Inducted into a Secret Club

I have been debating on getting a memorial tattoo.

I know. I know. I know.
I know what your thinking.
Has SHE gone off the deep end?

It has been weighing heavy on my mind lately. I know in our church it's something that seems to be frowned up. We are advised NOT to get them. But I keep feeling like its something I need to do.

I can explain my "needs/wants" for doing so.

I don't have any real tangible thing to cling too. I don't have very many mementos. I can't just show off Harbor's "baby" photos to my friends & family members. Not many people care to see them. I can't just joyously post pictures of him on FB or Instagram. I mean, I would be de-friended in a heart beat. His pictures would probably be banned on FB because they might "offend" someone. I can't just openly talk about him. I mean, which friends do I talk to about him? My pregnant friends or my friends whom just had a healthy baby?

Let's just face it, people don't want to see or hear bad news. They only want to see you when you're at your best. No one wants to see my failures, my faults, my trials, my sorrow. No one wants to see or hear from ME, while I'm un-happy. I know. I have been personally told so.

I have been surprisingly overwhelmed (and not in a good way) with how many people have felt the need to share their pregnancy loss' with me. I am honored they feel comfortable & safe in talking & telling me their stories. Really I am. But it's hard to hear it all the same. So much heart ache. So much sadness. I told my husband tonight, it sort of feels as though I have been inducted into a secret club. A dead baby society or something. (Like Stepford Wives, a cult or something.)

I never asked to be invited in or to join.

I just was.

So back to my needs/wants for a tattoo.

I want Harbor in my arms forever. Since I won't have that in this life. I am trying the best I can to move forward, positively. I want a tattoo of Harbor on my forearm.

Why on the forearm? I have been asked multiple times. Why not on my foot, my shoulder, my back, somewhere it can be hidden?

Well, I will tell you...

Quite frankly, it's because I have to hide everything about Harbor already. Everything that is or was his, is in a tiny box. I don't get to tell people he existed. I don't get to proudly show off my sweet, perfectly formed little boys' baby pictures.

In another month or so (if not, already) people will forget him. People will move on.

And. That. Is. Life.

I want him safely nestled on (in) my arms the rest of my life. I want to find comfort in knowing he will always be with me & I won't ever be able to forget him! I will be able to share with those that ask about my tattoo, that I had another SON!

He lived! But not as long as we had hoped for. His name is Harbor & he was loved! Oh, so very, very LOVED!