My brain is rambling, again. Make it stop.

(I'm gunna keep it real. I have debated about writing something's I may regret later. But who am I. If I don't keep it real? I can't be happy all the time. That wouldn't be right of me. So here it is....ME....in real time. Being human & utterly, real.)

I'm really feeling depressed tonight. Completely overwhelmed & stressed beyond my limits. Rowdy, crazy, loud children...fighting, arguing & crying. All. Day. Long. A tuned out husband, oblivious to anything going on around him. I'm not sure if it's his way of coping today. All I know is it isn't helpful for me. I took 3 of the kids to church by myself while he stayed home "sick." I don't actually believe he had a Headache. I think he stayed up way to late & early morning church just wasn't what he wanted to do...again.

I hate that I have harbored bad feelings from when "M" was a sick baby & I was caring for him in the hospital by myself. All comes to the surface when ever I feel as though I am alone. My husbands way of dealing with our sons illnesses was to mope around the house doing nothing & too worried to care for our 2 older kids. So I would have to arrange childcare for them whenever "M" was hospitalized. He wouldn't even go to work.

I know my husband has come along way since then, but whenever I feel alone &
Like I have to man up and be both parents my hurt feelings from before come out.

I don't mean to be mean, but I am. Regardless of if my husband is truly sick & needs to stay home. I guess it's an issue I need to work through.

But today. I am depressed. I am overwhelmed. I am in need of someone to take care if me. Today has been the 1st time since Harbor's death, that I have even been so overwhelmed that I have had a thought of suicide. It lasted only a couple of minutes but I was aware & snapped out of it quickly. Thank goodness for perspectives.

I, of course, won't openly admit that statement above out loud. But today has been hard for me. Just when I think I have my act together & feel like I can breath & possibly start living again...wham....something creeps in & tears me down. I feel like the worlds worst mother right now. I don't want to interact with my children. I don't want to do anything. Not cooking. Not cleaning. Not getting out of bed. Not get dressed or showered. I don't even want to eat most days. My appetite is not there anymore. I do eat. But not like I did before.

Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........yes, that was me screaming out of frustration.

This is such a lonely path through life. All those people whom you thought were your friends, they have stopped calling, texting, messaging & talking to you. Even your own family members will find it difficult to talk to you, message you, call you, even look you in the face. It sucks. Losing a baby sucks to its fullest. You tend to lose more then your baby.

You. Lose. Yourself.