Longing

More often then not, I find myself longing for the days when life seemed "Hard." Back when the only things in my life that seemed difficult to handle were: rowdy kids, poopy diapers, what to make for lunch/dinner, over scheduled busy days, washing let alone folding the laundry and putting it all away, etc.

Yes these things seem ever daunting. But they aren't as important as they truly seemed 7 weeks ago. I've sort of realized that who cares if my kids wear the same dirty pair of pants out in public. Who cares that the dishes aren't done or my laundry has piled a couple of feet high. Who cares that we have eaten Fast Food for dinner or lunch, multiple times this week. Who cares if we didn't make it to some pre-scheduled activity. I mean, really. Do YOU care? I sure don't. Not like I would have nearly 2 months ago.

I find myself longing for a purpose because the purpose I thought I was meant to fulfill, obviously wasn't my sole purpose. I feel lost. Incomplete. Unneeded. Confused. Just utterly, stuck in my mind. Unable to make sense of anything.

I am longing for the time when I knew who I was. What I wanted. Where I was going. For the time when I thought I knew it all. When I didn't feel empty inside.

Trying to move forward isn't an easy task. It's hard to realize and come to terms that I'm not the person I once was. Nor will I ever be that same person. I now have to reflect on my inner self and truly find a new me. A new passion. A new way to live because I just can't be the same ME, without Harbor here, in my everyday life. I guess it's like a mid-life criss. Now, to dig deep inside and figure out what I need & want and find what matters the most to me.

I'm scared. I am afraid of letting go. Of forgetting. Of loosing my identity. Of loosing everything I have built up & felt stable upon. I am afraid of....things changing. Weather for the better or for the worst.

Only Time will tell.

But, Until then...I will continue to Long for the things I can not change. For the things that can't be given back.

Ugh...late term miscarriages...SUCK!