27 Weeks...

I often sit and wonder how things would be if Harbor was still alive.

I know. I know.

Why torture myself? But I do frequently.

Today. Today would have marked his 27th week of being alive! But unfortunately it's been 12 weeks since he's been gone. I hate that it's been nearly as long since he died, as he was alive.

Today is the 1st time I have looked at my What to Expect When You're Expecting book since Harbor died. I actually threw the stupid book away and never wanted to see that reminder again. But today, I was curious as to what he might have been like had he had more time with me. Crazy? Quite possibly. But I can't stop thinking about him. This loss's impact has been far more difficult then when I lost our 1st baby @ 12 weeks. Because with our 1st loss, the baby had been absorbed. So the reality of my loss actually being a real life baby, wasn't as prominent as when Harbor died. Don't get me wrong. I mourned the 1st loss badly. I stayed in bed and sobbed for days. My in-laws came over 1 day and helped where they could with my oldest son 'T', who was only 15 months old at the time. The grieving process was completely different.

But today...he would have been 27 weeks old! We would be feeling and seeing him move in my tummy. We would be getting ready to welcome home my youngest sister from her 18 month long mission for our church! This was one of my highlighted milestones during Harbor's pregnancy. I was looking forward to this day since the beginning.

This week (according to What to Expect When You're Expecting book) this week Harbor would have graduated into a new growth chart. No longer being measured from crown to rump, but now being measured from head to toe. And he would have been close to 15 inches long. He would have been about 2 pounds.

That's all a far cry from the measurements that he actually was when he was born. If you don't remember, he was 5 1/2 inches long and a measly, 2.12 ounces. Not even a pound. He was so tiny. But completely perfect!

This week: his taste buds would have increased. Which means he would be able to taste the difference in the amniotic fluid when I would have eaten and he would have reacted to spicy foods. Or get hiccups. Oh how I wish I could have felt those pesky hiccups. I remember laughing at times with my older children when they would get hiccups. My tummy would rhythmically bounce and jump!

Why do I do this to myself? Ugh...why to I sit and ponder on the what if's?

This week would have been the closing of my 6th month being pregnant and the start of my 7th month. I can't help but think about everything that I would be doing to get ready to meet Harbor in person. Had we just made it a few more weeks...I can't help but wonder if he might have had a chance to survive. But then reality sets in again. This isn't a possible outcome. Stop dwelling on the: should haves, could haves, would haves. But it's extremely hard not too.

So now I've have looked in the index of this well known book to search for the information they have shared about Late Miscarriages. To my surprise they only have a very small 4-5 paragraphs on this subject. No wonder I felt unprepared for such a horrific possibility. (One of the questions it answers is) HOW COMMON IS IT? Late miscarriages occur in about 1 in 1,000 pregnancies.

What? 1 in a 1,000! Wow! No wonder I naively went along in my pregnancies all these times and never once even thought it could possibly happen to me. This book makes it seem like it almost never happens. And definitely NOT to people like me. People whom: don't smoke, don't drink, don't do drugs, eats healthy, makes good choices...I mean, it couldn't possibly happen to that kind of person. WRONG. So very misleading. I feel sucker punched in the gut. Well, if a well known pregnancy book barely says anything about Late Miscarriages, then it most certainly couldn't happen to THAT many people.

But reality sets in again...information had been misinterpreted and it most certainly can happen to even the best of the best. The most careful of careful people. It happens. A lot more then the What to Expect When You're Expecting book leads on. It's not the Holy Grail of Pregnancy books. I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you that.

All I have ever wanted to be was a Mother. I have wanted LOTS of kids since I was 7 or 8 years old. Thankfully I have living children to love, hold, kiss and remind me how grateful I am. But my heart aches for the children I won't get to do those things with also. Especially with the thought of Mother's Day quickly approaching. I don't want to have anything to do with Mother's Day. Not this year at least.

But I will save that for another day.

Because today. Today...I am mourning 27 weeks and all the good things that were attached to Harbor's growth. Today I am mourning that I won't ever get these weeks back. All the possibilities, the hopes & the dreams that were attached to this week and the weeks to come.

Just so we're Clear...

Let me clear up a few things, because obviously some people need to be informed.

Clear up #1: I don't have the plague.

As much as you feel the need to distant yourself from me, please don't. It's more hurtful towards me and YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DIE FROM BEING AROUND OR TOUCHING ME.

Clear up #2: Your baby isn't going to die if I touch it.

I have now had 3 people refuse to allow me to hold their babies since Harbor has died. I'm not sure what they are thinking or if I'm just taking it too personal. But seriously, it is hard enough for me to be in the same room as your babies, let alone ask to hold them. And when you refuse for whatever reason, I feel as though you believe I have the plague. And that if I touch your baby it will contract it. Please see Clear up #1 for information on that subject.

Clear up #3: I'm NOT ready to listen to anyone complain about a newborn crying.

As flattered as I should be that you may feel comfortable enough to call me and ask me for advice because YOUR newborn screamed bloody murder/crying all night. But honestly...I can't handle it. I just want to yell at you. What wouldn't I give to be able to hold MY OWN screaming, crying newborn ALL NIGHT LONG.

