2 Weeks....case of the Mondays....Blah!

~Living in a state of blah.~ March 1st, 2014

2 weeks since Harbor was born. 2 weeks on an emotional roller coaster. 2 weeks of constant talking to my inner self. Trying to make sense of a situation that doesn't have any sense to make.

Constantly feeling like I'm on the verge of bawling. But on the other hand, feeling really confused about EVERYTHING. I do have 4 living children. Yes, I'm extremely grateful for each & every moment I have with each one of them. But truth be told, I am extremely sad that those same moments, won't ever be spent with Harbor either.

I feel.

I feel like I'm stuck in quick sand. Waiting to either sink or be rescued. But help is nowhere to be found.

Living in a constant state of void. A void that can't be filled with any amount of TV watching, blog reading, FaceBooking, talking with family or friends, texting, field trips, outings, chocolate binge eating, etc.

Nothing makes me feel better. Nothing.

I swear I feel like I'm going to combust into a bazillion pieces. I feel as though I'm crazy. 1 moment completely fine. Next moment...WHAM...the slightest thing sends me into a yelling maniac.

I want people to call. I want people to write. I want to be around others. I want people to ask about Harbor. I want to be out: doing, going, partying, living.

But then I don't.

I don't want to have to relive that moment. I don't want to hear anybody's good news. Especially about their pregnancies. Their babies milestones. Their videos. Their posts. I don't want to be happy for others. I want everyone to be sad & miserable like I am. I want everyone to hurt like I'm hurting. I want to be heard. I want to be understood.

I WANT MY SON BACK.

I want my boring, plan old boring, mundane life back. I want my carefree, worry free, late term miscarriage free, life back.

How can 5 days. 5 days. I tell you. Change my life completely upside down?

Heart beating 1 day & 5 dates later, Nothing.

It's not fair. It's not right. So many people aborting their babies. How come someone like me, whom wants, craves & desires so deeply for these babies, have to go through the heart ache, pain & sorrow of losing a baby? Those people have a choice, to not have their babies. But I didn't get a choice and I had to say good bye, before I ever got to say hi. I DIDN'T get a choice. It's truly unfair.

I feel like a zombie. I'm walking around partly dead & numb to emotion.

How am I to bounce back from such a blow?

Today I said it best..."I just feel like I'm living in a constant state of....BLAH!"