A Ticking Time Bomb...

I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb.

My emotions are all over the place. Happy one second, bawling the next, angry in a matter of an unwanted look, stare or comment.

It is so difficult to be happy around pregnant ladies. I have to avoid eye contact, conversations or looks of pitty. I am truly happy for them, but I have lost my innocence & know that tragic endings happen. (No amount of weeks or months can protect you, you are never truly in a "safe-zone.")

So while I am happy for them, I am also praying and almost holding my breath that they don't have a miscarriage-late term miscarriage-stillbirth-infant loss. This broken silent road, echoes the heart wrenching wails of mothers & fathers grieving so heavily, for their lost child(ren) that even demons would be terrified to travel this road.

As I sat this afternoon with a pregnant family member, it was hard. As I listen to complaints of: being Huge, can't move, I want this baby out, dr says he's gunna be big, clothes we got at the baby shower aren't going to fit him at the right season of the year-do you want them?....I had to try and kindly ignore everything going on around me. Not a good way to cope, but how does one react to a situation like that?

My thoughts turned to a little bit of bitterness & jealously.

"I would love nothing more then my son to be kicking the crap out of my bladder."

"This coming Christmas was suppose to have 2 new little baby boys, but now we will only have 1."

"I want my belly to be big and round like hers."

"I miss Harbor."

It just seemed to continue on. I just wanted out of the house & that situation. I kept trying to gesture to my husband that I was ready to go. But I don't think he got the hint, until I was about to burst out, "Quit complaining about your petty, stupid issues. Get over it. Things could be so much worse."

When he was ready I was up & out the door as fast as I could. No good-byes from me. I hurried as fast as I could for the car with children being rounded up as I went.

My mood has been really down since this afternoons visit. On my drive home I started thinking about how I would feel or possibly act when my family member gives birth this week to her son.

I might possibly hold him & just bawl with joy & sorrow and not want to give him back. I might be just fine. I might just be a ticking time bomb of emotions. I hope my family members will be ready & Okay with however the whole ordeal goes down.

Because if NOT....Bbbbbboooooooooommmmmm!

I. Might. Just. Detonate.