Clear up #4: I don't give a flying flip about what so and so gave you as a baby gift.

Please for the love of...anything holy, please don't freaking share detailed information about...the oh, so sweet...blah, blah, blah...you received. I'm already jealous of your healthy, living baby in your arms. I can't handle the over joyous crap you just received for baby so-in-so too.

Clear up #5: Just because you have seen me smiling or laughing, don't assume everything in life is peachy.

Underneath my smiles and laughter there is many, many tears. I spent some of yesterday bawling. Today, I've been on the verge. Something small or something big can trigger the water works. It could be a certain word. Or scent. Or song. It could just be a thought or something I've just seen.

Clear up #6: I hate being told that I am strong or brave.

How can a person be considered Strong after their baby dies? Why am I considered Strong? Because I haven't committed suicide to join my baby. Or because you couldn't handle it as well as I can. At least that is what I've been told. But yet I'm expected to be better now. To have moved on and over the fact that my baby died 3 months ago.

I'm brave? How? I didn't have a choice to loose my son. Bravery is an action word for doing something or standing up to something. It is best described by me: I might be considered brave if I was face to face with a bear and had a gun in my hands, but certainly not in this situation and the death of my son.

I am sure I can come up with many more and I might possibly at a later date. But I will stop there this evening.

Saying Good-bye.

This was our last homework assignment because last night was our last meeting. We got to bring anything we wanted to share with the other couples about our babies. My husband and I brought Harbor's Little Wooden box. We shared photos, his blanket and his feet prints.

Others shared their photos as well! It was so nice to officially see their babies and some mementos of their babies! By the end of class, nobody wanted to leave. It's a bitter sweet moment that you don't want leave. The bonds that we have forged together as we are grieving our losses is irreplaceable. I personally didn't want this to be our last weekly meeting. It was something that I looked forward to all week long. A time when I could freely share how I truly felt and receive feedback from others that could personally relate. I hope that our friendships continue to grow and that we will still see each other at monthly meetings.

Homework (Week 4) ~April 14, 2014~
Week 4: Journaling Topic:
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Write a letter to your baby. Tell them of your hopes and dreams for them, or express to them the emotion you are feeling now that they are gone.

My dear sweet Harbor boy,
Oh how I miss you moving & growing within my belly. The days are turning into weeks without you here. Your big brothers & sissy, miss you so much as well. Our hearts won't ever be the same again. Your life, even though it was only a short span, has marked a huge spot in our worlds. Every time 1 of your older siblings do something: funny, crazy, cute or annoying, I can't help but wonder how you would have changed our dynamics.

From the moment I knew you were alive & growing, I envisioned you! I had planned out holidays spent with you. You would have made the cutest little Superman at Halloween time! Friends & family members would have smothered you with hugs & kisses! You would be held all the time. I truly don't think you would ever be laid down!

Your big brother 'T' was looking forward to lovin' on you! He already had things he so lovingly wanted to do with you! Like rock you to sleep while singing songs to you. He wanted to make you laugh & smile. He has cried the hardest since you left us.

Your big Sister's biggest complaint is that she didn't get to hold you. She has cried many times with the thought of NOT being able to hold you until she goes to Heaven. She loves you and misses you dearly.

Your big brother 'M' loves to talk about you and draw pictures of you with Jesus! It warms my heart and makes me smile! He misses you as well but it's a nice comfort when he reminds me of who you get to spend your days with! I know you are being well taken care of and are surrounded by friends & family members that will love on you until the day I get too!

I was looking forward to moments spent with you in my arms. Nursing you. Hugging you. Bathing you. Touching & counting each little finger & toe. Running my finger over your chubby cheeks. Gazing into your eyes and watching them light up when you recognized it was me! The sleepless nights. The diaper changes. I was looking forward to all of it. My arms ache with emptiness and the lack of your presence is noticed and felt throughout my day.

Oh, what wouldn't I give, to hold you 1 more time?

Last week, your daddy & I went to Ikea. On our drive there, we smiled in delight as we took the Harbor exit (the very Exit, you where named after)  & then the very next exit we took was Reed St exit (which we didn't realize)! How ironic! Your 1st & middle name, 1 right after the other! It felt like a sign from you. Letting us know you were present, when we needed to feel you most!

The days...weeks...and even months now, aren't getting any easier without you here. Every time your big brother 'A' sees a baby, he feels compelled to hug & kiss them or pick them up. And every time, I think of how he would have loved you to pieces too! He loves to hold your urn and kiss it! Much how he would have cuddled with you in person!

I'm not gunna lie...I miss you so badly. I wish I had more time with you.

So much I want to say to you...but you know the intentions of my heart and the words I can't seem to find to say to you. Heaven has another special little guy and they are lucky to have you back.

I'll love you forever, my sweet baby boy!

Much love, Always and forever!

Love your Mommy

How does 1+1=3?

At what point does one...stop counting the days, weeks, months or years since their baby dies?
For me it has been: 69 days, 11 weeks and nearly 3 months since Harbor was born. Still counting.

