ANTICIPATION

The anticipation is killing me. Today is the 1st time my husband & I get to go to our support group meeting for parents of babies whom have passed.

I suppose I am nervous about what is going to happen. How I am going to feel? How is my husband going to feel? Is it going to be helpful for the BOTH of us? Is this meeting going to stir up feelings I have been trying to push aside & not deal with? Am I going to be a big blubbering idiot that whole time?

All I know is that feeling depressed isn't how I want to keep living. I can't keep doing/acting the way I have been. My lack of interest in anything & everything isn't okay. I have 4 other kids to: teach, love, take care of, nurture, inspire, etc. I can't just give up.

Oh how easy it would be to just give up. I have struggled with depression almost all my life. As a teenager I actually attempted suicide on numerous occasions. At 1 point I was in a mental hospital for a month due to repeated, unsuccessful, suicidal attempts. I was really depressed then, a lot like I am now. But thankfully I have learned the coping skills I need to make sure that I don't get to that point again. It is a daily choice I have to make & Some days are definitely harder then others.

Harbor's death has been challenging to not repeat my past behaviors. I want to be happy, healthy and productive in my life! I do. I really do. But it is hard to continue on in life, when you feel as though part of you died, the same time your baby did. It's a constant battle between Heaven & Earth. I would miss out on everything my 4 older child do, say or go through, here on Earth. But I am also missing out on so much as well without Harbor here too.

The anticipation is killing. The anticipation of waiting to leave this Earthly world so I can snuggle my little boy. To see him happy, healthy & smiling! To have him cuddle my neck with his little arms! To hear him say "Momma!" Or anything thing for that matter! To see what color is hair would be or his eyes! Would he have his Momma's eyes, bright & blue as the oceans water? Or would he be our 1st baby to have his Daddy's deep Honey brown eyes, that I love so very much?

Today....the anticipation of everything, is eating at my very existence.