Jealousy.

The emotion of jealousy comes into play a lot more then I would have ever realized after a loss of a baby.

My emotions have increased and my awareness has heightened. Little things that never would have bothered me....do now.

I am focused....well, maybe just more aware of others and the things they say & do. Wether it is geared towards me or not. I know sometimes I take it personal.

Like this last week, my cousin announced that she was excited because she was having her baby shower. Normally I would be over the moon thrilled for her and any one else I know in this situation. I mean who doesn't LOVE a baby shower? Everyone does! That is....until you have experienced a loss of a baby. My cousin and I were due 1 week apart and it's another reminder that life is moving on....with or without Harbor in it. It makes me so jealous because Harbor was very much wanted.

Another friend of mine is due a week later then Harbor's due date and she has been posting pictures of her ever growing belly. I find myself more depressed and resentful towards her and everyone else I know that is expecting. I don't mean to be. I don't want to be. I just can't seem to help it.

The other night, while at an Ice cream parlor, I went to check my family in and a pregnant lady walked in, in front of me. I wish so bad to have changed places with this woman. I wanted and should have had a belly, big and round. Feeling Harbor wiggling and kicking me.

While out with my husband Saturday Morning, I had a melt down.

I am sad, depressed, jealous and overwhelmed beyond belief. So many friends and family members getting ready to have their baby showers & babies now. Just more hurtful reminders that life is and will continue too move on without Harbor. And there's nothing I can do to change or fix the outcome. It just sucks!