Today my family finally met our newest nephew for the 1st time since he was born. He is now 3 weeks old. We weren't planning on seeing him until Easter Sunday. But plans changed and our oldest was going to need to be picked up from my sister-in-laws house. We had a short amount of time to see the baby since we were on a time crunch to get kids to Taekwondo.
I know this might sound awful...but I was dreading the whole scenario that was playing in my mind. I seriously had heart palpitations and I just wanted to cry in terror. (Wow...I surprise myself, just writing that.)
But it's all true.
As I drove nearer to their house the internal panic increased & my blood pressure did too. How was this all going to play out? Sheer panic.
We made it inside the house and congratulated my sister-in-law. She was showing her son to my husband. I asked if I could hold him. She handed him over and instantly, my eyes filled with tears. My thoughts turned to a mixture of emotions, but mostly...sadness and happiness.
Looking my nephew over. Trying to in vision Harbor, if he had made it to full term. I wanted so terribly bad to whisper in his ear, those Words that I would have said to him had our outcome been different. "I love you and I'm so glad you're here." I mean, how hard could it be? Very hard. Harder then I realized.
He was so cute. He looked just like his daddy. My brother-in-law. He had quite a bit of black hair on his head. Cutest little nose. Poutiest bottom lip.
'A' was so cute with his newest cousin! He kept coming over & hugging him & kissing his head. Saying "Baby! Baby! Baby!" He then wanted to sit down and hold him! Kissing his head over & over & over again. It was a sweet moment.
But then I have to ruin it with thoughts of Harbor. Thinking this is how it was suppose to be. We were suppose to be the parents of a new baby & 'A' was suppose to be smothering OUR baby with hugs & kisses. Ugh...I hate feeling so jealous. I truly don't think I could have prepared myself for all that. I decided that my husband needed to have a turn. So I took the baby over to him to hold for a minute before we had to leave.
He was reluctant and as soon as our nephew was in his arm...instantly...tears filled his eyes. I could see how hard it was for my husband as well. He held him for a few minutes, commenting on some of his adorable features. He also noticed how much our nephew looked like our brother-in-law. He then stood up, walked over to his Sister and gave her a hug. I'm not sure of the words he spoke to her. But I would like to think he was congratulating her & telling her, he is beautiful!
We then had to hand the baby back & rush out the door. We were going to be late for Taekwondo.
Regardless of how we were feeling during the visit...we are glad that we finally met him and I hope in time, we will be able to hold our nephew & other babies & not long for the day when we get to hold Harbor again.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
No Expiration Date On Grieving.
Then in Week 2, I felt our topics were even harder for me to answer. But I will share them with you as well:
Homework (Week 2) ~April 11, 2014~
Week 2: Journaling Topics
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Write a letter to your family and friends explaining what you need from them.
Dear friends, family members, co-workers....
I am in need of your continued love, light & support. Although it has been just over 8 weeks since Harbor's death. I am still dealing with so many emotions I didn't even know, ever existed. My children are still dealing with emotions that they have never experienced before. We have experienced a loss that is devastating to US.
It will take time, months, possibly even years, for our family to work through the grief and sorrow we feel. We will cry more then usual and at times, even seem angry. But please understand that this is perfectly okay, the tears we cry are for Harbor and the memories & experiences that we will miss out on, with him.
We know how uncomfortable our situation is for most of our friends & family members to cope with. We are having a hard time coping as well. Please know that your presence can be helpful. That talking about Harbor, by name, is like music to our ears. I know some might feel like they are sparing us from heartache by not mentioning him, but the truth is we will always hurt. He was and will continue to be a part of my families lives. It's important to our family that he is recognized.
If you don't feel comfortable talking about Harbor, it is perfectly Okay to: give us hugs, write cards or notes of encouragement or well wishes, a text or a phone call saying "I was thinking of you, today!" It is perfectly okay to say "I just don't really know what to say or do for you or your family." Because truth be told...neither do we! But your presence in our lives means more now then ever before, even though we may, at times, seem distant.
