I never knew that there were so many heartfelt, heart wrenching and pain stakingly difficult decisions I would have to make.
To hold a memorial service for a baby NO one ever got to hold. Let alone ever got to see. Or just do away with the notion, as to not put friends and family members in an awkward position. I mean really..."today we gather together family and friends...we're here to...what...celebrate a life that never was...we're here to...say our good byes to a baby we never got to say Hello too..." It was a hard decision to NOT hold a service. I mean, that is what people do when someone dies. Right? To Hold some sort of service to commemorate a life that was lived.
My grandmother past away in December 2013. At her funeral, people sang songs that she loved. They told stories about her. We laughed. We cried. We rejoiced that she was finally...after 86 years, she was returning home to Heaven. She had children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren present at her funeral. We had a chance to pick one of Grandma's Teddy Bears that she collected, to keep as a keepsake, to remind us of her.
So in comparison...Harbor didn't have people tell stories about his life. There wasn't a gathering to mourn together and have people hold us up. We wept secretly in our home. We don't have the memories to last us until we meet again in Heaven. Harbor never had a chance to hug a Teddy Bear or to look at a book or hear a book read. He won't ever have children or give me grandchildren. Basically, it was as if he never existed. And that hurts. I never had a chance to make him an outfit to be cremated in. I never had a chance to make him a blanket to be wrapped up in.
When your in the moment of just trying to come to terms that your baby has died, you can't and don't think about anything else. You have to make decisions that will haunt you the rest of your life. We didn't know that we could have put pictures, toys, a blanket, flowers, etc. with him when he was cremated. I hate that I didn't even think to ask. But it was my 1st experience planning a funeral for anybody, let alone my own baby. But in our case, NO funeral. But funeral arrangements.
My thoughts are really heavy this evening. This weekend has been a trying time for me. My nephew had his 1st Communion and the last time we were in that church was right after I had had "A." But this time, my newly born nephew was the baby in attendance. My thoughts and emotions were difficult to hold back. So many people were in attendance to this joyous occasion. It was truly a beautiful service.
But thinking about how things were suppose to play out differently.
How in 12 weeks...we were suppose to be bringing our son home for the 1st time. Friends and family members would have joined us in our room after his birth, to hold him and love on him and Thank God he was apart of our family. In less then 12 weeks from now, I was suppose to be having my baby shower. Which my dear friend and neighbor had already started planning. I would have started his baby blanket, baby book, made numerous outfits with little suspenders and ties on them. I would be worrying where we would put up his crib, Hang his clothes & store his stuff.
Not...planning his funeral. Not...grieving in silence. Not...trying to hold myself together. Not...being able to freely share his existence with my friends, my family, the world...is just NOT FAIR.
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