Night terrors?

Evil lurks in darkness. It haunts my dreams. It makes sleeping or wanting to sleep unbearable. If I could paint a picture of how night feels, it would be like the warmth of summer. Enticing you in with its cosy-ness & relaxing demeanor. Then...wham...your asleep dreaming.

Aaaaaawwwwwww...wonderful!

Right?

Wrong.

Ever so wrong.

My dreams have become a vessel for evil to invade. I am along for the ride, wherever it made lead. I have NO say in where or what happens. Like a kidnapped child.

Last nights visions, dream, nightmare...whatever you feel comfortable with calling it. Was so real. So vivid. Mind trickingly (yes, I made that word up) mean & twisted.

How can my own subconscious make up such lies? How is it even possible to conjure up such cruelties?

While I thought I would be rejuvenating my body & mind during a "peaceful" slumber, when all of a sudden it turns to such pain & sorrow.

Most nights, my brain is stuck on some sort of auto pilot. All I can think about is HIM. All I can think of is Harbor. But particularly last nights dream. I was holding Harbor in my arms. Loving on him. Nursing him. I can't make out what his face looks like. It was all a blur. All I can see is the side of his face & how eerily similar it looks to "A's" profile.

Some would look at my dream as a sweet, tender moment.

For me...it wasn't.
For me...it was torture, because upon waking in the middle of the night, only to find "A" nursing. It was a horrible reminder. Apparently if torturing myself with thoughts of..."if Harbor was still here..." Thoughts...ALL...DAY...LONG...wasn't hard enough...let's let my subconscious thoughts attack me during the night too. Yay me!

So while I need to sleep...please forgive me for NOT wanting too. I just can take it anymore. I feel like I don't have any down time from grieving. I feel trapped in an automatic hamster wheel. Fumbling to keep up as the wheel continues to turn.

So here I am once again. Up late. Another night. Fighting sleep. For dreaming can be just as bad...if not worse, then my realities.