking ahead? Planning for the future?
For me: I would love to look ahead without fear of everything. To have another baby and be a happy person again. But that day isn't today.

These are only a couple of the questions floating around in my mind this evening.

At times I wonder about our future. Like...

Are we going to try to have more children? If so, when is a good time? Too soon and everyone will think we have moved on. Waiting too long and everyone will think we are finished or too consumed in grief to go forward and have more children.

We know we would like to have more children. We had talked about having 5 kids when we were dating. Well, we now have had 6 kids, 4 living, 2 in Heaven. Most only realize we have had 1 loss. But we have now experienced 2. We lost a baby at 12 weeks back in 2004. It would have been born between our 2 oldest living children.

For me, this whole process makes me come across as a mathematical genius. I will give you a break down that runs through my head:

It takes 9 months or 37-42 weeks for a baby to grow to term.
If we get pregnant in...such in such month...our baby could possibly be born in...?
Then if we have another miscarriage or late term miscarriage that can set us back a few months on having a health baby in our arms, born at term.
So we are looking at another year or 2 before we could potentially have a healthy baby.
Then there's the whole, it took us a year to get pregnant with our son 'A'. So we could be looking at another year on top of that.

Ugh...my mind seems so wrapped up in the logistics of it all and I can't seem to be okay with any of it. I wanted and was looking forward to having a healthy baby this year. Spaced close to 2 years apart from his older brother. Now the thought that it might never happen again, makes me worried and sad.

I don't have a say in the outcome of my future. Not to the full extent that I thought I had. There is NO telling what our future holds.

Because 1 + 1 CAN equal 3! (You + Spouse = you, spouse & baby)

But if baby dies then, 1 + 1= 2. (You + Spouse)

Just saying...