Today is Sunday. Another day to remind me how NOT pregnant I am any more. The day where I torcher myself by attending church with my family. Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is great but it's also horribly difficult when you have lost your baby. Our church has such a great emphasis on the family. I swear there are about 10 other women pregnant or have just given birth to their own little bundles of joy. Church is full of children & babies. Oh how hard this is & can be. Another new family moved in & guess what....the woman is pregnant as well. I feel like it is such a slap in the face every time I turn around. Jealous? Of course I am. I wanted my son. I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to feel him grow & move inside of me. At 16 weeks, I had been feeling Harbor's little fluttering movements occasionally. I was so excited to be experiencing that joyous milestone. But it was all short lived.
At 16 weeks I had boughten clothes for Harbor. 5 new little outfits to be exact. My excitement had been growing as we were getting so close to finding out if Harbor was a boy or a girl. We had 4 more weeks until our ultrasound appt. We hadn't quite decided if we were actually going to find out at that appt or not. I wanted to wait until Harbor was born. Since I was having a home birth, I wanted the gender to be an incentive to push at the end of a long awaited pregnancy. My husband wanted to know before hand. We had found out with all 4 of our other kids. But this time I wanted to be surprised. Well at 16 weeks when I gave birth to Harbor I found out. It was still a surprise but not how I had envisioned finding out.
Too soon. It's all over too soon.
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