At what point does one...not look at certain dates and cry?
For me: Holidays, birthdays, my little sister coming home, July 30th my due date, my calendar on my cell phone has OB Dr appts and my 20 week ultrasound appt scheduled. Still breaks my heart.

At what point does one...start looking ahead? Planning for the future?
For me: I would love to look ahead without fear of everything. To have another baby and be a happy person again. But that day isn't today.

These are only a couple of the questions floating around in my mind this evening.

At times I wonder about our future. Like...

Are we going to try to have more children? If so, when is a good time? Too soon and everyone will think we have moved on. Waiting too long and everyone will think we are finished or too consumed in grief to go forward and have more children.

We know we would like to have more children. We had talked about having 5 kids when we were dating. Well, we now have had 6 kids, 4 living, 2 in Heaven. Most only realize we have had 1 loss. But we have now experienced 2. We lost a baby at 12 weeks back in 2004. It would have been born between our 2 oldest living children.

For me, this whole process makes me come across as a mathematical genius. I will give you a break down that runs through my head:

It takes 9 months or 37-42 weeks for a baby to grow to term.
If we get pregnant in...such in such month...our baby could possibly be born in...?
Then if we have another miscarriage or late term miscarriage that can set us back a few months on having a health baby in our arms, born at term.
So we are looking at another year or 2 before we could potentially have a healthy baby.
Then there's the whole, it took us a year to get pregnant with our son 'A'. So we could be looking at another year on top of that.

Ugh...my mind seems so wrapped up in the logistics of it all and I can't seem to be okay with any of it. I wanted and was looking forward to having a healthy baby this year. Spaced close to 2 years apart from his older brother. Now the thought that it might never happen again, makes me worried and sad.

I don't have a say in the outcome of my future. Not to the full extent that I thought I had. There is NO telling what our future holds.

Because 1 + 1 CAN equal 3! (You + Spouse = you, spouse & baby)

But if baby dies then, 1 + 1= 2. (You + Spouse)

Just saying...

My Obsession.

Robert Munsch's book titled "LOVE YOU FOREVER". Has always been my top favorite book since I was younger. But recently I read an article about this book. That solidified my LOVE for it!

It was an interview with Mr. Munich on 'What inspired' this beloved popular children's book. He went on to explain that him & his wife had lost 2 babies. They were Stillborn. He wrote this book for them! This article didn't mean as much or didn't hit home as much as it does now, months later.

I have read this book to my own children as they have grown up & I will continue doing so, for as long as I can! Quite often, you can hear myself or my oldest son singing it to a baby that is needing comfort or to a child that is tired.

The meaning behind this book is so powerful! A mother that LOVES her son SO MUCH as he grows up, that every night while he sleeps, she rocks him & sings to him!

I would like to believe that Mr. Munsch wrote this book for his Wife's aching heart. To help sooth their aching souls. To truly put into words what THEY (and anyone else who has lost a baby or child) would have wanted to do with their son!

IMAGINE HIM...HOLD HIM...SING TO HIM...ROCK HIM...JUST LOVE HIM!

After Harbor died, this article about this book came to mind. Now every time I'm in a  thrift shop and I see this book...I HAVE TO BUY IT. No joke. I have 8 copies of this book right now sitting on my shelf above Harbor's Memory Box. On this past Saturday, I bought 2 of them!

So I have been thinking for the past 2 weeks that I wanted to do something special for the 3 other couples in our Grief Support Group. But I have been having a hard time figuring out what to do or make or give to them. That was until I found those last 2 copies of this book. My ONLY fear is...that I will come across, as an insensitive jerk. That, maybe, my thoughtful, loving gesture, will come across as a painful reminder that our babies aren't here. So I talked with my little sister about my idea and she suggested that I write a personal note to each of the couples inside or in a card to give to them along with the book. So that they could know that I mean well. That sounded like a great idea to me!

Tonight is our last Grief Support Group meeting. I am sad because it has been really helpful. It's nice to be able to talk about my feelings openly with others that understand. Who aren't judge mental or make me feel like I'm burdening them with my grief. So tonight as we share our babies memories & mementos with each other...I will be giving these books, as a way to honor Harbor!

And Because Harbor isn't here for me to read to or sing to in person, I am singing out loud to him the song:

"I love you forever!
I like you for always!
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be!"

Because as long as I'm living......My Baby.....You'll be!

Happy 1st Easter!

Today is Easter.

So many things made today difficult.

During our church service, as a song was playing that the congregation was singing...I started crying. It was a song about Christ & heaven.

Also While at church, I received a sweet & thoughtful text message from my older sister. It read: "Hey, I just wanted to let you know we have announced our baby on Facebook. We are so excited! We love you and think of you and Harbor often."

If you couldn't guess...I started bawling. No holding back. I have known my sister was pregnant for months. She found out in January. We had talked back then, about us both having horrible morning sickness this time around. So it's not like it was a surprise or anything. I suppose I was upset because I'm reminded once again, that life continues on for everyone else.

But for me...my life is on pause.

My sister also announced her 5th baby is another BOY! I'm happy for her! We have shared pregnancies #1, #2 & #3 together and we each had our #4 NOT when the other was pregnant. But then we were excited to be sharing our 5th babies being due close together again.