The loss of Harbor has been the most difficult thing we could have been asked to endure. We know that in time we will learn to laugh & smile again, but we will need your support and understanding along the way.
Sincerely~ R
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Journal about what your family and friends have done that hurts as well as what helps.
HURTFUL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Belittling our loss.
Acting as though Harbor never existed.
Saying insensitive comments or remarks.
Glamorizing another persons pregnancy or complaining about a pregnancy.
Not asking to see pictures of Harbor.
Not talking to me.
Acting like...I have had enough time to grieve, time to move on.
Telling me...to be grateful that I have living children.
When calling to talk to me, you only talk about the new grand son (that was born after Harbor died.)
Not texting or calling me like before.
Not coming to the hospital when we knew we were going to deliver Harbor.
Not hugging me.
Acting as though we have the plague.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HELPFUL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Making a heart the same size & weight as a Harbor.
Making a necklace with Harbors: name & Birth date on it.
Making a painting to honor Harbor!
Asking to see pictures of him.
Wanting to hear his birth story.
Sending cards, filled with love & encouragement.
Hugs.
Talking to me.
Bringing Meals over.
Taking my kids for an afternoon.
Watching the my kids so I can go to Counseling.
Helping keep my laundry clean.
Helping do the dishes.
Inviting us over for dinner & games!
Letting me cry.
Crying with me.
Going to a movie with me, 2 hours away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After I finished Week 2's journaling topics, I really felt the need to write Thank you letters to a few key people that have stuck out to me. So I spent a few hours writing Thank you letters to friends & family members! For those that truly know me, know that I am the worlds worst Thank you letter-er. So just felt like I need to express my gratitude a tiny bit more then my heartfelt personal, verbal, Thank you's!
Homework (Week 2) ~April 11, 2014~
Week 2: Journaling Topics
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Write a letter to your family and friends explaining what you need from them.
Dear friends, family members, co-workers....
I am in need of your continued love, light & support. Although it has been just over 8 weeks since Harbor's death. I am still dealing with so many emotions I didn't even know, ever existed. My children are still dealing with emotions that they have never experienced before. We have experienced a loss that is devastating to US.
It will take time, months, possibly even years, for our family to work through the grief and sorrow we feel. We will cry more then usual and at times, even seem angry. But please understand that this is perfectly okay, the tears we cry are for Harbor and the memories & experiences that we will miss out on, with him.
We know how uncomfortable our situation is for most of our friends & family members to cope with. We are having a hard time coping as well. Please know that your presence can be helpful. That talking about Harbor, by name, is like music to our ears. I know some might feel like they are sparing us from heartache by not mentioning him, but the truth is we will always hurt. He was and will continue to be a part of my families lives. It's important to our family that he is recognized.
If you don't feel comfortable talking about Harbor, it is perfectly Okay to: give us hugs, write cards or notes of encouragement or well wishes, a text or a phone call saying "I was thinking of you, today!" It is perfectly okay to say "I just don't really know what to say or do for you or your family." Because truth be told...neither do we! But your presence in our lives means more now then ever before, even though we may, at times, seem distant.
The loss of Harbor has been the most difficult thing we could have been asked to endure. We know that in time we will learn to laugh & smile again, but we will need your support and understanding along the way.
Sincerely~ R
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Journal about what your family and friends have done that hurts as well as what helps.
HURTFUL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Belittling our loss.
Acting as though Harbor never existed.
Saying insensitive comments or remarks.
Glamorizing another persons pregnancy or complaining about a pregnancy.
Not asking to see pictures of Harbor.
Not talking to me.
Acting like...I have had enough time to grieve, time to move on.
Telling me...to be grateful that I have living children.
When calling to talk to me, you only talk about the new grand son (that was born after Harbor died.)
Not texting or calling me like before.
Not coming to the hospital when we knew we were going to deliver Harbor.
Not hugging me.
Acting as though we have the plague.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HELPFUL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Making a heart the same size & weight as a Harbor.
