Rewind button?

~March 2, 2014~

Can't sleep. It's nearly 2am. My brain won't shut down.
I hate not being my normal self. But I guess this is the new norm. So I better figure something out, quick.

I want off this roller coaster of emotions. I want to look at friends who are pregnant & not cry. I want to look at strangers who are pregnant & not want to run up to them & tell them to be grateful for the time they have with their babies in utero.

I want this thing called Grief to be black & white. Not all over the place. I want to understand why this happened. I mean, I medically understand why Harbor's heart stopped beating. But why? Why our son?

Ugh...I just want to scream & at no one in particular. Just scream. Maybe it will make me feel a little better. Maybe it won't.

Church is in a couple of hours. I really don't want to go. But in my need to feel as though I have control over what happens in my life, we will go. Regardless of my lack of sleep. Regardless of how I feel: mentally, emotionally or physically. Church is where we need to be. The Lord is whom we need to rely on to help us get through this grief.

My mind just keeps replaying everything over & over & over again. My head hurts so bad. I can't seem to locate the rewind button, so I can go back further in time & at least make the most of the short 16 weeks I had with Harbor. More sonogram pictures, maybe? More belly pictures, possibly? More talking to him & telling him just how much I love him! Definitely! DEFINITELY!!!!!!

A couple of weeks before Harbor passed away I sat on the couch with each of my 4 older children & rocked each of them individually and sang "I love you forever! I like you for always! As long as I'm living. My baby you'll be!"

Oh how I long for that tender moment in time to return. I want that very moment back. Where I seemed to have everything in the world that mattered in my lap! That moment that was so perfect! My world without such a hurtful knowledge of deep loss. That moment before my heart knew of such pain & sorrow.