I have to say that I have been pleasantly surprised with myself on a few attempts so far.
You see...I don't have much to hold on to, in the sense of tangible items to remind me of Harbor. We as humans, seem to think that possessions, help us remember, honor and capture our memories. I have found this to be true on numerous occasions.
Example: when we moved from Colorado to California we had to pack our whole house. Well, in doing so, touching a certain item, triggered certain memories or thoughts. Mostly of good, pleasant, happy moments! But there were some things that triggered unhappy thoughts or memories, as well.
Much like a Hoarder that I have seen on TV shows. The Hoarder has a deep emotional attachment to different items in their house. Causing them to have serious mental, emotional and physical responses to each time. Making it hard to let go of each item.
For me, loosing Harbor at 16 weeks didn't give me many tangible items to remind me of HIM or my pregnancy. Or items to trigger happy, joyous memories that I have spent with HIM.
My grief right now...IS tangible. It is something that I have been holding onto. As sad as that may sound (even to myself.)
His orange blanket...IS tangible. It is something I have and can snuggle with if I wanted too. That HE touched! But the memories associated with his blanket is tainted. Tainted with death. Tainted with sorrow. Tainted with pain. Just tainted.
His Urn...is tangible. As hard as it is, to sit and hold his tiny heart shaped urn. It is also tainted. Tainted with grief. Tainted with guilt for NOT being present at his cremation. Tainted with regrets of NOT having him cremated IN or ON something. Tainted with loss. Tainted with sadness.
My dear sweet neighbor and friend has taken it upon herself to reach out to me during this difficult trial in my life. She has gone above and beyond what a friend or family member would do. She has: written cards, made me a Mother's Necklace with Harbor's a birth date on it, she has driven with me 3 hrs each direction just to see Return To Zero the movie with me. This same friend recently bought and named a Star in honor of Harbor! She has helped me make Harbor's Little Wooden Box a reality.
I love that she has helped me to have positive, happy, joyful tangible items to remind me of my son.
Even with all that my dear sweet friend has done for me to honor him, I still feel so detached from him. So I started dabbling in some art. I started with a drawing and I am very impressed with myself and how it has turned out! Now, I am by NO means a good artist. Unless you qualify stick figures as an artistic ability. Ha! Ha! Ha!
I have also tried my hands at sculpting. I used Model Magic clay because I have sensory issues with Play-doh and mainly because I home school my 4 older children and Model Magic clay is all that we have in our home. So I sat down and tried to create an Angel boy out of this clay. He is kneeling down, sobbing his heart out with his face buried in his hands. He does have wings on his back as well. It's not perfect in any way. But neither am I.
I am grabbing at and trying out ways to process, in ways I never knew existed. I am trying to create Tangible things that remind me of him. That don't send me back to a dark place in my life. I am trying to soften my blow of reality. I am taking hurtful emotions and trying to make them more comfortable to feel, see, process and understand.
I am grabbing at whatever I can that is...TANGIBLE.
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