So maybe you can imagine how hard it still was to hear her message. I appreciated the heads up. It was so thoughtful & kind of her to do so. And she didn't have to do that. But she did!

It's just hard for me to swallow the fact that her son has passed Harbor's gestational age and the probability that her son will be born full term, healthy & alive...stings a little. My pea size brain can't seem to understand the WHY's.

WHY...did my son have to die?

WHY...couldn't I have had more time with My baby, like my Sister-in-law, my sister or my friends?

WHY...me?.....Again.

We then spent the majority of our afternoon with our newly born nephew. My husband was surprised that I held him as much as I did. But for me...it was therapeutic, a bit. My heart ached badly. And I'm sure I looked as though I was in outer space somewhere. I felt like crying the whole time, but I put on my best happy face. I listened as my brother & sister-in-law happily talked about events that happened the day their son was born. I viewed their photos from that day and smiled for their Happy Ever After, with a baby that was never intended to be here. They have 2 older kids and claimed to be finished with having children. So our new nephew was a huge surprise baby for them, nearly 12 yrs after their original last kid.

So it's hard to not be a little sad at the fact that WE have wanted more children & have tried hard to become pregnant. Then when we finally became pregnant, we loose him.

So today, I had to do something for myself. I needed to feel as though Harbor was validated on this 1st Holiday without him. So I bought 6 helium balloons: Red, orange, yellow, green, light blue & lavender! I took a picture with all 4 of my living children with 1 of the balloons to represent Harbor!

Then, We each wrote a message to Harbor & released our balloons up to Heaven, for him! I took pictures of each message that was lovingly & heartfelt wrote by: myself, my husband and all 4 of our living children! It was such a bitter sweet moment. I think my in-laws were a tad weirded out by it, but that's ok. I have to do for my family what we need done, to help us heal. And I am glad we did it!

Happy 1st Easter with Jesus, Harbor boy! We miss you & love you dearly! Life just isn't the same without you here.

My Condolences...

Homework (Week 3) ~April 14, 2014~
Week 3: Journaling Topic:
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Write a condolence letter to your spouse.

Dear Nathan,

I wanted to say I am so sorry that your son, Harbor, has past away. I can completely understand how that must feel. I am sorry that you won't be able to watch him grow up or hear him say "Da-da." Or be able to see him smile at you. I can't help but feel responsible for your loss and I am truly sorry. I have appreciated you being by my side through this difficult time. I can't imagine some of the turmoil and heartache that only you, personally, can go through, as a dad. But you are an amazing husband & father!

It must have been really hard to sit beside me during the day we knew Harbor was going to be born and hold yourself together as well as you did. I was impressed watching you that day. What strength you showed me as a man of God! To watch you look up scriptures & stories about Prophets that have experienced loosing their own children. I appreciated that more then you may ever realize.

I am sorry your family & friends haven't been supportive or sensitive towards your feelings. I am also sorry that you took the brunt of people at church in order to protect my feelings. It has been a rough 9 weeks without your son in it. It hasn't been easy for the rest of us either.

We have been through so much in our married life and I couldn't imagine my life without you. Harbor will continue to be included in our family conversations, holidays & photos! He is your son & no one can take that away. No matter if we are able to have another child or not. He will not be replaced.

I hope & pray that you will find comfort & peace and know that you have a family that loves you dearly!

I love Harbor's name so much, because I truly feel HE is our Safe Harbor. He is a peaceful child & he is the calm after this storm. May he will be your light house & your beacon that rescues you from the hurt & pain of his passing. I love you babe.

I just want you to know that I am here for you as well! I love you so much!

Love Always & Forever! ~ Your Baby Blues (Robin)

Staying United.

Then, For this Weeks assignment, it was about Grieving as a Couple. We filled out a Work sheet, on what we thought about ourselves & our spouses and our processes of Grieving. I found it quite surprising to find out that my husband & I were very much on the same page. There were a few things that I didn't realize that my husband does...like I didn't realize that he looks at pictures & touch's Harbor's stuff. That was nice to know. Also at the bottom of our Work sheet it had 5 questions. The following are the questions & my personal responses:

Homework (Week 3) Couples Work Sheet ~April 13, 2014~
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1.) When I am upset or hurting, what I really want from my partner is...
*To feel loved. Not be pressed to talk about whatever is making me upset. Sometimes, just left alone.

2.) My partner tries to help by...
*Hugging me. Talking to me. Sometimes he makes dinner or takes over with the bigger kids.

3.) If I could ask my partner to do one thing for me, it would be...
*To continue letting me know...He loves me & that I am doing a good job. Basically, I want to feel validated.

4.) Probably the biggest problem my partner and I face is...
*Miscommunication. Which leads to frustration & anger. Then, Arguing. It can be over something one of us thought the other said or didn't say. And not understanding where the other is on the Wheel of Grief.

5.) I now realize that if i could change one thing about myself in order to get a long better with my partner as we grieve, it would be...
*Be more compassionate towards my husband. Happily do things to help make life better for him, so he won't feel so stressed out.

