Just so we're Clear...

Let me clear up a few things, because obviously some people need to be informed.

Clear up #1: I don't have the plague.

As much as you feel the need to distant yourself from me, please don't. It's more hurtful towards me and YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DIE FROM BEING AROUND OR TOUCHING ME.

Clear up #2: Your baby isn't going to die if I touch it.

I have now had 3 people refuse to allow me to hold their babies since Harbor has died. I'm not sure what they are thinking or if I'm just taking it too personal. But seriously, it is hard enough for me to be in the same room as your babies, let alone ask to hold them. And when you refuse for whatever reason, I feel as though you believe I have the plague. And that if I touch your baby it will contract it. Please see Clear up #1 for information on that subject.

Clear up #3: I'm NOT ready to listen to anyone complain about a newborn crying.

As flattered as I should be that you may feel comfortable enough to call me and ask me for advice because YOUR newborn screamed bloody murder/crying all night. But honestly...I can't handle it. I just want to yell at you. What wouldn't I give to be able to hold MY OWN screaming, crying newborn ALL NIGHT LONG.

Clear up #4: I don't give a flying flip about what so and so gave you as a baby gift.

Please for the love of...anything holy, please don't freaking share detailed information about...the oh, so sweet...blah, blah, blah...you received. I'm already jealous of your healthy, living baby in your arms. I can't handle the over joyous crap you just received for baby so-in-so too.

Clear up #5: Just because you have seen me smiling or laughing, don't assume everything in life is peachy.

Underneath my smiles and laughter there is many, many tears. I spent some of yesterday bawling. Today, I've been on the verge. Something small or something big can trigger the water works. It could be a certain word. Or scent. Or song. It could just be a thought or something I've just seen.

Clear up #6: I hate being told that I am strong or brave.

How can a person be considered Strong after their baby dies? Why am I considered Strong? Because I haven't committed suicide to join my baby. Or because you couldn't handle it as well as I can. At least that is what I've been told. But yet I'm expected to be better now. To have moved on and over the fact that my baby died 3 months ago.

I'm brave? How? I didn't have a choice to loose my son. Bravery is an action word for doing something or standing up to something. It is best described by me: I might be considered brave if I was face to face with a bear and had a gun in my hands, but certainly not in this situation and the death of my son.

I am sure I can come up with many more and I might possibly at a later date. But I will stop there this evening.