My friend DVRed Return to Zero the Movie for me. It aired on Lifetime a week ago! So tonight I decided that I was going to go over to her house to watch it. I took along with me: my husband and ALL 4 of our children. I knew there would be scenes where I felt my kids needed to cover their eyes and because I had seen the movie back in March, I could tell them when to do so. 'A' fell asleep quickly once the movie started. Thank goodness. Destruction free. Everyone else's eyes were affixed upon the TV screen.
I had explained to my kids right before we started the movie that this wasn't a happy, ha-ha kind of movie. This was a true story based on a family, who's baby died. Just like ours and that this movie might be difficult to watch. Nobody protested.
We watched as Maggie (played by Minnie Driver) learned that her son Arthur didn't have a heart beat. Oh how fresh that all too familiar phrase was replaying once again in my mind. My heart racing a thousand times faster then normal. The feeling of shock and disbelief, rushing over your whole body. Consuming you with a deep dark grief, that only those that have lived it, truly can understand.
Everyone else was handling the movie so well. At least that is what it seemed. That was until Maggie actually gave birth to Arthur and she's hugging him and crying. 'T' my 11yr old leaned over onto my arm and mustered out..."I can take it any more. I just can't watch it any more." Uncontrollable sobs poured out his eyes. 2 watery cascades of salty tears just flowing like waterfalls. I hugged him tightly and while doing so, I am telling him how much I love him. I tell him how sorry I am for HIS loss. I am sorry there isn't anything that I can do to fix this. After a few minutes, I was able to convince him that the movie does end happier and to finish out the last 15-20 minutes of the movie.
We finished it and headed home. Once at home, everyone quickly changes for bed and I realize 'T' is on the couch. He is crying once again. We talk. We cry. We hug. We laugh. We hug & we cry some more. And an hour later he is finally in bed.
I truly hate that I can't FIX any of this pain or sorrow. For myself. For my husband. For my kids.
The past few months have been extremely emotional for ME. At times I forget that my children are suffering as well. After all they did loose a BABY BROTHER. He died. He isn't coming back. As much as I am hurting over Harbor being gone, I can only imagine how it must feel to lose a baby brother.
How do families pick up the pieces after a loss? How do they glue back the tiny shards of their life, that are all shattered upon the floor? It seems impossible. Grains of sand so fine you can barely see them with the naked eye. But you know there there. You can feel it.
I pray that peace will come unto my family. A peace so powerful and bold, that we will become like an Anchor in that sand.
Strong & Mighty.
But like that Anchor, we will become..........UNMOVABLE!
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