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This new up in coming week is considered our last and final week of meeting in our Short Term Group. This weeks journaling topic is to write a condolence letter to our spouse about our loss. And/or write a letter letting our spouse know what we need or want from them during this healing process.

I have chosen to write a condolence letter to my husband. But I will save that for another day.

New Addition. No! I'm NOT Pregnant.

Today my family finally met our newest nephew for the 1st time since he was born. He is now 3 weeks old. We weren't planning on seeing him until Easter Sunday. But plans changed and our oldest was going to need to be picked up from my sister-in-laws house. We had a short amount of time to see the baby since we were on a time crunch to get kids to Taekwondo.

I know this might sound awful...but I was dreading the whole scenario that was playing in my mind. I seriously had heart palpitations and I just wanted to cry in terror. (Wow...I surprise myself, just writing that.)

But it's all true.

As I drove nearer to their house the internal panic increased & my blood pressure did too. How was this all going to play out? Sheer panic.

We made it inside the house and congratulated my sister-in-law. She was showing her son to my husband. I asked if I could hold him. She handed him over and instantly, my eyes filled with tears. My thoughts turned to a mixture of emotions, but mostly...sadness and happiness.

Looking my nephew over. Trying to in vision Harbor, if he had made it to full term. I wanted so terribly bad to whisper in his ear, those Words that I would have said to him had our outcome been different. "I love you and I'm so glad you're here." I mean, how hard could it be? Very hard. Harder then I realized.

He was so cute. He looked just like his daddy. My brother-in-law. He had quite a bit of black hair on his head. Cutest little nose. Poutiest bottom lip.

'A' was so cute with his newest cousin! He kept coming over & hugging him & kissing his head. Saying "Baby! Baby! Baby!" He then wanted to sit down and hold him! Kissing his head over & over & over again. It was a sweet moment.

But then I have to ruin it with thoughts of Harbor. Thinking this is how it was suppose to be. We were suppose to be the parents of a new baby & 'A' was suppose to be smothering OUR baby with hugs & kisses. Ugh...I hate feeling so jealous. I truly don't think I could have prepared myself for all that. I decided that my husband needed to have a turn. So I took the baby over to him to hold for a minute before we had to leave.

He was reluctant and as soon as our nephew was in his arm...instantly...tears filled his eyes. I could see how hard it was for my husband as well. He held him for a few minutes, commenting on some of his adorable features. He also noticed how much our nephew looked like our brother-in-law. He then stood up, walked over to his Sister and gave her a hug. I'm not sure of the words he spoke to her. But I would like to think he was congratulating her & telling her, he is beautiful!

We then had to hand the baby back & rush out the door. We were going to be late for Taekwondo.

Regardless of how we were feeling during the visit...we are glad that we finally met him and I hope in time, we will be able to hold our nephew & other babies & not long for the day when we get to hold Harbor again.

No Expiration Date On Grieving.

Then in Week 2, I felt our topics were even harder for me to answer. But I will share them with you as well:

Homework (Week 2) ~April 11, 2014~
Week 2: Journaling Topics
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*Write a letter to your family and friends explaining what you need from them.

Dear friends, family members, co-workers....

I am in need of your continued love, light & support. Although it has been just over 8 weeks since Harbor's death. I am still dealing with so many emotions I didn't even know, ever existed. My children are still dealing with emotions that they have never experienced before. We have experienced a loss that is devastating to US.

It will take time, months, possibly even years, for our family to work through the grief and sorrow we feel. We will cry more then usual and at times, even seem angry. But please understand that this is perfectly okay, the tears we cry are for Harbor and the memories & experiences that we will miss out on, with him.

We know how uncomfortable our situation is for most of our friends & family members to cope with. We are having a hard time coping as well. Please know that your presence can be helpful. That talking about Harbor, by name, is like music to our ears. I know some might feel like they are sparing us from heartache by not mentioning him, but the truth is we will always hurt. He was and will continue to be a part of my families lives. It's important to our family that he is recognized.

If you don't feel comfortable talking about Harbor, it is perfectly Okay to: give us hugs, write cards or notes of encouragement or well wishes, a text or a phone call saying "I was thinking of you, today!" It is perfectly okay to say "I just don't really know what to say or do for you or your family." Because truth be told...neither do we! But your presence in our lives means more now then ever before, even though we may, at times, seem distant.

The loss of Harbor has been the most difficult thing we could have been asked to endure. We know that in time we will learn to laugh & smile again, but we will need your support and understanding along the way.

Sincerely~ R
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*Journal about what your family and friends have done that hurts as well as what helps.