Making a necklace with Harbors: name & Birth date on it.
Making a painting to honor Harbor!
Asking to see pictures of him.
Wanting to hear his birth story.
Sending cards, filled with love & encouragement.
Hugs.
Talking to me.
Bringing Meals over.
Taking my kids for an afternoon.
Watching the my kids so I can go to Counseling.
Helping keep my laundry clean.
Helping do the dishes.
Inviting us over for dinner & games!
Letting me cry.
Crying with me.
Going to a movie with me, 2 hours away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After I finished Week 2's journaling topics, I really felt the need to write Thank you letters to a few key people that have stuck out to me. So I spent a few hours writing Thank you letters to friends & family members! For those that truly know me, know that I am the worlds worst Thank you letter-er. So just felt like I need to express my gratitude a tiny bit more then my heartfelt personal, verbal, Thank you's!
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Group Support & Homework
My husband and I have been attending a Grief Support Group for a few weeks now. We have found it to be therapeutic for the both of us. For the last 3 weeks we have been attending a specially designed Group therapy called Short Term Grief.
Each week a topic has been predetermined and we discuss the topic. So at times, something in the work booklet triggers something with 1 of us 4 couples or sometimes we can relate to what we are talking about and share our own experiences with each other. It is quite helpful to know & feel like you aren't alone.
At the close of each week we are given "Homework" assignments or suggested things to do.
I have taken these assignments very serious and have felt the need to really read over & write them out. Answering or fulfilling each "requirement" as I go along.
Now I don't want to be seen as an over achiever. I just want to glean as much as I possibly can to better help myself & those around me cope. (ie: my husband & children) I have learned from my past experiences in therapy sessions that you definitely "Get out of the therapy, what effort you put into it."
So basically if I just show up & do minimal work, then I shouldn't expect to ever fully gain the maximum benefit from the therapy. But if I put my ALL into bettering myself & learning ways to cope or find healthy ways to move forward, then I WILL! Plain & simple!
Some of our homework assignments I have found to be a bit difficult to answer. I have truly had to dig down deep to honestly answer some of these questions, here is glimpse of Week 1's Homework assignment & my personal responses:
Homework (Week 1) ~April 1st, 2014~
Week 1: Journaling Topics
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What are my feelings about my loss?
A: My feelings about my loss are complex. I feel: sad, disappointed, angry, confused, numb and I could go on.
Somedays I feel like I can move on. But then once I start to do a task to move forward, I become emotional & sometimes very bitter & irritated then I loose interest again.
How did I feel about the meeting? Was it helpful?
A: I am really glad that I have the opportunity to connect & share my experience with other parents that understand. I think that part of my problem during this grieving process is the lack of understanding from others. Friends & family mean well, but not many have walked this road & to avoid hurting my feelings they avoid me, causing more harm then good. I need to know that others care. I need to know that I'm not alone. I need to be able to share my thoughts & feelings about loosing Harbor openly with them. But there isn't anyone there to do so with. So yes I found it helpful in coming to these meetings! I like that we as a group can bounce off some of our own experiences on how to cope or how to handle a situation amongst each other & know that we won't be laughed at or judged for doing so. I appreciate that no one expects me to just "get over" loosing Harbor.
Do I have any regrets? What are they?
A: Yes I have regrets. I regret that I complained during the 1st trimester about having morning sickness. I regret that I didn't tell Harbor that I loved him more often. I regret not being able to make the most of the time I was blessed to have with him in utero. I regret not asking the Drs for more copies of his ultrasound pictures. I regret that I didn't get a chance to make him some sort of clothing to wear or blanket to be cremated in. I regret not taking more pictures of him.
Is there anyone I need to forgive?
A: I probably do. But I can't seem to pinpoint a certain person. Oh wait...Myself! I probably need to be more forgiving on myself. I am hard on my self about his death. I do blame myself for failing him.
Each week a topic has been predetermined and we discuss the topic. So at times, something in the work booklet triggers something with 1 of us 4 couples or sometimes we can relate to what we are talking about and share our own experiences with each other. It is quite helpful to know & feel like you aren't alone.
