I can't even begin to explain how it feels. I try to explain it, but I don't even think my words make sense anymore. At least not to me.
Harbor has now been gone, nearly as long as he was alive.
(That is the worst sentence I have written in a long time.)
For me it feels as though he died yesterday. Feelings, emotions, visions just as fresh and raw as the day he stole my heart & drifted off to heaven with it.
I don't even know what to say or write anymore. Other then today was another rough day. Milestones that would have been joyous but that are now filled with more disappointment, more sorrow, more grief.
Oh, how I long to cuddle him, look at him and kiss him again. To be granted that dreadfully hard day again, would be much better then the days, weeks and months I have faced since HE has been gone.
Tears fill my eyes as I think about all that seems lost. My hopes, my dreams, my future...all filled with happiness...gone. 14 weeks ago everything seemed alright...now, it's all just gone.
This evening while I was cooking dinner, spaghetti to be exact. My mom asked if there was anything she could do to help. I said we need spaghetti sauce. She brought out the huge jar of Prego sauce that we had used in our Pregnancy Announcement pictures. I debated on telling her the value of this particular jar of sauce and what it meant to me. But who am I kidding? It's spaghetti sauce for crying out loud.
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| (This was how I told my husband that we were expecting Harbor!) |
But I seriously have been holding back the tears since. Who knew something as insignificant as spaghetti sauce could have such a huge impact on me. But it was THE JAR, the one we held in our hands. To announce to the world we were excited and happy to be expecting another child. My mom didn't know or realize, so I'm not upset with her. I'm just sad that that memento is no longer going to be in our pantry. That reminder of Harbor, alive in my tummy, is gone forever.
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