HURTFUL
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Belittling our loss.
Acting as though Harbor never existed.
Saying insensitive comments or remarks.
Glamorizing another persons pregnancy or complaining about a pregnancy.
Not asking to see pictures of Harbor.
Not talking to me.
Acting like...I have had enough time to grieve, time to move on.
Telling me...to be grateful that I have living children.
When calling to talk to me, you only talk about the new grand son (that was born after Harbor died.)
Not texting or calling me like before.
Not coming to the hospital when we knew we were going to deliver Harbor.
Not hugging me.
Acting as though we have the plague.
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HELPFUL
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Making a heart the same size & weight as a Harbor.
Making a necklace with Harbors: name & Birth date on it.
Making a painting to honor Harbor!
Asking to see pictures of him.
Wanting to hear his birth story.
Sending cards, filled with love & encouragement.
Hugs.
Talking to me.
Bringing Meals over.
Taking my kids for an afternoon.
Watching the my kids so I can go to Counseling.
Helping keep my laundry clean.
Helping do the dishes.
Inviting us over for dinner & games!
Letting me cry.
Crying with me.
Going to a movie with me, 2 hours away.
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After I finished Week 2's journaling topics, I really felt the need to write Thank you letters to a few key people that have stuck out to me. So I spent a few hours writing Thank you letters to friends & family members! For those that truly know me, know that I am the worlds worst Thank you letter-er. So just felt like I need to express my gratitude a tiny bit more then my heartfelt personal, verbal, Thank you's!

Group Support & Homework

My husband and I have been attending a Grief Support Group for a few weeks now. We have found it to be therapeutic for the both of us. For the last 3 weeks we have been attending a specially designed Group therapy called Short Term Grief.

Each week a topic has been predetermined and we discuss the topic. So at times, something in the work booklet triggers something with 1 of us 4 couples or sometimes we can relate to what we are talking about and share our own experiences with each other. It is quite helpful to know & feel like you aren't alone.

At the close of each week we are given "Homework" assignments or suggested things to do.

I have taken these assignments very serious and have felt the need to really read over & write them out. Answering or fulfilling each "requirement" as I go along.

Now I don't want to be seen as an over achiever. I just want to glean as much as I possibly can to better help myself & those around me cope. (ie: my husband & children) I have learned from my past experiences in therapy sessions that you definitely "Get out of the therapy, what effort you put into it."

So basically if I just show up & do minimal work, then I shouldn't expect to ever fully  gain the maximum benefit from the therapy. But if I put my ALL into bettering myself & learning ways to cope or find healthy ways to move forward, then I WILL! Plain & simple!

Some of our homework assignments I have found to be a bit difficult to answer. I have truly had to dig down deep to honestly answer some of these questions, here is glimpse of Week 1's Homework assignment & my personal responses:

Homework (Week 1) ~April 1st, 2014~
Week 1: Journaling Topics
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What are my feelings about my loss?

A: My feelings about my loss are complex. I feel: sad, disappointed, angry, confused, numb and I could go on.

Somedays I feel like I can move on. But then once I start to do a task to move forward, I become emotional & sometimes very bitter & irritated then I loose interest again.

How did I feel about the meeting? Was it helpful?

A: I am really glad that I have the opportunity to connect & share my experience with other parents that understand. I think that part of my problem during this grieving process is the lack of understanding from others. Friends & family mean well, but not many have walked this road & to avoid hurting my feelings they avoid me, causing more harm then good. I need to know that others care. I need to know that I'm not alone. I need to be able to share my thoughts & feelings about loosing Harbor openly with them. But there isn't anyone there to do so with. So yes I found it helpful in coming to these meetings! I like that we as a group can bounce off some of our own experiences on how to cope or how to handle a situation amongst each other & know that we won't be laughed at or judged for doing so. I appreciate that no one expects me to just "get over" loosing Harbor.

Do I have any regrets? What are they?

A: Yes I have regrets. I regret that I complained during the 1st trimester about having morning sickness. I regret that I didn't tell Harbor that I loved him more often. I regret not being able to make the most of the time I was blessed to have with him in utero. I regret not asking the Drs for more copies of his ultrasound pictures. I regret that I didn't get a chance to make him some sort of clothing to wear or blanket to be cremated in. I regret not taking more pictures of him.

Is there anyone I need to forgive?

A: I probably do. But I can't seem to pinpoint a certain person. Oh wait...Myself! I probably need to be more forgiving on myself. I am hard on my self about his death. I do blame myself for failing him.

Together put sentence to make a words?

The RAW, hurtful, twang isn't as present in my daily life. At least not today. But oh how bipolar grief can be. Just the other night I literally cried myself to sleep, just sobbing over my broken heart that can't seem to be mended. The stresses of my day-to-day just got the best of me & my raging lunatic side was ever so present that evening. My calm, loving, soft spoken side was no were to be found.

My mind can't seem to sit still and focus or concentrate.

I feel as though I'm truly a failure. A failure: to my living children, to my husband, to my angel children, to my friends, to my extended family, to my photography career, to my bow making career and to everything I ever seemed interested in doing before.

I worry about, how the impact of MY grief will effect my living children. Right now I can't seem to get myself together enough to get through a full day of school work. Forget trying to keep up with the everyday life stuff. (ie: dishes, cooking, cleaning, laundry, school work, etc.)

I hate how I view my posts. Personally I feel like a broken record. Saying the same things over & over & over again. Sorry if that's how I come across. My brain is a swirling mess of: information, emotions, fear, guilt and so much more. But I can't seem to grab the words in the correct order to put a sentence together that will make any sense. (hence my title above.)

The Sky Is Falling...

