Crying. Lots and lots of crying.

3 weeks. How has 3 weeks flown by so quickly? Or hasn't it? Have I just been stuck in that day. The day Harbor was born.

In 4 days my husband & I will attend our 1st ever support group for grieving parents. At 1st I thought this would be really great for my husband but as the day gets nearer, I know that to be utterly wrong. I am the one whom needs it most.

I am completely depressed. I don't sit & cry all day long. (Usually only at night when I'm by myself and everyone is asleep.) But all day long I feel such a heaviness upon me. A dark cloud just looming over head. I just feel like I'm 1 incident away from bawling my eyes out. I feel so lost. I feel so useless. I am so consumed with grief that I just don't know how to move on. Maybe out of fear. Fear of forgetting. Fear of remembering. Fear of hurting forever. I don't know. Maybe all of the above.

Last night "A" was screaming & crying inconsolably. I was literally up almost all night long. Every time I went to sit down while holding him because he had fallen asleep, he could somehow tell & wake screaming once again.

At one point during one of his screaming fits I started to sing to him, to try & comfort him. The song that came to mind was a hymn "Families can be together forever." While singing him this song, I lost it bawling. I couldn't even finish humming the song. One of the lines that stung most was "I have a family here on earth. They are so good to me. I want to share my life with them for all eternity."

I do have most of my family here on earth! Yes they are good to me! And I most definitely want to spend all of eternity with each any everyone of them! But what hurt the most was the realization that Harbor isn't here on earth any more. I sobbed as I held "A" & then the most amazing thing happened.

During the wee hours of the morning while sobbing and trying to console a really unhappy 18 month old...."A" stopped crying & he wrapped his little arms around my neck & hugged me tight. It was like we connected. It was like, Heaven sending me a hug from Harbor through his big brother. A hug so powerful, that it calmed my aching heart. I truly felt as though "A" was trying to tell me that everything is going to be alright. And he didn't even have to say a thing. It was just the most incredible confirmation that I am NOT alone during this grieving process.