At the close of each week we are given "Homework" assignments or suggested things to do.
I have taken these assignments very serious and have felt the need to really read over & write them out. Answering or fulfilling each "requirement" as I go along.
Now I don't want to be seen as an over achiever. I just want to glean as much as I possibly can to better help myself & those around me cope. (ie: my husband & children) I have learned from my past experiences in therapy sessions that you definitely "Get out of the therapy, what effort you put into it."
So basically if I just show up & do minimal work, then I shouldn't expect to ever fully gain the maximum benefit from the therapy. But if I put my ALL into bettering myself & learning ways to cope or find healthy ways to move forward, then I WILL! Plain & simple!
Some of our homework assignments I have found to be a bit difficult to answer. I have truly had to dig down deep to honestly answer some of these questions, here is glimpse of Week 1's Homework assignment & my personal responses:
Homework (Week 1) ~April 1st, 2014~
Week 1: Journaling Topics
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What are my feelings about my loss?
A: My feelings about my loss are complex. I feel: sad, disappointed, angry, confused, numb and I could go on.
Somedays I feel like I can move on. But then once I start to do a task to move forward, I become emotional & sometimes very bitter & irritated then I loose interest again.
How did I feel about the meeting? Was it helpful?
A: I am really glad that I have the opportunity to connect & share my experience with other parents that understand. I think that part of my problem during this grieving process is the lack of understanding from others. Friends & family mean well, but not many have walked this road & to avoid hurting my feelings they avoid me, causing more harm then good. I need to know that others care. I need to know that I'm not alone. I need to be able to share my thoughts & feelings about loosing Harbor openly with them. But there isn't anyone there to do so with. So yes I found it helpful in coming to these meetings! I like that we as a group can bounce off some of our own experiences on how to cope or how to handle a situation amongst each other & know that we won't be laughed at or judged for doing so. I appreciate that no one expects me to just "get over" loosing Harbor.
Do I have any regrets? What are they?
A: Yes I have regrets. I regret that I complained during the 1st trimester about having morning sickness. I regret that I didn't tell Harbor that I loved him more often. I regret not being able to make the most of the time I was blessed to have with him in utero. I regret not asking the Drs for more copies of his ultrasound pictures. I regret that I didn't get a chance to make him some sort of clothing to wear or blanket to be cremated in. I regret not taking more pictures of him.
Is there anyone I need to forgive?
A: I probably do. But I can't seem to pinpoint a certain person. Oh wait...Myself! I probably need to be more forgiving on myself. I am hard on my self about his death. I do blame myself for failing him.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Together put sentence to make a words?
The RAW, hurtful, twang isn't as present in my daily life. At least not today. But oh how bipolar grief can be. Just the other night I literally cried myself to sleep, just sobbing over my broken heart that can't seem to be mended. The stresses of my day-to-day just got the best of me & my raging lunatic side was ever so present that evening. My calm, loving, soft spoken side was no were to be found.
My mind can't seem to sit still and focus or concentrate.
I feel as though I'm truly a failure. A failure: to my living children, to my husband, to my angel children, to my friends, to my extended family, to my photography career, to my bow making career and to everything I ever seemed interested in doing before.
I worry about, how the impact of MY grief will effect my living children. Right now I can't seem to get myself together enough to get through a full day of school work. Forget trying to keep up with the everyday life stuff. (ie: dishes, cooking, cleaning, laundry, school work, etc.)
I hate how I view my posts. Personally I feel like a broken record. Saying the same things over & over & over again. Sorry if that's how I come across. My brain is a swirling mess of: information, emotions, fear, guilt and so much more. But I can't seem to grab the words in the correct order to put a sentence together that will make any sense. (hence my title above.)
My mind can't seem to sit still and focus or concentrate.
I feel as though I'm truly a failure. A failure: to my living children, to my husband, to my angel children, to my friends, to my extended family, to my photography career, to my bow making career and to everything I ever seemed interested in doing before.
