Regrets.

I DO have regrets about Harbor's Death.

Regret #1: Complaining about his possible gender.

You see, I have 3 living BOYS and 1 living GIRL. I half jokingly kept telling everyone that if "this" baby (Harbor) was another boy, I got 2 weeks to cry and complain about it and then I had to move on and get over the fact that it was boy #4 for us. I truly regret that statement above and it is probably 1 of my biggest regrets. I hate that I felt so strongly against having "Another" boy. Now I would do just about anything to bring my son back. To just hear him cry, look at me or even just kick me from in utero.

Regret #2: Not having any form of clothing or blanket for him to be cremated in.

There is something comforting to know that when someone dies, that they have clothing on. Not just ANY clothing, but maybe their favorite clothes or some sort of clothing that is special. I could have even settled on a blanket that was hand made with so much love, just for him. But Harbor had NOTHING. It bothers me so much some days. I have made special blankets and clothing for all 4 of my other children. But I didn't have enough time on my hands. And it certainly wasn't the 1st thing that came to mind when we were informed he no longer had a heart beat. Below is a link to an article that makes me so happy! There are people that care and it is amazing! I just wish that Harbor could have had something like this when we died.

http://t.today.com/moms/somebody-cares-donated-wedding-dresses-become-angel-gowns-babies-who-2D79476642

Or you can visit their personal webpage here: http://www.nicuhelpinghands.org/angel-gowns/

Regret #3: Choosing to NOT allow our older children the choice to come see Harbor in person.

The ONLY complaint my 8 yr old daughter had, was NOT being able to hold her baby brother. I think my heart broke into a gazillion pieces more, after hearing her sobbing about it. My husband and I felt at the time we were making the right decision on behalf of our children. We didn't know what the state of Harbor's remains would be in by the time he was born. We didn't even know if an induction was even going to work. We were impending a dreaded doom of a possible D&E (dilate and extract, an abortion process which is inhumane in my personal books and if that were to happen, we wouldn't have been allowed to see him.) We were scared beyond belief and totally unprepared for any of the events we were to go through. So the thought at the time was...it was too hard for US, so it would be even harder for our children. But I think I underestimated my children's need for closure, when Harbor died. I am so sorry kids, that daddy and I had to make such a difficult decision. We love you and wish that things could have played out differently.