Processing. Please wait....

After last nights parent support group meeting, my brain has so much to download & process.

There was an Art therapist that came & walked us through some of our emotions we are dealing with as grieving parents. To be quite honest, my brain kept shutting off & wondering to somewhere else in time. I found it extremely hard to listen & understand the words coming from her mouth. I would catch myself drifting somewhere & then snap back out of it & be present once again.

I remember her talking about something to do with when you're emotionally traumatized in a sense, your brain throws the events in a space in the brain & we find it hard to process those feelings into words. So through the art process, drawing, scribbling, doodling, etc....we can try to help that part of our brain turn those feelings into something tangible. Something easier for our brains to handle.

We soften the blow of the horrible events that we have had to go through & we can alter the events into something more happy so that we can cope better.

Again...in & out of being in the moment for me...the therapist is now ready to start. We are asked to draw a picture of how we feel about our babies and our connection with them.

I drew a picture of an empty pregnant body. I had to use a navy blue color but I wanted to use black. But couldn't find it in an oil pastel. I then find & grab a black sharpie marker and draw a black baby figure drifting upwards holding onto a blue balloon. The baby figure is reaching out to the pregnant belly. As if it didn't want to go, but HAD too. I couldn't help but cry as I drew the entire time. I just kept thinking of Harbor & how much I just wanted MORE time with him. But that I felt HE was ripped away, all too soon.

That was the end of our 1st step. Which we didn't know was the 1st step.

The therapist then asked us to add something to our pictures that would help make the pictures safer. Draw something that would help make your previous drawing easier to cope with looking at.

Hhhuuuummmmm......now what can I add? I think to myself. This is so hard to draw how I feel. My mind racing through a bunch of different things I could draw. But then it hits me...a light house on the base of the ocean. With a light beacon shinning from within. And I drew a source of light radiating from the Heavens above.  I added a dark shaded heart from the womb & a red little heart in the baby's body. To show love for each other.

Now, I'm NO artist. But in this case we didn't need to be. It's about each of our individual experiences & the best way to help ourselves cope.

The therapist then had us stop. She asks us to share with everyone what our drawings say to us.

For me...it's finding refuge in a situation that makes me feel so terribly stuck in a whirlpool. There is nothing I can do to change the outcome. All I can do is fight to stay alive. All I can do is pray to a loving Heavenly Father, whom I know loves me & truly loves Harbor as well. All I can do is try to survive the raging storm & hope that when the rage ends, I will some how be able to pick up the pieces & moving forward to rebuild my life, gracefully.

So I will continue to process the bits & pieces from last nights meeting and try to make sense of this whole ordeal.