I worry about, how the impact of MY grief will effect my living children. Right now I can't seem to get myself together enough to get through a full day of school work. Forget trying to keep up with the everyday life stuff. (ie: dishes, cooking, cleaning, laundry, school work, etc.)
I hate how I view my posts. Personally I feel like a broken record. Saying the same things over & over & over again. Sorry if that's how I come across. My brain is a swirling mess of: information, emotions, fear, guilt and so much more. But I can't seem to grab the words in the correct order to put a sentence together that will make any sense. (hence my title above.)
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
The Sky Is Falling...
This morning "T" (my newly turned 11yr old) woke up. I could tell he was upset. But it's his birthday and as an 11 yr old he shouldn't have issues yet with growing older. Him having just woke Up, I couldn't figure out what happened. So I called him over to where I was sitting on the couch & asked "What's going on? What's wrong?"
"I had a bad dream. It was so real. It's was so scary." He replied.
Then as he tried to explain his nightmare to me, he began sobbing. In between his sobs he said the following:
"There were bad guys throwing nukes at our house and they were trying to take 'A.'"
He cried even hard at the thought of his little brother being taken away. I snuggled him & reassured him that his brother was still here and okay. I had him hug 'A' and I told him NO war/fighting video games for a while.
The effects on my children from loosing Harbor, haven't been fully felt yet. 'T' has taken our loss the hardest. I believe that's because he is so much like his momma and holds back his emotions & bottles them up. As to not upset others around him.
On Sunday, my husband & I attended our Grief Support Group meeting again. On our way home we were talking about our concerns for 'T.' I feel like he might benefit from a few counseling sessions. He needs to talk to someone and I feel like if he doesn't then his anger is going to get the best of him.
It's such a crazy roller coaster after having a late term miscarriage. But no one seems to notice the surviving children in the family and their possible needs for an outlet to work through their emotions too. Us, as parents are so wrapped up in our own grief. We tend to accidentally over look our living children at times. Unintentionally, of course. By no means would we want to cause more harm then good to any of our children.
I guess I failed to realize that my older children, had hopes & dreams planned out that included Harbor in them, as well. They are mourning the Reality, that opportunities of being able to: hold, kiss, play with, watch them grow, hear them say their names, etc. aren't ever going to happen. That's a HARD reality to have to wad through for me. I can't imagine what that must feel like for my children whom are only: 11yrs, 8yrs & 7yrs old to comprehend as well. It must feel like the sky has fallen upon them and that anything bad, imaginable, can happen in a split second.
'T's' dream has reminded me that I need to find him a safe place to release his worries & fears. With people who are going to reassure him that we will all be okay. Eventually. But that it's okay to feel however he is feeling.
It's just so hard to try & hold myself together during all this turmoil. Let alone hold everyone else up. Keeping myself composed so that it will seem as though life will continue on, unchanged.
But reality is...it has changed. And. So. Have. I.
"I had a bad dream. It was so real. It's was so scary." He replied.
Then as he tried to explain his nightmare to me, he began sobbing. In between his sobs he said the following:
"There were bad guys throwing nukes at our house and they were trying to take 'A.'"
He cried even hard at the thought of his little brother being taken away. I snuggled him & reassured him that his brother was still here and okay. I had him hug 'A' and I told him NO war/fighting video games for a while.
The effects on my children from loosing Harbor, haven't been fully felt yet. 'T' has taken our loss the hardest. I believe that's because he is so much like his momma and holds back his emotions & bottles them up. As to not upset others around him.
On Sunday, my husband & I attended our Grief Support Group meeting again. On our way home we were talking about our concerns for 'T.' I feel like he might benefit from a few counseling sessions. He needs to talk to someone and I feel like if he doesn't then his anger is going to get the best of him.
It's such a crazy roller coaster after having a late term miscarriage. But no one seems to notice the surviving children in the family and their possible needs for an outlet to work through their emotions too. Us, as parents are so wrapped up in our own grief. We tend to accidentally over look our living children at times. Unintentionally, of course. By no means would we want to cause more harm then good to any of our children.
