Disappointments.

"Your strength is in maintaining who you are!" Talking about NOT loosing yourself in self pity, during times of disappointment in your life. (These were the words spoken by a pastor yesterday on Mothers Day.)

This sermon really got me thinking about how I have been self absorbed and rightfully so. But to what extent? Do I or should I continue on in this life being angry, bitter, depressed, jealous and spiteful? As much as I love and will always love Harbor...when will I start living again...for him?

How embarrassing or ashamed would I feel if, when I die, Harbor asks me "Mommy, how come you stopped living when I died?"

I honestly wouldn't even know where to begin, to answer that question.

So yesterday at my Sister-in-laws church, the pastor spoke mainly on being a mother that has been disappointed...with something in your life. He went on to list a few examples:

You're disappointed that...your children didn't turn out the way you had planned...you don't own the nicest, newest house, car, clothes, whatever...you haven't been able to have children...your child or children have died...his list went on.

 But I got choked up feeling that he was all of a sudden speaking directly to my aching sole. He told of a story about Ruth in the bible. How she had a family and all of them died. So she changed her name and she changed her identity. I don't know much on the story of Ruth. (I openly admit that I am NO bible thumper and I have a horrible memory unless I can relate and personally connect to those that I am reading about.) So the Pastor goes on about how when Ruth was going through a rough trial she pulled away from The Lord and was bitter. Within doing so, she lost sight of who she was.

But if we decide and whole hearted choose to have a relationship and I mean, a sincere relationship with out Savior...then we will feel complete again.

Christ can renew our broken, childless hearts. Christ gives us HOPE! Christ gives us STRENGTH!

I will say it again..."Your strength is in maintaining who you are!"

So these words have eaten at me all night long. I have allowed Harbor's death to define me.

'Am I just another parent that has had a child die? Am I just a bitter, jealous lunatic? Am I just a horrible mother because I have been absent from fully grasping onto life with my living children?'

I have been allowing Harbor's death to change me and NOT for the better. I would be very ashamed of myself. If Harbor had actually asked me that question. What can I do to change my perspective? I thought.

Tired from the lack of sleep because I was up all night with 'A' who was screaming and crying all night due to leg pain. I chose to NOT complain. I choose to embrace the moment and snuggle him that much more. Happily thanking God for this moment. For allowing me to have 'A' and my 3 other living children!

When the dishes were piling up and laundry as well. I chose to NOT be angry that I was the only person doing it. I choose to be thankful for the opportunities to serve my family by doing these chores. And you know what? My oldest pitched in willingly and happily I might add!

This morning I woke with a new outlook on trying to live my life. I loaded my 4 older kids in the van and surprised them by going to the bowling alley. Unfortunately there were about 75 old people there ready to take over the whole alley for league. So we basically drove a good half hour out of our way just to sit in a bowling alley to eat our lunch for 45 minutes. I could have been really angry and taken my frustration out on the poor guy running the place but instead, I told my kids who were highly disappointed that they didn't get to bowl..."Hey. We got to eat lunch in a bowling alley! We have never JUST eaten lunch in a bowling alley before! That was pretty awesome!" I then made a quick change in our plans and we headed to an indoor trampoline place and had a blast! Grabbed ice cream on our way home and played outside!

Does this mean I have moved on? No. Does this mean I won't ever complain again? Unfortunately not. I am human. Does this mean that I am past grieving my sons death? No. It just means that I am trying to hold on to the main thing in this world that I CAN HAVE CONTROL OVER...MYSELF!

This sermon really made me rethink. Reevaluate.

I know God has a bigger plan then I will ever know in this life. Yes, I am disappointed that MY Perfect plans for this life haven't worked in my favor. It was a nice reminder that I am NOT in control of what happens. I only get to control the way I react and handle the situations that come my way.

I get to...fine joy and peace in MY............DISAPPOINTMENTS!