This morning "T" (my newly turned 11yr old) woke up. I could tell he was upset. But it's his birthday and as an 11 yr old he shouldn't have issues yet with growing older. Him having just woke Up, I couldn't figure out what happened. So I called him over to where I was sitting on the couch & asked "What's going on? What's wrong?"

"I had a bad dream. It was so real. It's was so scary." He replied.

Then as he tried to explain his nightmare to me, he began sobbing. In between his sobs he said the following:

"There were bad guys throwing nukes at our house and they were trying to take 'A.'"

He cried even hard at the thought of his little brother being taken away. I snuggled him & reassured him that his brother was still here and okay. I had him hug 'A' and I told him NO war/fighting video games for a while.

The effects on my children from loosing Harbor, haven't been fully felt yet. 'T' has taken our loss the hardest. I believe that's because he is so much like his momma and holds back his emotions & bottles them up. As to not upset others around him.

On Sunday, my husband & I attended our Grief Support Group meeting again. On our way home we were talking about our concerns for 'T.' I feel like he might benefit from a few counseling sessions. He needs to talk to someone and I feel like if he doesn't then his anger is going to get the best of him.

It's such a crazy roller coaster after having a late term miscarriage. But no one seems to notice the surviving children in the family and their possible needs for an outlet to work through their emotions too. Us, as parents are so wrapped up in our own grief. We tend to accidentally over look our living children at times. Unintentionally, of course. By no means would we want to cause more harm then good to any of our children.

I guess I failed to realize that my older children, had hopes & dreams planned out that included Harbor in them, as well. They are mourning the Reality, that opportunities of being able to: hold, kiss, play with, watch them grow, hear them say their names, etc. aren't ever going to happen. That's a HARD reality to have to wad through for me. I can't imagine what that must feel like for my children whom are only: 11yrs, 8yrs & 7yrs old to comprehend as well. It must feel like the sky has fallen upon them and that anything bad, imaginable, can happen in a split second.

'T's' dream has reminded me that I need to find him a safe place to release his worries & fears. With people who are going to reassure him that we will all be okay. Eventually. But that it's okay to feel however he is feeling.

It's just so hard to try & hold myself together during all this turmoil. Let alone hold everyone else up. Keeping myself composed so that it will seem as though life will continue on, unchanged.

But reality is...it has changed. And. So. Have. I.

Night terrors?

Evil lurks in darkness. It haunts my dreams. It makes sleeping or wanting to sleep unbearable. If I could paint a picture of how night feels, it would be like the warmth of summer. Enticing you in with its cosy-ness & relaxing demeanor. Then...wham...your asleep dreaming.

Aaaaaawwwwwww...wonderful!

Right?

Wrong.

Ever so wrong.

My dreams have become a vessel for evil to invade. I am along for the ride, wherever it made lead. I have NO say in where or what happens. Like a kidnapped child.

Last nights visions, dream, nightmare...whatever you feel comfortable with calling it. Was so real. So vivid. Mind trickingly (yes, I made that word up) mean & twisted.

How can my own subconscious make up such lies? How is it even possible to conjure up such cruelties?

While I thought I would be rejuvenating my body & mind during a "peaceful" slumber, when all of a sudden it turns to such pain & sorrow.

Most nights, my brain is stuck on some sort of auto pilot. All I can think about is HIM. All I can think of is Harbor. But particularly last nights dream. I was holding Harbor in my arms. Loving on him. Nursing him. I can't make out what his face looks like. It was all a blur. All I can see is the side of his face & how eerily similar it looks to "A's" profile.

Some would look at my dream as a sweet, tender moment.

For me...it wasn't.
For me...it was torture, because upon waking in the middle of the night, only to find "A" nursing. It was a horrible reminder. Apparently if torturing myself with thoughts of..."if Harbor was still here..." Thoughts...ALL...DAY...LONG...wasn't hard enough...let's let my subconscious thoughts attack me during the night too. Yay me!

So while I need to sleep...please forgive me for NOT wanting too. I just can take it anymore. I feel like I don't have any down time from grieving. I feel trapped in an automatic hamster wheel. Fumbling to keep up as the wheel continues to turn.

So here I am once again. Up late. Another night. Fighting sleep. For dreaming can be just as bad...if not worse, then my realities.

Longing

More often then not, I find myself longing for the days when life seemed "Hard." Back when the only things in my life that seemed difficult to handle were: rowdy kids, poopy diapers, what to make for lunch/dinner, over scheduled busy days, washing let alone folding the laundry and putting it all away, etc.

Yes these things seem ever daunting. But they aren't as important as they truly seemed 7 weeks ago. I've sort of realized that who cares if my kids wear the same dirty pair of pants out in public. Who cares that the dishes aren't done or my laundry has piled a couple of feet high. Who cares that we have eaten Fast Food for dinner or lunch, multiple times this week. Who cares if we didn't make it to some pre-scheduled activity. I mean, really. Do YOU care? I sure don't. Not like I would have nearly 2 months ago.

I find myself longing for a purpose because the purpose I thought I was meant to fulfill, obviously wasn't my sole purpose. I feel lost. Incomplete. Unneeded. Confused. Just utterly, stuck in my mind. Unable to make sense of anything.