I guess I failed to realize that my older children, had hopes & dreams planned out that included Harbor in them, as well. They are mourning the Reality, that opportunities of being able to: hold, kiss, play with, watch them grow, hear them say their names, etc. aren't ever going to happen. That's a HARD reality to have to wad through for me. I can't imagine what that must feel like for my children whom are only: 11yrs, 8yrs & 7yrs old to comprehend as well. It must feel like the sky has fallen upon them and that anything bad, imaginable, can happen in a split second.
'T's' dream has reminded me that I need to find him a safe place to release his worries & fears. With people who are going to reassure him that we will all be okay. Eventually. But that it's okay to feel however he is feeling.
It's just so hard to try & hold myself together during all this turmoil. Let alone hold everyone else up. Keeping myself composed so that it will seem as though life will continue on, unchanged.
But reality is...it has changed. And. So. Have. I.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Night terrors?
Evil lurks in darkness. It haunts my dreams. It makes sleeping or wanting to sleep unbearable. If I could paint a picture of how night feels, it would be like the warmth of summer. Enticing you in with its cosy-ness & relaxing demeanor. Then...wham...your asleep dreaming.
Aaaaaawwwwwww...wonderful!
Right?
Wrong.
Ever so wrong.
My dreams have become a vessel for evil to invade. I am along for the ride, wherever it made lead. I have NO say in where or what happens. Like a kidnapped child.
Last nights visions, dream, nightmare...whatever you feel comfortable with calling it. Was so real. So vivid. Mind trickingly (yes, I made that word up) mean & twisted.
How can my own subconscious make up such lies? How is it even possible to conjure up such cruelties?
While I thought I would be rejuvenating my body & mind during a "peaceful" slumber, when all of a sudden it turns to such pain & sorrow.
Most nights, my brain is stuck on some sort of auto pilot. All I can think about is HIM. All I can think of is Harbor. But particularly last nights dream. I was holding Harbor in my arms. Loving on him. Nursing him. I can't make out what his face looks like. It was all a blur. All I can see is the side of his face & how eerily similar it looks to "A's" profile.
Some would look at my dream as a sweet, tender moment.
For me...it wasn't.
For me...it was torture, because upon waking in the middle of the night, only to find "A" nursing. It was a horrible reminder. Apparently if torturing myself with thoughts of..."if Harbor was still here..." Thoughts...ALL...DAY...LONG...wasn't hard enough...let's let my subconscious thoughts attack me during the night too. Yay me!
So while I need to sleep...please forgive me for NOT wanting too. I just can take it anymore. I feel like I don't have any down time from grieving. I feel trapped in an automatic hamster wheel. Fumbling to keep up as the wheel continues to turn.
So here I am once again. Up late. Another night. Fighting sleep. For dreaming can be just as bad...if not worse, then my realities.
Aaaaaawwwwwww...wonderful!
Right?
Wrong.
Ever so wrong.
My dreams have become a vessel for evil to invade. I am along for the ride, wherever it made lead. I have NO say in where or what happens. Like a kidnapped child.
Last nights visions, dream, nightmare...whatever you feel comfortable with calling it. Was so real. So vivid. Mind trickingly (yes, I made that word up) mean & twisted.
How can my own subconscious make up such lies? How is it even possible to conjure up such cruelties?
While I thought I would be rejuvenating my body & mind during a "peaceful" slumber, when all of a sudden it turns to such pain & sorrow.
Most nights, my brain is stuck on some sort of auto pilot. All I can think about is HIM. All I can think of is Harbor. But particularly last nights dream. I was holding Harbor in my arms. Loving on him. Nursing him. I can't make out what his face looks like. It was all a blur. All I can see is the side of his face & how eerily similar it looks to "A's" profile.
Some would look at my dream as a sweet, tender moment.
For me...it wasn't.
