My thoughts about Mother's Day

This Mother's Day is stirring up a lot more emotions then I had anticipated.

Why? It's not like this is your 1st Mother's Day. After all, it is just another...silly holiday. You must be asking yourself this, right?

Mother's Day holds a heavy spot in my heart. Mother's Day is an extra reminder of just how much I miss Harbor and Jamie.

My husband and I had announced we were expecting Jamie (our 1st Miscarried baby) on Mother's Day. We had actually found out we were expecting just before our 1st Born sons, 1st birthday! We decided that it would be so fun to wait and announce to the whole family that we were expecting again, at our Mother's Day get together. We got a nice jewelry case box and placed our Positive Pregnancy Test inside. Wrapped it up nicely and gave it to my Mother-in-law. We couldn't wait to see her reaction. She opened the box. Looked confused for a few moments, then, bing! The light switch turned on & "Are you serious?" Poured out! We were thrilled. Over the moon, excited! But about a month and half later, I miscarried. So Mother's Day has always been hard for me.

This year, I don't expect anything less. It's a painful, extra reminder, emphasized on being the one thing I cherish the most...A Mother.

If you can't imagine how that would feel...try this...trying imagining the 1 person you wouldn't want to have to live the rest of your life without (a grandparent, your mother, your dad, a friend, a pet, whomever.) Now imagine...that unfortunately you HAVE TO live your life without them in it. So, from now on...1 specific day a year...EVERYONE rubs it in your face that they are no longer alive and their own (grandparent, parent, spouse, friend, pet, whomever) is. Ha! Ha!

Now, I imagine that is as close to how you can personally relate. But a 1000 times worse.

For me it is hard because I DO have living children. I KNOW what I am missing out on: Homemade cards, stamped with cute, chubby little hands & feet print! Misspelled, hand written, heart felt cards! Adorable tissue paper flowers! Glitter covered drawings! I love you's! Coupons promising to "be good for the whole day" or for "one extra hug!" Freshly picked flowers (or weeds) from the yard that were so lovingly hand picked just for me!

Mother's Day is a day to reflect on Thanking your Mom for bringing you into this world. But who thanks a mom on Mother's Day for giving birth to her deceased child? No one.

For giving birth to them, knowing that it will be the ONLY time you get to touch, kiss,  hold, smell, look at, take pictures of them. The ONLY time when you truly feel as though you get to BE the Mother to that child.

Mother's Day this year is going to be harder because this year...I have 2 in Heaven.