I am longing for the time when I knew who I was. What I wanted. Where I was going. For the time when I thought I knew it all. When I didn't feel empty inside.

Trying to move forward isn't an easy task. It's hard to realize and come to terms that I'm not the person I once was. Nor will I ever be that same person. I now have to reflect on my inner self and truly find a new me. A new passion. A new way to live because I just can't be the same ME, without Harbor here, in my everyday life. I guess it's like a mid-life criss. Now, to dig deep inside and figure out what I need & want and find what matters the most to me.

I'm scared. I am afraid of letting go. Of forgetting. Of loosing my identity. Of loosing everything I have built up & felt stable upon. I am afraid of....things changing. Weather for the better or for the worst.

Only Time will tell.

But, Until then...I will continue to Long for the things I can not change. For the things that can't be given back.

Ugh...late term miscarriages...SUCK!

A Dose of Reality

Apparently I'm jealous, sad & angry.

My sister-in-law just had her baby yesterday & upon seeing pictures of her new baby boy, I got really upset.

Don't get me wrong. Please.

I am thrilled that her son is born. Alive. I am excited to meet him someday. I even made him a blanket. It's primary colored squares. It's really cute.

But.

I am ever so jealous, sad & angry. (I find myself feeling the need to explain myself...A lot more then usual nowadays. So here is where I explain myself. Bare with me.)

Looking at photos of family members...oooooing & aaaaaawwwwwwing over my new nephew makes my heart ache. Knowing that NO ONE showed that much love & joy over Harbor when he we born. No one proudly showed off photography's of him to their friends. No one even came to the hospital to be with us. So yeah. Jealous much? I am.
Angry? Yep. Sure seems like it.
Sad? My tearful demeanor the past 24 hours could indicate rightfully so.

My thoughts keep bouncing back to a comment my mother-in-law made Christmas Day. (We announced we were expecting Harbor on Christmas Eve.) It was when she looked around at all 8 grand kids that were opening gifts. She then realized that 2 more grand babies were going to be present the following Christmas.

 "Where are we going to put everyone next Christmas? We will have 2 more grand kids. We need a bigger house! Or we need to convince someone else to hold Christmas at their house."

This thought hurts my aching heart so badly. The reality that there isn't another DO-OVER. Things aren't going to change. This coming Christmas there will ONLY be the 1 happy baby. And it's NOT OURS.

No fun, happy, smiling Christmas Cards from us should be expected this year. At Christmas, Our 5 month old won't be present. On Thanksgiving Day he would have been 4 months old and we will be missing him in his little onesie I had already carefully bought to fit him. It has the cutest little turkey on it & says "My 1st Thanksgiving" on it. On Halloween his Superman footy jumper will remain empty as well. And in July, instead of busily getting ready to meet our little boy. We will probably be still mourning the...could of...should of...would of's. And our reality of his life cut way to short.

So please forgive me while I am ever so jealous, sad & angry right now. My reality of never getting to hold him again is ever so present as I see my nephew. I'm not sure how I'm going to feel holding him. As happy as I am, it hurts too. Not many people realize how hard it is to move forward, when to me...so much was ripped away. He wasn't just a fetus. He wasn't just a clump of cells. He was a baby! My baby! I had planned & envisioned my life with him in it since the moment I knew he was alive. He was and still is...Oh. So. Very. Real.

My life has been derailed. My plans have had to be thrown out like yesterday's garbage. All these little outfits will remain unworn. Tucked away with the rest of his belongings.

But to some of you...I'm just suppose to move on. "Get over it." "Be grateful I have 4 living children."

My response:
"Let me cut off your thumbs & you'll get over it. I mean, you have 4 others. Be grateful for them."

Or

"You'll have more children." "Good thing it happened early on. Something might have been wrong with him." "God needed him more." "It was Gods will."

My response:

"It does matter if I have more children. Having another child isn't going to replace Harbor." "Something WAS wrong with him. But just like (M, my 7yr old) we would have gratefully welcomed, loved, cherished & taken care of him." "I beg to differ, if you think any one including God, needed Harbor more, hands down. I'd win." "I don't believe in a God whom would knowingly & willingly take children from their mothers. I believe in letting my God tell me HIS WILL. Not you."

So please have a heart & bare with me while I still mourn the way I need to mourn. While I cry over little things & holidays. Bare with me while I grieve over NOT ever getting to hold him again or while I grieve over the endless reminders that the things in my life I had planned to do so with him in it, aren't going to ever happen.

Feel free to put your arm around me & just give me a hug. Call, text or write to me...just to say "hi! I was thinking about you!" "Is there a time I can swing by?" "Can I help with your kids?" "Do you need a break?" "Just was thinking about you today & wanted to drop dinner off." Anything. Just letting me know that I am thought of or offering to help, but really offering. Would be greatly appreciated during this time.

Unfortunately, I don't have a time stamp for how long am I going to grieve for. No, I am not just going to get over my son dying. No, I'm not holding it together as well as I would like to be. Yes, I have accepted that I need a therapist & have begun seeing one. I also have been going to support group meetings of parents that have lost babies. While they are helpful, I still need people I know & trust to be there for me!