For me...it was torture, because upon waking in the middle of the night, only to find "A" nursing. It was a horrible reminder. Apparently if torturing myself with thoughts of..."if Harbor was still here..." Thoughts...ALL...DAY...LONG...wasn't hard enough...let's let my subconscious thoughts attack me during the night too. Yay me!
So while I need to sleep...please forgive me for NOT wanting too. I just can take it anymore. I feel like I don't have any down time from grieving. I feel trapped in an automatic hamster wheel. Fumbling to keep up as the wheel continues to turn.
So here I am once again. Up late. Another night. Fighting sleep. For dreaming can be just as bad...if not worse, then my realities.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Longing
More often then not, I find myself longing for the days when life seemed "Hard." Back when the only things in my life that seemed difficult to handle were: rowdy kids, poopy diapers, what to make for lunch/dinner, over scheduled busy days, washing let alone folding the laundry and putting it all away, etc.
Yes these things seem ever daunting. But they aren't as important as they truly seemed 7 weeks ago. I've sort of realized that who cares if my kids wear the same dirty pair of pants out in public. Who cares that the dishes aren't done or my laundry has piled a couple of feet high. Who cares that we have eaten Fast Food for dinner or lunch, multiple times this week. Who cares if we didn't make it to some pre-scheduled activity. I mean, really. Do YOU care? I sure don't. Not like I would have nearly 2 months ago.
I find myself longing for a purpose because the purpose I thought I was meant to fulfill, obviously wasn't my sole purpose. I feel lost. Incomplete. Unneeded. Confused. Just utterly, stuck in my mind. Unable to make sense of anything.
I am longing for the time when I knew who I was. What I wanted. Where I was going. For the time when I thought I knew it all. When I didn't feel empty inside.
Trying to move forward isn't an easy task. It's hard to realize and come to terms that I'm not the person I once was. Nor will I ever be that same person. I now have to reflect on my inner self and truly find a new me. A new passion. A new way to live because I just can't be the same ME, without Harbor here, in my everyday life. I guess it's like a mid-life criss. Now, to dig deep inside and figure out what I need & want and find what matters the most to me.
I'm scared. I am afraid of letting go. Of forgetting. Of loosing my identity. Of loosing everything I have built up & felt stable upon. I am afraid of....things changing. Weather for the better or for the worst.
Only Time will tell.
But, Until then...I will continue to Long for the things I can not change. For the things that can't be given back.
Ugh...late term miscarriages...SUCK!
Yes these things seem ever daunting. But they aren't as important as they truly seemed 7 weeks ago. I've sort of realized that who cares if my kids wear the same dirty pair of pants out in public. Who cares that the dishes aren't done or my laundry has piled a couple of feet high. Who cares that we have eaten Fast Food for dinner or lunch, multiple times this week. Who cares if we didn't make it to some pre-scheduled activity. I mean, really. Do YOU care? I sure don't. Not like I would have nearly 2 months ago.
I find myself longing for a purpose because the purpose I thought I was meant to fulfill, obviously wasn't my sole purpose. I feel lost. Incomplete. Unneeded. Confused. Just utterly, stuck in my mind. Unable to make sense of anything.
I am longing for the time when I knew who I was. What I wanted. Where I was going. For the time when I thought I knew it all. When I didn't feel empty inside.
Trying to move forward isn't an easy task. It's hard to realize and come to terms that I'm not the person I once was. Nor will I ever be that same person. I now have to reflect on my inner self and truly find a new me. A new passion. A new way to live because I just can't be the same ME, without Harbor here, in my everyday life. I guess it's like a mid-life criss. Now, to dig deep inside and figure out what I need & want and find what matters the most to me.
I'm scared. I am afraid of letting go. Of forgetting. Of loosing my identity. Of loosing everything I have built up & felt stable upon. I am afraid of....things changing. Weather for the better or for the worst.
Only Time will tell.
But, Until then...I will continue to Long for the things I can not change. For the things that can't be given back.
Ugh...late term miscarriages...SUCK!
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